Keep Breathing

by Alexia Purdy

  “What’s your brother’s name again?” Penny asked.

  “Sergei.”

  “Does he look like you? My friend Erica needs a boyfriend.” Amanda winked and I felt my face go red.

  “Uh, he’s not really the marrying kind, and he’s still in Moldova. But yeah, we do look a lot alike,” I responded.

  We ended up sipping coffee laced with Irish cream late into the night as our conversations continued and the wine disappeared. Penny had listened intently and quietly throughout the evening, sipping on her coffee and not offering up much information about herself, but that was okay. I think she really wanted to know more about everyone else today, and it suited all of us fine. Nicolai loved talking about himself.

  As we got ready to leave, Amanda pressed a plate full of leftovers into Penny’s hands and kissed us goodbye. I watched Nicolai snuggle her neck and look, for once, truly happy. I hoped he’d found happiness, I really did. She was good for him.

  “They look really happy.” Penny focused on the door as it shut and the lock clicked.

  “Yeah they do.”

  “Do you think it’s real?” she asked. We reached the SUV and I opened the door for her before sliding into the driver’s side.

  I glanced at her as I put my seatbelt on, readying to leave. “What do you mean?”

  “You know, sometimes it’s all for show.”

  “I think if it’s fake, it’s easy to see the tiny details that give it away.”

  Penny lowered the window and let the night breeze in to ruffle her hair. She closed her eyes and looked lost in her thoughts. “True.”

  “Do you think it’s real?” I asked, curious at what was floating in her head.

  “I think so.”

  “Good, because I do too.”

  “And if it’s not?”

  “It’s real right now. Let’s hope they don’t forget that.”

  Penny grinned, opened her eyes and reached over to embrace me. I let her slip onto my arms, and gently kissed her with hungry lips. I never got enough of hers.

  “Do you think this is real?” I whispered to her, running my fingers through her soft, brown tresses.

  Her shiny eyes looked black in the darkness. The night encased us in a tiny bubble of the truck as I awaited her answer.

  “Right now it is.”

  I smiled and kissed her again. “Don’t forget that.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Penny

  “HEY, CAM! CAN I call you that? Or do you prefer Cameron?” I kneeled before Cam, hoping I hadn’t already offended him in record time. “I won’t call you Cam if you hate it.”

  “That’s okay. That’s what Daddy calls me.” He flashed a bright smile and immediately ran inside my apartment.

  “Well, guess he’s not that nervous about hanging out with you today.” Seth held out a small Elmo backpack. Taking it, I lifted an eyebrow, hoping what was inside wasn’t anything I had to physically wrestle with. “Just a change of clothes and undies, just in case. Oh, and his favorite movies, Toy Story 1, 2, and 3. If you put them on an endless cycle, you’ll be right as rain all day!” He chuckled, looking nervous as his feet shuffled back and forth. “Cam, don’t break anything!”

  I placed a hand on his chest, which made him stop moving as he peered back toward me. “It’s going to be just fine, believe me. I’m more nervous than you are, but I got this.” I winked and watched him visibly relax. “How hard can a five-year-old be? It’s not like he’s a baby in diapers.” I wrinkled my nose at the thought. “Thank goodness.”

  He chuckled nervously. “Right. He can be hyperactive sometimes.”

  “You don’t believe in that ADHD crap, do you? I mean, yeah some kids need help, but Cam?”

  He scratched his head, shaking it and smiling. “No, I just try to be consistent with him. It’s a big change. He’s had the same sitter for two years. I’ll be looking for a new one soon, though. She’s heading off to finish her MBA out of state and his grandmother can’t watch him all the time.”

  “Oh, that sucks. Well, not for her, but for you, I mean.” I wanted to slap my forehead at how dumb I sounded. “I hope the search goes well.”

  “Me, too.” His eyes were already scanning behind my shoulder, looking scared as he observed and listened for any damage.

  “Okay, off to work for you.” I grinned and slowly started to shut the door to get the message across.

  “Wait! If you need anything, anything at all, call my cell. I’ll answer right away.”

  “Sure thing, Seth.” I winked and closed the door, locking the deadbolt before he could change his mind. Boy, was he a Nervous Nancy. Seemed he was more scared of dropping his kid off with a stranger than Cam was of being left there. The thought made me wrinkle my nose; I wasn’t a stranger, was I? I guess, in a way, I was. But less so than a complete stranger, right?

  Hearing Seth hesitate on the other side of the door before his footsteps finally echoed down the stairwell, I leaned on the doorway, smiling widely and feeling happy that I had put him in his place. Now for the fun to start.

  “Cam, honey. Are you hungry? What do you want to do first?”

  The boy was jumping on my couch. It took all my strength to not gasp and throw an epic, raging scream at him. Okay. Now I knew why Seth was just a bit nervous. I stood there, not believing my eyes, but took a deep breath in before I lost my top.

  “Cam?”

  “I want ice cream.”

  “Okay, but boys who jump on furniture aren’t supposed to have ice cream, God says.” I crossed my arms and drilled my eyes into his little blue ones. He stopped hopping and took in my unrelenting stare. It must’ve worked because he slipped down and seated himself properly. I brought his Elmo backpack, propping it on his end of the couch before sitting down next to him.

  “So like I was saying, what shall we do first? Are you hungry?”

  He shook his head, looking like he wanted to cry. “I just ate at Mick D’s with Daddy.” No wonder he smelled like French fries. Nice.

  “Okay, then let’s get some ice cream! I’m in the mood for some myself. What do you say?”

  His wet eyes brightened, and he hopped up onto the floor and clapped his hands. “Yippeee!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at his contagious energy, so I grabbed my flip flops and pulled my hair into a pony tail. If I’d had a quarter of his energy, I’d be Wonder Woman.

  It was my weekend, and I didn’t want to hang at home all day, even if I had to be a babysitter. “Okay. Let’s go then. The park has a nice little ice cream stand we can hit up, but you have to promise to stay near me. I’m the one with the money to get the ice cream. Got it?” He nodded again and held out his hand. I stared down at his fat little fingers and slipped mine through them. It was warm and clammy but nice. God sure knew what he was doing when he made kids cute, that’s all I’m saying. Otherwise, I’m sure half of them wouldn’t have made it past their first birthdays. Darn it if I wasn’t a sucker for cute, little kids.

  We went out and walked down two blocks from my apartment to the nearest park. It wasn’t huge, but there were tons of people there already. Luckily, it wasn’t yet boiling hot, being just eleven in the morning, but I could tell the day was going to be a scorcher. He skipped the entire way, making me almost run to keep up with him. I could have used him for a workout every weekend, the way it got my heart racing, and my chest burned from running behind him.

  He found the slides and stared greedily at the brightly colored, plastic contraptions. It was three levels high and had slides at each level. Some twisted into tunnels, some remained open and straight. Monkey bars, little steering wheels and a chain ladder hung from all sides of it. Playgrounds sure had come a long way from the wood and metal ones of my youth which used to burn my thighs in the midsummer heat. They now even had a huge tent-like structure built over them to keep the high noon sun from burning the little ones as they played. Next to it was a small water feature, spraying and splashing from showerheads an
d an array of decorative pipes above the kids. I didn’t know they had that there, and I wondered if he’d brought a swimsuit.

  I decided it didn’t matter. He could get soaked and still had a pair of clothes to change into at home. But the way the day was heating up, he’d be dry before we even got there. I almost felt sorry for the trees and grass. Though they were quite green, it must take a million gallons of water to keep them that way. I already felt my shoulders burning. I pulled out the sunscreen and called Cameron over. He reluctantly returned to me, but kept his eyes on the prize.

  “Gotta wear sunblock. Don’t want to get all red and burned, do we?” He shook his head, but fidgeted as I slathered him with the thick white goop. Finally, I had him take his shirt off and slathered his shoulders, back and belly. That way, if he did get all wet, he was set.

  “Want the ice cream now or after you play?” I asked, smearing some onto my nose. I could feel the freckles growing as I spoke.

  Cameron stared at the slides, and I knew he couldn’t resist. Man, slides were like crack to kids. “Can I get it after I play a little bit?” I nodded and he smiled, his tiny baby teeth flashing at me before he turned and ran his little knobby legs up the epoxy-coated, metal steps to the biggest slide.

  After slathering some more on my skin I slipped the tube of sunblock back into my purse and gulped as I watched him make it to the top step. He waited behind one other kid who was about to hop into the twisting tube slide. It seemed so high, and even though all the sides were enclosed, it gave me a small heart attack watching him lingering near the edge.

  Please don’t fall. That was all I needed.

  I breathed in deeply, following him as he slipped into the tube and disappeared from sight. I watched the other end and saw him rolling out. Hopping up from the ground, he jumped with glee and ran around, squealing his delight. I let out the breath I’d been holding and continued to train my vision on him as he continued to hop up the stairs to try all the slides. I couldn’t relax as much as I’d wanted to, but as time went on, it became easier to let him have his fun. I didn’t know how parents did this day in and day out. The amount of stress and heart attacks it would cause me to watch my kid walk out the door each day would do me in.

  Still, would I want children one day? I doubted I’d make a good mother, I was so selfish and would fail miserably at parenthood. Maybe it was good thing I didn’t have any. One day maybe, but right now, I could barely take care of myself.

  I found an empty bench and slid down onto it, glad I’d brought a couple bottles of water in my purse. I downed a few sips and felt my pocket vibrate. I was pretty sure I already knew who it would be. Glancing at the screen, I smiled and rolled my eyes just a tiny bit.

  “IRS, how can I help you?” I answered, a tiny smirk on my lips as I settled back and found Cam at the top of big slide again, watching the kids in front of him as they dove into the tube. He’d better not try that head first, I thought.

  “Hey, it’s Seth. How’s it going?”

  I glanced at the clock on the cell and shook my head. “It’s just been an hour, you know. We’re still alive. At the park, and he’s having a blast.”

  “You took him to the park?” His voice quivered as he spoke, making me wonder what he was thinking.

  “Yeah, don’t worry, I got sunblock 2000 on his white boy skin.” I heard him laugh, which made me feel a bit better. “Oh, and by the way, he’s going to use the extra clothes because there’s a water feature here, and he’s going to run through it sooner or later.”

  “Oh, okay. Sounds like fun.” Seth sounded distracted, and I could hear voices interrupting him. “Listen, I just called to see how it was going.”

  “I know, we’re fine. Have a good one. Oh, wait….”

  “Yeah?” He was back, listening through the airy static and murmurs of voices.

  “He’s not allergic to ice cream is he?” I waited patiently, knowing I was stalling just to listen to his voice. I knew he had to go, but wished he didn’t. Seth’s voice was my guilty pleasure and even if it was through the phone, it made my heart flutter as he spoke.

  “No, he’s not allergic to anything. Thanks again, Penny, you’ve helped me tons today.”

  I continued to follow the little guy around as he paused to watch the kids soaking in the spray of the water feature.

  “Anytime.” I reluctantly hung up after saying goodbye and dropped the phone back into my pocket. I was relishing the heat of the sun on my back, but my scalp was starting to burn. I found a bench closer to the water feature and shaded by some trees. Cam had his hand in front of one of the spouts, sending water spraying everywhere, and it had him laughing up a storm as it soaked his face and shirt.

  Watching him play, I found my face stiffening from smiling the entire time. He was having a blast, but he did glance up to search for me every now and then. Once he’d find me, he’d smile and continued to hop on the puddles, letting the water hit him as the nozzles rotated. He was already soaked, just as I’d predicted.

  I didn’t mind, though. Now under a shady tree, the burning on my head faded and the soft grass tickled my exposed feet since I’d taken off my flip flops and let the cool grass hug my toes. It’d been so long since I’d been out to a park, and it brought my childhood rushing back to me. To pleasant times before the tragedies had piled up, before my sister drowned and only the years had finally healed my family enough to live again. My heart went out to Cam, having the time of his life. He rightfully should, it passed by so quickly and was over in a flash. Cherishing this odd peace, I watched him enjoy himself and knew he’d healed me somehow. It’s funny how you never realize you need people in your life until you’re already knee deep in love with them. Just like I was with Seth and Cam.

  ~~~~~

  “WHY DO I have to take a bath? I got all wet at the park. I got all the dirt off already.” Cam licked his snow cone where it has started to drip over his little fingers. He was going to be super sticky by the time we got home, I realized in dismay. I was barely able to tear him away from the park, where he’d been dripping and shivering from being wet. It may have been over a hundred degrees outside, but cold water still feels like the Arctic when you run in it all day long and it blasts you over and over. His lips were stained blue from the snow cone, making him look like a little corpse boy with hypothermia.

  His clothes were drying slowly, hanging from his little frame and cold to the touch. He didn’t seem to mind, and as we walked in the hot afternoon sun, dry spots grew on his shirt. I licked my popsicle, trying to outrun its meltdown in the unrelenting heat. I’d had fun and looked forward to maybe taking him to the park again someday. I was pretty sure Seth wouldn’t mind, but I’d make him not mind if he did.

  Change was good, I realized, especially for me.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Seth

  I WOKE WITH a start, my heart hammering in my chest. It’d been just a dream, the same dream of the past, of Penny, I’d always have. The one where I watched her heart crush under the lies I’d told her as I wrapped my arms around the wrong girl. It was a memory etched so deeply into my brain, I couldn’t rip it out even though I’d wanted to for years and years. Having Penny back in my life, even taking care of my son Cam, was heaven-sent, but my fear of losing her again was still there, even more so than ever before.

  I haven’t had this nightmare for months and it made me wonder why it had returned with such a vengeance. It left me feeling exhausted, anxious and restless.

  Sitting up in the dim light of early morning, I rubbed my face and scratched my head. Cam was sleeping in his room just down the hall, but the longing to have Penny there with me hit me like a freight train. I didn’t want to rush the relationship, but I felt like I was running out of time once more. She was worth waiting forever for, but I wanted more now, and I was sure she wasn’t ready for that yet.

  Cam had taken to Penny exceptionally well, which had been more than I could’ve asked for. He sometimes shut down and didn�
�t speak a word to strangers, but with Penny, he’d accepted her like she belonged with us. It made my heart warm to the thought. She did belong, we just had to figure out how to get there.

  I pulled open the drawer of my nightstand and plucked out a dark velvet box. Running my fingers over the smooth surface, I eased it open and studied the shiny diamond ring sitting in it. I’d had it for years. It had been my mother’s engagement ring, all the way from Moldova, and I’d wanted to give it to Penny so many times in college, but the uncertainty of the future had held me back, and it’d been my downfall in the end. I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

  This still belongs to you…Penny.

  I shut the box and replaced it in the drawer. I knew that this time, she’d have it. No longer would it be just a dream, I’d make it real for both of us and mend our broken hearts. This time, I wouldn’t hesitate when the time was right to slip it onto her finger. I didn’t want to wait. I would’ve rushed over to her place and done it immediately if I’d known she’d be willing. I would ask her…soon. I just didn’t want her to take it the wrong way when she found out about my upcoming trip to Moldova. I’d left the States right after we’d broken up, and I was pretty sure she’d heard of the trip through our network of friends. I don’t know if she’d figured out why I’d left back then, but having to leave again now after barely getting our relationship off the ground might send her into an attack worse than any prior to it.