Of course Connor would. Connor was probably a damn good dad, too.
“Of course you may.”
He lifted her up to sit on the counter and, after washing their hands, showed her how to measure the scoop of powder, how to level it off, let her dump it into the bottle herself. Then he put the nipple and top together and let her pour the water in, showing her where the line was for it. He took over screwing the top on and shaking it.
“Thank you very much for your help, Kayleigh.”
She shot him a little salute. “You’we welcome. Daddy says I’m a self-wescuing pwincess.” She nodded for emphasis, and it nearly broke his heart.
He could see every bit of Connor in her features, his Master—a man who now hated him.
Not that he blamed him.
“Your Daddy sounds like a very smart man.” He helped her off the counter and tidied up while she returned to the living room. He was leaving that canister of powdered formula there for them, instead of having to tote one back and forth every day in the diaper bag.
He took Zee—freshly changed and dressed—from Etsu and sat on the couch to feed her, a burp cloth on his shoulder.
That’s when the front door opened, and Douglas didn’t need to look to know it was Connor. The very air of the room changed.
Douglas closed his eyes and awaited the explosion. He felt Connor enter the room even before Kayleigh greeted him.
“Hello, Douglas.”
He swallowed hard and forced his eyes open, but couldn’t bring himself to do more than look at Connor’s feet, certain he would burst into tears if he looked up into his eyes.
Hello, Sir. “Hi, Connor.” He refocused on Zee, on her half-closed eyes, the way she sucked on her bottle.
What about 10:1? What about Your promise?
That’s when Douglas knew that Etsu knew. “Hey, Kayleigh, come help me fold these towels really quick, please?”
“Okay. We be wight back, Daddy.”
“Okay, Princess.”
He sensed Connor approaching, stopping just outside his direct line of vision.
“Etsu told me about your wife,” Connor softly said. “Then I looked and saw the Facebook post. I’m…sorry for your loss.”
Douglas didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything, just gave a little nod.
If he tried to have a conversation with Connor he knew he’d start crying. He didn’t want to lose it in front of Kayleigh, if nothing else. Didn’t want to put Connor on the spot with his little girl.
“You are now, or you were a priest?” Undisguised venom dripped from the last word.
“Was,” he finally managed to whisper, closing his eyes as tears once again welled up.
You broke your promise to me, Sir.
But then again, he’d broken the one he’d made to Connor, even if Connor didn’t know about it in the first place.
* * * *
Connor had his definitive proof the moment he pulled into the driveway and parked directly behind the SUV with the Wisconsin plates.
But he hadn’t been prepared to see Douglas sitting there and being a…father.
If it wasn’t for the baby in Douglas’ arms, or Kayleigh being in the house, he’d grab the man by the throat and slam him against the wall and demand answers.
Except…
He hated that Douglas was crying.
Hated that the sight of that man crying was enough to nearly take him out at the knees and make him want to drop to his knees in front of Douglas and beg forgiveness for slamming the door in his face and breaking his promise to him.
To want to make his boy smile again.
To want to cup his boy’s now-shaven cheeks and make him fucking look him in the eyes and swear to Connor that Douglas would never hurt a child and explain oh, why the everlovin’ fuck did he become a priest in the first place?
Behind him, the front door opened and he heard Niall’s clipped, tense-sounding tone. “Yoo hoo, I’m home.”
“Unca Niwall!” Kayleigh called out from down the hall. Douglas quickly wiped his cheeks on his shoulders and sniffled back tears. Connor could see the man putting a mask on, literally.
Guess a priest would need to be able to do that.
Connor turned and immediately spotted his friend’s concern, but Kayleigh swooped in to kneecap Niall in a hug, Etsu right behind her and looking…tense.
“Come on, Princess,” Connor said. “We need to get going. Daddy’s had a really long, bad day.”
“Okay. Howld on, pwease.” Connor watched as she sashayed herself over to where Douglas sat on the couch, leaned in, and kissed the baby on top of the head. “Bye-bye, Zee-zee. See you tomowwow.”
Then she looked up at Douglas. “See you tomowwow, Doctuh Cowneg.”
Douglas offered her an almost-real smile. “See you tomorrow, Kayleigh.”
He wasn’t sure if he hated himself or Douglas more when the image of the two of them sitting cuddled on his couch and watching TV with their daughters flashed through his head, and nearly made him ask Niall and Etsu to take Kayleigh out to eat so that he and Douglas could talk.
Except…there wasn’t anything for him to say to the man.
Was there?
Then Kayleigh planted her hands on her hips and stared up at him. “I stiww say he wooks wike your fwiend.”
The laugh barked free, unbidden, and he spoke without thinking. “That’s because Douglas is Daddy’s friend, Princess.”
“Den why did you say he can’t come back?”
Ohhhh, fuckballs.
He watched as, behind Kayleigh, Douglas’ eyes squeezed closed again and Connor could tell the man was about to start crying.
Fuck. If Kayleigh spotted that, there would be no end to the hell he’d have trying to get her out of there, because if someone was crying and it wasn’t her, her first instinct was to try to comfort them.
He scooped Kayleigh up onto his hip. “Because I guess I misunderstood what he said. Hey, Ni, would you mind grabbing her stuff for me and help me get her out? I really need to get home.”
“Sure. Pet, please help.”
“Yes, Si-uuuhh, sure thing.”
Crap, they were all off their game if the two of them were forgetting little things like that around Kayleigh.
He started for the front door with her in his arms when Kayleigh grabbed his shirt collar and yanked on it, pulling him up short to scold him.
“Daddy. You didn’t say good-bye to youw fwiend. Dat’s wude.”
Motherfucker.
He forced a smile and turned. “Goodbye, Douglas. See you later.”
Douglas wouldn’t open his eyes, but he nodded. “Goodbye, Connor.”
“See? Dat’s not hawd.”
Jesusfuckingchrist, and she was only three.
He wasn’t sure if he wanted to imagine what a handful she was going to be in a few years.
He carried her outside and was trying to strap her into her carseat on the back passenger side when Niall and Etsu scrambled out of the house with her things.
Connor closed the car door and turned, keeping his voice low. “I’m going to fucking kill you, you sonofabitch. Why didn’t you tell me who he was?”
“So ye wish for me to tell him all the things ye’ve confided in me during sessions, then?”
“No!”
“Well, then? Why would ye expect me not to hold a confidence wi’ him now, eh?”
Because he’s my fucking boy and I deserved to know.
But he bit the words back before they fell from his mouth.
Connor grumbled and snatched Kayleigh’s bag from his hands before rounding the back of the car.
“Still going to see ye tomorrow at work then, will I?”
Connor glared over the roof at him as he opened the back driver’s side door and put her things inside, then shut it.
Niall wore a smirk, but Etsu looked half terrified, as if worried a fight was going to break out between them.
Connor forced himself to take a
deep breath. “Yeah. Ten o’clock.” He yanked his door open and got in, slamming it shut.
Ohhh, he damn sure wasn’t going to miss that appointment. He had a few words for his friend.
Words that couldn’t be said in front of Kayleigh.
Chapter Thirteen
Douglas kept his eyes closed and tipped his head back against the couch at the sound of the front door closing behind Connor and Kayleigh.
“Wait here,” Niall ordered before they followed Connor out with Kayleigh’s things.
Dear God, are You even there, or are You just laughing Your ass off at me right now? Because in all seriousness, this isn’t very fucking funny. Maybe Job was able to get through his trials, but I’m not that strong. If I’m Your “here, hold my beer and watch this” patsy to show off by fucking with me in front of Your friends, please stop, okay? Please?
Amen.
He didn’t know how much more his heart could take, being emotionally whipsawed like this.
I need to find a new sitter as soon as possible.
It would suck, and probably cost him a lot more money, but he wouldn’t disrupt Kayleigh after she’d already been through so much. Besides, Etsu was Connor’s sitter first.
After a few minutes, he heard a car start outside and drive off. Only then did Niall and Etsu return.
“Pet, please give us a moment, eh?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Good girl.”
He sensed Niall walk over and only then did Douglas open his eyes.
“How long have you known?” Douglas asked.
“I quickly put it together during our talk Monday.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?”
Niall shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. And a bit of a sadist, if ye didn’t get the memo. I suspected Connor had the wrong end of the stick about ye. I’m talkin’ to him tomorrow. Have faith.”
Douglas shivered as Ryan Ausar’s words came back to him. “He hates me.”
“I don’t think that’s quite true.”
“He hates that I was a priest.”
Niall scratched his chin. “I guess it’s not breaking my professional oath if I knowingly nod at this point. But he has his…reasons.”
Douglas watched his daughter. “I know his reasons,” he softly said. “You have my permission to tell him everything I told you. I have nothing to hide from him.” His tears resumed as the truth slammed into him. “I’m always going to be his boy, even if he doesn’t want me anymore.”
“Hey, now.” Niall grabbed a box of tissues and sat next to him on the couch. “Don’t be assumin’ something that’s not even settled yet, eh? I think ye’re both in ‘sortin-out’ mode right now. Lot of emotions runnin’ really feckin’ high for both of ye. I’ll know more after I talk to him tomorrow. Maybe once he has a chance to process things, now that he knows ye’re neither married nor a priest anymore, he’ll be able to face ye and talk to ye like an adult.”
Douglas sniffled back his tears. “I don’t know how much he’s told you, but I know me being a priest is a deal-breaker for him.”
Niall sighed. “Again, let me talk to him before ye start cryin’ in yer cups, a’right? I know exactly what ye’re talkin’ about in that regard. Are ye sure ye want me tellin’ him everything?”
Douglas nodded. “Yeah. It’s okay.”
Niall patted him on the shoulder. “All right, then,” he gently said. “Just know none of us are takin’ sides. And I won’t hear any talk about ye findin’ a new babysitter, either. I think if I can get him to just feckin’ talk to ye, his heart’ll do the rest.” He stood and left the room, presumably to go talk to Etsu.
Douglas took a deep breath and closed his eyes again.
I hope the “hold my beer” comment didn’t piss You off, Lord, but I won’t lie to You. Please give me the strength to not get my hopes up. If I do that…it might crush me for good. Please give me an extra heaping of grace, because I’m going to need a fuck-ton of it. Thank You. Amen.
* * * *
“Why are you mad, Daddy?”
Connor glanced in the rearview mirror and spotted the storm clouds in Kayleigh’s expression. “I’m not mad, Princess. I’m—”
What? What was he?
“Daddy’s got a lot on his mind right now.”
“Why don’t you haf yourw fwiend overw fow dinnuh? I wike Doctuh Cowneg.”
This would be funny if he was watching it on a sitcom.
For his life?
Not so much.
“It’s complicated, Princess. Douglas and I haven’t been friends for a long time.”
“You jus met him?”
“I—” Jesusfuck. “I meant we knew each other a long time ago, Princess. We haven’t been friends for a long time now.”
“But you stiww fwiends?”
Fuckballs.
“I guess we are.” He didn’t need to complicate this—it was already fucking complicated enough.
“I think he needs mowe fwiends. He jus moved here.”
“What do you want to make to go with dinner, Princess? Macaroni and cheese with cauliflower, or rice and broccoli?”
“Oooh, macawoni, pwease! Awe we still making chicken?”
Macawoni, FTW. “Absolutely.”
It wasn’t until he got Kayleigh fed, bathed, and in bed that he was able to crawl into the shower and stand there, head against the wall.
Fuck.
My.
Life.
He’d been moving along pretty decently, all things considered, and then Douglas comes—
No, wait, that wasn’t true.
Not if he was really honest with himself.
He hadn’t “dated” since before Kayleigh was born. He’d been too busy working, hustling to sell cars, as well as run the service department, to earn extra money. He’d put Kayleigh on his health insurance plan, because after Karlie hurt her shoulder before Kayleigh was born, he knew damn well it’d be a while before she financially got back on her feet again.
She’d been damned lucky she hadn’t broken her neck in the fall, and he’d spent plenty of worried days in the immediate aftermath of her fall, when she’d been on bed rest and they’d waited to see if the baby had suffered any injuries.
Fortunately not.
But Karlie had lost her job once it was obvious she couldn’t go back to work, and surgery to fix her shoulder was out of the question until after Kayleigh’s birth. The doctor had said they could do it, but Karlie had been adamant about not doing anything that might put the baby at further risk. Meaning the bulk of Kayleigh’s care had always fallen on him since Karlie couldn’t even lift her and could barely hold her.
More disappointment there. Here he’d thought she was a responsible woman, was going to be an amazing mom and co-parent to their daughter…
And then she’d turned out to be a lying drug addict who put their daughter at risk by getting involved with a fucking scumbag drug dealer.
He’d felt zero remorse paying her to go away in exchange for her signing over full custody and giving up her parental rights. Had he known about her history of drug abuse when she was in high school, he never would have agreed to be her baby’s father.
Then again, I wouldn’t have Kayleigh.
His mind swiveled and fixated on the image of Douglas sitting on Niall’s couch, feeding his baby while choking back tears.
He’s not a priest anymore. He still loves you.
That’s what the quiet, rational voice inside him tried to force him to focus on.
Except he couldn’t forget driving back and forth to Tampa every day for the trial, how he’d lost nearly twenty pounds over those two weeks because he damn near couldn’t keep anything down but Gatorade and ginger ale.
How he’d barely made it through the door every night before he was puking. Or how sometimes he’d have to pull over on I-75 and puke right there on the shoulder, with cars zooming past him.
Or starting his mornings dry heaving j
ust from thinking about seeing the fucker sitting there at the defense table, looking like some harmless old grandfather in his suit and tie.
Thank god he hadn’t been wearing his priest outfit, or Connor knew he might have been hurling right there in the courtroom.
How the man had, a couple of times during recesses, stood and turned and looked at him but not registering the slightest bit of recognition.
Look at me, motherfucker.
How he now towered over the guy, was about three of him, could probably snap the guy’s neck if he wrapped his hands around his throat.
Look at me, motherfucker. Look at me. Not one of your “special” boys anymore, am I?
How many other boys went through hell in the years between him killing Connor’s ability to even think about ever setting foot in a church again and when the law finally caught up with the sonofabitch?
How many?
And then there was his boy—his motherfucking boy put on the goddamned shirt and collar and robes and cincture and other fucking trappings of those goddamned motherfucking pedophilic bastards.
How many of those bastards did his boy help cover up for?
Connor turned his face up to the spray, eyes closed, letting it sting his flesh.
How did he ever possibly start to reconcile his love for Douglas with his hatred for what Douglas had done? The betrayal not only of never coming back to him, but becoming one of them?
His tears mixed with the water and flowed down the drain along with the soft sound of his sobs.
* * * *
Douglas never made it to the other apartments he wanted to look at. He spent a mostly sleepless night tossing and turning. Around four a.m. he gave up and settled in bed with Zee against his chest and his rosary in his right hand.
Mindlessly, he prayed the Rosary until his alarm went off at five thirty and Zee awakened at the sound.
It didn’t matter, he supposed, if he ran into Connor this morning or not. The secret was out.
And even though Niall had said to forget about trying to find another babysitter, Douglas knew he’d have to. It was only right, and he wouldn’t put Connor through more bullshit than he already had.
He was a little surprised when he arrived at Niall’s and found Kayleigh was already there, although sound asleep on the sofa.
Come in From the Cold Page 12
