Kitty-Kitty, Bang-Bang

by Cairo

  “And like I said, you need to get ya back knocked. But you don’t hear me comin’ at ya neck all sideways ’n shit.”

  “Bitch, I ain’t comin’ at ya neck. I’m tryna get you to see you too damn fly to be birdin’ ya’self out. You gotta good man. Get ya’self a hobby.”

  “Newsflash, boo: I gotta hobby. Checkin’ niggas ’n runnin’ they pockets. So instead of puttin’ so much energy into my situation, how ’bout you focus on ya own shit.”

  I let out a disgusted grunt. See. You can’t tell a bitch like her nuthin’. She’s too damn hardheaded. A Miss Know It All bitch gotta learn the hard way. Then again, maybe she won’t. She’s been fuckin’ wit’ Divine’s ass for two years and ridin’ down on a few other niggas’ dicks whenever she feels like gettin’ her creep on, and his ass ain’t peeped it yet. Either she done fucked him blind or the nigga just don’t give a fuck ’cause he out there doin’ him, too. Nah, that ain’t his style. That nigga’s big on Chanel’s retarded ass. Like I said, this bitch gotta good-ass man who grinds hard e’ery day; a muhfucka who’d give her anything she wants, but she’d rather be out tryna trick another muhfucka up off’a his paper. Go figure. The last time I got at this ho ’bout doin’ sumthin’ wit’ her life—you know, goin’ to school or gettin’ her ass a job, she flat out told me, “Hustlin’ these niggas is a job. And a bitch like me is gonna always hustle a nigga off his paper.” So since then, I keep my dick sucka shut. Well, most of the time.

  “Mmmph, do you, boo-boo. But, trust. When that nigga finally peeps ya game, you do know he’s gonna knock ya whole grill out, right?”

  She sucks her teeth. “Bitch, I ain’t call ya ass for no Oprah special. All I wanna know is when you bringin’ ya stankan’ ass home. That’s it. And for the record, there ain’t shit for Divine to peep. All I’m doin’ is lookin’. There’s no harm in that.”

  I laugh. “Okay, answer me this: When’s the last time you popped another nigga’s dick in ya mouth?”

  “No comment.”

  I keep laughin’. “Unh-hunh; just what I thought. What you get outta it? A new Louis bag and some jewels?”

  “No.”

  “A few stacks?”

  “Nope. An iPad.”

  What the fuck?! This bitch givin’ up throat and she ain’t get no paper. No ice. No wears; just a six-hunnid-dollar electronic gadget. No extras wit’ it? OhmyGod, this bitch’s fuckin’ ’n suckin’ for peanuts! Shit, she might as well fucked the nigga for free if you ask me. ’Cause six hunnid ain’t shit, especially when you fuckin’ over a muhfucka whose gonna snap and do a Chris Brown on ya ass if he ever finds out. The last time this ho gave up some charity pussy was when she fucked Cash’s cousin Coal. And even then I looked at her ass like she still had the nigga’s dick snot hangin’ from her lips.

  I pull the phone from my ear, starin’ at it, then put it back to my ear. “An iPad? Are you fuckin’ serious? Let me get this shit straight. You mean to tell me you tryna fuck up ya situation by fuckin’ ’round wit’ a muhfucka for some bullshit-ass gadget? Some shit Divine woulda bought ya ass.”

  “Whaaateva,” she snaps, tryna front like she’s heated.

  “Hmmph. Ya nasty ho-ass is still my girl. But don’t say I didn’t warn ya trick ass.”

  “Bitch, you make me sick. I don’t know why I waste my time even fuckin’ wit ya ugly ass.”

  “Oh, get ova it,” I say, crackin’ up. She gets quiet. I musta hit a nerve. “Oh, so now you wanna be on mute? Let me find out you on some sensitive shit. I’ma fuck you up myself.”

  She sucks her teeth. “Kat, lick my ass. Ain’t nobody on mute nuthin’. I was doin’ sumthin’.”

  I take another pull off’a my blunt. “Oh, aiight. ’Cause I was about to say.”

  “Puhleeze. The only thing you need to be sayin’ is when you gettin’ here so we can shut shit down. I ain’t got all day to be fuckin’ wit’ ya snotty ass.”

  “Trick, I just saw ya ugly ass two months ago when you came out here. I ain’t fuckin’ wit’ you like that,” I tease. Although I wasn’t plannin’ on goin’ back home ’til the summer, it’s been a minute since a bitch popped these hips, so I might make a special appearance. “When’s this shit?”

  She tells me it’s the last weekend in April. Then says I should probably stay ’til after Memorial Day weekend so we can party in Miami. “Ho, don’t be tryna plan my time.”

  “Oh whaaateva. It ain’t like you punchin’ a clock where you at. Besides, ya ass misses these East Coast niggas, and you know it.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t miss ya ugly, yellow ass,” I say, takin’ another pull. “Look, hit me up later. You fuckin’ up my high. You know a bitch don’t like to make plans ’til after I done sparked a fatty.”

  “Ooooh, save me some.”

  “Bitch, take ya fiend ass somewhere and go suck a dick.”

  “Fuck you, wit’ ya monkey ass.”

  I choke on weed smoke. “Ho, drink bleach. You smell like you been lickin’ the back of a garbage truck.” We bust out laughin’, poppin’ mad shit back ’n forth ’til we finally hang up. I walk over to the glass doors and open them, walkin’ out onto the balcony. I take in the bangin’-ass view of Mt. Tam and the San Francisco Bay. Breathe in the crisp air. Not bad for a bitch from da hood, I thought, takin’ two deep pulls off’a my blunt. Never in a million years would I think I would be someplace like here. Quiet. No drama. No stress. No bullshit-ass niggas and family. I could get used to this. But, Chanel’s right. I miss the East Coast. I miss the hustle ’n bustle of the city. I miss the swagger of the streets. I miss home. I take two last tokes of my blunt, tap out what’s left, then toss it over the railin’.

  For some reason, talkin’ to Chanel’s ass got me thinkin’ ’bout summertime in New York. How that shit be live ’n poppin’ wit’ mad niggas and bitches gettin’ they shine on, flossin’ and flexin’; stereos blastin’ the hot beats; muhfuckas gettin’ they smoke on; hoes stuntin’ on da dick; young cats poppin’ off, bringin’ heat to the streets. Whew, a bitch’s pussy is startin’ to overheat just thinkin’ ’bout it. Yeah, Cali is cute. This quietness and scenery is real special. But it’s time for a bitch to step back on the East Coast scene ’n shake shit up a bit.

  I walk back into the master bedroom, pullin’ off my wife beater, then removin’ my panties. I lift open my Louis trunk, searchin’ for the perfect toy to take the edge off. Sumthin’ that’s gonna stretch this pussy out. Sumthin’ aggressive; sumthin’ raw. I pull out the Slugger—a ten-inch, thick, jet-black dildo. Oh, yes, I’ma ride the shit outta you, I think, pullin’ out its harness. I walk over to my closet and drag out my stool, strap the harness over the seat, then attach Slugger. I position the stool in front of the wall mirror. I wanna watch myself gettin’ off. A bitch don’t even need any Wet ’cause my juicy pussy is already leakin’ wit’ anticipation. I’ma ride this shit like I’m ridin’ the streets of New York, fast ’n furious and full of power. I hit the remote for the stereo.

  As soon as Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” comes on, I climb up on top of the stool, lower my hips down onto the head of my rubber companion, then slather Slugger wit’ all of my creamy juices. I match my rhythm to the beat of the music. Imagine I’m on the top floor of the Empire State Buildin’ fuckin’ a nigga named New York. A nigga whose as mean and as gritty and grimy, and as rough as its streets. “…These streets will make you feel brand new…the lights will inspire you…let’s here it for New York, New York, New York…”

  “Oooooh, yes, New York…fuck me…aaaah…mmmm…beat this pussy up, nigga…” I buck my hips, slam my hips down onto Slugger; take it balls deep, rock back ’n forth. Scream out, “Newwwwwww York!” Then, just as I’m nuttin’, a bitch falls off’a the muthafuckin’ stool, bangin’ her dome. I bust out laughin’ as my juices spurt outta me. “Bitch, you done bust ya ass tryna get that nut. What’a mess.”

  I get up, wipe the cream runnin’ down the inside of my thighs wit’ my hand, then lick my fingas. Pussy cream t
his damn good should be bottled and sold on the streets, I think, climbin’ my ass back into bed. I pull the goose comforter up over me, closin’ my eyes wit’ thoughts of New York, where paper is made and bitches are paid. The big city of delicious dick and muthafuckin’ sweet dreams.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Smilin’ faces…changin’ places…things ain’t always what they seem to be…sumtimes life becomes a charade…a mask of disguises… dippin’ outta sight…eliminatin’ da fakes…flushin’ out da snakes… clown-ass bitches can’t eva keep a butta chick down…fuck what ya heard…cream always rises…

  The next day, I’m on’a ferry goin’ over into downtown San Francisco to get it in. It’s mid-afternoon and packed on this shit for a Wednesday from all’a the tourists and what-not tryna make their way back to Fog City ’cause that’s exactly what the fuck it is. The shit can be so thick that it’s almost spooky. But I ain’t gonna front; a few times I wished I was stuck in the middle of the bay on a boat late at night or earlier in the mornin’ bein’ fucked down lovely in it.

  I guess some’a you nosey asses wanna know how I ended up here. Well, on some real shit, I stumbled on Sausalito while I was out here in San Francisco, handlin’ a target three years ago—this big, burly, light-skinned, Magilla Gorilla-type nigga wit’ freckles. Ugh, he made my fuckin’ eyeballs ache lookin’ at ’im. Anyway, I thought Sausalito was cute’n cozy wit’ all’a its cafés and pricey boutique shops. Although they ain’t really servin’ shit I wanna buy, I was lovin’ the vibe. So here I am.

  After pickin’ up a few cute pieces at Bloomingdales and Louis Vuitton, for some reason, I feel like playin’ tourist today. I’ve been chillin’ in the Bay Area for almost a year and have never done any of the touristy shit, ’cept go down to Fisherman’s Wharf, which is a buncha shops, restaurants, and tourist attractions.

  I decide to take a cable car ride. Sumthin’ I’ve never done. Probably ’cause any time I’m downtown over on Powell or Hyde Streets, the muthafuckin’ lines are long as hell. And a bitch ain’t beat to be standin’ in heels waitin’ to be on some damn trolley. But, today…the lines aren’t bad. Probably ’cause I hop on at California Street line at Van Ness. So I dare to be adventurous. Yes, this is what a bitch’s social life has come to, shoppin’ and sightseein’. I find myself laughin’ to myself as we go through the financial district. Ugh! Borrrrrrin’!

  By the time we make it to Chinatown, a bitch is ready to hop the fuck off’a this contraption. I’ve had enough of this shit, I think, glancin’ at my timepiece.

  WHILE I’M SITTIN’ UP ON THIS TROLLEY, MY THOUGHTS DRIFT TO Grant—again. I try to blink the nigga’s face outta my head. Usually I can. But, right now—for some reason, I can’t. I ain’t gonna sit here ’n front wit’ ya asses. That nigga Grant haunted me. His eyes were filled with hate when he asked me if I was gonna smoke him, too. I had’a look that nigga dead in his grill, knowin’ I was gonna slump ’im. And it made me so fuckin’ sick to my stomach. And for the first time in my life, regret did creep up on me. But I had’a shake that shit off. I had’a remind myself that there was no muthafuckin’ time for it. I had’a remember my rule. I had’a repeat that shit in my head a thousand times before I raised my gun and aimed it at him.

  “It’s what I do,” I had’a tell him, shiftin’ my eyes from his hurtful stare. The nigga had love and hate all wrapped up in his eyes. They were pleadin’ with me. Even though he knew I was gonna blast him, he didn’t blink. He was a real nigga. And that’s what I dug ’bout him. But, at that moment, killin’ was my life. And I wasn’t goin’ down on some soft shit for some dick—for you, or any-fuckin’-body else. Maybe if he hadn’t tried to reach for his piece, maybe things woulda turned out different. Maybe it wouldn’t have. I don’t know. But what I do know is the nigga moved after I told him, warned him, not to. So, I took his head off. And his vacant brown eyes starin’ up at the ceilin’, his blood seepin’ outta his skull, his lifeless body sprawled out on the mattress next to his people’s—all those images had a bitch spooked for a minute. I stayed lifted for weeks, tryna keep that shit outta my head. But e’erytime I closed my eyes, he was there fuckin’ wit’ a bitch.

  And when I stepped up in his funeral like I was the black Jackie O—the real Jackie O. Mrs. Kennedy, that is. Not that busted-ass rapper broad—laid out in my Chanel wears and bling, for one hot minute, all eyes were on me as I swayed my hips up to the double caskets. I touched the side of Grant’s face, then leaned in and kissed his forehead; the same spot my bullet hit when I shut his lights. Then I walked over and took his grievin’ mother’s hand, slidin’ her a card wit’ ten crisp Ben Franklins in it while expressin’ my condolences. She dabbed at her eyes, thankin’ me. Then I took my seat in the back of the room among the sea of mourners and scanned the room, takin’ in the faces of e’eryone. Oh, it was terrible listenin’ to the family and some’a his man’ ’n ’em scream and sob and fall out over the loss of two of their loved ones. I shifted in my seat a few times, dabbin’ at my eyes. But sittin’ through that ordeal was more torturous than B-Love’s funeral ever was. It ripped a hole in my heart to sit through the whole service starin’ at that nigga stuffed in a casket. Oh, it was terrible! But I survived it. And got over it!

  And on some crazy shit, if I inhale deep enough, I can sometimes smell the muhfucka. His cologne and his sweaty, musky, I-just-finished-fuckin’-the-shit-outta-ya-ass scent is stamped in a bitch’s head. Other times, I can hear him whisperin’ in my ear, tellin’ me how good and deep and juicy this pussy is. Or I can taste his dick ’n balls on my tongue. Then there are times when I am in bed and I snap up, feelin’ the nigga’s hands runnin’ up ’n down and along the dangerous curves of my body.

  For three months straight, the shit had’a bitch jumpin’ up outta bed and flickin’ lights on ’n shit. And that’s exactly why—well, one of the reasons, I bounced the hell up outta Jersey when I did. It felt like the walls were closin’ in on me. And it was rattlin’ my fuckin’ nerves. The other reason I dipped was if I had stayed I knew I would still be bangin’ niggas’ brains out. I needed to prove to myself that I could walk away; that a bitch wasn’t controlled by the shit.

  On some real shit, I’ve bodied a buncha muhfuckas and none of ’em ever fucked me up like what went down in AC. Shit. Even when I took B-Love’s head off after I caught him fuckin’ Patrice, I didn’t feel any kind’a way ’bout it. Probably ’cause I plotted on that nigga. I knew what it was. But Grant…nah, there wasn’t a bullet wit’ his name on it, not from me. That shit was different. I was diggin’ him. Wanted to build wit’ him. Bottom line, the nigga wasn’t supposed to be there. But he was. So the nigga had’a take one for the team. And that’s what it is.

  You already know when I was bodyin’ muhfuckas there was no time for compassion or sympathy. And there was definitely no time for muthafuckin’ regret. Unfortunately, Grant got caught up bein’ at the wrong place at the wrong time, and got got. The shit wasn’t personal. I couldn’t let it be. It was ’bout clockin’ that paper ’cause a bitch was gettin’ paid by the body. Not gettin’ clanked up. So fuck all that ying-yang ya’ll been poppin’. I had’a do what I had’a do. And sheddin’ a buncha tears ’bout sum shit I couldn’t change wasn’t gonna bring the nigga back. He was dead. And a bitch had’a keep pressin’. So, yes, I put back on my wig, slipped my chrome back into my bag and slid outta the hotel room, chokin’ back tears. When I finally made it to my rental and had’a make that call to Cash, that was one’a the hardest things I had’a do. I remember, takin’ a deep breath, tryna steady my voice as I told him, “I know why the caged bird sings.”

  Then after I told him that there was another body in the room, I had’a tell him that a bitch needed a break. I knew if I didn’t bounce I was gonna end up snappin’ or doin’ sum other reckless shit. Like I told ya’ll before I knew that shit was in my blood—killin’. Lookin’ into a nigga’s eyes, splatterin’ his fuckin’ brains while ridin’ down on his dick did sumthin’ to a bitch. Made my puss
y hot, made it pop. The thrill of the kill turned me on. And it overshadowed the risks. But that shit down in Atlantic City cost me sumthin’. It cost me what was startin’ to feel like love—well, at least the idea of it—and the chance to finally be free.

  However, a bitch had’a get the fuck over it. Heartache and cryin’ over a nigga ain’t what I do. My name ain’t Juanita, okay? Uh, duh, the neglectful bitch—yes, you heard me right. I said bitch!—who dropped me outta her hairy pussy for those of you who can’t remember the script. Annnyway, I saw enough of that shit growin’ up watchin’ her dumb ass go nutty over the dick. I swore I would never, ever be her. And I mean that.

  Speakin’ of that bird, I haven’t seen or spoken to her ass since that night she came to my spot with her face all banged the fuck up by that young nigga she was fuckin’. Then she had the fuckin’ audacity to bring her sister Rosa wit’ her ass. And that bitch came poppin’ outta bushes tryna bring it, callin’ me out to fight her like the ghetto-ass bird she is. Get real. I’m done wit’ all of ’em. As far as I’m concerned I ain’t got no family. And I made that very clear when I pulled my chrome out on ’em. And, hell muthafuckin’ yeah, don’t get it twisted. I woulda put a bullet in both of them bitches. E’erything Juanita stands for makes me fuckin’ sick. She’s a weak bitch in my eyes. And I don’t respect her. Nor do I have any love for her. But the crazy thing is I don’t hate her ass either. I don’t feel shit for her. I guess ’cause I learned to finally accept who she was, and is—neglectful, selfish, and straight pathetic. Which is why I had no problem lookin’ her dead in her busted-up eyes and tellin’ her flat out that I wanted nuthin’ else to do wit’ her, then slammin’ my door in her raggedy-ass face. I meant that shit on e’erything I love. And that ain’t much, trust.

  Anywaaaaaay, enough ’bout all that shit. For the last two years, I’ve been doin’ me. Lovely, I might add. So, fuck what ya heard. I’m stayin’ away from fucked up family, niggas, and guns. Well, uh…shootin’ ’em that is. ’Cause I still gotta few pieces I keep in my personal collection.