Just Breathe (Blue #1)

by Chelle C. Craze

  “Thank you, Lucas. I can tell you really are terrified of mice. I’m not too fond of them either, but as enticing as your offer sounds, I think I need to deal with our mouse issue.” I wrap one towel around my body and one around my hair. As soon as I close my mouth, something makes a loud thud, and I hear Dar shriek when something ricochets off the bathroom door.

  “Take that, Splinter!” she chirps triumphantly. Here Lucas and I are hiding in the bathroom because of the mouse, the same one that Dar seems to be battling.

  Tap, tap, tap. “Cass, we had a freaking mouse in here, but I took care of him. The little bastard was sitting on the couch staring at me when I opened the door!” Her voice calls from the other side of the door before she opens it to talk to me. This is going to look great after what she saw this morning. Just great.

  “Err, um, Lucas? What are you doing in here? Where is Cass?” I poke my head from behind the shower curtain and look at her face that is filling with questions. “I swear, you two are so strange.” After she closes her mouth, she turns and leaves us. Lucas follows her, saying something I don’t quite catch. I can hear their muffled voices outside the door as they walk away.

  Finally, I can step out of the shower. I pick up my necklace and place it around my neck, hiding the scar just above my left clavicle that his ring left when he strangled me. It has faded over the years, but I can still make out the thin line. I look down at my bilateral tattoos on my ankles as I read them. “Paura Niente” encircles the left, and “Fiducia Nessuno” is on the right.

  I shake my head, trying to make the memories of him go away. It doesn’t work, nor has it ever, but such is life. I accepted long ago after many useless therapy sessions that I will continue to be haunted by the monster my mother dated. I want to be able to just take medicine like Dar does; her meds keep her chipper most of the time. I did try medication for a while, but I felt like a zombie, and my hair fell out, so I quit taking them.

  Quietly I pad out of the bathroom and down the hall to my room, shutting the door behind me. I pull a pair of black panties out of the drawer and slide them on. I walk over to my vanity, find the matching bra and hook it around my back. Considering Lucas hasn’t told me why he is here, I choose something safe to wear from my closet, a pair of light blue capris and a low-cut champagne colored tank top.

  I dry and straighten my hair as quickly as possible. The anticipation of figuring out why he’s here is overwhelming me. I apply a small amount of makeup and glide on my black flats. I am not really feminine, but I do appreciate my cosmetics. In fact, I actually feel somewhat naked without it on. I guess I can chalk that up to low self-esteem. I sigh because usually the only time I wear anything dressy is when Dar makes me.

  I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be for the day. Before I walk into the living room, I notice things have gotten eerily quiet. My eyes dart from one side of the room to the other. Where in the world are they? I listen intently for any sound, anything that would let me know I’m not alone. There is nothing. I am alone. They didn’t tell me they were going out. Dar and Lucas are gone.

  If this is one of Dar’s tasteless jokes to get back at me, I’m going to hurt her. She always tells me where she is going. What if something has happened to her? Cass, you are twenty-four. Think! I call Dar and leave a message, asking her to call me back as soon as she can. Maybe she has her cell on silent. I’ll text her.

  Me: Dar, I don’t know where you are. Are you okay? Please call me.

  I wait for what appears to be an eternity and still no reply. Wait. I saved Lucas’ number. I’ll call him. He doesn’t answer either. I don’t think I overreacted to him bursting into the bathroom, but maybe I did. Figures. I was beginning to let down my guard and trust him, and he leaves…just like Mom.

  My hands fly to my face and cover my eyes as I walk backward until my back is against the living room wall, and I slowly drift to the floor. Accepting defeat, I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. My breathing becomes uneven, and I think I might have swallowed every ounce of hope that had kindled in my soul.

  Although I wish I didn’t, I tend to act this way when people I care about just disappear without a reason. After Mom vanished, I started behaving this way, even though I’ve tried hard to let it go. Yet another reason why I push people away, even if I care for them. No one stays; eventually, everyone leaves after getting what they want. I begin to count. “One, two, skip a few, ninety-nine…” A faint noise comes from the far side of the room, and the door swings open.

  Lucas glances at me with concern filling his face, and he moves quickly to my side. “Hey, it’s okay, all right? I don’t know what’s wrong, but it’s okay. Dartanya decided to go shopping, and I just went for a walk to give you your privacy. What happened?” He sits on the floor beside me and pulls me onto his lap. His bulky arms enclose around me like he is protecting me from the world. I lay my head against his chest and focus to control my breathing. I inhale, and his cologne swirls around me, leveling out the remaining anxiety. “Cassandra, will you please say something? Anything? Is there another mouse in here?” His eyes widen, and his body tenses, tightening his hold around my shoulders in fear.

  This is all it takes to send me over the edge. I start laughing hysterically. “No, Satan hasn’t returned to our apartment. I…well...” It would probably be easier to explain if that was the case. Instead, I have to explain the real reason. I’m coming down from a panic attack. I wipe my mouth as if there is something on it, stalling the embarrassment that will come.

  “You, well…what?” he prods, looking into my eyes as he speaks. I focus my attention on the floor. I don’t want to see his reaction to the news that I jump to conclusions and freak out.

  “I didn’t know where you guys went, and it isn’t like Dar to leave without telling me. I was afraid something horrible had happened.” I’ve been trying to protect her for years, but at times, she makes it hard. Shortly after we met, we made a pact never to let anyone hurt us ever again, and we would always know where the other is. When she didn’t tell me where she had gone, naturally, I thought the worst of scenarios—that she was hurt.

  He lightly peppers a kiss on my forehead. “Dartanya told me to tell you where she went, and I didn’t think you would notice we had left. For that, I’m sorry. Forgive me?” He places his fingers under my chin and tips my face up to look at him.

  “I think I might need a little convincing.” I barely recognize my own voice as the words flow outward. It makes me want to look around and see who is in the room. If it’s true that every person has a theoretical devil and an angel perched on their shoulders persuading them to make decisions, it’s safe to assume my angel is on vacation, and the subconscious devil is open for business.

  “Oh, really now? I think I might be the man for the job,” he confidently suggests in a smooth voice and releases my chin. He grazes my cheek, the trail of his fingers leaving behind a line of heat while then cupping my face, making me look at him again. His eyes slightly squint, and his mouth turns up into a mischievous smirk. He removes his hand swiftly from my face, and then his mouth is placed on mine. His lips are soft and full of compassion and then gone. “I,” he whispers, bringing his mouth to mine again, but just as the previous time, only lingering there for a second. “Am.” He places another quick kiss onto my lips, leaving me wanting more. “Truly sorry.” He kisses me again briefly. “Cassandra.” He leaves his mouth against me this time, as he continues, “Blair Anderson. Please, forgive me.” He lightly kisses me one final time, but this time, he rests his lips on mine. He crookedly smiles and then playfully bites my lower lip, releasing it with another smile.

  I’m unable to move my body. Well, that’s not true. I refuse to move. I’m afraid I’ll attack him. I open my eyes slowly and catch him biting his lower lip. I definitely can’t move now; that little gesture made my entire body burst into flames.

  “I know I’m good, but damn, Cricket.” Lucas snaps two fingers in front of my face.<
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  I shut my eyes, trying to regain control of my body before I speak again. I take a few deep breaths for good measure. I have too much pride to agree with him. Damn, he is that good. “Lucas, I forgive you. I don’t know if I was ever mad. I’m sorry I got so upset,” I ramble, shaking my head and trying to clear my thoughts. “It was stupid of me to act the way I did. I just have a lot of things happening. Not only do I have night terrors, but I also have anxiety as well as…” I decide since I am unzipping my emotional baggage, that I may as well let all the contents fall out. “Trust issues and who knows what else.” I wave my hand dismissively in the air. “I’m messed up beyond repair. I’m broken. You may as well leave now, because I don’t think I can take much more. I’ve already started to care for you, which is surprising enough on its own.” The longer my rant continues, it seems I’m talking to myself more than him. “Oh, and now, apparently when I get nervous, I ramble, which is new. What are you doing to me?” The uncertainty is clear in my voice. The last few words sound shaky. I wipe my face with my hands as I sigh.

  I wait for him to speak, but nothing. Absolutely not a word. I accept defeat and start climbing off his lap, but he stops me, stilling me with his hands around my shoulders. His mouth collides with mine hard and full of dominance, as he guides me back down to him. He lets his mouth open, slightly freeing a throaty moan to break the silence between us. Wanting more, I slip my tongue into his mouth and taste the most amazing cinnamon flavor along the tip of his tongue. He traces my neckline up into my hair and pulls the strands, causing me to moan from the pleasure the pain is causing. His mouth feels like it was made for me. Mimicking what he had done before, I playfully bit his lower lip and then release it. Afterward, I lick and bite my lower lip.

  “Cassandra, if you keep biting your lip, I am about to go fucking insane. You wouldn’t want that, now would you?” he moans between breaths.

  “I don’t know?” I smile as I think about biting my lip again, just to see what he will do.

  “This just in. Man is driven mad by his girlfriend’s insatiable urge to bite her lip. He claims he was pushed over the edge due to sexual frustration.” He tries to mimic the dialect of a newscaster.

  My mouth drops, “Did you just call me your ‘girlfriend,’ Lucas?” My voice is weak. I don’t even recognize how it sounds. I’m shocked he called me that. It’s not that I don’t want him; I do. I’m just not sure I can be everything he needs or if I’m ready to have a boyfriend, if I’m being honest with myself.

  “Well, saying a man is driven mad by the woman he is stalking wouldn’t make headlines, would it?” Lucas sounds like he is amused. He taps the end of my nose with his finger and then smiles at me.

  “I guess you have a point.” I think he missed his calling. With the ability to turn anything around, he would have been a great lawyer.

  The door flies open. “Really? I can’t even come back to my own apartment when I forget my phone without seeing the mauling of you two continuing!” Dar says, coming into the room. No wonder she didn’t return my call or text. “You two are worse than teenagers!” she says, throwing her hands up into the air and walking through the dining room toward us. If I didn’t know Dar as well as I do, I would think she is intentionally interrupting us, but knowing her as long as I have, I know it’s purely coincidence.

  “Dartanya,” Lucas dryly addresses her and sighs. I giggle at his disappointment and push off his lap. Lucas gets to his feet and wraps his arms around my waist. “To be continued,” he purrs in a low tone so only I can hear.

  With all the words Lucas just whispered into my ear, clouding my thoughts, I’m unable to think of anything witty to tell her. I swallow hard and say the first thing that crosses my mind. “Dar, look, we were just getting ready to leave and…”

  She turns on her feet and glares at me. “Cass, really? Is this going to be one of those stories where you just slipped and fell onto his lap, and his mouth braced you and the fall?” She actually isn’t too far from the truth. I didn’t slip and fall; I was pulled, but the rest was accurate for the most part.

  “Actually that’s...” I feel Lucas begin to shake his head behind me, and his body begins to move with silent laughter. “Never mind. Dar, we’ll see you later. I love you.” I pull her in for a quick hug after walking out of Lucas’ embrace. I am thrilled she really is okay, and I was overacting, again.

  “I love you, too, Cass, even if you are the worst liar I’ve ever met.” She sticks out her tongue, so I do the same. Lucas takes my hand, and I walk to the door, needing to get some fresh air.

  Chapter 6

  You make me weak with the spell that you’ve created

  Time stands still

  Everything is outdated

  Dust gathers and settles, falling in place

  Sitting along the windowsill, taking up space

  I watch and wait

  I swirl and I spin

  My heart still keeps beating

  Singing within.

  Lucas

  When I returned to Cassandra’s apartment unannounced, and she was in the shower, I had no clue what line of bullshit I was going to make up for the reason I was there. Any way I looked at it, I was there because I couldn’t stand to be apart from her, and there was no way to tell her that without sounding creepy. Thankfully, she didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell. She’s my kind of girl.

  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would actually see her naked so soon. Sure, I had dreamed about her hot little body, especially after I changed her clothes, but even my imagination couldn’t fathom its perfection. I only saw a glimpse of it, but just those few seconds were long enough. Now every outline from her flowing curves was forever etched in my mind. I was more than lucky she stayed in the shower for a few minutes after I got there because she would have seen how hard I was from looking at her. I never wanted to lick the water from someone’s skin so badly, but she was in grave danger of me lapping each individual droplet from her exposed skin. Fuck, she was hot!

  After she had practically dragged me from her apartment, we ended up walking around town to pass the time. I was trying to get her to go to dinner with me, but she said she needed to get back home after an hour or so. She was trying to push me away, but that wasn’t an option that was going to happen. When I was with her, I felt as if I could just live and not be so worried about the things I had no control over.

  I missed the meeting with Amelia’s doctor, but I managed to sneak away from Cassandra to call him and reschedule. There will be hell to pay for missing that appointment. ‘Pay’ being the key word. It’ll cost me due to some bullshit about a pre-approved cancellation policy. Of course, I’ll take care of it; I just lost track of the time. It’s hard not to when I’m around Cassandra.

  Generally, I wouldn’t put this much effort into getting to know anyone, much less a woman. However, Cassandra is different. Although the fact she has one hell of a right hook does scare me a little, it’s a good thing she had fallen asleep in the cab after clocking me. I needed to be able to lick my wounds without her giving me a hard time. As soon as she closed her eyes, I tried to soothe the area she hit by rubbing the reddened spot. I am amazed it didn’t leave a bruise. It kind of freaks me out that she throws punches in her sleep, but then again, it proves my theory that she is a fighter.

  She intrigued me when I saw her shopping with Dartanya two months ago. There was something I was drawn to about her. It could have been something as simple as I liked watching her ass when she walked, or it could have been the look she gave Dartanya when she pulled her into another store. It appeared as if going shopping was causing her agony, and she hated every minute of the trip. Most women love going shopping, yet as I’m finding out, she isn’t most women. That fact alone makes me want to learn more about her. I’m so tired of the chicks around here.

  It had taken two months of me convincing Dartanya that it would be a great idea for Cassandra and me to meet and then for her to set it up for me. According to Dartan
ya, if I hurt Cassandra, she was going to chop off my balls and feed them to me on a platter. Begging is just not my forte. It never has been and never will be, but for Cassandra, I made an exception. I figured out at a young age that if you convince a woman it was her idea to start with, she will do all the work, so that is exactly how I handled Dartanya. She thinks our meeting each other was her elaborate plan, but in reality, all along it was my idea.

  Cassandra and I haven’t seen each other for almost a month. Our schedules couldn’t be any more inconvenient. She works the day shift at ‘some office downtown,’ as she puts it, and I work nights at the bar. We text each other every day and occasionally talk on the phone. Those are my favorite times because I get to hear her sexy voice. I’d much rather see her instead, but I’ll take what I can get. She is constantly cryptic with her information, and at times it annoys me, because I’m always open to her. I hope one day she’ll see that she can trust me.

  I sleep during the day and stay up all night. It comes naturally to me, which is one of the reasons why the owl tattoo on my right arm is so fitting to me. Cassandra however, seems to have trouble staying up past 3 AM. She fell asleep talking to me last night. Well, I guess it was the morning hours, but the morning feels like evening to me. Until she didn’t answer my question, I wasn’t even aware she had passed out. We were discussing our pasts and what had brought each of us to West Virginia. I’ve lived here my entire life, but apparently, she moved here from Pittsburgh, and shortly after that she met Dartanya. She didn’t tell me how they met, which is odd, because Dartanya won’t tell me either. Fucking women and their secrets. It’s as if anyone with a vagina belongs to a secret society that has the sole purpose to mess with a man’s head. I’m not a dick by any means; I just want to know everything about Cassandra, and I’m impatient.

  I want to know what makes her tick and what causes the sorrow behind her beautiful blue eyes. Each time I look into them, the heartbreak is apparent. Even when she laughs, it still remains. I can tell she’s been hurt in the past. How anyone could ever hurt her eludes me. I find it endearing she tries to act like she doesn’t care, but I can tell it is a front. Just like me, she’s jaded, and I’m determined to find out the reason.