Dan and Frankie Save the World

by Richard Langridge

  Before I could even begin to try to make sense of this, he waltzed over to a nearby table where a group of very big, very scary creatures were playing a game of what looked like cribbage, many of whom boasting more of those awful tentacle-arms. He took a moment to shake the paper out before slamming it down on the table, sending the cribbage set and all its many pieces scattering wildly to the ground.

  The group jumped to their feet at once. ‘Hey!’

  Dex leaned over the paper and frowned. ‘Now, according to this map, the hangar is on the other side of this wall here—’ He pointed to the towering slab of stone to our right; incidentally the largest, most unclimbable-looking wall in the entire joint. Of course. ‘But seeing as climbing it is for the moment impossible, we’re going to need to come up with other arrangements if we’re going to try and get out of this dump. Then there’s the guards to consider, also—see ’em?’ He pointed to the top of the walls, where more of those men in visors stood, large-looking objects in their hands I didn’t need a degree in weapons development to know were guns.

  ‘Tell me again why you have a map of this place?’ I said. Then it hit me. It was so obvious. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t realized already. ‘Dex, wait… have you been here before?’

  ‘No, Bif, I absolutely have not been to this prison before.’

  ‘Was that… was that sarcasm?’

  He stared hard at me.

  And there it was. I was pinning all my hopes of survival on a career criminal, one who used half eaten “Quipslifs” for secret compartment levers, and, even though I’d admittedly only known him a short while, seemed drunk pretty much all of the time. If that didn’t just scream “screwed”, I didn’t know what did.

  One of the group approached us. Some big guy, with pink, sore-looking scales all over his hands and face. He looked like every nightmare I’d ever had. A rapier version, anyway. ‘YOU PUNK! I OUGHT TO RIP YOUR—!’

  ‘Hold this for me, will you?’ said Dex. He tossed the guy a little ball-shaped contraption, about the size of a golf ball, the guy catching it on reflex. It looked like a miniature disco ball. Or a Death Star for ants.

  Dex turned back to me. ‘You, uh, might want to get down now, Bif.’

  ‘Why will I—’

  The scaly man exploded.

  With a crack of electricity, the creature that was Scales Man disappeared in a purple mist, sending bits of himself shooting across the courtyard. Warm chunks of terrible somethings slapped against my chest, my face. If not for the sheer shock, I probably would have passed out again.

  Everybody froze. The sound of mingled chatter that had until then been so prevalent inside the courtyard ceased, the sound falling away so instantly it was like I’d just gone deaf.

  For how long things stayed this way, I do not know.

  All I know is what happened next.

  There was sudden movement from across the courtyard.

  A creature with the body of a gorilla jumped up onto a table. He raised his hands to his fish mouth. ‘RIOT!’

  It was like a starting pistol.

  All across the courtyard, beings of various shape and size broke into spontaneous fighting, punching and kicking, and—in some cases—even biting those standing closest to them. Fists were thrown and necks were choked (those who had necks, at least).

  Dex pulled me back against the wall as everything quickly went to hell around us. He raised his wrist again, where a watch-like accessory now lay, even though, like with the miniature Death Star, that should have been impossible, seeing as we’d had all our personal possessions confiscated while back on the spaceship. For someone having just found themselves in the middle of a prison riot, he looked unusually calm. ‘Okay, wait for it…’

  As we stood there waiting, a creature comprised of all spindly arms and legs jostled its way over to us, scowling fiercely, claw-hands raised, ready to fight.

  Dex held up a hand. ‘Not now.’

  The creature hesitated for a moment, then lowered its head and slowly skulked away again.

  I finally found the strength to speak. ‘I’m sorry; what are we waiting for here, exactly?’

  ‘You’ll see. Just have to—ah, here we go!’

  The stone doors behind us opened with a clunk as a gang of those leather-clad visor-men appeared, each bearing long truncheon-like objects in their hands.

  Dex turned to me. ‘Time to go, Bif!’ And he grabbed me by the arm and hauled me towards the exit.

  We slipped through just as the doors slammed shut again, the two of us barely managing to get out in time before getting squished like a certain Zurthula, the waft of air as the doors hit home almost bowling the both of us over.

  I’m not sure what I’d been expecting when we got outside. True, there was a small part of me that hoped there’d be a spaceship sitting here waiting for us, that Dex had somehow, in that inexplicable way he seemed able to do things, managed to procure one for us.

  But there was no spaceship. No getaway vehicle.

  Instead we were met by what I was sure must have been about fifty of those leather-clad visor-men, all with more of those long, oddly shaped guns in their hands.

  They saw us standing there and raised them.

  ‘DON’T MOVE!’

  We immediately leapt to our right, throwing ourselves behind a stack of crates as laser fire tore through the air above our heads.

  ‘WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW?!’ I cried, turning to look at Dex squatting down beside me. I could barely even hear myself crying.

  Dex shook his head. ‘BEATS ME! THIS IS ACTUALLY AS FAR AHEAD AS I PLANNED.’

  ‘YOU—WAIT, WHAT?!’

  ‘I KNOW, RIGHT?’ He barked laughter. ‘I AM SUCH A LOOSE CANON. I MEAN, AM I JUST A TOTAL MAVERICK RENEGADE RIGHT NOW, OR WHAT?’

  Beams of fiery light zapped over our heads as the visor-men continued to open fire.

  I put my hands over my face. ‘OH GOD WE’RE GONNA DIE.’

  ‘RELAX, BIF. IF THERE’S ONE THING I’VE LEARNED IN THESE SITUATIONS, IT’S THAT THE UNIVERSE ALWAYS PROVIDES.’

  I began to ask what the heck he was talking about, but then—

  He nodded to the space above my left shoulder.

  I followed his gaze.

  Some marking. On the crate’s side. Looked almost like…

  ‘WAIT, ARE THOSE—?’

  He pulled open the crate, sending little hexagonal shapes spilling across the ground by our feet. He picked one of the shapes up and twisted it, causing a series of lights to begin to flash.

  I suddenly got a very bad feeling.

  ‘FIRE IN THE HOLE!’ he cried, before reaching up and tossing one of the hexagonal shapes over the crates.

  There was a moment where the visor-men continued to open fire, beams of light shooting wildly over our heads—

  FLOOP!

  The firing stopped.

  After a moment’s hesitation (and despite my better judgement), I risked a look over the crate to see exactly why it seemed we were no longer about to be shot to death—

  I gasped.

  The visor-men; they were lying on the ground in a ball—and when I say “in a ball”, I mean in a literal ball. I saw limbs stuck to limbs. Heads poking out of asses. It was like they’d been almost, what… fused together?

  As I stood there gawping at it all, a door to our left slid open, and more visor-men appeared, firing as they emerged.

  Dex dragged me to my feet again, the two of us sprinting across the jagged rock while laser bullets of the most unimaginative kind quickly set fire to the world around us. Dex tossed more of those strange not-grenades as we ran, wildly throwing them here and there and everywhere, the sound of blaster fire every few moments becoming swallowed by the FLOOP! of people fusing together.

  And he was laughing. The guy was actually enjoying himself. Like this was all nothing but a game to him. Oh God.

  At some point, we finally found our way inside.

  It looked nothing like I’d been expecting
. Whereas the processing area had been all small rooms and tight corridors, here, in whichever part of the prison compound we’d suddenly found ourselves, was just a big space. About the length of a football field. Filled with more of those crates the hexagonal-shaped not-grenades had come in.

  No spaceships, though.

  ‘Great,’ I said. ‘Now what?’

  Dex looked confused. ‘I don’t… But this isn’t right. This should be it!’

  ‘What are you talking about?!’

  ‘The hangar! This is where the hangar is supposed to be!’ He let out a long sigh. ‘They must have renovated since I was last here, or something…’

  ‘Are you kidding me right now?!’ I looked behind us. The visor-men were picking themselves up—those that could, anyway. They’d be on us in seconds. ‘What the heck do we do?!’

  ‘This way!’ he cried, and he pulled me over towards another door, approximately thirty feet away from where we stood. Another strange marking on it, one that, from the right angle, kind of looked like a combination of an X-wing and a TIE Fighter. Of course it did.

  We reached the door, our footfalls echoing loudly in the cavernous space.

  The door slid up with a loud SHUNK—

  ‘Crap!’

  More visor-men. I got the feeling they weren’t here to see us off.

  They raised their blasters.

  We threw up our hands, even though—let’s face it—we were already way past that point.

  I squinted my eyes shut, wondering if I’d even get to hear the pew! before my brains went shooting across the hangar behind me.

  And that was when a funny thing happened.

  There was a procession of stiff grunts and groans from ahead of us. I threw open my eyes, surprised to discover all the visor-men now lying on the ground, their faces contorted in matching expressions of pain and surprise.

  Dex and I shared a glance.

  ‘Was… was that you?’ I said.

  ‘No—not me.’

  It was then the figure stepped out of the doorway.

  It was some woman. Busty, about six-feet tall, and entirely bald, save for a single lock of silver hair that ran down from her left temple. Her skin (what little of it we could see, anyway) was the pale blue of a Mediterranean sea. Like us, she also wore an orange and green jumpsuit.

  ‘Gentlemen,’ she said. ‘My name is Luna Reyes. I hear you’re looking to acquire yourselves a ship?’

  Dex blinked. ‘Uh, yeah, how did you—’’

  ‘I know where the hangar is,’ she overrode him. ‘I can take you to it—but on one condition. You have to take me with you.’

  ‘We’re good.’

  ‘Dex!’ I cried.

  ‘Forget it, Bif. We’re a duo. As in, two? And besides, look at her—she’s a criminal.’

  ‘SO ARE WE.’

  ‘You know what I mean. And anyway, whoever heard of a detective with two sidekicks? I mean, even just saying it feels gross.’

  ‘ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?!’

  He let out a long sigh. ‘Oh—fine. But if she betrays us and we end up dead or worse, it’s on you.’ He turned to the woman and gave a curt bow. ‘After you, m’ lady.’

  We booked it out of there.

  Five minutes later, and we were standing on a raised catwalk inside the prison hangar, looking down at several dozen ships and vehicles.

  We had sprinted almost the entire way, letting our new companion lead us, having to really shuck our buns in order to keep up with her. Somehow, we’d even managed to avoid bumping into any more of those visor-men—something I would have chalked up to luck, had ours not been so pants-wettingly bad of late. Maybe things were finally turning around for us.

  Slowly, we peered over the railing.

  There were guards everywhere. From the hangar door all the way to the back. All boasting more of those stupid blaster rifles. Clearly, the possibility of us commandeering a ship and escaping had not been lost on them.

  ‘There are too many of them,’ said Luna. She gave a slow shake of her head. ‘No way we’re going to be able to just walk down there.’

  ‘Why don’t you, uh, go take care of them?’ said Dex. ‘You know, like you did those guys earlier? I’m sure if you ran at them really fast you could avoid all the blaster fire.’

  ‘Dex…’ I said.

  ‘What? It’s just a suggestion. I can make suggestions, can’t I?’

  ‘She’s coming with us whether you like it or not. So you might as well stop trying to get her killed.’

  Dex folded his arms, mumbling to himself.

  ‘Okay,’ said Luna, turning back to us. ‘I count thirty, all in all. Probably still doable, but not without taking some heavy fire. And that’s assuming there aren’t any more of them on their way to beef up the numbers—which there probably are. Whatever we’re going to do, we have to decide now. Any suggestions?’

  Dex leaned forward. ‘Well, actually—’

  ‘DEX.’

  He raised his hands. ‘Oh, come on! Look, I’m just saying, martyrdom is a really attractive quality. And besides, we’re friends now, right? She should want to give her life for us.’

  ‘Oh, screw this,’ said Luna.

  Before either of us could inquire as to her meaning, she suddenly stood and threw herself at the railing, blue hands gripping the dark metal a moment before throwing herself headfirst over it.

  Dex and I shot each other a glance.

  Wait, did she really just…?

  Then we were sprinting to the railing, arriving just in time to witness Luna begin to rain down hell on the unfortunate saps standing guard. Throats were punched and crotches were kicked. It was like watching some kind of space kung fu. It was space fu. And it was glorious.

  She finished off the last of the visor-men, picking him off the ground and literally throwing him out of the building.

  ‘Okay—all clear!’ she shouted, turning back to us. ‘You can come down now!’

  We took a moment to share another glance, then quickly made our way down to meet her, the two of us trying desperately to hide our massive erections.

  ‘Okay,’ said Dex. He cleared his throat. ‘Good job. I, uh, told you you could do it. You just needed to believe in yourself.’

  Luna wagged her head back and forth as she began to browse ships. She pointed to one by our right; some corkscrew-looking thing, with a giant fin on its back, even though, really, that couldn’t have been useful. ‘All right, I think this one’ll—hey!’ She let out a cry as Dex turned on the spot, began heading off further into the back of the hangar. ‘Where are you going? There’ll be more of them coming any minute!’

  ‘You guys do what you want. But I’m not leaving without Steve.’

  Luna shot me an inquisitive look.

  ‘His ship,’ I said, with a sigh.

  ‘His ship is called Steve?’

  ‘Please, just—don’t go there.’

  ‘Come on, baby. Please be here,’ mumbled Dex as we power-walked through the rows of ships after him. It was the first time I’d seen him look anything other than irrationally excited.

  ‘Come on, Dex,’ I said, hurrying to keep up with him. ‘There are plenty of ships here. Let’s just take one of those and get off this rock already.’

  ‘No. I told you. Not without Steve.’

  ‘But why is Steve so important? I mean, it’s just a ship.’

  He shot me a look. ‘I’ll pretend I didn’t just hear you say that, Bif.’

  ‘But this is stupid! What if—’

  Just as I said it, a shutter rolled up, and even more of the visor-men appeared. These guys seriously did not want to let us go. They were committed, you had to give them that.

  ‘Uh, Dex…?’

  ‘Over there!’ he cried. I looked to where he was pointing, and sure enough, there was the old rust bucket, all but tossed to the back of the hangar, as if even the visor-men were ashamed to be seen with it. I didn’t blame them.

  Blaster fire onc
e again zapping all above our heads, we booked it for Steve and quickly jumped inside.

  ‘Wait, this is your ship?’ said Luna as we entered, her expression that of a woman having just realized she’d spent the last of her life’s savings backing the wrong horse. Clearly, she was not impressed. ‘But it’s a piece of junk!’

  ‘Hey, feel free to get out and walk any time,’ said Dex. He reached forward and patted the console. ‘Don’t listen to her, Steve. Daddy loves you.’ He turned back to us. ‘You, uh, might want to hold on. Not you, Luna.’

  Steve’s thrusters fired up with a WHOOSH.

  Then, a few moments later, we were in the air, the prison compound growing smaller below us.

  I fell to the grated metal floor, the strength having all but ran out of me.

  I couldn’t believe it. Against every odd, we’d somehow managed to escape what was—if what the guard had told us was true—the most dangerous prison this side of the galaxy. I wondered if there was a god, after all, if he wasn’t super impressed with us right now.

  ‘Holy crap!’ I cried. ‘We did it! We’re free!’

  ‘Yeah, I wouldn’t speak too soon…’ said Luna.

  I threw myself to the window to see what she was looking at.

  I groaned.

  More ships. Closing in fast.

  The visor-men.

  ‘ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!’ I cried. ‘WHAT IS THESE GUYS’ PROBLEM?!’

  ‘Hold on!’ cried Dex.

  There was a sensation in my stomach like right before the first big drop on a rollercoaster as Steve lurched to the right, sending me and Luna slamming into the cockpit’s wall. A moment later and I was pulled roughly the other way as Steve dipped left, my stomach all of a sudden in my mouth. It was like being aboard the Enterprise while under fire—which, thinking about it, kind of made Dex Kirk. Did that make me Spock? No, I had no telepathic powers. I had no skill set whatsoever. I wouldn’t even be Scotty. I’d be one of the red-shirt guys. The ones that always died. Oh sweet baby Jesus in Heaven.

  Through the window ahead, beams of fiery light shot past. More gunfire.

  I gripped onto the back of Dex’s chair, wondering if now would be a good time to get out and walk, if the effects of exposure to the vacuum of space really might not be all that bad, after all.