Just Breathe (Blue #1)

by Chelle C. Craze

  He studies my face through dark menacing eyes before he speaks, slowly shaking his head as if deciding against something. “No, Cassandra, I don’t get my ‘jollies’, as you put it, by being beaten,” he says with a hint of humor in his voice. “Being near you is torturous enough. It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to rip each piece of clothing off your body and fuck you senseless.” He wraps his hand around mine and intertwines our fingers, continuing, “You have no idea how dangerously close I was to disregard any control in front of my family and everyone else.” He curses under his breath and sighs. “When you’re so close, I lose control of every coherent thought I have. I’ve never been so lost in someone.”

  “Why would you have lost control in the first place?”

  “Because, Cassandra, I can’t deny how much I want you. Every second I’m around you is a constant battle between remembering and trying to convince you otherwise. I don’t think you realize the effect you have on me. I wanted my mouth on you so badly I couldn’t stand it, but considering the company, I couldn’t do what I wanted. So, I licked you and had to physically restrain myself into quitting,” he confesses honestly, caressing my mouth with his.

  For the first time in my life, I am having trouble breathing, and I welcome the feeling. He has explained the exact thing I’ve been trying to fathom this entire time. For years, I’ve avoided relationships because I’ve been too afraid to let anyone break down my walls. Maybe I’ve been waiting for him all along. I am lost in him, and he is my drug, but he is much more than that to me. Much, much more. As I stare into his hungry eyes, it’s hard to deny him, particularly when I’m on the verge of attacking him this second. I’m beginning to forget the reasons I told myself I shouldn’t care for him. I know I shouldn’t. It will only lead to an emotional disaster, but seeing the hope ignite on his face, I can’t stop myself. Lucas sighs and releases me, almost as if he can sense my internal turmoil. He motions for me to get into the car. Wow, this should make for an interesting ride home.

  Chapter 8

  Porcelain dolls are kept on a shelf

  Perfectly still and unbroken, as they look out

  I wish you were kept as these lifeless beauties

  Never knowing tragedies, without feeling doubt

  Then again, maybe I’m wrong

  Because those reasons have made you

  And you’re the perfection in my world.

  Lucas

  Before we climb into my ride, I can’t break my attention from her. Even though I would never admit this, I read an article a few weeks ago that reminded me of Cassandra from one of Amelia’s chick magazines. It was called “Va jay-jay: Loud and Proud”. With a title like that, I couldn’t pass it up. The story was about women being oblivious to their bodies’ wants. How clueless Cassandra is about sex just blows my mind.

  Once we finally get into the car, I think I can finally breathe once more. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but if we had continued, I don’t know how long I could withstand not ripping off her clothes. She probably thought I was lying when I told her all of that, but it couldn’t have been closer to the truth. I force myself to remain in the car, wanting to beat down her door after she goes inside. Actually, I did consider doing that. It was the only way in which I could convince her.

  The feeling she evokes within me often has me questioning if I’m going fucking insane. All the ideas that are swimming in my head sure make it seem that way. Settling down with one woman always sounded like torture to me, until Cassandra. Now, I find myself being such an emotional sap when it comes to her. She has me checking my phone to see if she’s called, texted, or anything. Hell, even when she’s avoiding me, I found myself desperately checking my phone like a damn moron.

  She is, in fact, the first person with whom I’ve connected in a while. I try to cover up everything I say by hitting on her afterward, but I think she is starting to catch on. At least after we talked last night, I felt a little more at peace with her. Like me, she was slighted by life—forced to grow up before her time. Could that be the reason I need her so much? Maybe we can make up for what was taken from us, which included our youth.

  I was given my parents for sixteen years, which is much more than I can say for Arya. She will never know Amelia like I knew my mom and dad. When I spoke with the doctor earlier, he said Amelia needed to be hospitalized. The results of her biopsy show the cancer has spread throughout her whole body. He wants to try a new treatment that requires her to be monitored twenty-four hours a day. Amelia has agreed for us to take her to the hospital, thankfully.

  Amelia arranged for Felix and me to share medical Power of Attorney. However, I told Felix I would handle all the paperwork, and he could handle the hard decisions. Just thinking about losing her makes my stomach churn. It’s like losing Mom all over again. I know it was selfish of me to ask him to do it, but she will always be my older sister. Even if her wish isn’t to stay on a bunch of machines, I can’t be the one to kill her. There is no way I could deal with telling them to unplug the monitors.

  What a great way to start a morning, I think as I open the cabinet, looking for something to eat. Damn, I need to get to the store. My shelves are empty. I’m honestly surprised moths didn’t fly out when I opened the door. A lonely box of Fruiti-O’s stares back at me from the bare shelves.

  Since the box is the only thing I can find, I pour a bowl, drown them in some milk, and go to town. After showering and getting dressed in my usual plain white t-shirt and jeans, I put on my socks and begin lacing up my boots. I get to the last loop, and my phone rings. “Dude, where in the hell have you been? The fucking work truck isn’t running, so we can’t get bar supplies. You know how the girls like those stupid little napkins. Lacey and the others are bitching, and to top it off, Jace came in last night giving me shit!” Jay’s familiar voice whines. Fucking Jay, he’s such a momma’s boy.

  “What do you mean where in the hell have I been? Jay, I gave you a raise to tackle this shit, so handle it.” I tie my boots and then stand. I swear, I think his brothers held his dick out of the dirt his entire life. “Look, man. I’m taking my sister to the doctor today. Just take care of the shit, okay?” I impatiently say while rubbing the back of my neck. I hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. “Don’t pay attention to Jace. He’s just messing with you because you’re a total puss. Get whatever we’re out of from the Shop Tree, and tell the girls if they don’t like what you have to say, then they can suck you.”

  He starts laughing, “Thanks, man. You know when you’re coming back?” The sound of a toilet flushing drowns out his voice. I’m surprised he didn’t beg me to come hold his hand while he pissed.

  “Nah, I probably won’t be back for a few more days.”

  “Hey, I wish your sister the best.” He sighs, turning on the water and washing his hands. That’s one thing I have to give Jay. He might be a pain in the ass, but at least he’s clean.

  “I’ll talk to you later, Big Jay.” The Hot Spot may burn down with him in charge, but I need time away from there. I guess that’s one of the perks of working for myself. I get to take off whenever I want, which hardly ever happens.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket as I close the door to my house.

  Cassandra: Hey, so ugh… are we still on for tomorrow?

  Before she went into her apartment, we made plans to hang out tomorrow. She said she’d try to cook if I helped her, and I never pass up a home-cooked meal.

  Me: My lovely girlfriend, I get to call you that now. You agreed. Should I bring whipped cream for my dessert?

  Cassandra: You’re relentless. Do you know that? You ARE NOT putting that nasty stuff on me! Don’t act like that isn’t what you were getting at. I know that’s exactly what you were thinking.

  That is exactly what I was thinking, but the fact her mind is in the same place is fucking hot. She told me a few days ago she can’t stand whipped cream. Something about the texture bothers her.

  Me: Love, I’m not asham
ed to say that I would lick every inch of your body. Hell, I’d lick you without the stuff. Sure you don’t want me to come now? ;)

  Damn, the thought of doing that almost makes me come undone. Just thinking of her face when she reads this text almost makes it worth having blue balls.

  Cassandra: Lucas! Really?

  Me: You know I’m shameless. I’ll see you later, love. I just have to run up the road. Have a fantastic evening. Think of me, because you know you will be on my mind.

  Cassandra: Smh…Have a good evening.

  *****

  As I pull into the driveway at Amelia’s house, I see a green blob moving toward my car. Arya is in a dinosaur costume, and no doubt trying to sneak up on me, judging by the way she is walking on her tiptoes. I put my car into park and divert my eyes to the floorboard to make her believe I’ve lost something down there. She smacks my driver’s window with her tiny hands and yells, “Rawr!” I jump and hold my chest. She starts giggling uncontrollably as she opens my door and hops onto my lap.

  “Luke, can’t you stay with me, so I don’t have to stay with Grandma Morgan? She smells like moff balls,” Arya says while hugging my neck with her tiny arms. Arya has begged me to stay with her during each of Amelia’s appointments, but I can’t. I have to be with my sister. It isn’t possible for her to understand, and I know this, but in the event that Amelia can’t speak for herself, Felix or I need to make the hard decisions.

  She squeals as I pick her up and get out of the car. I swing her around in circles, making her giggle once again. The ability children have to forget bad things blows my mind and I am glad she is able to, even if it is for a brief moment. Amelia could leave us at any second, and it’s something that seems to rarely leave my mind. I carefully put her down and take her hand as we walk into the house.

  She skips through the kitchen and leads me to her room. “Arya, dear, I would love to stay here with you…” I clear my throat, thinking of something to tell her. “But, if I don’t leave, you wouldn’t have stories to tell me when I get back. You know I really like to hear your stories.” She has had a vivid imagination from the time she started talking. Some of the shit she comes up with shocks me. She releases my hand with a theatrical sigh and takes a seat at the table in the middle of her bedroom floor where she has several stuffed animals dressed up for a tea party. I sit down on the floor and cross my legs over each other as I pick up the teacup and pretend to take a drink.

  She smacks my hand. “Don’t slurp. Pinkie up, Luke.” I swallow the giggle trying to escape, but my body silently shakes. “Mother would be very displeased with your manners.” She fixes my grasp on the cup and flips my pinkie upward. “There, now try again.”

  “Thank you, madam. I don’t know what I would do without you. Maria may have to take my place the next time.” I wave my hand to the stuffed dog I bought for her as a birthday present that is sitting on her nightstand beside a picture of Amelia.

  “No!” Her voice cracks, and I see huge tears forming in her eyes as she runs over to Maria. “Luke, she has to stay there,” She softly pets the puppy and wipes her nose with her sleeve. “Mother said I’m her little angel, but I can’t go to Heaven with her. I’m too young. She put Maria here. She said Maria will keep an eye on me when she goes to Heaven.” In two large strides, I cross the room and kneel beside where she is standing. Her little chin is quivering as I place my fingers beneath it to raise her eyes to meet mine. “Promise me I don’t ever have to move her,” she pleads as the tears begin to streak her face.

  “I promise we will never move her, ever.” I pull Arya into my arms and hold her as the tears fall from my eyes. I have to be strong for her. She can’t see me cry. She snuggles into my chest as I rub the evidence that I am crying on my shoulder. I carry her to the bed and begin rocking back and forth. Times like these are when doubt sets into my heart. What kind of life will she live once Amelia is gone? There is no way Arya can handle losing her.

  Arya closes her eyes as I begin to sing “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas. As far back as I can remember, singing has always comforted her. Soon, her tears stop, and her breathing levels. I’m thankful she is resting. I close my eyes as sorrow pours from them. I’m a twenty-four-year-old man, and I still cry like a little bitch.

  A hand on my back startles me, causing my shoulders to tense from reflex. Amelia is standing over us with a peaceful look on her face. “Lucas, I’m not worried about her. It’s my boys, like you, that I’m afraid to leave. She will be fine because she has three men who love her very much. It’s you that has me worried. Promise me you’ll try to get along with our brother after I’m gone.” My eyes widen. She knows what she is asking of me. After the whole Lilla situation, I avoid him as much as possible.

  “It’s a lot to ask, but I can’t stand leaving this world with the two of you hating each other. Promise me you’ll try to hear him out.” She places a soft kiss onto my forehead as she rubs small concerning circles between my shoulder blades.

  “I promise.” I gently smile up at her and bite my lip. This makes the second time today I’ve made a promise I’m not sure I can keep. Amelia takes Arya from me and kisses her forehead as she tucks her in for a nap. Although it has been a few days since the last time I saw my sister, she looks like she’s aged ten years. The clothes that once fit her are now hanging from her bony frame. Shortly after she began chemotherapy, her hair thinned, but it didn’t completely fall out. She now wears a Bluewood University baseball cap to protect her head.

  Amelia bends over, holding her right side as she begins coughing into a napkin. She throws it away as we walk past the garbage in the kitchen. She holds her forehead in her hand and closes her eyes. Her skin looks whiter than normal, and her face is contorted into a look of pure pain. I’ve noticed she’s done this for about a week but refused to go to the hospital before her scheduled appointment. Regardless of how much I begged her to go, she just wouldn’t.

  “Are you okay, Sis?” I question her in a raspy tone, my throat irritated from crying recently.

  “It’s just a slight migraine and nausea.” She pushes out the words as she suppresses a cough and pretends to smile. Felix sneaks up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist, placing an elegant kiss to her neck. He whispers something into her ear, causing her cheeks to flush, and it’s apparent she is forcing the smile on her face. Pain shines through her hazel eyes so fierce, as if any minute it is going to break free, and tears will fall. She has never described one of her headaches as a migraine; in fact, she rarely lets anyone know of the pain she feels. I know this normally would not be something to worry about, but my sister isn’t healthy. Her body is slowly dying, and it’s only a matter of time before it overcomes her, and we all lose her. I have a terrible feeling swelling in the pit of my stomach, and despite telling myself it’s nothing, I can’t shake it.

  I usher them out the door and into my car in a hurried fashion. The sooner we get her to the hospital, and they check her in, the better. This could easily be my nerves getting the best of me. I usually get nervous every trip we take to the hospital, but I think any normal person with a sick family member does. I try to swallow my emotions and stay strong for Amelia as I straighten my shoulders and drop the car into gear. As I look into the rearview mirror and meet Amelia’s eyes, she mouths, “I love you,” and I do the same.

  The ride to the hospital is unbearable. No one says a word. Although Felix, Amelia, and I know what the doctor will mostly likely say when we arrive, none of us bring it up. Today, the doctor is going to tell us the results of Amelia’s most recent test that will show if the cancer has spread. This isn’t the first time I have driven the three of us to the hospital, but it feels like the last. I swallow a hard lump in my throat and try to think of something happier, but nothing comes to my rescue. My sister is barely hanging onto her life by a tiny shred. Hope and happiness aren’t exactly the emotions surging through my body at the moment. Fear, however, pours out of my veins every trip we make here.

>   I check my rearview mirrors to make sure a cop isn’t behind me. I run the stop sign at the end of the street and signal to turn into the parking lot. I watch Felix bring Amelia’s hand to his lips, brushing her skin against his mouth. She doesn’t respond as he softly lays her hand onto her lap and strokes her forehead as she sleeps.

  Pity is the only thing I’ve kept myself from feeling, but I can’t stop it from swelling deep within me right now. Felix knows it’s only a matter of time before his soul mate is taken from him, and it shows all over his face. He has given up faith that we will receive good news today, and to be honest, I have, too.

  When I put my car into park, Felix nudges Amelia. “Love, we’re here…love?” He frantically questions and shakes her body, trying to arouse her. “Amelia, please, I can’t do this without you!” He repeatedly runs his hand over the cap she’s wearing while hysterically saying her name.

  Adrenaline courses thick in my body as I jump out of the car and rush around to the backseat. I pry her from his arms as her body thrashes wildly and then goes limp. I hold her head firmly in my hands, but her eyes are unresponsive. A chill cools my body with a looming threat.

  My boots pound against the pavement, and loose gravel flies from beneath them as I sprint toward the emergency room entrance. Tears blur my vision when the automatic doors fly open sensing my weight.

  “Someone help, p-p-please.” I run up to the desk and beg anyone who will listen. People in the waiting area stare mockingly in my direction. “Don’t just sit there, you fucking idiots. She’s d-dy…” I can’t bring myself to say it. My voice grows louder as I sob.

  Multiple nurses surround us, and a man in a white coat pushes a stretcher to our side. “How long has she been unresponsive?” he asks and then attempts to take her from my arms. I know they’re all trying to help her. I’m only stopping them from doing so, but I can’t will my body to let her go.