Broken Glamour

by Maggie Marr

  “No one could ever reform you,” Lola said. Her breath warmed my neck and her fingertips chased up my arm. “I know what you like,” she said.

  I shivered, but not in the way Lola had once made me shiver. I couldn’t remember my times with Lola. All I knew was that she didn’t get me now. Her touch did nothing for me. She was beautiful and she was hot, but I didn’t have any feelings for her. I looked past Lola toward the door. There, not more than a few feet away was Amanda. Her eyes peered at me. Her gaze followed the trace of Lola’s fingertips up my arms. The way Lola’s face tilted up toward mine.

  This looked bad. I imagined the rage that would crash through me if the roles were reversed and I watched some guy press his body into Amanda’s, trail his fingers over her skin. I would fucking blow.

  Her hard gaze flicked from Lola to me. Then she turned. She turned and walked out the door.

  Amanda

  The cool night air caressed my skin and I shivered. Mick was absent from the back door, but the valet saw me and ran to fetch the car.

  People assumed that the daughter of Steve Legend had seen and done it all. While I’d witnessed both the good and the bad that Hollywood had to offer, I’d chosen to abstain. Abstain from the sex. Abstain from the drugs. Abstain from the crazy. Maybe because I’d witnessed so much crazy as a child. The horrendous fights between Daddy and Mom because of his on-set romances, the awful arguments when he was drunk and she was depressed. The arrests that were carefully avoided due to my father’s pull in entertainment.

  When I was little I watched my parents' friends get plastered and high and crazy and party until they could party no more. Everything was available to me. Everything. But Sterling and I had each other. We watched our parents' marriage careen toward failure only to wake up one day and discover that our mother was going to die—no ifs, ands, or buts—she was simply going to die. Everything shifted. I closed down. Sterling went over the edge for a while.

  We put our mother in the ground and I shut down. Sterling tried it all. I watched him, out of control, until one day after a particularly bad night, I begged him to stop. Told him how I’d already lost one person I loved and didn’t think I could stand to lose another.

  We couldn’t control Daddy and the string of women that passed through our house … he wasn’t even discreet, but Sterling and I could be there for each other.

  Back then, I spent more and more time with Gayle and less and less time with my father and my friends. I didn’t want to be a plaything. A toss-away girl like the ones my father seemed to attract. So while everyone assumed that Amanda Legend was well sexed, I wasn’t. I didn’t. I simply couldn’t let myself be that vulnerable. Tonight, letting Ryan touch me like that, in such an intimate way in such a public place had meant something to me. More than just getting off. I allowed it to happen and I gave him a piece of me.

  My mistake.

  The valet pulled the car up just as Ryan emerged from the club. Was he going home with me? Or perhaps he’d decided to experience Lola when sober. He’d seemed pretty intent on rekindling their affair. Cool air filled my lungs and my practiced calm clung to my face. Showing emotion, telling Ryan my feelings, would get me nowhere. I would die inside, but that would be my private experience, not one I shared with him. I’d already given him too much. Shame surged through my chest.

  What had I let him do? I’d let him touch me. Finger me. Make me come over and over and over again in Ballou. I turned my face away from him and looked at the car. The valet opened the door and I slid behind the wheel. I waited. I wouldn’t leave him because it was my job to drive him. The passenger door opened and Ryan slid into the car. He closed his door and I grabbed the wheel. The silence was unbearable, but there was nothing for me to say. I pressed my foot to the accelerator.

  “You’re mad,” Ryan said. “And that’s fine.” He turned his face to me. A sly smile curled around his lips. “If you’re mad then I mean something. We mean something.”

  “There isn’t a we,” I said.

  A laugh crashed from his lips. “Oh Princess,” he said. “You are in some fucking deep denial if you think after tonight there isn’t a we.” He reached out and clamped his huge hand onto my thigh. Heat seared through me with his touch. Heat that I didn’t want. I was angry and hurt and jealous and still that paw of a hand on my thigh made me wet. A tremble raced up my back, and want settled deep in my gut.

  “I know you fucking feel that,” he whispered. His hand traveled up my thigh and stopped at my panties.

  “Don’t,” I whispered. This wasn’t safe. I continued driving yet all I could think about was wanting his fingers on me, in me, his lips on mine.

  “It doesn’t matter how mad you are, or how jealous. You’re mine, Amanda.”

  He was right. Ryan Sinclair had claimed me and even with the heat of anger beating through my chest I was wet and tingles clutched my sex. I wanted him. The anger was because I was worried he wanted someone else more or as much as he wanted me.

  “I don’t want her,” Ryan said. “I don’t want anyone but you.” His fingers pressed against the front of me in a spot that he’d claimed as his earlier this night. “I don’t want the Amanda Legend that you show to everyone else, but the real Amanda Legend. The one who swears and tells the truth and doesn’t carefully choose her words.” He leaned across the car and whispered in my ear. “The one that I’m going to fuck when we get home.”

  A tingle shot through my breasts. My sex clutched tighter and heat pooled in my belly. I wanted Ryan to fuck me. I was ready. I was myself when I was with him. I wasn’t strong enough to pretend that this desire didn’t thrust through me when he was near.

  I didn’t respond. I didn’t turn my head to Ryan. I didn’t need to. He could feel what I wanted by the pulse of my heart, the flush of my skin, the wetness that I knew penetrated my panties—a desire for him. I pulled into Lane and Dillon’s drive, understanding and desperately wanting what we were about to do together.

  Chapter 21

  Ryan

  I pressed my hand to Amanda’s. Our fingertips were interwoven. We walked into the house. Heat crackled around us. We both knew what we wanted. I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. Something bad and potentially harmful to my sobriety. She was doing something that could further damage her relationship with her father. Being together could break our hearts. Amanda would leave at the end of summer. She would wave good-bye to me. She was hell-bent on getting out of L.A. and away from the Industry. But we wanted each other. This desire was a thick overwhelming need.

  I would give all of myself to Amanda. I would risk my life for her. I would risk everything I had to make her mine. I wrapped my fingers tighter around hers. We walked through the kitchen and stopped in our tracks.

  Three people stood in the foyer. Lane, Dillon, and Webber. Webber? We’d just seen Webber a couple hours before. The dogs surrounded them, quizzical expressions on their faces. My heart sank in my chest. There had to be a problem. A big problem. Something was desperately wrong. Dillon’s eyes were hard and his jaw was locked. Lane’s lips pulled down at the corners and her eyes were red-rimmed. I locked my gaze on Webber. His mouth was a grim line. I tightened my grip on Amanda’s hand. Whatever they wanted to tell us was going to be bad. Whatever news they had would rock our world. I wanted to stay in the moment of not knowing. The moment of not hearing the words that were going to alter our lives.

  Amanda looked as though she anticipated a gut-punch that would knock her to the floor.

  “Amanda,” Lane started. Her bottom lip trembled and she caught it under her teeth. Dillon put his arm around her. His eyes settled onto Amanda.

  “There was an accident,” Dillon said. His voice was firm. Amanda’s eyes flicked from Lane to Dillon.

  “On set,” Dillon said. “There was a helicopter accident.”

  Her hand tightened in mine. Webber’s eyes flicked from my grasp of Amanda’s hand to my face.

  Dillon stepped forward. “I’m sorry,”
he said. He pulled his hand through his hair.

  “Sterling?”

  Dillon nodded, “And—”

  “Daddy?” Amanda asked, her voice a raspy deep panic.

  “They don’t know yet,” Dillon said. “They were both on board and the helicopter went down. And, right now …” Dillon’s eyes drifted from Amanda to me to Webber and then to Lane. “Right now that’s all we know,” Webber said. He actually looked human at that moment, as if he actually cared about more than cutting deals. He’d checked the slick salesman act at the door. “They’re looking. We’re getting bits of information. The government has a search and rescue team in the jungle, the studio has flown down some specialists to help out. The crash happened near a ravine and the jungle growth…” Webber paused. He shook his head. “They have to get to the crash site. They haven’t gotten there yet.”

  “But they will,” Lane said. “They are trying to get there and they will.”

  Amanda took a deep breath that shuddered through her body. Lane stepped forward and Amanda fell into her arms. The muffled sounds of tears and sobs echoed in the foyer. I dropped my head.

  Dillon put his hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, man.” He leaned toward me. “It’s bad down there,” he said. “From what we hear, it’s really fucking bad.”

  Amanda

  My chest clutched and I couldn’t breathe. Tears burst from me. No one knew exactly where my brother and my father were. They didn’t know if Sterling and Daddy were alive or if they were …

  I couldn’t even think the worst.

  My chest heaved and my hands covered my eyes. The tears, the uncontrollable tears. Lane grasped me. She pulled back and her gaze met mine.

  “They will find them,” she said.

  I nodded.

  Lane led me first to the couch and handed me a glass of water. She shoved a pill in my hand, and I didn’t resist, I didn’t say no, I simply swallowed and let Lane lead me upstairs.

  I know that I pulled my dress over my head and stepped out of my shoes. I know that I pulled on my eyelet nightgown and that Lane pulled down the covers and put me in bed. I know that the tears kept coming and I couldn’t seem to get them to stop. The mattress dipped. Ryan had one hand on my side and his other hand rubbed my back.

  “Shhh,” he said. “Baby, shhh.”

  I rolled over and looked into his eyes.

  “Stay with me,” I said.

  He nodded. He lay on the bed behind me and wrapped his arms around me. My head rested in the crook of his arm.

  “I’m here, Baby,” Ryan said. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

  *

  Sunlight burst into my room. I opened my eyes. Ryan’s hand lay in front of me. His arms still clasped me close to him. With his hand in front of me a small smile crept over my face, I could feel his warmth behind me, and I scooted closer. Then the memory of last night hit me. Hard in the gut. My heart throbbed with a real pain. Sterling and Daddy. My father and my brother were missing.

  “Hey,” Ryan said, “we’ll find something out today.”

  I’d been to the Amazon when I was little. The jungle was beautiful and mesmerizing, but that giant morass of vines and trees and giant creatures that slithered and crawled was a living, breathing thing. So deep, and so thick, and so dense. The Amazon jungle vibrated with life and unless there was a path through it to the crash site creating a path, I knew, could take days.

  “I hope so,” I whispered. He squeezed me tighter to him and I nestled into his body. The brightness of the morning sunlight didn’t fit my mood. An ache pressed against my chest. What was left of my family was missing. And while my relationship with Daddy might be strange and complicated, he was the only dad I would ever have.

  Ryan pressed his lips to my cheek and then got up from the bed. I sat up and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I had to stay busy. Until I heard something, I had to do something. Bernie was sacked out on the bed and Kong was curled up in a tight ball beside Bernie. They both raised their heads. Bernie bumped his nose against my hand. I stroked my hand down his side.

  “Want some coffee?” Ryan asked.

  I nodded and he turned to the door. He paused and looked back at me. “I’ll be right downstairs. If you need anything you just call. Okay?”

  I nodded. What I needed, right now, he couldn’t provide, but I felt better knowing that he was here for me.

  Ryan

  Dillon and Lane sat in the kitchen, each with a coffee cup in hand. Scorsese and Spielberg lay beneath the kitchen table.

  “Hey,” I said and nodded toward them. I stopped and lifted my hands above my head and stretched. My body ached from not moving all night. I still wore my jeans from the night before.

  “Is she awake?” Lane asked.

  I nodded. “She wants coffee.”

  “How is she? Is she crying?”

  I shook my head no. “Not right now. But she’s sad. Worried.”

  “Of course she is,” Lane scooted her chair back. “I’ll go up. Mathilde made some breakfast for both of you. It’s in the oven.”

  “I’ll take it up with the coffee,” I said.

  Lane and Dillon exchanged a look.

  “What?” I said. “What is it?”

  “We got a call,” Dillon said. “Early this morning. From Webber.”

  My heart rate picked up speed in my chest.

  “There was nothing confirmed and nothing is real yet, but according to the guys down there … in the jungle,” Dillon’s eyes flickered to Lane and then to the floor. He looked back up at me. “It doesn’t look good, Ryan.”

  My gut tightened. I grabbed the back of the chair. Sterling and Steve were Amanda’s only family. “That can’t be right,” I said. “How can that be right?”

  Amanda had already lost her mother, how could she possibly lose her brother and her father, too? She would be devastated.

  “Things with her dad haven’t been right since …” My words drifted off. I couldn’t even bring myself to say it. Since the wedding. Since I’d acted like a complete douche bag and she’d taken the hit for it. Me and my bullshit were front and center.

  “Don’t think about that now,” Lane said. She reached out and clasped her hand to my arm. “Right now, let’s just do everything we can to make her feel better. To get her through this until we know something definitive.”

  “You’re right,” I said, but I knew that no matter what I did I could never make this right.

  Amanda

  The press coverage of the accident was insane. I couldn’t watch TV or be online. I didn’t want to be reminded every five minutes of where Daddy and Sterling’s helicopter had gone down, or how unlikely it was that they had survived. I just wanted to sit and feel horrible and wait. Wait for some kind of real news. Webber called every two hours. I didn’t speak to him. Dillon or Lane or Ryan took his calls. I would hear the ring of a phone and their muffled voices. Then one of them would appear in the doorway with a grim look on their face.

  They’d try to be kind and upbeat, but their eyes gave away what their fake smiles tried to hide. The whole outlook was grim. I showered and dressed and tried to appear as though I was living a normal day in my life. But as the minutes turned into hours, and the hours turned into a second day I knew that the search and rescue, at some point, would turn into recovery.

  Daddy had starred in enough action movies for me to know that.

  Curled on the couch, I held a book open on my lap, but I hadn’t read a word. I stared into space and remembered the last time I’d seen Daddy. The image played over and over through my mind.

  Ryan walked into the family room. Lane had taken him everywhere he’d needed to go today. I looked up and met his gaze at the same instant that I remembered the hard gleam in Daddy’s eyes when I’d told him what I’d seen upstairs on the day of the wedding. How Daddy’s smile, the winning smile that sold tickets and won movie awards had slid from his face, but there’d been no surprise. No upset. Nothing. He’d simply locked eyes with me a
nd said, “Don’t worry, Baby, we’ll take care of it.”

  Ryan stopped just beside me. He reached out and settled his hand on my shoulder. I flinched under his touch. I bit my bottom lip.

  Daddy’s face. The look on Daddy’s face when I’d told him about Ryan and Kiley.

  “The wedding wasn’t the first time you were with Kiley, was it?”

  The color in Ryan’s face drained. The look of concern he wore on his face remained, but now worry flickered in his eyes. Worry with a hint of fear. He didn’t have to answer with words.

  He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out of his mouth. He sat beside me.

  “My memory of the entire six months before the accident isn’t good,” he said. A muscle flinched in his jaw. “That’s not an excuse, just a reality. I’m an addict and I was pretty far-gone. I don’t remember much. But …”

  He looked away from me for a split second.

  “But?”

  “But, I remember more every day.” His gaze locked with mine. “And yes, I think you’re right. Based on the memories that are coming back, I think I was seeing Kiley before the wedding.”

  My heart hammered in my chest and my throat tightened. I closed my eyes. Why was I surprised? Hadn’t I suspected as much? I was a smart girl. A gulp of air filled my lungs. A sick feeling twisted hard in my gut. I didn’t want Ryan on me or near me or touching me, since he’d been doing those same things to Kiley. I loathed her. I loathed what she’d done to Daddy. I loathed what she’d done to my relationship with Daddy. I loathed what she’d done with Ryan. And right now I loathed Ryan for having done things, intimate things, with her.

  “I’m sorry,” Ryan said.

  I wished that I could accept his apology. I wished that I could say that what had happened in the past didn’t matter to me. I wished I could say that I was a big enough person to know that his actions as an addict didn’t represent who he was as a sober man. Logically my mind understood that Ryan before rehab was a completely different person than Ryan after rehab.