Without a Country

by Kulin, Ayse

  “My exams are coming up. I’ve been studying too much is all.”

  Once Suzi had helped her father into his coat and sent him on his way, she returned to the kitchen and sat down across from her mother.

  “Spit it out, Suzi,” Elsa said. “Something’s bothering you.”

  “You’re right. There’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Don’t tell me you don’t want to have a reception anymore!” Elsa said. “Your mother-in-law would be crushed. And it was so kind of Hirsch to book the hall at the Moda Club. Peter is coming all the way from America to be here on June 27.”

  Suzi reached out and gently squeezed her mother’s hands.

  “I’m pregnant, Mother. The baby will be here well before June 27.”

  “Suzi! How could you do this to me? I thought I could trust Demir.”

  “It’s not his fault!”

  “Shame on both of you, then,” Elsa said. “Don’t expect me to tell your father for you. You’ll have to give him the news yourself!”

  Confrontation

  The voice on the phone sounded serious and determined. A woman calling herself Hanna was requesting an appointment with Professor Schliemann within the week, at the very latest. When the secretary asked Hanna to leave a number, she responded, “No. Just give me a date and a time and stick to it. I don’t have a number where you can reach me.”

  “Might I ask why you wish to see the professor?”

  “That’s private.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t arrange an appointment until I’ve consulted with Professor Schliemann.”

  “Just give me an appointment. It’s not like I’ll break the door down if he refuses to see me.”

  The secretary sighed. “All right then. Come this Wednesday at noon.”

  When Hanna arrived at the pathology department at the agreed time, she wasn’t sure she wouldn’t be thrown out. But the secretary immediately said, “Please have a seat. I’ll tell Professor Schliemann you’re here.”

  The secretary showed Hanna into an office where Gerhard was sitting behind a desk. He didn’t stand to greet her. Hanna walked over and held out her hand. Gerhard still didn’t rise, but he took it.

  “Sit down, Hanna,” he said, motioning to the leather chair on the right. She sat in the one to her left. “I’m listening.”

  “I hear Suzi moved the wedding forward.”

  “She did indeed.”

  “Is she pregnant?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Well, if she isn’t, what’s the rush? I can’t think of any other reason to do that. I mean, Demir hasn’t even found a job.”

  “Demir is about to do his military service. He doesn’t need a job just yet.”

  “But what will Suzi do while he’s away?”

  “She’ll be continuing her studies.”

  “Hmm. Good luck to her.”

  “What do you want? I don’t have much time before my next class.”

  “I want to take Rozi to Suzi’s wedding reception. If I’d been able to arrange it with Elsa, I wouldn’t have bothered you.”

  “There won’t be one. The groom’s relatives and a few of my close friends and colleagues will be attending the ceremony. If the wedding were taking place in the summer, as originally planned, we would be inviting many more guests. I’m sorry, Hanna.”

  “I don’t want this for myself, I want it for our child. She has a right to get to know my side of the family. I need to know that her big brother and sister would be there for her if anything ever happened to me. Believe me, I’m not trying to cause any trouble.”

  “Hanna, Rozi is not our child. Rozi is your husband’s child. Peter and Suzi are not her family. It’s time you got over this unhealthy fixation.”

  “If you try to brush me off like this, I’ll have no choice but to tell Elsa.”

  “A moment ago, you said you weren’t trying to cause trouble. It seems to me that you are motivated by malice, Hanna. I can’t think of any other explanation. I have tried to have sympathy for your situation, but I can’t forgive what you did to me. I’m asking you again to stay away from my house, stay away from my wife, and stay away from my children. If you don’t, I’ll speak to your husband. You’d end up disgraced and maybe even in jail. This is the second time you’ve forced me to say this. There won’t be a third time.”

  Gerhard stood up, went over to Hanna, and held out an envelope.

  “Elsa told me you were having money trouble and insisted I give this to you. Take it, and tell your husband that the Schliemann family wished to help in some small way.” Gerhard closed his eyes for a moment. “Geh mit Gott. Go with God, but go.”

  He dropped the envelope on Hanna’s lap and waited until she got up. They walked to the door together. When Gerhard opened it, the secretary sprang to her feet.

  “Professor Schliemann, I was about to ask your guest how she takes her coffee.”

  “She was just leaving. There’s no need for coffee,” Gerhard said.

  Up until the moment she had clicked her way to the end of the corridor, Hanna kept her shoulders squared and her head high.

  Gerhard reached for the phone the second he was back in his office. Elsa’s bubbly “hello” gave him pause for a moment, but he’d made up his mind.

  “Will you be home this afternoon?” he asked.

  “Why? Did something happen?”

  “Today’s class was cancelled. I’m coming home. Unless you’ve got some urgent business, could you wait for me there?”

  “Why don’t we meet in Taksim?” Elsa said. “A Lana Turner film is playing at the Yeni Melek.”

  Gerhard knew this was his last chance to change his mind. “Wait for me at home, Elsa. Perhaps we can go out for dinner tonight.”

  Picking up his briefcase and his raincoat, he lied to his secretary as he left his office. “Could you ask one of my assistants to cover my lecture today? I’m feeling a little unwell and need to go home.”

  When Gerhard unlocked his front door, he was greeted by the smell of cinnamon. Elsa was probably baking one of her apple cakes. He hung up his raincoat, set his briefcase down, and, like any Turkish man, took off his shoes. As he padded toward the kitchen, the heavenly smell grew stronger.

  Elsa was turning a cake onto a plate. He went up behind her and encircled her waist with his arms.

  “Ah! Gerhard, you startled me! I didn’t realize you were home. I started making your favorite cake the moment we hung up. Tea is ready, too. It takes the exact same amount of time to bake a cake as it takes for you to get home from the university.”

  Gerhard had buried his nose in her hair. He was pulling her against his chest. Something happened, she realized. Something terrible.

  “Gerhard, what is it? What’s wrong? Was there another problem at work?”

  “No. It has nothing to do with work.”

  Elsa’s pulse quickened. First came the riots, then Madame’s death, and finally Suzi’s pregnancy. What next?

  “Elsa,” Gerhard said softly, “come and sit down. We need to talk.”

  “I’ll get us each a slice of cake and a cup of tea. It’ll just be a minute.”

  “It’s best we talk before Suzi gets home.”

  “Suzi won’t be home until seven. Have your cake, and then we’ll talk.” Elsa cut two slices of lemon, put them on the tray, and carried everything over to the kitchen table. She sat down across from her despairing husband.

  “Elsa, I’d give anything to change what happened. But once a thing is done, it’s done. First, I want you to know something. I’ve always loved you, and I love you now, as much as ever. I’m telling you what happened because I want the lies to end. I respect you enough to risk losing you.”

  “Gerhard!” The plate of cake Elsa had been handing to her husband retreated along with her hand.

  “One night, when you were in Zurich and I was drunk, something happened—something I should never have allowed—”

  “Did you sleep with
Hanna?” Elsa asked. Her voice was icy.

  Gerhard reached over and took her trembling hand. “I didn’t sleep with her. She slept with me.”

  “That’s not funny!”

  “I was drunk and I’d fallen. She was pulling me up off the floor and—don’t get angry, but I was calling out for you. I thought she was you . . . on the floor, in front of the door. But when I woke up, I was in bed and—”

  “Shut up! Not another word. I don’t want to hear it!” Elsa’s left eye was twitching.

  What have I done? What have I done? I’ve destroyed my wife and myself. What have I done? “I sent her away, Elsa, and never looked at her again. That’s why—it was to get far away from her and to keep Peter away from her that we moved to Bebek. I swear on our children that I don’t even remember sleeping with that woman.”

  “Why have you waited all this time? You should have told me when I got back from Zurich.”

  “I didn’t want to upset you. No, that’s not true. I was afraid of losing you.”

  “And now you’re not afraid of losing me? What’s changed? Am I old now, Gerhard? Is that it? Have you found someone younger?”

  “Elsa!”

  “I want an answer. What’s changed?”

  “Darling, please hear me out. Hanna said her husband was going to divorce her for being barren. But he was actually sterile, not her. So she hatched a plan. She took advantage of me. If I hadn’t come home so drunk, she’d probably have gone after Peter. Less than three weeks after that night, she told me she was pregnant and that she was going to tell her husband the child was his. And he must have accepted it. Obviously, I sent her away at once. And I don’t even believe Rozi is my child. She could have seduced any man on the street, then pinned it on me so she could hold it over us. I don’t remember that night, not a thing. I was trying to unlock the front door, I fell, and I realized she was on top of me. Then I blacked out, so how could I even have . . . ? If she really did what she says, that’s just—it’s horrible, Elsa. It’s sick.”

  “Gerhard. You do realize how crazy you sound?” Elsa said wearily.

  “I want you to understand, and I want you to forgive me.”

  “Oh, I understand all right. You got drunk and couldn’t help yourself. It probably wasn’t the first time, either.” Elsa closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips against her eyelids.

  “That’s not fair. I’ve only been that drunk three or four times in my entire life. I was waiting for Hirsch, and he never showed up, and—”

  “I can’t forgive you, Gerhard. I’m going to ask you again. Why did you wait until now to tell me?”

  “Because Hanna is using her daughter to worm her way into our lives and the lives of our children. I need your help keeping her away from Peter and Suzi.”

  Elsa stood up and left the kitchen. Gerhard sat there at the table for nearly an hour, smoking cigarette after cigarette. When he went to the sitting room, Elsa was in the chair by the window. The ashtray on the end table was full, too. Gerhard leaned against the door, unsure of what to say. Elsa spoke first.

  “I can’t live under the same roof with you. You have to leave.”

  “I understand. But will you allow me to stay until after Suzi gets married? Let’s not ruin her wedding day. I’ll go after that.”

  “Fine, then. But you’ll be sleeping in Peter’s room.”

  “What will we tell the children?”

  “I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

  “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “I am, too.”

  Naming Baby

  Demir and Suzi went straight from the doctor’s office to İnci Patisserie, where they dug into the famous profiteroles, their faces glowing, their eyes sparkling. And at that moment, neither of them worried about a future in which one would be posted to an army camp while the other nursed their newborn in the home of a mother-in-law furious about their prenuptial indiscretion. They were so young and so in love, and they could overcome anything.

  “You know what I was thinking?” Suzi said. “If it’s a boy, we should call him Emir. Emir, son of Demir.”

  “And if it’s a girl, we could drop the ‘zi’ from Suzi. Then she’d be ‘Su.’ I like that.”

  “Wait, I’ve got an even better idea. We’ll combine the first two letters of our names: she’ll be ‘Su-de’!”

  “Sude. I love it.”

  And that’s how Sude was named while still in her mother’s womb.

  Suzi got home that evening in high spirits, but sensed something was amiss when nobody greeted her. Before investigating, she turned her attention to the smell coming from the kitchen and devoured a piece of cake without benefit of a fork or plate.

  Her mother was nowhere to be seen, but her father’s raincoat was on its hook. She tapped on the door to his study and poked her head in.

  “You’re home early today! Did the smell of cake reach you all the way out in Beyazit?”

  Gerhard just looked at her.

  “Shall I get you a piece?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “It’s delicious. Mom outdid herself this time.”

  “I said no, Suzi!”

  “Somebody’s in a mood. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m writing something. Now, if you don’t mind . . .”

  “Well, pardon me.” She gently closed the door. How weird, she thought. He never acts like this. She went to her parents’ bedroom. This time, she entered without knocking.

  “What is it?” her mother asked, without looking up.

  “The cake turned out wonderfully.” When there was no response, Suzi added, “Shall I cut a piece and bring it to you?”

  “I’ve had enough. Merci.”

  “Suit yourself. Mom, we chose a name for our daughter.”

  “What daughter?”

  “Our baby. The one I’m going to have.”

  “How do you know it’ll be a girl?”

  “I just do. And if it is a girl—”

  “Suzi, have you ever considered doing things in their proper order? You got pregnant before you got married. When the baby comes so soon after the wedding, your father will be too embarrassed to look his colleagues in the eye. ‘What’s done is done,’ I said to myself. ‘I’ll hold my tongue. Better not to upset her while she’s pregnant.’ But then I realized you couldn’t care less about how this reflects on your family. Especially here in Turkey. Everyone will look down on you. Your in-laws are going to be horrified when they find out—you know that, right? Yet here you are, pleased as punch, when you should be ashamed of yourself.”

  “Mother, please stop. We moved the wedding up. There won’t be a scandal.”

  “Do you really think people won’t guess why you got married in such a hurry?”

  Suzi left the room without responding and went to her own bedroom. So that’s why her father was so grumpy. Mother and her moralizing. Why, oh why, was her mother so rigid, so German? If only Madame were alive. And she couldn’t go see Demir, either. There was an uptight matron in his house, too. The only difference was that one was a tall blonde, and the other a short brunette. She wondered which grandmother Sude would take after. If she was lucky, she’d look like her handsome father.

  Suzi paused in front of the door to her father’s study. She softly pushed the door open. Gerhard was standing in front of the window, wreathed in smoke. He’d been smoking a lot lately. She softly closed the door and suddenly realized how much she missed Peter. If he were here, she could go to his room and at least pick a good fight.

  The Wedding Gift

  Elsa didn’t recognize the voice on the phone. A what? An attorney? He kept asking for Suzi Şiliman, saying it was a confidential legal matter. What could it be? What new disaster had Suzi brought upon herself? Then the man said something about a bequest.

  “A bequest?” she asked. “Do you mean Suzi inherited something?”

  A tremor went through Elsa. Her own mother had been in a nursing home since her father’s death. Could she ha
ve passed?

  “Madame Virgine Takuhi Saryan has left a gift.”

  Oh dear, Elsa thought. I hope it’s not that enormous piano with the two sticking keys. We’ll never be able to make room for it, but Suzi won’t let us sell a precious memento of Madame, either. Where on earth will we put it?

  “Would you please inform Suzi Hanım that her presence is kindly requested for the official reading of the will. Eleven o’clock in the morning this coming Wednesday.”

  “I’ll tell her,” Elsa said.

  Shortly after eleven on the appointed day, Suzi gasped as the lawyer read Madame’s will.

  Earlier that morning, Elsa had begged Suzi not to bring home any dusty, run-down sticks of furniture. There was no space in their apartment for any of it. On the other hand, if Madame had decided to leave Suzi a keepsake in the form of jewelry, then Suzi was to thank Madame’s relatives and accept it as a remembrance of the good lady’s kindness.

  Now, Suzi had returned from the lawyer’s office. She was saying, “The bequest is a little dusty and quite run-down, Mutti, but it’s very comfortable. Forgive me, Mutti. I couldn’t refuse.”

  Well, Elsa thought, at least it can’t be the piano. Pianos aren’t “comfortable.”

  “Did she leave you that old burgundy sofa?”

  “Yes. Actually, she left us everything.”

  “What? What are you saying?”

  “Once the paperwork has been completed and the taxes paid, the apartment and all of its contents will belong to me and Demir. Madame has given us her home as a wedding present.”

  Elsa’s jaw dropped, and her eyes filled with tears. There were so many things she would have liked to say if only she’d known where to begin.

  Suzi and Demir were getting married the following week, just two months before Demir had to report for his military service. For those months, Demir would be living with the Schliemanns most of the time. Elsa suffered heart palpitations every time she thought about it. Suzi didn’t want to stay with his family, and Madame’s apartment wasn’t legally theirs yet, so what could Elsa say? She and Gerhard would have to pretend to be happy together for the sake of the newlyweds. They’d have to pretend their hearts weren’t breaking.