Dan and Frankie Save the World

by Richard Langridge

  ‘That’s right,’ said Dex. ‘We’re very brave.’

  ‘And I suppose you’d be looking for compensation for your efforts, too, am I right?’

  Dex was silent a moment. ‘I mean…’

  He threw up his hands. ‘That’s it. I’ve heard enough.’ He turned to the hulking Enforcer stood beside us. ‘Please escort these gentlemen out of the building at once.’ He started to turn away, but I jumped in front of him.

  ‘It’s true!’ I said.

  The Lord Chancellor tilted his gaze down to me. ‘And who might you be?’

  ‘I’m Bif, sir. I’m from Earth.’

  ‘An Earthling, you say? You’re a far way from home, young man.’

  ‘Look, I know we’re just a couple of jackasses. And I know you have no real reason to believe us. But your life really is in danger. You have to believe us.’

  ‘Young man, I don’t know if this is some kind of prank, or—’

  ‘No—think; would we really risk gatecrashing your party over some stupid joke? There is a conspiracy here, and if you don’t leave immediately YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Now look at my face and tell me I’m joking.’

  The Lord Chancellor continued to eyeball us, those shrewd eyes dancing between us like flies over a couple of hot turds. To this day, I have no idea what was going through his mind. But he must have seen something on our faces, because he straightened. ‘Perhaps it would be better if I—’

  There was a sudden flurry of movement from behind him.

  Before anyone could have a chance to take in what was happening, suddenly there was Ruk, standing just behind the Lord Chancellor, a blaster in one hand, some sort of small, handheld device in the other.

  He pressed the blaster to the Lord Chancellor’s head. ‘I’m afraid he won’t be going anywhere…’

  Another series of loud gasps from around the room. I think somebody even fainted. Rich folks, man. They just have no constitutions.

  The Lord Chancellor looked back over his shoulder. ‘Ruk?! What is the meaning of—’

  ‘Oh, can it, old man. Don’t act so surprised. As if you didn’t see this coming.’

  ‘But why?! I don’t—’

  ‘Why?!’ cried Ruk. ‘You want to know why, Chancellor? Well, I’ll tell you.’ He gestured to the room. ‘Look around you. All this. This charade, all you self-righteous assholes sitting there in your fancy clothes while the rest of us starve and die out on the streets. Those who aren’t strong end up in the Gutter, or as somebody else’s pet, forced to bend to their will. The price of living on Etaria keeps going up, and yet the average wage stays the same, all the while folks starve and die—do you want to know how many years it’s been since I last saw a pay rise, Lord Chancellor? Since ANY of us did?’

  ‘Wait, so that’s what this is all about?’ said Dex. He scoffed. ‘Man, I thought your motivations were WAY deeper than that.’

  ‘Shut it, Dex.’

  ‘I’m serious—a pay rise?’ He shook his head. ‘That’s got to be about the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. And besides, we all know that’s not the real reason you’re doing this.’

  A moment’s hesitation from Ruk. He shuffled his feet. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Oh, don’t play coy. You’re just pissed because the universe gave you a tiny penis. And that’s totally fine. Not everyone can be born with a penis the sheer length and girth as mine. But this is not how you deal with it. You buy a bigger ship, like everybody else.’

  ‘HOW IS EVERY CONVERSATION ABOUT YOUR PENIS?!’ I almost screamed.

  ‘Give it up, Ruk,’ Dex continued. ‘It’s over. There’s nowhere to go.’

  Ruk stared back and forth between us. He was weeping openly now, the tears flowing down his cheeks like somebody had just turned on a faucet. ‘You don’t know what it’s like, Dex…’

  ‘I know,’ agreed Dex. ‘My penis is enormous.’

  ‘But you will. Oh, you will.’ He nodded to several of the Enforcers stood around him, who each quickly went and sealed the doors, trapping us all inside. ‘Do you know what this is?’ he said, holding up the device. When nobody made a move to answer, he nodded. ‘Well, I’ll tell you. It’s a bomb. Under that chair behind you is an explosive so powerful it will sink this entire building into the ground. And then everything will revert back to zero. The playing field will be levelled. No longer will the rich prevail and the poor be forced to get by on scraps and other people’s hand-me-downs. Finally, we will—’

  Dex laughed.

  It was the real deep type of laughter, the kind of belly laugh where it feels as though every part of you has suddenly lost all control. He wheezed and spluttered and howled at the chamber’s open ceiling.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ said Ruk.

  ‘Oh, nothing, nothing,’ said Dex. He wiped tears from his cheeks. ‘Please, continue.’

  ‘No—what? Tell me.’

  ‘It’s just that—’ He paused a moment as another bout of laughter took him, almost bowling him over. He waved a hand in the air. ‘It’s just so ridiculous, you know? So you want to blow up the Lord Chancellor and the rest of the Council—then what? Do you really think it’ll be all smiles and rainbows? Have you forgotten who enforces the laws around here? It’d be chaos. It wouldn’t be paradise; it would be a free for all. I mean you’re CSEA, for crying out loud. How is this not obvious?’ He shook his head again. ‘You really haven’t thought this plan through, have you?’

  ‘Shut up! I don’t need to take advice from you—guy-who-pees-his-pants-when-he’s-frightened!’

  ‘Okay, first of all, that was one time—’

  ‘Besides, we’re not going to just “leave it all up to chance”. My brethren and I will take over, following which a new reign will begin, and then we’ll all—’

  Dex snorted.

  ‘STOP LAUGHING, GODDAMNIT.’

  Finally, Dex straightened. He took a steadying breath. ‘Well. Looks like you’ve got it all figured out, Ruk. But I’m afraid there’s one thing you didn’t count on—’ He pulled himself free from the behemoth Enforcer’s grasp and shot his gaze up to the open ceiling. ‘Henry, now!’

  He waited.

  He waited some more.

  After a moment and nothing, he put his hands on his hips. ‘Yep. Any moment now. Just wait. You guys are screwed. Suck my balls, Ruk. Suck all of my balls.’

  We continued to wait, the room so silent you could have heard a pin drop, until only a short moment later the door to the rear of the chamber opened, and another couple of the Enforcer dudes entered.

  They were not alone.

  ‘HENRY?!’ said Dex.

  They marched him over to us, the rifle-style thing he’d been planning on using to take out Ruk and his buddies now slung over the shoulder of one of the Enforcers instead.

  Dex let his hands fall to his sides. ‘What the hell, man?’

  ‘Sorry, Dex,’ said Henry. He gave a small shrug. ‘Guess I’m not as spry as I used to be.’

  ‘BUT YOU HAD ONE JOB.’

  Meanwhile, Ruk stared back and forth between them, a look on his face like he thought this was about the most hilarious thing in the world. ‘Well. Now that it would appear you and your little friends are out of the picture, I think it’s time we got this show on the road—that is, unless you’ve got any other surprises for us?’

  ‘Just one,’ said a familiar woman’s voice.

  We all spun around, turning just in time to witness Luna lift her blaster—

  There was a zap. A flash of blinding light.

  And then, as if by magic, suddenly there was Ruk’s hand, lying on the fancy stone floor, the device still clutched tightly in its soon-to-be-cold fingers.

  There was a moment where nobody moved, each of us too stunned to so much as breathe.

  Ruk tilted his gaze toward the stump of what had until only very recently been his right hand. He looked down at the floor where his hand now lay, back to the stump, as if unable to believe what he was seeing. Probably he was i
n shock—which, if I’m honest, I wasn’t surprised. Getting a limb blown off will do that to you.

  He shot his gaze at the Enforcers stood next to him. ‘GET THEM!’

  We all dived for cover as Ruk and his men promptly opened fire, throwing ourselves behind a table just as a barrage of blaster fire tore wildly through the air above us.

  ‘Holy shit, did you guys just see that?’ said Dex. His eyes were very wide. ‘Luna just blew that guy’s shit off. I mean was that gross, or what?’

  I risked a look around the table. I could just see Ruk’s hand, lying there in the chamber’s center, the device still poking out of it.

  I turned back. ‘We have to go get that device. If Ruk or his cronies get to it before we do, this whole place will blow.’

  ‘Great plan, Bif,’ said Dex. ‘Do you want to run into the hail of blaster fire first, or should I?’

  ‘WELL I DON’T HEAR YOU COMING UP WITH ANYTHING.’

  He rubbed his perfect chin a moment. ‘All right, here’s what we’re going to do. On three, Bif and I are going to go get that device. Henry and Luna—you guys cover us. Everybody clear?’

  They both nodded.

  ‘Great.’ He made to get up, then turned back. ‘But before we get going, I should probably warn you there’s a high chance Bif is going to pee his pants at some point. And when that happens, I want you all to not mention it. I’m serious. This is his first adventure, and I want it to be special.’

  ‘ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?!’ I cried.

  ‘Right. Let’s go!’

  ‘What about me?’ said the Lord Chancellor. He was lying on the ground, his legs pulled tightly up towards his chest. You wouldn’t have thought somebody so big would be capable of making themselves so small, but there you go. ‘What should I do?’

  ‘Do you know how to use one of these?’ said Dex, pulling out another of those tiny cereal box guns. Seriously, where he was keeping those things, I’ll never know.

  ‘Well, no, but I—’

  ‘Then just stay there. This will all be over in a moment, I promise. Then you can go ahead and buy us all the beer you want. But until then, you’re just going to have to be patient.’ He turned back to me. ‘Ready to go Shnork these guys’ shizz up, Bif?’

  ‘Umm…’

  He nodded. ‘Good enough.’ He reached down to his wrist, did the little finger-thing again, the skin-flap once more flipping up, revealing a little panel covered in what looked to be tiny LEDs. He hit one of the lights, and then before I knew it the opening verse to “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin began to play. So there was a speaker in there, too, apparently. And just when I was beginning to think thing’s couldn’t possibly get any more stupid.

  With “Take My Breath Away” as our background music, we thus began our desperate race towards the chamber’s center. Blaster fire flashed wildly past as we ran, some so close I could even feel the heat from them singing my skin and hair. I flinched as bits of wall and columns exploded all around us, causing fine bits of stone and God knows what else to rain down on us like shrapnel, all while “Take My Breath Away” loudly molested the air around us. It was then, and still remains, about one of the most ridiculous moments of my entire life. How we never got shot, I still wonder about to this very day.

  At about the same time, I noticed movement from across the chamber ahead of us, and looking up saw Ruk leaving cover, no doubt looking to make a dash for the device also. Or maybe he just really missed his hand, and decided he wanted it back, who knows?

  Either way, the three of us made it there at the exact same time, Dex and Ruk taking a half of the device each as they began to frantically fight for possession. A good thirty seconds of wrestling and insult-throwing followed as the two of them tried to snatch it out of each other’s hands (or, as in Ruk’s case, I guess, “hand”), a series of events that can be easily summarized as such:

  ‘GIVE IT TO ME, DEX!’

  ‘SHNORK YOU! YOU MADE MY LIFE HELL!’

  ‘I SAID GIVE IT TO ME!’

  ‘I’M GLAD LUNA SHOT YOUR HAND OFF!’

  And so on, and so forth.

  Even in our current perilous predicament, I took a moment to feel embarrassed for us all.

  With a final cry, Ruk tore the device free from Dex’s grip. He held it up in the air in triumph. ‘HA-HA! SUCK IT, DEX! GUESS I WIN—!’

  Dex shot off his other hand.

  It dropped to the floor between where they stood, rolling over twice before coming to a rest face-up, the device still clutched tightly in its pale, twitching fingers.

  Ruk stared down at it, back to Dex. ‘SERIOUSLY?!’

  ‘Well,’ said Dex, brushing his hands together. ‘Looks like it’s game over, Ruk. Now call off your buddies. There’s nothing left to do.’

  Ruk brought his boot down on the device with a crunch.

  There was a garbled bleep and bloop, before a series of characters began to flash across the device’s screen—what I took to be numbers. Almost like it was, what, counting down?

  Meanwhile, Dex’s face went slack. He tilted his gaze back to Ruk’s. ‘Okay, what did you just do…’

  ‘HA! LOOKS LIKE I WIN AFTER ALL, PANTS-PISSER! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!’

  ‘What do we do?!’ I said, turning to Dex. While I admittedly didn’t speak whatever language those numbers were written in, they didn’t look good.

  ‘Quick! To the chair!’

  We bounded for it at once, ducking and diving as blaster fire continued to zap over our heads. We dodged fleeing bodies, hurdled corpses—both of the Enforcer variety and otherwise—all absolutely riddled with holes.

  We finally made it to the platform upon which the chair resided and froze. It was too high up to reach by hand. I swore it hadn’t looked that high from across the room.

  ‘Can you bunk me up there?’ I said.

  Dex shook his head. ‘Uh-uh. No way. As much as I might joke about it, Bif, you exploding right now would be seriously counterproductive to our efforts.’ He thought it over. ‘Plus I’d probably get all covered in stuff, sooo yeah. I’ll go.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid. You can’t reach. And I can’t carry your weight. There’s no other way.’

  ‘DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY I’M SORRY, BIF? FINE—I’M SORRY I LIED TO YOU. THERE. NOW CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF ALREADY? BECAUSE IT’S SERIOUSLY BUMMING ME OUT.’

  ‘This isn’t about that, Dex.’

  ‘THEN WHAT IS IT ABOUT?’ He flinched as a table exploded somewhere nearby. ‘I MEAN—I mean, what is it about?’

  ‘Look, I’m not ecstatic about it either, okay? But it’s the only way. If we don’t stop this bomb, thousands of creatures are going to die. This is bigger than us.’ I stared him hard in the face. ‘Now are you going to give me a bunk up, or do I need to go get Luna?’

  He returned my gaze a moment, no doubt still thinking it over. Then he was hunkering down, getting himself into position while mumbling something that—while I couldn’t hear exactly what was said—I’m pretty sure were curse words. ‘Just don’t die, okay? I don’t want to speak too soon, but I think Luna’s really fond of you. She’d be heartbroken.’

  ‘Sure, Dex.’

  ‘And take off your shoes. What am I, a doormat?’

  Blaster fire continuing to zap all around us, he lifted me up to the platform. I scrambled onto the hard stone and immediately ducked my head underneath the Lord Chancellor’s chair.

  I had never seen a bomb that close up before. Being a child of the digital revolution, I’d been lucky enough in my time to have access to an almost unlimited number of movies. And yet, in not one of them did I recall a bomb ever looking like this.

  Flat. Squishy. Lightly transparent, like compacted jelly. Through its greenish tint I could see some sort of strange wire configuration, said configuration leading to a little box-shaped contraption, not unlike the remote had been. On the contraption were more of those flashing numbers. Again, while I may not have spoken whatever language those numbers
were programmed in, something about the way they were rapidly flashing like that told me they couldn’t be good.

  ‘Well?’ called Dex from somewhere below me. ‘What do you see?’

  ‘It’s, uh, jelly.’

  ‘Jelly?’ he frowned. ‘What the hell’s that?’

  ‘You know Knight Rider, but you don’t know jelly?’

  ‘BIF.’

  ‘Okay, okay; it’s like… wobbly and see-through. And, I think, slightly green—no, or maybe yellow? I’m not sure.’

  ‘Can you see any wires?’

  ‘Yeah, but they’re in the jelly. I can’t get to them.’

  ‘Because the jelly’s haunted?’

  ‘What? No, why would the—’

  ‘THEN FORGET THE JELLY AND CUT THE GODDAMN WIRES ALREADY.’

  I ducked back under the chair again, fingers already reaching for the wiring—

  I snatched my hand away quick. ‘Ow!’

  ‘What?’ shouted Dex. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I… I think the jelly just bit me…’

  ‘Huh. Maybe it is haunted, after all.’ He frowned. ‘Okay, new plan. Just stay there. I’m going to go grab a table or something, see if I can’t—’

  He went to say more, but then one of the Enforcer dudes was rushing at him.

  He let out a cry as he was catapulted across the room, his head connecting with a table leg in the process.

  He raised a hand to his bloodied brow. ‘Okay, ow…’

  I looked back to where he had just been standing—

  The Enforcer dude. The one who had tackled him earlier. The big one. He was striding over towards where Dex lay, big powerful arms swinging, a look of flat murder on his face.

  ‘Dex—look out!’ I cried.

  But it was already too late.

  As easily as a man plucking a daisy from the ground, the hulking monstrosity scooped Dex up by his flock of seagulls haircut, began to shake him furiously back and forth. Dex brought the cereal box gun around in response—maybe in an attempt to pop a couple laser-caps in the beefcake’s enormous behind—but the creature saw it coming and easily swatted it away.