Living on the Borderlines

by Melissa Michal

  Advance praise for Living on the Borderlines

  “Living on the Borderlines is a beautiful window into understanding Indigenous worldviews. Indigenous cultures think primarily in terms of space, and Western Europeans think in terms of time. Yet, Indigenous stories sharing original wisdom is how the first peoples of this land survived despite countless attempts to eradicate our race, culture, and way of life. This book is an unapologetic contemporary perspective of the truth of healing through Indigenous storytelling.”

  —SARAH EAGLE HEART, Oglala Lakota, CEO of Native Americans in Philanthropy

  “The stories in Living on the Borderlines cross bloodlines, heart lines, and cultural lines, powerfully charting what it is to be human in a world that works to divide us.”

  —SUSAN POWER, author of Sacred Wilderness

  “Living on the Borderlines is a hauntingly beautiful collection of stories of contemporary women and girls who live in the spaces between the reservations and traditional Indigenous territories and rural and urban communities stretching across western New York to the Blue Ridge Mountains, and beyond, to the island of Haida Gwaii off the coast of British Columbia. Despite the family choices, personal losses, intergenerational and historical traumas that separate Melissa Michal’s characters across time and space, both they and their stories are woven together by their ancestral bloodlines, spirits and voices that dance and dream, spelunk and sing them from the past, through the present, and into a resurgent future. Michal’s debut is a stunning achievement.”

  —NIKKI DRAGONE, visiting assistant professor of Native American studies, Dickinson College

  Living on the Borderlines

  STORIES

  MELISSA MICHAL

  Published in 2019 by the Feminist Press

  at the City University of New York

  The Graduate Center

  365 Fifth Avenue, Suite 5406

  New York, NY 10016

  feministpress.org

  First Feminist Press edition 2019

  Copyright © 2019 by Melissa Michal

  All rights reserved.

  This book was made possible thanks to a grant from New York State Council on the Arts with the support of Governor Andrew M. Cuomo and the New York State Legislature.

  This book is supported in part by an award from the National Endowment for the Arts.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, used, or stored in any information retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the Feminist Press at the City University of New York, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

  First printing February 2019

  “Phillip” was first published in the summer of 2010 in the Florida Review.

  Cover art: Dawn Song by Natasha Smoke Santiago

  Cover and text design by Suki Boynton

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Michal, Melissa, author.

  Title: Living on the borderlines / by Melissa Michal.

  Description: New York, New York : Feminist Press, 2019.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2018017739 (print) | LCCN 2018020406 (ebook) | ISBN 9781936932474 (E-book) | ISBN 9781936932467 (trade pbk.)

  Subjects: LCSH: Six Nations--Fiction.

  Classification: LCC PS3613.I344437 (ebook) | LCC PS3613.I344437 A6 2019 (print) | DDC 813/.6--dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018017739

  Contents

  Cover

  Advance Praise for Living on the Borderlines

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Living on the Borderlines

  The Long Goodbye

  A Song Returning

  The Carver and the Chilkat Weaver

  Calling the Ancestors

  Nothing but Gray

  Towpath Lines

  Crowding the Dark Spaces

  The Crack in the Bridge

  Luck Stone

  Phillip

  Morning Smile

  Dancing Girl

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also Available from Feminist Press

  About Feminist Press

  To my mom, who never ceases to believe in me.

  To the many mentors, good friends, and guides who encouraged me along the way and who spoke kind words. You will never know how much those words have meant to me. Each of you is in each line, each word, and each intention.

  And to my namesake, I have missed you always.

  Living on the Borderlines

  Standing at the water’s edge, the line remains invisible. He can see the line, a mind map. But he also knows why the line exists and who placed it across his nation. That would explain his heightened awareness, but it does not explain why he sees this line everywhere, over most images his eyes bend and send to his brain. This space. He visits other places and does not see lines, not even state or other nations’ lines. Just their own land. Right there.

  Mohawk. His inherent ID. His community self. He considers this each day when he wakes up. Of course, many daily things disturb these thoughts. Work. Money. Food. Cars breaking down. His child crying. His wife touching his shoulder, her hand shaking.

  The shake is temporary, based in fears that sometimes cross her mind. She worries the food will not always be enough.

  He does not allow empty plates. There is always food. But they skate that line.

  The St. Lawrence River flows over the borders. Now Canada, now US. The line is somewhere down the middle, where canoes once traveled back and forth, routes from one Mohawk village to another. From their nation to other tribal nations beyond, with borders mutually agreed upon. So long ago.

  Nighttime and dawn are quietest. When the sun has disappeared or just risen, the world there changes and withdraws into itself, renewing, connecting, and recreating. The river glows then, and so do the lights of houses and the few motor boats that pass during those times. Red lights and white and sometimes yellow lights skimming along black water.

  He paces along the river. Change is inevitable. His mother taught him that. Change comes whether you want it or not; it’s simply how you deal with those evolutions. He isn’t looking for the canoes to return to the water, like they presume.

  He wants the lines gone. That simple. Disappear from his vision.

  One whole nation again among six nations.

  Blinking, he imagines that.

  Blinking again, the lines come back.

  Reality of divisions and lines forced on him, on them, literally and legally. Their laws.

  His wife comes up behind him, encircling him with her arms.

  Where’d you come from? he asks.

  I knew you would be here. She pauses. Tightens her grip for a moment and then stands beside him. The river is beautiful now, she says.

  He stares at her face. The lines go away. They don’t exist within or around her. Or their children.

  What are the kids up to?

  With mom. She’s putting them to bed. Thought I would join you.

  He comes there so often. The bridge looming over. Maybe not that spot. Maybe further down. Or another area. Or a drive away. The river calms him, gives him pause to think and to remember.

  She hasn’t sought him out before. She leaves him to his moments. But he likes this. Standing there with her now, her hand on his back.

  He pulls her closer and shuts his eyes. Her warmth spreads across his side.

  What do you see out here? she asks.

  Water. Wind. Boats. People rushing about. Or stopping to see the people around them or with them. Lines. Borders. The hard stuff c
omes to me, then leaves.

  She nods. We can cross when we want.

  True. But it’s not so easy.

  The lines are not ours.

  No, but we should do something.

  He blinks one last time. His vision clears. Let’s go home, he says.

  They hold hands, meandering back. He enjoys her voice rising along the edges, crossing the water.

  He knows the lines will be back.

  He squeezes her hand and she leans in.

  The Long Goodbye

  Today was a quiet day. Nala stood by her grandmother’s door. Morning shadows pulsed along the walls and mottled her grandmother’s forehead as she sat in a rocking chair by the window. Nala didn’t understand why her grandmother spoke in streams one day and the next day, silence held her. She couldn’t be comfortable in the stillness when the older woman watched out windows for hours without moving. She was sure she made less noise padding down the stairs, so careful.

  “Your grandmother was forever changed when she left her family at twelve,” her mother had said when Nala was thirteen, the first time she noticed her grandmother’s moods.

  Nala saw then the exhaustion in her mother’s emotionless eyes and the dark circles underneath.

  “Nala, we have to respect how she is and how her life evolved.” Her mother flicked soap suds off her hands and picked up a dish towel, rubbing it up and down her arms, then put her hands on her hips.

  “But you didn’t know her back then,” Nala said.

  “I know her now. And I may not have been born yet, but I knew her then, too, in how we are connected.”

  “But that was so long ago. Why is she still like that?” Nala asked.

  “Sometimes things stay with us long past the time they should,” her mother said. “And we can’t let them go.”

  That was how their conversations often went. Words, then silence.

  She felt her daughter stare after her. Longer than normal. The screen door shut behind her as she carried laundry to hang on the lines. In the summer, their dresses and pants and shirts swayed in the breezes that filtered through the tall pines and oaks. This space was hers, and the clip-clip when the clothes went up satisfied her. She wondered if Nala would see the world around her. Maybe she had sheltered her too much. Nala floated in that in-between: a young adult, not teenager, but not really adult either. She had married by her daughter’s age and took care of her mother during rough times. There was no lazing about then. She and her husband agreed not to let Nala grow up quite as fast. Though, she had never questioned her own mother, whose spells of quiet had affected their connection too much and switched their roles.

  Nala disliked how their underwear became white flags for all to see. Their neighbors didn’t hang laundry; they used the dryer like everybody else.

  “The wind is free,” her mother said.

  “Really, Mom,” she would retort. “Wind.”

  Nala remembered during her childhood her grandmother letting the breezes wash over her face and body. So happy.

  That morning, her parents had spoken quietly in the kitchen about her grandmother. Their words carried into the dining room, where shadows covered Nala.

  “Things are getting worse,” her mother had said.

  Her dad’s tone seemed light. “She always comes back.” Nala could tell he tried to hide his emotions.

  Her mother and father grew up on the Cattaraugus Rez, where everything sounded like make-do to Nala. She’d never been there. They moved before she was born, although they didn’t get far. Bloomfield, New York, was only a few hours from Cattaraugus. Her grandmother and grandfather came as well, filling each space in the small house with only two bedrooms and an upstairs den, which became Nala’s room. The added sliding pocket door, which made it appear like a room, often echoed in Nala’s dreams. Her mother had picked the house for the trees surrounding the yard and rounded hills rising beyond. She once said they were the people of the hills.

  A year ago, days before her grandparents’ wedding anniversary, her grandfather passed on. Her grandfather, too, had always been quiet, although naturally so. Somehow, her grandmother’s spells had never bothered him. He knew about them when they married. Nala never could figure out how he remained so patient. No complaints. He touched her grandmother on the shoulders and the arms, stroked her hair, read her poetry by Nora Marks Dauenhauer. During spells, he had to coax her out to the car. He would talk softly and get her to come downstairs or leave the house much easier. Her grandmother’s spells had become longer and more frequent since her grandfather’s death, and now, Nala wondered if she would stay in her quiet. It seemed like her grandmother recognized the dates this week. She seemed more retreated in a way Nala couldn’t explain—but felt. Maybe that was why she passed by her grandmother’s room and didn’t walk inside. What was really left of the woman who used to laugh so loudly?

  Before he died, her grandfather told Nala that she must care for her grandmother more. He had noticed how Nala tiptoed around her quiet times. He could pick up on people and their feelings. When she was a little girl, Nala loved the connection. He soothed her woes before she even knew to cry or be sad, stroking her forehead with the swirls of his fingertip. His actions had annoyed her as a teenager because she didn’t understand how he knew her troubled thoughts, how she wanted distance from her family. She didn’t want the college experience or a degree stamping approval on her life. His eyes would move from quiet to disappointed any time she avoided family or tried to decide her future. Finally, as she entered her twenties, she learned to block her thoughts from him and put her walls up.

  He felt the block. His eyebrows would rise and then fall, hurt.

  “We all have our ways of connecting with this earth,” he said.

  Nala still hadn’t found hers.

  Her grandmother stayed quiet throughout the week. But today, she walked downstairs after some cajoling from her mother and stood by the kitchen sink, staring into the flowering lilac trees. Her grandmother’s fingers pressed against the brush she circled on the dishes. Nala thought this might mean her grandmother would come back that day or the next, and she waited for those days. The heady scent of the lilac trees swirled around the room.

  Nala left her and her mother in the kitchen and drove her grandfather’s car down to the lake.

  The second-growth pines lining Canandaigua Lake pointed up to the sky. Blue water pushed through the branches at breaks in the tree line and sparked with sunlight. There were no easy view points along the road.

  After twenty minutes, she pulled over, her tires crumbling gravel and grass.

  She had been ten the first time she stopped at this spot on the lake.

  Nala watched from inside the house waiting for her grandmother to come in and maybe play or cook. Most days then were good. Her grandmother would pull herself up onto the large riding lawn mower, her hair tidied back under a handkerchief knotted at the nape of her neck. The silky polyester kept the curls she had spent time rolling in metal rollers from waving away in the wind. Even on the plastic yellow seat, she could sit, shoulders back. Hours later she would come back in the house, giving off a sharp country scent, a mixture of sweat and grass.

  This time though, her grandmother insisted they get out of the house.

  “Let’s go for a drive.”

  Nala trudged over to the car, her grandmother convincing her to leave. She pulled the seat belt over her shoulder and clicked the metal. Her grandmother smiled, the curlers gone and a green scarf covering her waves.

  “Roll your window all the way down,” her grandmother said. She turned the handle, cranking the window down into its secret compartment.

  Nala did the same. She had been intrigued by the disappearing glass since quite small. She poked her fingers down in the crevice. The rubber liner on either side felt funny, like it could steal her finger if she left it there too long. But the space where it divided drew her to play with it each time and to wonder how the glass safely moved up and out of it
s hold in the door.

  “Here we go!” Her grandmother hit and pumped the accelerator, lurching the car and sending them both reeling forward.

  Her grandmother could drive!

  Nala’s eyes became large and darkened brown. The ride went like that as they curved around the lake. Somehow her grandmother knew how to take the road at just the right speed so Nala felt the ride in her belly but wasn’t knocked around. The woman behind the wheel was not her grandmother. This woman’s face lit up with life. Her smile curved large enough to create dimples, and her cheeks turned pink and pretty. The large sunglasses she wore made her look like old Hollywood. She laughed a laugh that emanated from deep within.

  “Whew ha!” her grandmother exclaimed. She turned to Nala and poked her. “This is it, isn’t it.”

  Nala smiled and nodded while still holding on to the door.

  The overlook only showed the south side of the lake. You couldn’t see the whole lake from any one spot on the road. You would have to go higher in the hills, she supposed. Nala sat on the car’s hood. The old metal held up under her, not giving in like some of those newer cars built for better gas mileage. The trees stood quiet. Not one catch of a breeze stirred through them or over the water. A raven cawed in the branches, and somewhere a blue jay purred and cried on the other side of the overlook. One lone chipmunk squeaked in high-pitched intervals, chattering warnings.

  Eventually the animals quieted with the stillness of the air. She could feel the connections her grandmother had talked about during those rides. It wasn’t about nature healing her—how Western. The stillness and the trees focused her thoughts. Her grandmother was good at reading the energies around places. And her grandfather was good at what was inside of people. A balance.

  “You Indian?” a boy had asked Nala in high school. He stood next to her locker. Assumptions about her heritage happened more often than she liked. Her skin was a bit more olive toned, but not as much as her mother’s. Kids, and sometimes adults, often told her it was her eyes. The almond shape and her long lashes. She shook her head. They knew she went to powwows after a teacher had asked her about them once.