by M Dauphin
She nods silently. "How'd you get caught?"
"I was in a yuppie town where police responded faster to a call about a cat in a tree than a triple murder in the Bronx. When shit popped off, cops swarmed fast."
"Where was the party?" Her head turns toward me and her expression is showing interest but full of concern.
I bite my bottom lip, my hands make the steering wheel creak as I grip it so tight my knuckles are white. "Ithaca New York."
"When was the party, Travis," she whispers, her eyes narrowing.
"Years ago. Right before I got locked up. I was a dumb kid, Blue." I touch her shoulder as my heart sits in my throat.
"Exactly, Travis," she whispers, pulling away from me. "You remember. I know you do. When exactly was this party in Ithaca?"
"Uh…" I stare out the windshield but start to zone. As a car honks, she gasps and I shake out of it. "I got locked up ten years ago."
"The fucking party, Travis! When was the party that got you locked up?" Her hands are fisted in her lap and her eyes glaring at me like she can actually see me.
"It was a day in January. The twenty-third or something. It was cold as shit, I remember that."
"How many years ago, Travis?" Her teeth are clenched and I know she's losing her cool. "Tell me. How many fucking years ago."
Stopped at a red, I rub my eyes before looking up at her apartment building that's only two blocks away. "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Want to stop at the bistro?"
She doesn't say anything for a few minutes, but when she does, her voice is full of hurt. "You can't even confide in me? It's like you don't trust me or something…" When she trails off I park the car and her door swings open. It's only a second before she jumps out and slams it closed.
"Chuck, I did fucking confide in you," I quietly say as I catch up with her, opening the building door for her. "I told you why I'm in witness protection. None of this shit should have even come out." I jog behind her while she storms up the stairs, and I'm grateful Frankie's at work right now or she'd be butting in in no time. Charlie flings open her door and stomps into her apartment, dropping her bag and spinning toward me.
"Please, Travis. Just tell me how many years ago this party was," she whispers wiping her hands and that's when I notice her hands are shaking. "I…I need to know. Exactly. How many years ago."
I walk around her toward the refrigerator, looking for food and buying time. "Why do you need to know that? Does the time I've had to repent change anything?"
"Was it icy that night, Travis?" she blurts as she slams her hand down on the island. "There were a ton of people there, wasn’t there? Huge, two story brick home? God awful red paint inside? And the stairway, on the right of the doorway? Is that the one you and your crew had to blow through in order to get the money?" A laugh trickles from her. "Please, for the love of God, tell me that wasn't you at that party." I watch tears well in her eyes before she squeezes them closed. "Please tell me that wasn't you."
I stare at her, the refrigerator door still open and in my clutch while she wipes at her face, trying to fight back what looks like might be a waiting sob.
"Blue." I walk toward her and when I touch her she steps back. It's all out except for this last piece…and I can't lie to her. "That was the party," I whisper.
A whimper escapes and she covers her mouth with a shaking hand, tears start pouring. After sniffling she manages to say, "You know I went to that party that night with Frankie. I left that party…hell I don't fucking remember leaving that party," she growls, backing away from me. "I just know when I woke up, my entire goddamn world was black and it's all because of you…you," she cries and covers her face long enough to collect herself to say, "What happened at that party ruined my life."
"I'm so fucking sorry, Blue." I try to grab her but she forcefully shoves me, hard enough that she stumbles back against the wall. "Charlie—"
"No! You… Who are you? How the fuck does something like this happen? Did you find me and feel bad for what happened and in your sick mind try to make it up to me? And this!" Flinging her hand up, she yanks the ring off with a small struggle. "This was all just a game to you, wasn't it? Feel bad for making this girl go blind because of your fucked up life in the past so you make her fall in love and think everything's okay?" Her hand projects, holding the ring out to me.
I don't even understand where she's getting this shit. Why is she making up this insanity in her head?
"Take it back." The tears streaming down her face and the way her whole body is shaking makes me want to hold her. "Take your fucking ring, Travis! How could you do this?" she screams trying to shove the ring at me.
My mouth hangs open a few minutes. This is never something I would have expected. I never thought this would fall apart as fast as it happened.
"No," I blurt. "No, I didn't find you. I didn't even know who you were, or that some girl went blind that night! All I knew was people got hurt, and because I wouldn't give up my boss, I got held accountable for the injuries and two people that died. I don't know the details, and I sure as hell didn't know witness protection would place me in the same damn fucking state as a girl I fucking hurt!" I scream the last few words as my body starts to shake. "That shit wasn't supposed to happen. But us? We are supposed to happen! I'm not taking the fucking ring back, Charlie. We belong together. And when I found out the details of how you went bind…" I huff, scrubbing at my face. "That was that night at Bev's when I freaked out. I fucking freaked out! I wanted to tell you then, to get it off my chest, but you're not supposed to know any of this shit! And not because I want to keep it from you, but because I want to protect you from the piece of shit I was ten and a half years ago." I curl her fingers around the ring and whisper, "Put your ring back on, Chuck."
Yanking her hand away she mutters, "I feel like such an idiot," and wipes at the tears that are still flowing. "I need you to leave."
"Charlie," I grab her face and she turns away. "I'll leave right now. But don't let this ruin us."
"I think you already made that decision, Travis." She pulls out of my grasp and walks across the kitchen. "You made it ten years ago."
"I didn't know, Charlie! I didn't fucking know. Please don't do this. I'll leave right now. Clear your head for a few hours and I'll come back tonight, Blue." I've never been so desperate in my life and my tone is telling exactly how desperate I am as a knot begins to form in my throat.
"Goodbye, Travis," she whispers with a shaky breath, sliding the ring across the island. "Please take Bev's ring back to her."
I look at the ring before watching her walk down the hall. Touching it, I pause a minute, not sure what to do. She'll never forgive me after finding out the darkness that's been in her life since that party was because of me, but I'll fight for this. I will fucking fix this. My life without Charlie isn't happening.
Leaving the ring, I open the door and lock the handle before closing it.
"There's something wrong with the site, Kevin. It won't load properly or something," I say, walking into his office and falling into the chair.
It's been two days since Travis walked out of my apartment. He tried calling that night. He even tried stopping by but by the time Frankie got home and brought Gus back, I had already spilled everything to her and there was no way she was letting him into the apartment. She hasn't said much about it, and for that, I'm thankful. I've never hurt this bad and felt so numb all at the same time. My life changed when I met Travis…Austin. Whoever the fuck he is! And now it's falling to shit again. He lied to me.
"Site's fine, Charlie," Kevin says a few minutes later. "You sure you don't wanna head home and get some sleep?" His tone pisses me off. There are those kid gloves I hate so much. Kid gloves that Travis stopped using on me and made me fall harder in love with him.
"Why?" I growl, standing up and fisting my hands. "I'm perfectly fine. The site must have just momentarily glitched. Thanks for clearing it up for me." I storm out of his office and head to mine directly across
the hall.
"You doing okay?" Frankie hesitantly asks when I'm about two steps away from my desk.
"Perfectly fine!" I shout. "I'm fine, stop asking me that," I growl and slump into my seat, throwing my headphones on so she thinks I'm working.
It’s day two but it feels like a lifetime. The man made me completely fall for him, all the while knowing he had a hand in the way my life turned out. I was going places in life. And now I'm stuck here.
I haven't made a match in two days. I can't. Nothing is happy or romantic anymore. All I can do is listen to these men on these tapes and pray they aren't murderers or something.
An hour into sitting here and listening to white noise through my headphones I hear a knock on my door.
"What," I snap, taking a deep breath. If this is another one of Frankie or Kevin's attempts at cheering me up, I'm going to flip.
"You have a visitor, babe," Frankie says before I hear her footfalls walking back down the hall.
"Hi," a small voice says that I don't recognize.
"Hi?" I spin in my chair and stand. "Can I help you?"
"This place is kinda cool." Her steps get closer to me. "What do you do here?" Whoever this is, she sounds intrigued.
"Uh…yeah. It is. We're a dating site…" I try to place her voice but it's not one I've heard enough times to remember it. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
"Oh!" She starts to laugh. "It's Violet. Sorry." She's still laughing but I hear the chair next to me as she sits. "I know it's a dating site, Travis told me all about how awesome you are at this shit. But like…how do you do it? Oh! Do you like…base it off like, what they like? Bands, and music, and TV and shit?"
Her mention of his name makes my throat tighten all the way to my chest. I try to hold back a growl but end up grimacing while she rambles.
"You're too young for this, Violet. We work with eighteen and older. I can give you a card if you're interested and you can email me when you're of legal age." I huff, holding out a business card for her. I need her out of my office. I'd take Frankie and Kevin trying to cheer me up over having her here right now.
"Oh." The card is pulled from my hand. "I'm not…do you do gay matches? I think I'm going to be gay. Guys are kind of dicks. But that's not why I'm here, Chuck."
I furrow my brows at her words. Not that we don't make gay matches, but how do you just decide to be gay one day? "Uh… Yeah, sure, we do. But still, too young. I'm pretty busy, can we just get to why you're here?"
"Don't tell Trav I came here, okay? He thinks he's my dad or some shit and if he knows I walked to where the bus picks up, he'll fuckin' kill me." She's silent a minute and I hear the chair squeaking like she's looking around. "So about Trav. I didn't mean to make you break up with him, Charlie. That was a huge bitch thing to do. I really wasn't trying to do that."
I sigh and shake my head, sitting back in my chair. "You didn't make us break up, Violet." I don't want to have this talk with a teenager right now. "Sometimes things just don't work out the way we think they're going to. There were things he didn't tell me that change everything. I don't expect you to know or understand any of that. But I appreciate you coming all the way here to say it. A phone call would have worked too, you know."
"Oh my God, Charlie," she huffs and I hear her crossing the room. "I'm not a little kid. Stop treating me like Travis does. I know why you dumped him. I know what happened. I heard him crying to Bev. Like…literally…crying," she says like that makes him unmanly and I grit my teeth. "Anyway, he loves you so freaking much it's kind of desperate. Anyway, I mean, you probably know Trav better than me, but I believe him when he says he's not the guy that caused this." She's silent then huffs. "Sorry, I was pointing at you but you can't see me. That caused you to go blind. I mean what he did was shitty to the max. But I don't think he meant it then. And he sure as hell is fuckin' dying about it right now." Her voice is getting farther away like she's ready to leave.
"What do you mean he's dying?" I call out, standing and facing the door.
"Not like for real… Well, maybe. He hasn't been back to work on the farm. He's been to Bev's only to get food ‘cause he won't even go to the grocery store. My brother's back in town. I don't know if you know about that situation. Probably because he tells you everything, but I'm still staying at Trav's and if he's not at Bev's, he's been locked in his room listening to the same song over and over. And the worst part? It's Sam Hunt," she says with disgust.
I grin but quickly wipe it off my face because I'm happy he's hurting. That makes two of us.
"I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Violet," I tell her in all honesty. "But it couldn't work between us. Not after what happened."
"Yeah." She’s getting getting closer. "But why? Didn't you love him? You said you'd marry him!" she shrieks like I'm the crazy one.
"I said I'd marry Travis Burr. I don't even know who he really is. Plus he…" I huff and shake my head. "I'm really busy, Violet. I don't have time for this."
"I get it, I'm just a kid. What the hell do I know? Except I know he is Travis Burr. If I can figure that out, you probably should be able to too. Later, Charlie," she mutters on her way out the door.
I huff and fall back into my chair. Just perfect. A fucking teenager thinks she knows more about my life than I do.
By Friday I've lived without Travis in my life for five days. Five of the longest, most pitiful days of my life. I can tell Frankie and Kevin are getting annoyed with me moping around the office, but I know eventually I'll get over him. Right? People get over their first loves all the time.
"Hey, babe, you got a minute?" Kevin knocks on my door and I roll my eyes.
Sliding off my headphones, I spin and paste on a smile. "Yep. What's up?"
"I need you to listen to this video. I think I got the sound fucked on it when I recorded it and it makes him sound like a weeny. I don't know." He chuckles.
"You don't have ears?" I snap as he walks over and sounds like he's setting up shop on my fucking desk!
"Not ones as good as yours." I hear a smile in his tone and I shake my head.
When he hits play I hear the dumb white noise all the videos start with and roll my eyes. "You need to take that shit out, Kevin. People don't want to start with nothing. It's such a fucking let down. You expect something good immediately and you get…shit."
"Yeah, yeah, I got it. It'll be fixed. Just wait for it." He rests his hand on my shoulder and I grumble, adjusting my headphones.
When the first words come through I cringe. "I guess the only thing that I really want to talk about." He chuckles. "Yeah… I'm getting more desperate."
I know that voice.
"Why's he making a dating video?" I whisper, immediately hitting pause. "It took him five days to get over me? Just like that? And you go and help the man make a fucking dating video? He's not getting a fucking date through my business!" My voice is increasing in decibels and I'm starting to shake while I get to my feet.
"Sit down, Charlie," Frankie says from behind me. "Just fucking listen to it."
"Why are you in here?" I snarl.
"Sit the fuck down and put your headphones back on. I'm blocking the door. You're not leaving this office until you listen to it." Frankie's been silent this week. She'll listen to me, she'll let me cry on her shoulder, but she hasn't been her usual, Travis hating self.
I roll my eyes and sit back down, sliding on the headphones and preparing for more heartbreak. I hit play and Sam Hunt's, Take Your Time, starts playing and I immediately feel the knot in my throat growing.
"My name's Travis Austin Burr." He huffs with a chuckle and I find myself grinning at his nervous tone.
"I grew up in the Bronx.
I love the color blue.
My parents died when I was in prison." There's a pause and he mutters the word 'fuck' and though it's already broken, my heart shatters just a little more for him.
"Bev is my family now.
I've never had a serious girlfriend.
&nbs
p; I don't trust easily.
My big brother lives in Paris.
I'm a tattoo artist.
My most important truth?
I love you, Charlie." I hit pause and shake my head, wiping the tears from my face. Kevin's hand gives my shoulder a squeeze and he hits play again before I can stop him.
"But I know the truth I kept to myself,
Hurt you the most.
If you're watching this,
I've fucked up.
I know you're good at your job,
But let me make this match.
I'm sorry I screwed up your life.
I know I can fix it.
Please don't give up on us, Blue."
The video ends and I hear the white noise again.
"You should really take that white noise out, Kevin," I whisper, sniffling and wiping away all the tears that have invaded my face. "It's distracting. White noise is distracting." I huff and stand from my seat, grabbing my purse and continue wiping the tears that won't stop. Walking to my door, Frankie's arms wrap around me.
"I'm so sorry, Charlie. But you needed to watch it. You two love each other too much to be apart. I know you love him…Chuck."
"Excuse me." I push around her.
I need away from everyone right now.
I almost expect Frankie to come after me and attach herself to my side like she used to. If there was one thing Travis did right in these last eight months, it's that. Taught Frankie I don't need a babysitter. I'm perfectly fine on my own.
"You want a beer?" Frankie mutters in bed next to me.
It's been two days of me laying here, only getting up to use the bathroom. After work Friday I came home and crashed, landing right here. I can't eat. I'm not really sleeping, but I can't do anything else either.
I take a deep breath and let it out. It hurts to breathe. Hell, it hurts just being right now.
"Babe, you can't stay here all weekend. You gotta get up. Move around. Gus is getting depressed."
I take another deep breath and curl tighter into the blankets.
It was him. He did this to me. How do I get over that?
