Dan and Frankie Save the World

by Richard Langridge

  I barely heard him, however, my eyes all but transfixed by the display before me. All those ships. It was hard to fathom such an amount of people could go missing without somebody, somewhere, hearing about it. ‘How come nobody ever heard about this?’ I said. ‘I mean, this many people go missing, somebody’s got to get curious, right?’

  ‘Space is a big place, Bif. People go missing out here all the time. Ain’t nobody going to raise an eyebrow over a couple of missing traders.’

  I thought “couple” was understating it a little, but whatever.

  I peeked my head into one of the larger ships to our left, ducking under the open doorway—

  ‘Hey, what’s this?’

  Dex looked to where it was I was pointing; at some short, truncheon-shaped device, poking out of a bag on the floor by what I assumed to be the entrance to the cockpit.

  He picked it up and turned it over in his hands a moment. ‘Hmm. Subatomic Discombobulator—better take it with you.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘Foreshadowing, Bif; if we make a mention of it now, later on when it comes time to use it, everyone’ll be all like OH SNAP I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT THING. Seriously—it’s how adventuring works.’ He went to say more, but then his eyes caught on something across the space from us, and he frowned. ‘Whoa, wait a minute…’

  ‘What? What is it?’

  Instead of answering, he ran over to a port on the wall opposite us, began immediately pulling at paneling, the old casing coming away with a stiff groan.

  He stood back, a strange expression on his face. ‘I don’t believe it…’

  ‘Would you please just hurry up and tell me already? You’re giving me a panic attack.’

  ‘It’s a filtration system, Bif—do you understand what this means?! We can fix Steve! Ha-ha!’ He threw back his head and wailed laughter. In the close confines of the derelict space ship, in this cavern full of dead things, it sounded almost obscene. ‘See, what did I tell you? Everything always works itself out. You just have to have faith.’

  We stepped back out into the chamber, footfalls echoing loudly in the huge space.

  I glanced at all the many vessels surrounding us, a frown worrying my brow, though for the moment I was unsure as to exactly why. It was something about the way they were all positioned, plonked there together like the collective haul from what appeared to be a lifetime of heists. One time a few years back, a kid at our school—Archie Lambert, his name was—had to go live with his grandparents for the summer after it turned out his mom was an obsessive hoarder. She’d go to auctions, blow the remainder of her dead husband’s will money on figurines and antique drinks cabinets and all sorts of crap. Apparently it had gotten so bad that it was even putting their health at risk—thus the sudden up-sticks to Florida, and what I assumed to be a crap-ton of therapy bills.

  And that’s what the scene before me reminded me of. All those ships and vehicles—they were somebody’s hoard.

  Dex must have been thinking the same thing, because he suddenly shook his head. ‘Well, that settles it. Only one type of creature keeps trophies like this, Bif.’

  ‘Which is?’

  He nodded gravely. ‘The Nay-Nay.’

  For a moment, I thought I must have misheard him. ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘Scavenger-type species, Bif. Think of them like the galaxy’s bottom feeders, willing to steal and eat anything the rest of us won’t. Anything shiny or vaguely interesting, they’re all over it. Legend has it their digestive process takes around a hundred years. This is their handiwork, I’m sure of it.’ He shook his head again. ‘This must be their homeworld, or something.’

  He went to say more, but then—

  An ear-piercing shriek filled the chamber.

  It was the soul-juddering type, the kind of scream that makes the hairs stand up not only along the back of your neck, but everywhere else as well. It echoed along the walls, ricocheting around the chamber like a ball bearing in a tin cup. It was like the very cave itself was screaming.

  We both started at the sound, snapping our gazes to some stretch of tunnel a little further ahead to our right.

  We didn’t need to say what we were both thinking.

  Luna!

  ‘Oh my God, Dex…’ I said, hands flying to my hair instinctively. ‘They’re torturing her!’

  ‘No, not torturing, Bif—tickling. The Nay-Nay like to tenderize their meet before eating it. Helps with the digestion.’ He shook his head. ‘Those sick bastards.’

  ‘What do we do?’

  ‘Well, ordinarily, I’d say “leave her”, but seeing as you seem hell-bent on playing the hero, I’m guessing I’m going to have to get my hands dirty a little. But just know, I’m only doing this for you, Bif. Because we’re partners. And that kind of bond is one that cannot be broken. Also, you’re going to owe me beer.’

  I guessed that would have to do.

  In the southeastern state of Victoria, Australia, there is a species known as the Giant Gippsland Earthworm. As the name suggests, it is different from your normal, everyday earthworm, by the fact it measures on average around a meter long. It spends its time cultivating networks of tunnels under the dirt, listening out for vibrations from the surface to warn of any incoming threat. I saw a documentary on them once; some old British guy was passing them from hand to hand, letting them dangle between his fingers, not grossed out in the slightest. British people, man, seriously; it’s like they’ve never even heard of germs before.

  Right now you’re probably wondering why it is I’m talking to you about earthworms. And that’s fair. I bring this up because it was this earthworm that came to mind as we rounded the last of the tunnel, stepping now into another chamber easily as big as the one we’d just left.

  Now before we go any further, I want to be absolutely clear here and state that the thing we happened upon was absolutely not a worm—and not just because of the fact it was the size of a house (though it was). Nor for the fact it could talk (though it could). However, as I am unable to describe to you the thing we saw using any words native to the English language, if you want to go ahead and think of it as a worm from here on out, please feel free. You have my permission.

  We stepped fully into the chamber and instantly recoiled.

  It was about thirty-feet tall. It’s head all mouth and teeth. A slimy substance covered it in its entirety, all shiny and glistening, but it wasn’t until my eyes settled on a little pool of it on the ground by its ass that I realized it to be the same stuff we’d seen coating the rest of the cave on our way through. So we’d been walking through this thing’s bodily excretions, it seemed. So that wasn’t upsetting at all.

  Below the creature, lying glued to a slab of rock with her arms pinned above her head, was Luna.

  The sight of her sent a jolt of adrenaline shooting through me.

  ‘Luna!’

  ‘WHO DARES DEFY MY SUPPER?’ bellowed the Nay-Nay. You’re probably also wondering how a creature with no lips or visible tongue could manage to form words. That’s a good question—and if you figure it out, be sure to let me know.

  ‘Uh, that would be me,’ said Dex, stepping forward. ‘Name’s Dex Wexler—maybe you’ve heard of me?’

  The Nay-Nay continued to sway in the air like the enormous worm-monster it was. ‘WHAT IS THIS NAME? I DO NOT KNOW THIS NAME.’

  ‘Seriously?’ said Dex. He tilted his head. ‘Galaxy’s greatest detective? I’m, uh, kind of a big deal.’

  ‘WHY ARE YOU HERE?!’

  ‘Right. Straight to business. I can respect that.’ He pointed at Luna, still glued to the rock with more of that luminous goo-stuff. ‘See that girl with the enormous ass over there? Well, that there’s my pet. I call her Luna.’

  ‘No, I’m not,’ said Luna.

  ‘Aaaaand seeing as she’s technically still “mine”,’ Dex went on, ignoring her, ‘I’ll just be going ahead and taking her back now. No harm no foul, as they say…’ He began to creep towards her, but the Nay
-Nay brought its tail down with an earth-shattering crash, causing multiple rivulets of sand to begin to rain down from the ceiling.

  ‘I KNOW NOT OF THIS WORD YOU SPEAK,’ the Nay-Nay bellowed in its booming—if not entirely improbable—voice. ‘BUT IF YOU WANT MY SUPPER, MAN WITH BULGE IN PANTS, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TRADE ME FOR IT. THIS IS THE DEAL.’

  ‘But I don’t have anything…’ said Dex.

  ‘THEN THE GIRL REMAINS.’

  Dex rubbed his chin for a moment. Finally, he sighed. ‘Bif—give him your watch.’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘Your watch, Bif! Don’t argue with me. There’s no time.’

  ‘Why can’t you give him your watch?!’

  ‘Um, how about because you’re the one wanted to rescue her? And because my watch is nicer than yours. Be a team player.’

  I looked down at my watch. It was a Casio I’d had since before my mom died. Not exactly expensive, true—at least not in any way your average person back home would understand. But sometimes an object’s worth isn’t determined by cost, but rather by its value to its owner. In that sense, you could say the watch was priceless—Mickey Mouse ears and all.

  I reluctantly began to unfasten the strap.

  ‘Atta-boy, Bif,’ said Dex. He snatched the watch from me and held it up for the Nay-Nay to see. ‘See this watch here? This watch has come all the way from the planet Earth. That face on the front there? That’s a picture of their king.’

  ‘NO IT ISN’T. THAT IS MICKEY MOUSE. DO NOT LIE TO ME, MAN WITH PERFECT CHIN.’

  ‘Err—right. Well then, you should know that Mickey Mouse is revered as royalty over there. He’s practically a God to them.’

  The Nay-Nay was silent a moment as it thought it over. In the interim, countless eternities spun out. ‘IT REALLY IS A NICE WATCH…’

  ‘Right? That’s what I’m saying. So—do we have a deal, or not?’

  ‘WE HAVE A DEAL. BRING IT TO ME.’

  Dex stepped forward and chucked the watch at the worm-monster, the Nay-Nay catching it effortlessly with its tail.

  We immediately hurried over to Luna, pulling at the goop pinning her arms and legs until we were finally able to haul her loose from the slab.

  She wiped gunge from her pants and frowned. ‘Your pet?’

  ‘Hey, it worked didn’t it?’ said Dex. ‘Besides, it’s kind of true. In a manner of speaking.’ He turned to the enormous sand/worm monster still ogling its new toy. ‘So, uh, I guess we’ll be leaving now. Pleasure doing business with you. Hope we can do it again sometime.’

  He went to turn away, but the Nay-Nay brought down its tail again.

  ‘I’M AFRAID I CANNOT LET YOU LEAVE.’

  Dex blinked. ‘What—but we had a deal.’

  ‘NO. THE DEAL WAS THE GIRL FOR THE WATCH. I SPOKE NOTHING OF LETTING YOU GO. YOU CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THIS PLACE; IF WORD WERE TO GET OUT OF ALL THE SHINY-SHINIES I HAVE STOCKED UP IN THAT CHAMBER BEHIND YOU, PEOPLE WOULD COME FOR IT. THE SHINY-SHINIES MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS.’

  There was sudden movement from behind it as more of the worm-monsters quickly began to flood into the room. Maybe a dozen, all in all, emerging from seemingly every point, some even out of the ceiling. Luminous saliva dripped from pointed teeth.

  ‘Okay,’ said Dex, starting to back up. ‘Guess it’s time for Plan B.’

  ‘Which is?’ I said.

  He reached behind him, fumbling around a moment before pulling out a couple of small blasters. Of course, I say “blasters”; really, they were like toys. All plastic and cheap-looking, like something you might find at the bottom of a cereal box. Where he’d been keeping them, exactly, I still shudder over to this very day.

  He tossed one to me. ‘KILL EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!’

  Umm, what?

  What happened next I still find hard to explain even to this day.

  I stood in frozen terror as for the next thirty seconds I was forced to bear witness to what could only be described as “bloody mayhem”.

  The Nay-Nay bore down on us, mouths opened wide to reveal more of those god-awful teeth as they attempted to take us kicking and screaming into their gullets. At about the same time, Dex opened fire, blaster-fire lighting up the chamber with each shot. I had to admit, for cereal-box guns, they sure packed a punch. Even Luna got in on the action, standing with her back pressed to Dex’s, firing wildly away.

  I continued to stand with my hands over my face, not sure if these were to be my final moments, but figuring either way that ignorance, at least in this instance, was probably the better option.

  When the last of the blaster-fire had finally died off, I pulled my hands away from over my face—

  I gasped.

  The Nay-Nay lay still along the chamber’s rocky floor, each one bearing huge holes the size of manhole covers. A kind of inky fluid ran from each wound, collecting on the floor and coalescing in a pool like an oil spill (Bif: I was thinking we should have an illustration or something here to show us at the moment of victory, maybe with me standing over the Nay-Nay, looking all bad-ass and handsome and whatever. What do you think? Just an idea. Cheers—D.).

  Meanwhile, Dex was dancing on the spot, the toy gun waving wildly in the air over his head. He was covered in black stuff, his face now barely even visible through the ink. ‘Ha! Try and eat us, will you? DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE GALAXY’S GREATEST DETECTIVE?’ He turned to me, eyes alight with excitement. ‘All good, Bif?’

  ‘I think I peed my pants again…’

  ‘That’s the spirit. And while we’re on the subject—I’m proud of you, Bif. The way you pretended to be a coward back there as a means to distract them while Luna and I plugged them full of holes; that showed real forward-thinking.’

  ‘Well, actually, I—’

  ‘And you,’ he said, turning to Luna, who I saw was also covered in more of that inky-fluid. ‘I’ll admit, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of a three-piece in the beginning. But the way you totally murdered those fools back there has really opened my eyes. I’d be honoured to have you on the team.’

  ‘Uh, thanks?’ she said.

  ‘Besides, I’m sure there’s some administrative role or something we can find for you down the line. After all, paperwork’s got to be done, am I right?’

  She opened her mouth to reply—presumably to tell him to go shnork himself—but he was already walking away. ‘Come on, gang—let’s get out of this dump. It’s beginning to smell like dead things down here.’

  7

  In the end, it took a lot longer to fit the filtration system than initially expected.

  Being somewhat of an older model (by an apparent good three decades, if you can believe it), there was a lot of botching and improvisation involved, a lot of muttered curses as Dex fought to shunt the new system into Steve’s below-deck area. Luna and I sat under the wing, sipping beers and getting to know each other as Dex floated in and out of the open doorway, tossing bits of old ship into the sand while muttering the word “balls” over and over. Turns out Luna had wanted to be an actress as a child—or whatever the equivalent was out here in space. Apparently they even had their own version of the Oscars and everything. I wondered if it was rigged, too.

  ‘Hey, so you never told us your story,’ said Luna, nearing the end of what might have been her third can. It was the morning following our little expedition to what I had subsequently come to think of as the “murder cave”—or at least, what I thought was the morning. God, my body clock was messed up.

  Dex, who had been in the process of carrying a piece of equipment that looked suspiciously like a large microwave oven into the ship, shot her a look. ‘Eh—no thanks.’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘This. The whole “touchy feely” thing. You want to swap stories and compare war wounds, maybe give each other a rub-down while you’re at it—be my guest. As for me? Yeah, not my cup of tea. I prefer to keep my backstory a mystery. “Helps with the mystique”.
’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Dex is on his way to the planet Etaria to deliver an urgent mission to the Council.’

  ‘Shut up,’ said Luna. Her eyes were suddenly very wide.

  ‘Okay, first of all,’ said Dex, setting down the instrument. ‘No I’m not. And even if I was, that’s classified—Bif.’

  ‘So what’s the message?’ said Luna.

  ‘Yeaaaah, no.’

  ‘Oh, come on! Besides, I thought you said I was part of the team now?’

  ‘It’s more of a trial process, really.’

  ‘Please? I want to know.’

  I leaned forward. ‘I, uh, would actually also like to know…’

  No doubt realizing he wasn’t going to be able to smart-ass his way out of this one, Dex sighed. He put his hands on his hips. ‘All right. You really want to know? Fine.’ He reached into his pants, fumbling around a moment before pulling out a tattered slip of paper. I wondered what else he had down there. Just how big were those pants, anyway? ‘While on a job out in the Calapnicos Region, I came across information suggesting there was going to be an attempt on Lord Chancellor Zeb’s life.’

  ‘The head of the Council?!’ said Luna. She shook her head. ‘But that’s insane!’

  Dex nodded. ‘That’s right. And as a fellow member of the law, and all-around upstanding gentlemen, it’s my duty to warn him and stop those responsible from succeeding in their plan.’

  Words flowed over me like a passing tide. Lord Chancellor? Council? It was like every time I started to think I was getting a handle on this whole space-deal, some new revelation would emerge, sending me back to square one.

  I looked back and forth between them. ‘I’m sorry—who’re the Council?’

  ‘The Council are those in charge of the CSEA,’ said Luna. ‘That’s the Confederate Space Enforcement Agency. Handle everything from prisoner transfer to executions. Used to be there were multiple agencies that handled all the many different facets of law enforcement. But it’s a cutthroat business. Highly competitive. Lot of in-fighting. After a time, things got, well… tense. Eventually some bright-minded folks came up with the idea of consolidating them all into one giant uber-agency. Thus, the CSEA was born.’ She turned to Dex again. ‘And I’m guessing there’s a reward involved? I mean, we are talking the head of the Council, after all.’