Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy

by James, Melanie

  “Over the top? Look around you. Everything we do is over the top. You live in a paranormal plantation that’s decked out like a nuthouse for clowns. I could make you a cape out of that neon orange shag rug and you’d still look perfect for this place.” Randy went over to my dresser and picked through some costume jewelry that I had left out. “Stand up and turn around.” He placed a silver necklace festooned with cubic zirconia around my neck. “Almost there, just put these diamond studs in and you are good to go. I do believe we set some sort of speed dressing record. Don’t forget a pair of black heels to complete the ensemble.”

  “Thank you so much, Randy. You’re a lifesaver.” I gave him a peck on the cheek and returned to Brad.

  Brad popped to attention upon my entrance. “Holy cow! You look fantastic! Absolutely gorgeous.”

  “Thank you, your flattery will most definitely pay off. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I wore anything black. I feel like I’m ready for a date with the undertaker.” I winked, quickly putting a few things in a small clutch to take along. With my broom in hand, we were whisked away to my designated French Quarter arrival location on Pirate Alley.

  Brad took me by the hand as we strolled through the evening shadows of the Saint Louis Cathedral. The warm day gave away to a crisp cool evening. “You know, Gertie. I do believe that New Orleans is fast becoming my favorite city. And I like the country life out by Bayou Lafourche even more.” He led me to one of the white horse-drawn carriages that normally line up by Jackson Square. I’m pretty sure Brad enjoyed romancing me as much as I enjoyed being romanced.

  I was grinning like a chimp in a banana boat. All of my worries were gone because it all became clear to me. Brad was setting things up for his proposal. And from his remarks about New Orleans and Lafourche Parish, it was obvious that his plans included making our home in Louisiana.

  Chapter Eleven

  A Trip to the ER

  Now I’m not sure where Brad gets his unique romantic ideas from, and I certainly do appreciate a novel approach to things, but that sort of style comes with its own risks. And I was about to learn it firsthand.

  The secluded table became our cozy little candlelit corner of heaven. “Gertie, have some more wine.” Brad had taken my glass and filled it half way.

  “You know I’m not much of a drinker, but if you insist. I always feel a little dumb when people are talking about all the different kinds of wine. It’s almost like they are talking about gourmet food. And some people are downright snooty about it.”

  Brad nodded in agreement. “Oh, I know exactly what you mean. People start talking about chardonnay, merlot, Bordeaux…eshh. Hipster wine lingo. It’s all Greek to me.”

  “French I think. Pretty sure.”

  Brad was laughing. “No, just a figure of speech. But you’re right, those are French words.”

  “Oh, did I tell you about what I learned last fall about shopping for wine? The wine shops in Chicago have a great idea to help people like me. They have a wine expert that sits out in front of the store. For a few dollars he’ll go in with you and tell you exactly which wines are the best deal and taste the best. It’s like having your personal wine connoisseur. Only, they don’t use an elegant French word, they just call him a wino.”

  “Ha ha. Okay. I guess that’s the person to ask if you really want to drink for effect. Have another sip, Gertie.”

  As I sipped, I heard a mysterious and magical melody being whistled in Broussard’s courtyard. It was very familiar. I glanced out of the window and there in the moonlight was Vasili. “Spluth.” I nearly choked on the wine.

  “You all right?”

  “Uh huh.” I sucked up the remaining wine like it was water.

  “Gertie? Wait!” Brad nearly shouted at me.

  “Huh? Hey, I didn’t know they put ice cubes in wine. I just swallowed one. Must be another fancy French thing—”

  “Ring!”

  “Ring? Nope. The wino never told me about that kind of wine. But it has a nice ring to it. Get it?”

  “Oh shit! Gertie! That wasn’t an ice cube. That was a ring. A diamond engagement ring!”

  “Janey Mac!” I shouted. “Leave it to the French!” My fingers instinctively wrapped around my throat as if I was trying to stop a mouse from running through a hose. Just as I worried that it was already sitting in my stomach, I realized Brad must have been having a little laugh on my account. “You shouldn’t joke around like that! I nearly had a canary! Hah! After all, who’d put a diamond ring in a wineglass? Not even a French—”

  “Gertie! Gertie, listen. Stay calm. There was an engagement ring in that glass. I know it was stupid of me. I just saw it done in a movie once. The guy surprises his girlfriend by putting it in her drink…only she doesn’t swallow it. And he asks her to marry him.”

  “What? Why? A movie?” I tried not to panic. “What do we do now?”

  Brad spoke calmly yet firmly. “First, we’re going to get you to the emergency room. They’ll need to take an x-ray. Just to be sure it isn’t lodged—”

  The fleeting seconds of calmness were over for me. After all, I had ruined what was likely the most romantic moment of my life by gobbling up my engagement ring like it was some hors d’oeuvres. And that was after I realized I was being serenaded by my new mysterious stalker, the whistling Vasili. I jumped up so quickly that my chair got knocked over. Silverware, china, and crystal crashed on the floor when the table nearly flipped. I knew I was making some strange squawking sounds as I flapped around like a panicked ostrich choking on a softball.

  “Right this way!” An unfamiliar voice called out. “Clear a path!” Someone had witnessed my frantic antics and dialed called 911. Tables and chairs were swept aside as paramedics dashed towards me.

  “No. She’s not choking!” Brad held them off. “She just realized she swallowed a diamond ring.”

  “How the hell did that happen?” One of my would-be rescuers asked.

  Brad held the paramedics at bay. “It’s a long story. We won’t need an ambulance. I’m going to take her to the ER and have her checked out.”

  I had no desire to go to a hospital. That would be the end of our night for sure. “Let’s just call Marie. She’ll fix this, or get a witch doctor to take care of it.”

  “A witch doctor? Lady, you need a shrink.” A lanky young paramedic said in a loud voice. Loud enough for everyone to get a good laugh.

  “Not like a witch doctor that shrinks heads and dances around a bon fire. I meant a doctor for witches.”

  “Like I said, you need a shrink!” The crowd’s raucous laughter grew louder.

  “Shut up, clown.” Brad barked.

  “Wait. Those guys are clowns? I thought they were ambulance guys.” I was thoroughly confused.

  “Oh yeah, they’re clowns all right. Come on, Gertie. Let’s go.” He took me by the arm and we left the restaurant, leaving the disaster in our wake.

  A taxi ride, a horrendously long wait, and an x-ray later we were in an exam room. “Miss O’Leary, it appears that the ring made it into your stomach without any problems. You should be fine.” The doctor slapped an x-ray onto a lit up box on the wall. “See? There it is.”

  I took a careful look at my engagement ring nestled away in my innards. “It’s perfect, Brad! Sorry I ate it.” I turned to the doctor. “Can you take it out?”

  “The object should pass harmlessly through your digestive system and you shouldn’t have any issues. If you do start to experience any pain, I want to see you back in the emergency room right away.” The doctor explained. I knew that as soon as we got home I would be getting ahold of Marie. There was no way I was letting a diamond ring pass “through my digestive system”.

  When the doctor walked out, Brad took down the x-ray. He set it on a table and took out his pocketknife. I sat up on the edge of the bed and watched with interest as he cut out the image of the ring. He dropped down to one knee and took my hand. With his other hand he held up the little x-rayed ri
ng. “Gertie, I know this isn’t the way I wanted it to go tonight, but it’s somehow perfect for us. I want to know if you’ll marry me.”

  I squealed with joy. “Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!” He pushed the plastic image of the ring onto my finger and the emergency room nursing staff surprised us with a round of applause. As soon as we left the hospital, I magically transported us back to my bedroom at the plantation. I wish I could say from that point on we were on the way to happily ever after, but it was not the case.

  I lit a couple of candles and put on some soft music. I started to unzip my dress but Brad wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear. “No. Don’t take anything off.” His touch, his kisses were soft and sensual. Everything seemed to be in slow motion and I relished every sensation. When his mouth met mine, I became so lost in the feeling I barely noticed that he had unzipped my dress and slid it off of me. My bra was gone soon after. His strong hands moved down to the small of my back and to my ass. I felt like he was a sculptor and I was clay in his hands. Oh, I know that sounds pretty sappy to say, but I don’t know of any other way to describe the feeling. Brad just knows me so well that every movement, every touch, every kiss is perfectly delivered to excite me.

  Then I remembered my pills. “Hold on, Brad. There’s something I need to do. You won’t be needing to take any precautions tonight. I went to see a shrink.”

  “What? A shrink?”

  “Yeah. Be right back.” I speed-tiptoed into the bathroom and took out the little plastic pill bottle. I mumbled to myself as I looked over the label. “Doctor Schmidt said to take one pill. But Brad always says, ‘that was so nice let’s do it twice’ so I’ll just take two to be sure. And one more because sometimes he does it three times.”

  “Okay, now where were we?” I teased.

  “I was about to put you on that bed right there and make love to you for the first time as my fiancée.”

  “Say that again and again. I am so happy, Brad.” Something didn’t feel right. All of a sudden, I felt a little dizzy. “Whoa. I have got to sit down. I’m feeling a little strange.” I stumbled to the edge of the bed.

  “Are you all right?”

  “I’m sure it’s from all the excitement tonight. Now take that jacket off and get over here. Stand right in front of me, please.”

  “So polite, Gertie.” Brad laughed.

  “There’s something I’ve been thinking about dooo—in’ to ya.” My words slurred out and my hands felt like I had ski gloves on. I worked at trying to get Brad’s belt undone and his pants unbuttoned. “Come on, come on out. Jesus. I feel like a second rate snake charmer. I can’t seem to find your tallywhacker. Did it crawl down to the other side err sumthin?”

  “Uh, Gertie. That’s because you’ve been digging around my belly button. Are you okay?”

  “Oh. Must have been that wine tonight.” Finally, Brad’s rock hard erection was free. I opened my mouth wide while my seemingly giant hands clumsily tried to get a grip on Brad’s throbbing member. “Relax, Brad. I practiced on a banana. Ba na naaa.” The sound of the word struck me as the most ridiculous thing and I laughed uncontrollably as I tried to get my mouth on it.

  “Are you all right, Gertie? I think maybe you should lay down for a while.” Brad’s puzzled look only added to the comedic effect.

  “I know. I probably look like a drunken monkey trying to eat a banana.” I tried to concentrate and get my act together. I placed the tip on my lips and a ridiculous image came to mind. The laughter returned, and I was nearly in hysterics. I could barely breathe. “Oh…ha ha ha. I feel like a drunken Jabba the Hut trying to play a clarinet! I’m all out of sorts.”

  “What did your doctor give you anyway?”

  My mouth finally found its target. “Birfconelg uck.” I gagged and pulled my mouth away. “I’m sorry, it’s hard to talk with a big penis in your mouth. Birth control.” That was it. I rolled back on the bed and doubled up. I was a completely useless pile of giggling.

  My laughter slowed to sobs and then I heard it. The sound of Vasili’s haunting melody. It floated up from the darkness below my bedroom window. Brad walked over to the window and looked around the yard. “I think someone is out there. Whistling.”

  I was getting incredibly sleepy. I yawned. “Oh, that’s just Vasili.”

  “Vasili? Who’s Vasili?”

  “Some guy that came around this morning. He’s been trying to seduce me all day. But don’t worry, I didn’t kiss him back.” I covered my mouth with both hands as if I wanted to stuff all of the words safely back in my mouth. That was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.

  Chapter Twelve

  A Monster Is Revealed

  I heard voices of women talking. Randy was saying something to them. I cracked open my eyelids and immediately covered my head with a sheet. The sun came through the window and I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass. The sun! It only comes through that window in the afternoon. What happened last night?

  “Brad? Brad, are you here?” My heart fell with the realization that the room was Bradless. I gathered the sheet around my naked body and like an old Greek statue that had been brought to life, I wandered cautiously from the sitting room to the bathroom. Brad was gone. I was just about to go to the door to see who was downstairs when Randy walked in. Marie, Esmeralda, and Wanda, the paranormal veterinarian, followed him into my room.

  “You’re finally awake,” Randy said in a somber tone. The other witches all had the same concerned look on their faces.

  “What’s going on? Where’s Brad?” My voice was shaky and my body soon followed suit. I was as wobbly as a newborn fawn. A greeting like the one I was getting could only mean one thing, something terrible had happened.

  Marie put her hand on my shoulder. “Gertie. Sit down.”

  My lips trembled. I wanted to ask again, but I was afraid to know what was coming next. Randy sat next to me. “Listen, we don’t know where Brad is. All I know is that when I got up this morning, I saw the door to the cow shed was open. I walked in and I found Vasili tied to a post. He’s alive but pretty beat up. Wanda took a look at him, gave him something, and he’s sleeping now. I tried calling Brad’s cellphone a few times, but he never answered. I got the number to the fire station and he hasn’t been there. Do you think Brad had anything to do with the beating Vasili took?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I fell asleep on him. Those birth control pills the shrink gave me made me all loopy. I passed out.”

  “Now can anyone else tell me how many things they find absolutely bizarre about that?” Esmeralda asked.

  “Gertie, where are these pills?” Marie asked.

  “In the bathroom medicine cabinet.” Marie nodded to Esmeralda. Without saying a word, she went to retrieve my pills.

  “The only pills are these.” Esmeralda carried the bottle in her hand. “Diazepam, not birth control. Valium of course. They were prescribed by a psychiatrist.”

  “How many of those pills did you take?” Randy asked.

  “Three, I think.” My memory was a little fuzzy. “You know, we usually do it more than just once. I figured that was how it worked.”

  “So you thought you needed a valium for each orgasm. Yep. That makes perfect sense.” Esmeralda shook her head in disbelief.

  Randy gasped. “Jesus, Gertie. No wonder you’ve been asleep all day.”

  Marie reached out and touched Wanda’s arm. “Wanda? Would you please check on Gertie? Make sure she didn’t poison herself.”

  “Of course.” The tiny old witch was dressed in green hospital scrubs. She opened a black leather doctor’s bag and took out a rolled up purple cloth. “Been a while since I’ve treated a witch.” She unfurled the cloth and I could see a number of bizarre metal instruments. Wanda lifted out one that looked like a magnifying glass with an orange lens. “Ah. This takes me back to anatomy class. Dissecting victims of the black plague.”

  Wanda’s words sent a chill up my spine and after a look at those medie
val surgeon’s tools, I was thankful that I hadn’t mentioned the ring in my stomach. “You wouldn’t be dissecting me now, would you, Wanda?”

  “No, not today. Unfortunately. Now get in your birthday suit. I’m going to look you over.” Wanda shook the magnifying glass at me.

  Reluctantly, I peeled away the sheet. “Don’t you think that if you can see through my skin with that thing, you could see through a cotton sheet?”

  “Shush.” She squinted as she raised and lowered the lens from her eye. “Aha. Uh hum. Yes. This is very interesting.” Tinged with excitement, Wanda handed the device to Marie. “Take a look at this.”

  “What is it?” I begged to know. Really, what can be more anxiety inducing than having a doctor peer into your innards and act like they’ve just found an anatomical oddity that would make it into a Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum.

  Esmeralda paused her nail buffing to chime in with her snark laden commentary. “Wanda, you don’t need that lens to see what’s wrong with her.”

  Marie took the magic magnifying glass and carefully examined me. “I see what you mean. I can hardly believe it. It’s obviously a magic object.”

  I was getting more than nervous. “What? What is it?”

  Marie handed the glass back to Wanda. Her brow was furrowed and she spoke carefully to me. “Gertie, did you know that you are carrying a diamond ring inside of you?”

  “Yes, I do know! Can you take it out?”

  “What’s it doing there?” Wanda asked.

  “Ugh. It’s sort of a long story. Brad was about to propose to me last night.”

  “Okay. Let’s make sure I have this right. Brad proposes. You swallow the ring. Yep. You can’t make this kind of stuff up.” Esmeralda quipped.

  I interrupted Esmeralda’s deadpan comedy act to explain. “Well yes, and no. I mean it was an accident. I was hoping you’d be able to help out. So this is perfect timing.”

  Wanda put her magnifying glass back in the purple cloth. “The ring won’t be going anywhere. It appears to have somehow embedded itself deep in your womb. Remarkable, really. Magical for sure to get there from where it started. It’s almost as if it’s....hiding…or hibernating inside of you. That ring is in a safe place and I recommend it stays there. What do you think, Marie?”