Hopeless Vows

by Rachael Duncan

  “Want to take a ride with me?” He points his thumb over his shoulder toward his car. Needing some kind of distraction, I nod my head. After helping me inside, he walks around to the driver side, slides into his seat, starts the car, and takes off. Neither of us says anything for a few miles, but at least the tension is reduced since we both have something else to focus on.

  “I tried calling you,” he blurts out.

  That catches me off guard. “You did?”

  He nods. “Yeah. Either you’ve moved on and are living with a rude redneck, or that’s not your number anymore.” A small smile tugs at my lips and I’m grateful for his attempt to lighten the mood a little.

  “Yeah, I changed my number.” I needed a fresh start and no way for him or Janey to be able to contact me.

  “I figured. I went by Janey’s apartment, but you weren’t there either.”

  I shake my head. “Nope. That’s what happens when your best friend betrays you.” It’s out of my mouth before I can think to stop it. There, I’ve addressed the elephant in the room. We’ve been skirting around the topic, hoping it’ll disappear if we pretend it’s not there.

  “You seem to have healed from the wreck nicely,” I say quickly to recover from my last statement. I’m not quite ready to go there yet.

  “Yeah, it wasn’t easy, but I made it through.” I notice his grip on the steering wheel increases.

  “Any issues with your recovery?” I continue with the small talk, but I really am curious. It was so hard not to check up on him, but the thought of running into Chloe again was enough to keep me away.

  “Nope.” His response is short and brusque. I look down at my lap and pick at my nails, not knowing what to say next. This was a terrible idea. I should have told him I couldn’t go with him, but as that thought goes through my head, the car swerves sharply to the right. My head pops up, startled from the sudden movement. The car comes to an abrupt stop on the side of the road. Dust floats around the car from the gravel the tires kicked up.

  “Why’d you leave?” he asks. He looks straight ahead as I study his profile. His jaw muscles flex, showing the tension in his body.

  “Austin,” I plead with a tired sigh. “Do we have to do this?”

  “I talked to my uncle.” He continues, disregarding my protest. “He said you never left my side! You barely ate for over a week, then I wake up and you bolt! Why? Why did you leave?” When he faces me, I see nothing but hurt and confusion on his face, and it instantly pisses me off.

  “You didn’t need me!” I shout. He has no idea how hard it was to walk away, to watch another woman take my place. I should’ve been there helping him heal, but it was made clear I wasn’t wanted.

  “What are you talking about? Of course I did!” he yells back.

  I shake my head. “No, you had Chloe, and trust me, she delivered your message loud and clear.”

  His rigid posture slumps slightly as his head tilts to the side. “Delivered my message?”

  I sniffle a little as the pain from her words resurfaces. “Look, I know you guys are together, and it’s fine. I’ve accepted it now, but you don’t have to worry about sparing my feelings anymore. She did the dirty work for you. I’m a constant reminder of what you don’t have in your life. How could you ever look at me and not think of them?” I huff out a humorless laugh thinking of how stupid I’d been. “There I was practically living in that hospital room with you, praying that you’d open your eyes and we could get a second chance. Little did I know Chloe would be the one to open my eyes and make me see our relationship for what it truly was.” I pause and wipe a tear off my cheek before speaking the bitter truth. “We were doomed from the beginning. There was no chance for us. We made hopeless vows that would be impossible to keep.” I look away and stare out my window not wanting him to see the pain in my eyes. It’s been one hundred and thirty-four days since I left the hospital, and it still feels like a knife to my chest.

  The driver door opens, then slams shut, making me jump in my seat. I look out the front window and see Austin running his hands through his hair roughly before clasping them around the back of his neck. Even from behind, he looks defeated, as if he’s just figuring out that everything I said is true. There’s no future for us with the past hovering above like a dark cloud.

  “Fuck!” I hear him shout up at the sky. His shoulders tense up as he stalks to my side of the car, opens the door, and extends his hand out to me. I don’t take it right away, and my hesitation doesn’t go unnoticed. “Come on, gorgeous.” There’s a hint of irritation in his tone despite trying to sound calm. Staring up into his eyes, I slowly place my palm in his. He pulls me out of the car and shuts my door. “I should have gotten this out of the way when I first saw you.”

  Before I get a chance to utter a word, I’m silenced when his lips come down on mine. I’m frozen, not sure how to respond. It doesn’t take long for him to coax me out of my shocked state and I’m kissing him back. My insides melt and my soul weeps. I’ve missed the way he tastes, how his lips perfectly mold to mine, and the way he makes me feel.

  His tongue runs along my bottom lip, and I open my mouth to welcome him in. He glides in without delay as we engage in a tango of former lovers reacquainting themselves with each other. I’m a mass of contradiction. The air is sucked out of my lungs yet this is the first time I’ve felt like I could truly breathe. My heart stops but beats furiously against my rib cage all at once. I’m feeling everything and nothing at the same time, sending my body into overdrive.

  Every inch of his body is pressed firmly against mine, pinning me against the side of the car as he devours me whole. His assault gradually slows before he peppers my face with small kisses. Leaning his forehead against mine, we’re both breathing heavy when he asks, “Does that feel hopeless to you?”

  No.

  Yes.

  He doesn’t want you anymore.

  Every time he looks at you, he sees them.

  I stare up at him in confusion, my mind at war with itself.

  His large hand cups my cheek. “Tell me why in the world you think Chloe and I are together?”

  What? My hand goes to his chest and pushes him away a little. I need some personal space so I can think clearly. “I ran into her at the hospital when I went to grab the nurse when you woke up. She basically said the only thing holding you guys back was the divorce papers I hadn’t signed yet.”

  Austin cages me in with his arms as he braces himself against the car. The rigidity in his body is clear in the way his body shakes as he blows out a puff of air. “You should have asked me.”

  “And said what, Austin? You filed for divorce, remember? You shut me out at the reunion show then forced me to humiliate myself and expose the ugliest part of my life on live television. Pictures of the two of you popped up online, and you sure did look like a couple, smiling and holding her. You looked happy, and it gutted me. So please tell me what the hell I was supposed to say to you?” I push past his arms that are holding me in and storm away from him. He has some nerve!

  “Always the victim, right?” he says to my back. I freeze mid-step and clench my fists into tight balls. I’m going to castrate him.

  Slowly spinning around, I face him and with perfect clarity say, “Fuck. You.” He doesn’t even flinch. If anything, he looks amused. “You don’t get to sit there and ask me why I didn’t question your relationship with someone who has always been a pain in my ass after you’ve done and said the things you have to me. You don’t get to pretend you fucking cared all this time when I’m the one who has been searching for the pieces of my broken heart for months. You don’t get to be self-righteous and you sure as hell don’t get to feed me bullshit about trying to call when you knew how to reach me at work.” If looks could kill, I’m sure he’d be a goner. I stare at him with all the hate, disappointment, and hurt I’ve felt since we broke up.

  “You don’t think I care?” He matches my stare as he takes three long strides toward me. “I was fi
ghting for my fucking life and you were the only thing I could think about! Do I have regrets? Absolutely, but don’t take my mistakes, throw them in my face, and accuse me of not giving a shit. You weren’t the only one hurt in all of this. Remember, it was your lie that started it all.”

  I nod. “You’re right. Not telling you who I was did start this, but now we’re back to square one. And that’s exactly why this will never work.”

  “No,” he says with a shake of his head. “That’s where you’re wrong. While your lies might have rocked the boat, I sank it. I couldn’t see past myself to realize how this was affecting you. Not once did I stop to wonder what kind of life you had growing up. The reunion show was a real eye opener and showed me I was a self-absorbed asshole. I have something now that I didn’t have before; understanding. It took me a while, but I get it, Jillian, I really do.” He grabs both of my hands and looks deeply into my eyes, into my soul. “I didn’t deserve to have such a strong, smart, beautiful woman by my side back then. Hell, I probably still don’t, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be deserving of you. I need you, Jillian. I don’t care about all that other stuff. I only care about you.” I wipe away the tears that rest on my cheeks.

  Can he really see past it all and just see me? Is our love that strong? I barely survived the first time he left me. Actually, no, I didn’t survive, I merely existed. To go through that again would surely decimate me. But looking up into his dark, brown eyes, I know no amount of danger to my heart could keep me away.

  “What about Chloe?” I ask timidly.

  “I swear to you on my parents’ graves that there was nothing going on with Chloe and I. Not since that one date you know about before we ever met. I don’t know why she said all that shit, but none of it is true.”

  “What about the pictures of the two of you together?”

  “She wanted to meet up for lunch to go over some commercial properties for my business. The camera guys must’ve taken the picture at the right moment to where it looked like we were a couple. But I promise you, we weren’t.”

  I search his eyes for the truth, trying to find a flaw in what he’s just said to me, but I can’t. He’s being open, honest, and genuine. While it brings me relief, it also crushes me. All this time I’ve stayed away for nothing.

  “Where do we go from here then?” I ask.

  The slightest of grins spreads across his perfectly handsome face. “Well, I know a nice little Italian restaurant in town. Want to go with me?”

  “Like a date?”

  “Yeah, like a date. I thought we could do things a little different this time around and take it slow.” He puts his arm around me and leads us both back to the car.

  “You mean you don’t want to run off to the courthouse right now and get married again?” I nudge him playfully and he chuckles.

  “Don’t tempt me, gorgeous.” He leans down and gives me a kiss. It’s the kind of kiss that you feel all the way to your toes. The kind that makes your heart beat faster and your knees get weaker. The kind that gives you hope for today and promises of tomorrow.

  All too soon, he’s pulling away. With humor in his eyes, he says, “For the record, I came close to harassing you at work, but your boss scares me.”

  I swat at him playfully. “Whatever, we both know she loves you.”

  “Do you?” The playful gleam in his eyes disappears and is replaced by a fierce expression that gives away how serious he is. The sudden shift throws me off balance, especially since he’s looking at me like his next breath depends on my response.

  “Of course I do. I couldn’t stop even if I tried.” My voice cracks and my chin trembles.

  In an instant, his arms are pulling me back to his chest and I’m melting into his warm scent. I’m like a vagabond who has finally found a home. My hands clutch at the fabric of his lightweight jacket behind his back. I’m terrified if I let go, this moment will disappear. “I’m dying inside without you,” he says into my ear. My breath hitches because I remember saying that to Austin while he was in a coma. He must feel my body tense. “I could hear you. I can’t explain it and I know it sounds crazy, but I could hear you.”

  I let out a shaky breath thinking about those long days and nights in the hospital. “I was so scared you were going to die.” He squeezes me tighter.

  “You’re not getting rid of me that easily. Besides, I have a lot of making up to do.” He wags his eyebrows up and down salaciously, earning him an eye roll. Really, we both have a lot to make up for, and I’m grateful we’ve been given that opportunity. With Austin by my side, I hope we’ll be able to mend the wounds where all that will be left are faded scars and memories of our not-so-stellar moments. We did promise each other for better or for worse. We’ve seen the worse, now I’m looking forward to the better.

  One month later

  I WISH I could say the past month with Austin has been good, but I can’t.

  It’s a hundred times better than good.

  Life with him has been amazing so far, and our relationship is a lot easier now. I’m not torturing myself with an internal battle I know I’ll lose, and I’ve learned to accept the things that are out of my control. Guilt doesn’t weigh me down and smother me, and the anxiety of my secret being exposed is absent. For the first time in my life, I can breathe and feel good about myself. I know it’s still early on, but I’m optimistic for what the future brings.

  When we got back together, we agreed to take things slow and do things the more conventional way. That lasted all of seven days before Austin was asking me to move in with him. I held my ground, firm in my belief this was good for us. Unfortunately, he’s a persistent one, so after two weeks of his constant begging, I ended up caving last week.

  I wasn’t looking forward to apartment hunting. In the span of almost a year, I’ve lived in five different places, from apartments to hotels. I was dreading moving for a sixth time. When I finally agreed to living together, I told Austin if Chloe was going to be there, he could do it on his own. I just couldn’t stomach being around her after all the stuff she said and lies she told. Apparently, I didn’t have to worry about that since Austin went off on her when I told him about our conversation at the hospital. He made it clear she was to stay the hell away from the both of us or there’d be consequences. I don’t know what those consequences might be, and I didn’t ask. All I know is she’s left us alone, and that’s all that matters.

  I told him we could use the woman who found me the shoe box of an apartment I currently lived in, but he insisted he might have a nice place we’d both like already. To say I was shocked when we pulled up to our old apartment would be an understatement. He’d only been back once since we both moved out, but kept it anyway. The knowledge that he never parted with it brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart. It’s like subconsciously he knew we’d end up here.

  Thankfully, all of his injuries from his wreck have healed nicely, and he’s put back on the weight he lost. His broken bones are mended and there are no other visible signs of that scary time. He still goes to the doctor for regular check-ups because of the head trauma he suffered, but so far, everything has come up clear. Other than a slight limp and a few scars, you’d never know he almost died.

  Austin had to go to a few of his gyms early this morning, but not before making sure my body was good and spent. That man is insatiable and has the stamina of a gazelle. Not that I’m complaining, but damn. He even jokes he doesn’t have to get in any extra cardio anymore.

  Mondays are my favorite day of the week again. Just like before, I have a bouquet waiting for me when I arrive in the morning. It’s the highlight of my day and a good start to each week. As the elevator climbs to the floor where I work, a small smile stretches my lips as I wonder what kind of flowers await me today.

  I’m about to open the door when a familiar smell catches my attention. Looking in every direction, I seek out the only man I’ve ever loved. My search efforts come up empty despite the fact his clean, f
resh scent is thick in the air.

  “That’s strange,” I mumble to myself.

  Shrugging a shoulder and deciding his cologne must be on me or my clothes, I turn the doorknob and walk into my office. When my eyes meet my desk, the display in front of me is fairly unexpected. There’s been a delivery, but the only thing filling the vase is air. The closer I get, I see there’s a note attached to it.

  Walk out your door and look left.

  I flip the card over to see that it’s blank. It has to be from Austin, but I have no idea what this is all about. Curiosity drives me toward the door quickly. When I look left, my hands cover my mouth as my eyes widen. There, down on one knee with a bouquet of red roses in his hand, is Austin.

  “Oh my God. What are you doing?” I ask.

  “Jillian, from the moment I laid eyes on you exactly one year ago today, I knew you were something special,” he starts. I suck in a sharp breath as it dawns on me today would have been our one-year anniversary. I can’t believe I actually forgot. Time has been such a weird concept since I applied to be on First Comes Marriage. One second it’s zooming by at the speed of light, the next it’s crawling by at the speed of smell. Either way, I still can’t believe it’s been a whole year since this all began. I think I’ve been so focused on the present and moving on from the past that it must’ve slipped my mind.

  “We’ve had our hurdles, but I’m more confident than ever this is where we’re both supposed to be. This isn’t a traditional proposal. Then again, nothing about us has been, so why should this be any different? I’m not asking for your hand in marriage because legally we still are.”

  “W-what do you mean?” My eyes blink rapidly a few times while my brain tries to process what he just said.

  He reaches into his back pocket and unfolds a piece of paper. “I never had my lawyers send the divorce papers in. See?” Looking at the document, I notice the court hasn’t stamped and signed to show it’s been filed.