Toxic

by Rachel Van Dyken

  Saylor

  I took the stairs two at a time, fighting tears the entire way. I didn’t want Lisa to see me this way. And I sure as heck didn’t want to cry actual tears over an asshole like Gabe.

  Sure. I knew I wasn’t supermodel caliber, but did he have to say it that way? Did he have to be so harsh? Hot embarrassment washed over me all over again. His face — it was complete and utter revulsion. Like I smelled and carried some sort of incurable disease.

  My chest hurt.

  I hated that feeling. I’d spent way too long with that feeling when I was young. When Eric cried all the time, it made me cry because I was helpless. I couldn’t help him. He was lost in his own mind, unable to differentiate between someone wanting to help and someone hurting him. At the time, we hadn’t known it, but he’d been suffering with a sensory processing disorder on top of everything else.

  It had been a while since I’d cried.

  My tears even tasted bitter. Did it matter what Gabe thought of me? So he thought I was ugly. So he hated me. It meant nothing, right?

  Except for some reason he was stalking me.

  Well, not really stalking, but when I’d left the Home earlier that day I was told that Gabe had free reign over the entire property, and that if I had a problem I should just ask Gabe.

  As if it was the easiest dang thing in the universe.

  Just asking Gabe was akin to walking into the It’s A Small World ride, and then not having the song stuck in your head for the next twelve hours.

  Freaking impossible.

  By the time I reached Lisa’s floor, my tears had dried up. I could do this. I had a few weeks until school was over. All I had to do was pass this one class. What was the worst that could happen? So Gabe hated me. So he was a volunteer at the same place I depended on for that passing grade and my scholarships.

  It was fine.

  It would be totally, absolutely fine.

  Chapter Nineteen

  There was a sickness in my soul — it was starting to take hold. It seeped into every part of my existence. The name of my sickness? Well that’s the fun part. I had three. Gabe, Ashton, and Parker. And they say people with multiple personalities have problems. I’d do anything to kill off all of mine — the only problem? That left me with nothing. And she wouldn’t have wanted that. No, that desire was all mine. All. Mine. —Gabe H.

  Gabe

  A week had gone by without any contact with my father. I’d changed my phone number again just in case and called all my credit card companies to make sure he hadn’t somehow used old power of attorney paperwork to get on anything that wasn’t legally his.

  I was safe.

  Another fire was put out — for now. Hell, it was put out as long as he didn’t find me — as long as he didn’t connect the dots. Which he would. One day. One day the dots would maybe connect themselves. Shit, I was losing it.

  Now all I had to deal with was Saylor working at the group home.

  I’d already decided it would be pointless for me to stay behind on the days she worked at the home. If anything, it stressed me out more because she was that close to exposing everything about me. One slip and a quick search on the Internet and I was done.

  Four years of hiding. Gone.

  With a sigh of resignation, I walked up to the building and found Martha. “Hey, thanks for meeting with me.”

  “Sure.” She smiled warmly. “You want some coffee, kid? You’re not looking so good.”

  “Aw…” I pressed my hand to my heart and smiled. “You wound me. How do you think that makes me feel?”

  “You’ll survive,” she said dryly, eyebrows arching as she set her own white foam cup down on the table and leaned forward. “So, what’s going on, boss?”

  “Ha!” I rolled my eyes. “Good one.”

  “If the shoe fits.”

  I cleared my throat and changed the subject. “I want to up the security on the place.”

  “I see.” She tapped her nails against the counter. “Is there a reason?”

  “Do you need one?” I snapped.

  Her face fell. “Gabe, what’s going on, honey?”

  I stood abruptly. “Nothing to worry about.”

  “If you’re sure…”

  “I am,” I said smoothly. “Just call the security company. I’m sure they can add two men to the front entrance. Make sure everything goes on lockdown during all hours, so we don’t have anyone coming on or out who isn’t approved. Oh, and I’m going to start helping with the volunteer program.”

  Martha coughed. “Are you firing me?”

  “Not at all.” I sighed in relief. “I need you, Martha, you know that. I just, I don’t trust that Saylor girl. I mean, we don’t really know much about her and she’s too close to—”

  “—Princess.”

  “Yeah,” I croaked.

  “Well…” Martha stood. “As I said, you’re the boss so what you say goes. But Gabe…

  I looked up into Martha’s blue-grey eyes. I’d known her for a long time. She’d never asked anything of me, not when I made crazy changes or asked for things that sounded impossibly stupid. “Yeah?”

  “You know I’m always here if you want to talk.”

  Ha, if only she knew how many offers I had on that front. Talking was not what I needed.

  “Thanks.” I licked my lips. “I’ll remember.”

  With a sad nod, she walked out of the room.

  Sighing, I ran my fingers through my hair and looked at the clock on the wall. It was ten till. Saylor would be arriving any minute.

  I could do this. I had to.

  Closing my eyes, I reminded myself why I was choosing to put myself in her life — when really I wanted to run in the other direction, because Wes had been totally right.

  I was attracted to her… and that was a feeling I hadn’t had in a really long time. The last time I’d acted on my feelings, things had gone horribly wrong.

  Besides. It would never happen.

  Because I still had Princess.

  And that was the problem. I hated that I wanted something I couldn’t have, and Saylor? I wanted her, very, very much.

  Chapter Twenty

  Watching someone you love go through difficult times is like being trapped in your own body but paralyzed. You want to yell at them, scream, help them, but your body won’t move, and you know that no matter how hard you try, in the end, the path is theirs to choose. You can’t choose for them. What a terrifying concept, especially considering we hardly see every option when we’re stuck in our own self-defeat. Sometimes, I just want to yell, “Look up!” But it always seems the time I say that, is the time Gabe closes his eyes. —Wes M.

  Saylor

  I forced a smile as I greeted the security guards at the door and made my way to the sign-in desk.

  Martha eyed me briefly before asking for my cell phone and sending me on my way.

  I was planning on showing everyone a musical for my instruction today to get them excited about learning a few new songs, so at least I wouldn’t have to stand in front of everyone and talk, not that I minded it. It was just kind of stressful, and ever since Gabe’s outburst about me being ugly — well, let’s just say I was feeling a bit self conscious.

  I’d even thrown away that stupid sweatshirt.

  At least I didn’t look homeless anymore.

  I pulled open the metal doors to the game room.

  And almost turned and ran.

  Gabe was fidgeting with the TV/DVD player, while a few of the residents sat around and waited.

  My palms started sweating as I took a few cautious steps toward them. Okay, don’t freak out, he’s probably just helping set up the movie for me.

  When I reached the front of the room, I forced myself to give him a friendly smile as I tapped on his shoulder.

  “What?” He didn’t turn around.

  And politeness just ran out the window.

  “What are you doing?” I snapped.

  “Oh!” Gabe jerked h
is hands away from the DVD player and stood to his full height making me feel the need to back away. “Just setting up the movie for you.”

  My shoulders slumped in relief.

  “Oh and also, I’m in charge of the program now, so we’re going to partner up on the days you’re here.”

  I swayed on my feet a bit. “You’re kidding right?”

  “Afraid not.” His eyes narrowed. “You have a problem with that?”

  “Am I doing a bad job?” My chest heaved. “Is that what this is about? Or do you just hate me that much?”

  Gabe tilted his head to the side and crossed his arms. “If I hated you, I’d just fire you.”

  I sucked in a breath full of air in order to keep myself from yelling. I knew he couldn’t technically fire me, but he could make my life hell and also tell my professor I was doing a crappy job, dropping my grade.

  “We done?”

  Words still wouldn’t come.

  “Good.” He turned back around and flipped on the TV. I was still standing there in shock when the main menu for the DVD popped up onto the screen.

  Gabe clapped his hands four times.

  Those who could clap followed loudly after him.

  “Listen up.” His smile returned. “Saylor’s going to show us a movie today so we can learn all about musicals.”

  A chorus of cheers went around the room at his announcement.

  “Saylor?” His smile faded a bit when his eyes met mine. “Do you want to explain what they’ll be watching?”

  “Sure.” My voice was hoarse with emotion. Why was I letting him make me feel that bad about myself? I tugged at my plain white t-shirt and forced myself to keep the tears in.

  I’d never had anyone hate me so much.

  Or humiliate me so many times.

  And then charm the pants off of every single breathing thing on the planet, including small animals and children, right in front of me as if to show me that I really was that much of an outcast to him. An undesirable.

  “So, today, we’re going to watch…” My voice wavered as my mind went completely blank. All of the residents’ faces were eager as they looked up at me, but I couldn’t find my words. My throat was so thick with tears it physically hurt. I placed my hand over my chest and told myself to breathe — to focus on inhaling and exhaling, I was just making myself anxious.

  Instead, my lower lip started to tremble. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked around the room and said, “Excuse me, I’m sorry.”

  I ran out of there and into the closest bathroom and slammed the door behind me falling into a fit of sobs over the porcelain sink.

  The door clicked open.

  Crap. I’d forgotten to lock it. I whirled around and came face to face with the cause of my breakdown.

  Gabe.

  Tears blurred my vision as I backed up against the counter. I could only discern the outline of his face, nothing more. I promised myself I’d never be one of those girls that let a guy have that type of power over me. He couldn’t see my tears — I didn’t even want to see my tears. I didn’t want to feel them. I wanted them gone, and it was his fault that I was even feeling this way!

  “Are you okay?” he asked in a gentle voice.

  “Do I look okay?” I snapped, wiping my eyes. “Just leave me alone. Please. It’s embarrassing enough.”

  “Embarrassing?” He sounded absolutely clueless.

  “Yes! Embarrassing, okay! Just being next to you is embarrassing. I’m so damn worried about doing something wrong that I can’t even breathe, let alone teach a class! Whatever I did, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I was spying on you but the music was…” I choked. “Beautiful. It was beautiful, and I’m sorry for opening the window. I didn’t know! I just wanted her to smile more and—”

  With shaking hands I covered my face and tried to level my breathing.

  “Freaking hell,” he said under his breath. “Are those tears because of me?”

  Was he that dense? Seriously?

  I didn’t have the strength to lie — but saying yes just deepened the embarrassment.

  “Saylor, I—” He cursed.

  And then Gabe did something incredible.

  He pulled me into his arms and hugged me.

  And I cried into his chest.

  I cried in the arms of my tormentor.

  I cried like he was my savior.

  When he was the cause of it all.

  After a few minutes, he released me, and used his thumbs to wipe the tears from underneath my eyes. “Take your time, I started the movie.”

  No apology.

  No words of encouragement.

  He just… left.

  Leaving me more confused than before — but less broken.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Did I mention I hate tears? Hold heart, insert arrow… blood, blood, lots of freaking blood. —Gabe H.

  Gabe

  And the asshole of the year award goes to… ding ding ding! We have a winner.

  I was caught between wanting to comfort her and wanting to tell her to suck in her damn tears. There were bigger things in the world going on than her own insecurities.

  But a part of me — you know the human part of my heart that was still beating, though just barely — clenched at the thought that I’d made her cry over my rash actions and words.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t feel bad or that I didn’t want to apologize.

  But I was so sick of lying that the only option would be to tell her the truth, and telling her the truth — although it would take a hell of a lot off my chest — would just make things worse.

  So I hugged her.

  Only that had been an even worse idea, because my entire body had jolted at our touch.

  The girl was gorgeous. Her honey brown hair had actually smelled like honey, and her bright blue eyes were even prettier when she was crying.

  Hell.

  I groaned into my hands.

  “Gabe?” Princess tried whispering, but her whisper was like a freaking yell. “What’s wrong?” They’d started her breathing treatments, so she had one of those oxygen things in her nose, so she could still talk, or in her case, yell like a lunatic.

  With a heavy sigh, I lowered my hands and met her gaze. “Nothing, just… tired.”

  “Me too.” She sighed. “I’m always tired.”

  “Really?” I went on full alert, using my eyes to examine her face or body for any hint of that her condition had worsened. She was still pale, she was still coughing, but the oxygen seemed to be helping. “Are you feeling okay, Princess?”

  “Look!” Her eyes rolled away from me to the screen. “They’re singing again!”

  “Yeah.” I continued holding her hand.

  The metal doors behind me clicked shut, and just like that I knew Saylor was back in the room. I could smell her now. Her scent was on me, I knew it like the back of my hand.

  I was in so much trouble.

  A whiff of honey-filled air hit me as she took a seat beside me and folded her arms across her chest.

  We sat that way.

  In complete silence, while the movie played.

  When it ended, she stood, walked to the front of the room and started talking like she hadn’t just had a emotional breakdown. The good news? None of the residents would care. Half wouldn’t even remember — hell, half forgot their own names, so she was safe.

  “The three songs we’re going to be learning from The Music Man are, Shipoopi—”

  Next to me, Princess fell into a fit of giggles. I smiled at her obvious interest in the name of the song, and looked back to the front of the room.

  Saylor’s eyes met mine.

  But she didn’t shy away.

  She stared right freaking through me.

  My heart started hammering against my chest. I refused to look away; instead, I kept my smile in place and directed it at her.

  Because she deserved more.

  She was here for the same reason I was… to make Princess laug
h, to bring about joy in a world full of hate and darkness.

  And for that reason — I owed her my respect, even if it meant I had to be careful as hell around her.

  Saylor’s gaze finally fell away from mine as she named the next two songs and then dismissed everyone.

  “Parker!” Princess shouted. Funny because she hadn’t full named me in a really long time. Usually it was just Park or that funny guy with the guitar.

  “Hmm?” My knees cracked as I leaned down to eye level.

  “Parker?” Saylor’s voice said behind me. “But I thought your name was Gabe—”

  “No!” Princess started thrashing. “I hate that name! That’s a stranger’s name. His name’s Parker! P-parker!” Tears fell down her face as her mouth dropped open. A shriek fell between her lips as she continued thrashing.

  Muttering a curse, I ran to grab the guitar and quickly sat down next to her and started playing.

  Once I strummed the first few chords of our song, Princess stopped yelling and closed her eyes.

  “Beautiful girl,” I sang, “My girl, beautiful girl. Don’t let me be lonely without you in my world.”

  I strummed the last few chords.

  Complete silence greeted me.

  The residents were used to her outbursts and had the songs memorized just as well as I did, but it was my voice that did it. We even tried a recording once — didn’t work.

  “That makes me happy.” Princess giggled. “Park, remember when we danced?”

  “Yeah.” Visions of her dancing in front of me on two legs that worked flooded my mind until I wanted to bang my head against the wall. “You were always so much better than me.”

  “Hmm.” She sighed.

  The doors to the room opened and Martha strolled in.

  “Hey, Princess, why don’t you and Martha go grab a snack while I talk to Saylor for a bit.”

  “Okay!” Princess yelled. “And Saylor, his name’s Parker, not Gabe.”

  “Got it,” Saylor said quickly. “Thanks for your help, Princess.”