Hopeless Vows

by Rachael Duncan

  When I’m completely spent and lying there unmoving, Austin crawls back up my body and kisses me sweetly on the mouth. “Hands down the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” His tone still has the raw edge to it, and the only thing I hope for is he’s not done with me yet. I want more. I want to be closer to him. I want it all.

  As if reading my mind, he stands up off the bed and unbuttons his jeans before sliding them off along with his boxers. His erection springs up, finally free from its constraints. The sight of it has me tightening, anxiously waiting for him to get on top of me.

  Slowly, he moves back over me, his eye contact never wavering. If I thought I felt naked before, it pales in comparison to how I feel right now. Lying here, skin to skin, staring into my gaze, I feel like he’s connecting with my soul. It terrifies me, but against my better judgment, I crave more.

  He guides himself to my entrance. When I feel him nudge the slightest bit, my eyes close, ready to absorb the pleasure I know is coming. “Jillian,” Austin whispers breathily. The restraint he’s exerting is evident in his voice. My eyes open lazily. When they rest on him, his next words floor me. “I love you.”

  At that moment, he slides in, expanding me from the inside ever so slowly as he enters. I gasp, not from the intrusion, but from the confession.

  Love.

  My mind spins as I do my best to process everything while he thrusts in and out of me slowly. Soon, my brain can’t put together sentences, let alone think clearly about what he said. He sets a steady rhythm that’s not too fast, but not too slow.

  “Fuck, you feel amazing,” he grunts out.

  “Don’t stop!”

  My heels dig into his ass as my legs wrap around him and pull him in deeper. Before I realize what’s going on, Austin flips us so I’m on top of him and he’s on his back. “Ride me, baby. Show me what you like.”

  So I do. I take control and set my own pace, enjoying the role reversal as I drive him wild with my slow movements and rolling hips. “Shit, I need you to come,” he says, his hands digging into my hips roughly.

  “Make me come, Austin.”

  Just as quickly as before, he flips us back around. This time, he’s sitting back on his knees and has my ass pulled up so I’m resting on his thighs. He enters me slowly, the new angle hitting me in all the right places. I expect him to drive into me hard and fast, but he doesn’t. Steadily, we both climb together, ready to make that leap into pure pleasure.

  “Oh, God, I’m so close Austin. I’m going to come.” My hands fist into the sheets as I lay at his mercy to do with as he pleases.

  “Come for me, Jillian.” His voice is tight as he continues his thrusts. He’s claiming me, and not just physically, but emotionally too. I’m powerless to stop it, and I’m not sure I even want to. Right here, right now, I make a decision to give myself over to him.

  Willingly.

  I approach the crest of pleasure before crashing over it with a flick of his thumb to my clit. I barely notice when he grabs my hand and holds it as he finds his own release, grunting on his final thrust. Laying me flat on the bed while still inside me, he collapses on top of me and places gentle kisses along my shoulder. My skin tingles from the contact, still coming down from the high he sent me on. After a few moments, he pulls out and my body already craves him again. He lays next to me as we stare at the ceiling.

  Finally, he slides his arm under me and pulls me so I’m lying on his chest.

  “I love you too,” I whisper.

  His hold on me tightens, his only indication he heard me. Moments later, I drift off into a peaceful sleep with Austin wrapped firmly around me.

  THE ENERGY.

  It’s crackling with nerves as Austin and I ride to the place they’ll be filming our decisions for the show. We’re under strict orders not to discuss our choices with one another. Honestly, I haven’t wanted to, so that requirement was easy for me.

  The suffocating heat of the car is at odds with the dreary, rainy atmosphere outside. Just like the dead flowers on my desk, it’s fitting. The weather matches my mood perfectly, allowing me to bask in it, to absorb all the ugliness and feed on it. My eyes close as my head leans against the headrest.

  Austin’s strong hand grips mine. Anxiety rolls off of him in waves and he doesn’t let go the whole way there. It’s as if releasing me will cause me to vanish. I ground him. I’m keeping him calm. He’s finding peace within my touch. I could tell when he first reached out to me. His once trembling hand is now solid and sturdy as we ride the rest of the way to our uncertain future.

  Pulling up to the curb, the car stops, letting us know we’re here. I squeeze his hand once, hoping to gain strength before opening the door and walking into the building. Austin places his hand at the small of my back once we’re both out, guiding me in. He audibly inhales as we cross the threshold.

  As soon as we’re inside, we’re met by the producer. “How are you guys?” she greets. She’s practically bouncing, no doubt excited the finale is finally here.

  “Good,” Austin and I reply in unison. I look over at him and he gives me a tight-lipped smile. Gone is the carefree, fun-loving man I’ve fallen for. This man is unsure, nervous, and uptight. I hate I’ve done this to him. I hate I couldn’t be honest.

  “Before we film, we’re going to separate you guys into two rooms. You’ll tell us your decisions so you can’t influence each other. Whatever you tell us backstage, you have to reveal when we’re filming. Understood?”

  I nod hesitantly, not expecting this slight change in events. I swallow hard as I’m lead into a different room, Austin heading in the opposite direction. The lack of contact from him is glaringly obvious, making me shiver with need.

  I need his reassuring touch too. I need his strength.

  I need him.

  The realization takes my breath away making this that much harder. How am I going to function when I effectively push him away?

  The room is the size of a closet with not a piece of furniture in sight. The door barely has time to shut before I’m asked the million-dollar question. “What’s your choice? Do you want to stay together, or get a divorce?”

  Taking a deep breath, I say a silent prayer. God, give me strength.

  Several minutes later, I walk out of the room I’m secluded in, wiping at my face as I go sit next to Austin. We’re both on a couch, facing the panel of experts we’ve come to know through this whole process. Each has a hopeful smile on their face, eager to know if their methods and matchmaking skills actually work.

  “How are you guys?” Dr. Terry asks.

  Austin and I both glance at each other. “Good,” I say.

  “Yeah, we’re good.” He smiles down warmly at me, causing a smile to form of my own.

  “Let’s get to it then.” Dr. Terry pauses before continuing, “Jillian, why did you apply for this experiment, and do you have any regrets?”

  “I did this because I knew something was missing in my life. I didn’t have companionship or someone to share the little things with. What I didn’t realize was how many other things were missing until Austin came into my life. It’s more fun, more enriched. I feel like I’m actually living again.” I press my lips together to keep from spewing any more. I didn’t intend to say all of that, but it is the God’s honest truth. He makes me happy, he makes me feel whole.

  “I think it’s safe to say you don’t have any regrets then?” he says with a soft smile.

  If he only knew. I have a lot of regrets about Austin and I, but I’ll never tell anyone about those. So, I do what I’ve done the entire eight weeks. I lie. “No, no regrets.”

  “How is intimacy between you two?” Dr. Cullen asks. She’s the sexologist who helped us early on in our relationship with regards to sexuality and being comfortable with that aspect of our relationship. I knew this would come up, but it doesn’t make it any less mortifying. I’m not the type to openly discuss my sex life with people, especially when cameras are pointed at my face. Although,
I’m sure it’s no secret to the camera crew since we left them in the living room to go make love.

  I freeze at the thought for a second before I allow it to wash over me. Love. It wraps its arms around me and makes me feel secure. Austin does that for me.

  “It’s good,” Austin replies with a hint of pride, pulling me out of my internal thoughts. I give him a sideways glance with an arched eyebrow that’s met with a small smirk.

  Pig.

  I roll my eyes in response as I try to hide my growing blush.

  “Have you guys consummated your marriage then?” What does she want, for me to spell it out for her? To hold up a neon sign that says WE HAD SEX!!!

  “Yes,” I answer quietly since the doctor’s focus is on me.

  “That’s good. What are your feelings about that? Do you think it brought you closer and finalized the last step in your relationship?”

  I love you.

  My thoughts leave the present and focus on last night. Every time I think about those three words he uttered before joining us completely, a fluttering hits my stomach. It brought us closer in the worst way possible. At least for me.

  And ultimately, him too.

  “Yeah, I think it did. I wasn’t ready and didn’t want to rush into things. He’s been patient the whole time, and last night just felt right.” And it really did. I’m not lying about that. Austin throws his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. I inhale his fresh scent, feeling more at ease with each breath.

  After more questions about our relationship and how we handled various obstacles, we get down to business.

  “Well, looks like it’s time to see what you’ve both decided.” Dr. Terry says. My head turns toward Austin who does the same, giving me a hopeful smile with eyes full of doubt. He read me better than I thought. He knows I was distant, regardless of what last night said. I’ve been preparing for this moment since the second I said “I do.” “Austin, why don’t we start with you first.”

  Austin shifts in his seat before turning his attention back toward the doctor. My heart is racing and I can barely hear over the frantic beating.

  He clears his throat. “I came into this experiment with an open mind and open arms. I threw myself into the process even when I felt resistance from Jillian. I had faith you guys knew what you were doing, and we met for a reason.” He turns toward me and grabs both my hands. “It’s no secret how I feel about you, Jillian. I’ve been open and honest with you from the start. You know I want you. Now, tomorrow, forever. I want to stay married.” His smooth brown eyes stare into my soul, marking it as his. What he doesn’t know is it’s already his. My heart and soul will always belong to him no matter what happens from here.

  “Jillian, do you want to stay married or get a divorce?” the doctor poses the question to me.

  I’ve already told the producer downstairs my answer, but sitting here, facing Austin and the panel makes it more real. The air in my lungs evaporates and my mouth feels like the desert. I swallow the nonexistent spit in my mouth before attempting to answer. Instead of talking to the doctors, I continue to face Austin. He’s the one who needs to hear this.

  “Austin, these last eight weeks have been insane. Never in my life did I imagine I’d marry a stranger, but I did, and I’m glad for it. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to read and I can see how that’s made you nervous. For that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been more clear about my feelings and where I stood in our relationship. I only hope the worry that’s etched in your face right now will be erased because my answer is yes, I want to stay married.”

  As the final words leave my mouth, I want to vomit. He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves an honest woman whose past won’t threaten to destroy everything they have. But I’m a selfish person, and I can’t let him go.

  Austin’s hand goes to the back of my neck as he draws me close to him before kissing me. There’s relief, excitement, and promises of more in this simple kiss. But most of all, there’s love. Maybe—just maybe—that’s all we need to forget and erase my past.

  I barely register the throat being cleared to our sides. Pulling away only enough to disconnect our lips, I look into his eyes before trailing back down to his mouth. My fingers come up and wipe the smeared lipstick off of his lips, pulling at his full bottom lip I desperately want to kiss again.

  “I think now is a good time to let you guys go,” Dr. Cullen says. Both of us straighten in our seats and attempt to pay attention. I expect to see annoyance on their faces, but they look genuinely happy for us, and I am too. They all stand and we follow suit, shaking hands and saying goodbye. “If you guys ever need anything, feel free to call us, okay?” We nod and head out the door.

  The energy walking in is completely different walking out. Before there was tension and a tinge of fear, now there’s optimism and faith. The producer meets us downstairs and stops us before we leave.

  “Remember, you signed contracts and you are not to discuss your decision openly. The first show will air in two months. Then, we’ll do the live six-month reunion special you are obligated to attend. Any questions?” She looks back and forth between us.

  “How much longer will the cameras be following us?” Austin asks.

  “As of now, you are camera free. They won’t be trailing you anymore.”

  “Thank God,” I murmur under my breath.

  Once we’re outside, Austin stops walking, grabs me by the wrist, spins me around, and pulls me flush up against his body. “Not gonna lie, you had me sweating up there, gorgeous.” There’s mischief in his eyes masking the truth in his words.

  I shrug. “You know me, I like to keep it interesting.”

  “I’ll show you interesting,” he mutters as his lips connect with mine. My fists clutch his jacket as his hands dig into my hips. By the time he pulls away, I’m breathless. “How about we go home and finish this?” he asks suggestively.

  That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day. Without answering him, I grab his arm and pull him in the direction of our apartment.

  AUSTIN AND I run down the hall toward our apartment. He pinches my ass, making me squeal and giggle as I pick up the pace, his own laughter hitting my ears. Since we left the doctors’ office, a new sense of lightness has fallen over me. There’s not this looming darkness or large knot in the pit of my stomach. As I look over my shoulder and am met with a brilliant smile, I know Austin is the reason for it.

  “You trying to get away from me?” he asks when I rush to unlock the door. His strong arms wrap around my waist before I can turn the key. His nose nuzzles into my hair and inhales.

  “Never,” I respond breathlessly from laughing and running.

  “Good, because I’m never letting you go.” His hot breath hits my neck, causing goose bumps to run down my body. My head falls back, welcoming him to devour my neck, but he doesn’t. The anticipation has my body coiled tight, waiting for the moment he touches me.

  With fumbling hands, I finally get the lock undone. As soon as the door opens and we push through, he’s on me, igniting my body from head to toe. Spinning me around, he pushes me back against the door, his hips pinning me to it. We kiss each other hard and fast, plunging our tongues into the other’s mouth in a war of give and take.

  I’m gasping for air when he pulls away and watches his hand as it glides down my side, past my breasts and cups my throbbing core.

  “Austin . . .” I pant out, needing more from him.

  “Hmm?” He leans down and takes my bottom lip between his teeth before pulling slightly and letting go. It drives me wild and I’m more desperate now than ever. Without inhibition, I rock my hips against the heel of his hand, craving relief. My mouth parts and a lazy moan escapes.

  “I need more, Austin.” I’m not sure he hears me until both hands grab my hips firmly and lift me up. My legs lock around his waist and his hands go to my ass to help support me. He kisses me deeply while he walks blindly through the apartment. I couldn’t care less where he�
��s leading us. As long as he ends up inside me, it doesn’t matter.

  Suddenly, I’m placed on a hard surface. With obvious reluctance, Austin pulls away.

  “Lift your hips up,” he demands. I do as I’m told, placing my hands on what I can now see is the edge of the kitchen counter and raise my ass up. With one rough tug, he pulls my pants down my legs, not even bothering to unbutton them. They scrape down my legs and are soon followed by the soft silk of my pink panties.

  Austin drops to his knees, looking up at me with hungry eyes. “Spread ’em for me, gorgeous,” he says in a deep, raspy voice. His hands go to the inside of my knees and gently push them apart. His mouth descends on my wet center and I damn near fall apart instantly. His tongue strokes me slow at first, turning the small fire in the pit of my stomach into a blazing inferno. My arms shake with the effort of holding my torso upright while the rest of my body trembles. His tongue flicks over my clit before sucking on it hard. The sudden shift and intensity makes my arms buckle and I fall back onto my elbows.

  I feel myself building, approaching the sweetest ecstasy, but suddenly fall from my high. I look down quickly to find out why he stopped and see he’s now standing up. His back is to me as he rummages through the freezer.

  “What are you—”

  “Lay back down and close your eyes, Jillian.” There’s a gentleness in his command, earning my trust, but I don’t miss the finality of his request. Without hesitation, I do as I’m told and wait for the unknown.

  A sharp cry leaves me moments later when something cold touches my most sensitive area. Before I have a chance to move, it’s replaced by the warmness of Austin’s mouth as he sucks the cold away. My back arches as my body processes the two different extremes.

  “Shhh,” he whispers against my flesh. My focus hones in on him just in time to see him take an ice cube and run it down the center of my stomach. He circles my belly button slowly, leaving a trail of melted ice on my skin. His tongue soon follows the same path, heating me up from the inside out. He alternates again to what remains of this frozen object and drags it down the middle of my lower stomach, over top of my most private area, and again between my folds.