Love That Lasts Forever

by Pat Barrow

  SF “Well, I think their father would deny that.”

  CM “It’s what the children have clearly said.”

  SF “Yes, but surely you can see that the children say whatever you want them to say, they know you’re on mother’s side. They will give you the ‘right’ version, not necessarily the truth.”

  CM “With respect, I’m not on anybody’s side, I just want what is best for the children and here we have a mother and a father who demonstrate that they cannot live close to each other and facilitate the children moving between their two homes. A distance between them necessitates clear cut arrangements for when the children will be with each of them.”

  SF “Let’s turn to Mrs Taylor’s recommendation, her proposal of what should happen in the school holidays. She suggests a 50/50 split of time. Is that reasonable?”

  CM “It would be the ideal as I’ve said in my report, but as I explained, no I don’t consider that it is feasible because she just hasn’t got sufficient annual leave to be able to cover that amount of time. The children attend private school and there is parental agreement that they will remain there in which case they have 14 to 16 weeks holiday a year. I know that Ceri hasn’t got 8 weeks annual leave, so I would suggest that the children spend a substantial amount of time in each of the main holidays and 50% of all the half term holidays with her and the rest of the time with their father in Welshpool.”

  SF “Mrs Taylor is suggesting that they should meet half way. Is that what you’re proposing? That this mother who has randomly chosen to move to the other end of the country now expects her ex-husband, the children’s father, to drive up and down the country to suit her?”

  CM “Let me correct you. Newcastle is where Mrs Taylor spent much of her childhood and of course we all know that the normal arrangement is that parents share the travelling.”

  SF “But she doesn’t have to live in Whitley Bay, does she? She’s chosen to start a new life there and it’s hardly surprising that Mr Taylor wonders whether it is so that she can start a new relationship and gradually push total responsibility for the children on to his shoulders. Just having them to stay when it suits her absolves her of day-to-day responsibility. Surely, you can see that’s what springs to his mind?”

  CM “That is mere speculation, there is no evidence that mother has embarked on a new relationship. She has in fact totally denied father’s frequent suggestions to the children that they are to be marginalised by a new boyfriend.”

  SF “Of course he mentions it to his children simply because he’s trying to help them to understand something which must be beyond their comprehension. Their mother’s walked out on them. She hasn’t put forward any logical reason he’s trying to help his children to make sense of the awfulness of it.”

  CM “The children’s mother has spent a lot of time explaining to them in an age appropriate way why she feels it best for her to move away and how she can ensure that she continues to have a good relationship with them. But – and this is immensely sad for Hetty and Jonty – that is made more difficult if she has first to convince them that what their father has told them is untrue. Of course it’s a tricky situation, particularly for Jonty, because he’s too young to understand that sometimes parents are not entirely fair.”

  SF “Meaning who?”

  CM “Meaning that I think Jeremy deliberately misconstrues Ceri’s motives so convincingly that it looks as though she’s abandoning the children and this only fuels the children’s confusion.”

  SF “You really don’t like Mr Taylor, do you?”

  CM “I don’t like or dislike anybody that I work with. I aim to have a good working relationship with both parents to be fair and to remain neutral so that I can encourage the best outcome for the children and ideally an outcome which is agreed and arranged by them, not imposed on them by the court. Of course I don’t always agree with Ceri or with Jeremy but if they choose to construe that as me not liking them, then that’s unfortunate and it’s even more unfortunate if their mistrust and dislike of me as a consequence is then fed to the children so that they too develop a sense of mistrust.”

  SF “Are you inferring that’s what Mr Taylor is doing?”

  CM “From what the children have told me, I know that is on occasions what he is doing.”

  SF “And you choose to believe what the children tell you?”

  CM "I think that having worked with children for as long as I have, I get a pretty good idea of when they are telling me what they think I want to hear and when they are just recounting what has actually happened and how things are at home. Yes, at times they are critical of their mother and of their father and that is normal and healthy. I don’t sit questioning them, I encourage them to believe that they really can have a good relationship with both parents however impossible that might seem at times.

  Hetty and Jonty love both their parents – that is abundantly clear – and both parents have so much to offer. It is the children’s right to have an unfettered relationship with them both."

  I knew it would be a challenging court case. Ceri’s solicitor had done a superb job encouraging her to paint a very positive picture of her motives for her move to Whitley Bay and her proposals for arrangements for the children. Of course, that had been challenged by Jeremy’s solicitor and the children’s solicitor had been able to encourage Ceri to speak passionately and very sincerely about her relationship with the children and how painful her decisions were for them. I knew that Jeremy’s solicitor would be on the attack but underestimated how easily she unnerved Ceri who struggled to respond to her accusations and assumptions and as a consequence, her arguments and reasoning sounded weak and ill-thought through. It is inevitable that in cases where there is little or no common ground, one or the other of the solicitors will be on the attack as they cross examine me. I remained convinced that Ceri’s desperation to ease the children’s pain and her own clearly had motivated her to make the decision to relocate but it was her own desperation which encouraged her to underestimate just how much the pain of separation would affect the children. She failed to appreciate how Hetty, in particular, would feel bereft when she left Welshpool. I knew that that would be seized upon by Jeremy’s solicitor and I had spent time pointing out to Ceri that whilst her actions were well intentioned, it was inevitable that there would be unfortunate repercussions too. Repercussions which I believe she could now appreciate and was determined to manage as best she could.

  Jeremy had been confident and very sure of himself when he was led through his evidence by his solicitor. He was a charismatic man, well used to public speaking and he knew how to capture attention. But I doubt he had bargained for the wisdom and experience of either the judge, Ceri’s solicitor or Hetty and Jonty’s solicitor. They challenged his negativity towards Ceri, the messages that he was giving to the children and those actions which on the surface were for the children but which undermined Ceri’s arrangements and curtailed the children’s time with her always on the pretext that it was what they wanted.

  As Judge Haines said in her summing up, “Whilst there are many positive qualities displayed by both parents, the pain that their separation had caused the children was long lasting and both needed to take responsibility for that.” But she was particularly critical of Jeremy’s apparent attempts to discredit Ceri, to railroad any opportunities the children had to spend additional time with her and to tightly control the time that they did have so that he was complying with the order but in such a way that there was no wriggle room, nothing extra, it was as though he believed it was a concession for her to have a relationship with Hetty and Jonty and she was quite sure Jeremy did little to discourage Jonty’s reluctance to have contact with mother. Indeed on occasion, it was clear that on the contrary, he would seize those opportunities to present Jonty with impossible choices. In her view, the evidence presented made it highly likely that both children had a fear of displeasing their father.

  She recognised that the move meant that the main car
er would be Jeremy, there was no alternative, the court order had to reflect the reality of the living situation and the amount of free time that Ceri had meant that her time with the children would be ‘contact with’ rather than ‘live with’. She knew that this would be disappointing to her and she wanted to ensure that when the order was drafted that it included an expectation that Ceri would be included in all important decisions about the children. She reminded Jeremy that as the children’s mother, she continued to have parental responsibility and would always have that position in their lives. She considered that meeting at a half way point on each occasion the children were to stay with Ceri would diminish any fear the children may have of one or the other not turning up and she hoped that although it was a very clearly defined order, in the future a degree of flexibility would be possible. She considered that at this juncture, this would not be advisable. She did, however, expect that minor changes would be managed by the parents and would not necessitate a return to court an experience which was emotionally damaging for Hetty and Jonty.

  Chapter 31

  The court hearing was early in July and I knew that it was going to be for two days. I wondered what on earth they would all talk about for so long, surely they could just listen to what Carol said was best for us? But then, I guessed that if Dad didn’t agree, he’d try and argue it his way and Mum would try and argue it her way, but even then, how could they make that last for two days? I just wanted it to be all right. I didn’t want a load of adults to fight about me and Jonty – ‘it’s all your fault’ came this persistent voice in my head. ‘Just go along with Dad and it will be all right, all this nonsense will stop’. It wouldn’t though, even I knew that.

  The court hearing was a Monday and a Tuesday so we weren’t seeing Mum and on Monday after school, I tried to get a sense of how Dad was feeling. He seemed preoccupied and just simply shrugged it off saying, “Oh well, let’s see what happens tomorrow,” but said nothing more and I was left guessing what he was really thinking. Jonty and I talked a bit but I found it really difficult to hear Jonty putting on such a different side when he was talking to me and then to change tack when he was talking to Dad. I tried to make him see that he was being disloyal to Mum but he wouldn’t have any of it, I know now that it was just too hard for him and I feel guilty because I guess I increased his pain rather than making it easier. I wasn’t always the good sister that I liked to believe that I was.

  I was surprised when during my last lesson on Tuesday, I had a message from the school office to say that Carol was waiting to see Jonty and me and that she was coming into school to have a chat to us both. We were nervous, really nervous, what was she going to come and tell us? Why was she at school? I wasn’t expecting this. Jonty’s hand crept towards mine, I held it tight, he needed some reassurance from his big sister and I needed him too.

  Carol came in with a big smile on her face. “Hello, you two. Let’s go somewhere quieter, shall we?” We went upstairs to one of the smaller offices where there were some comfy chairs. It looked out across the playing fields. Carol explained that the court hearing had finished and that the judge had asked her to come and explain to both of us what had happened rather than for us to have to rely on either Mum or Dad telling us. She didn’t explain why but I guess that a bit of me realised that sometimes mums’ and dads’ interpretations of the truth was a bit off the mark and ours were the worst offenders. Carol explained that the judge had made it very clear that we were to see as much of Mum and Dad as was possible and that she wanted arrangements to be fair. But she had to take into account the fact that there was a long distance between here and Whitley Bay and so obviously, visits could only be in school holidays. She went on to explain that we’d be seeing Mum during each of the main holidays and each half term holiday with Mum and Dad meeting half way to take us and to bring us back. In between times, if it was possible, Mum would come down to see us in Welshpool but that would depend on whether she would be able to make arrangements with her friend and as Carol said, if she could afford the cost of the journey. Visits to see Mum wouldn’t be for half the holidays because it was important that she had enough time off from work to be able to take care of us. However, there would be at least two weeks in the summer and a week at other times in the main holidays and half of each half term.

  Carol went on to explain that if Mum and Dad decided in the future that one of them wanted all the October half term and the other wanted all the February half term, then that would be okay but it would be up to them to decide amicably between them, the court wouldn’t expect them to come back to court to make any adjustments. Likewise, if Mum planned to drive all the way to Welshpool so that she could see her friends rather than meet halfway, then maybe Dad would drive to Whitley Bay to fetch us back. It was expected that there would be flexibility and parental give and take which would work around us.

  It all sounded so easy, but that was what it was meant to be like; I guessed the reality was going to be very different. Even at thirteen, I could see that. Jonty immediately said, “What if I don’t want to go? What if I don’t like it? What if I don’t want to leave Dad?” His questions spilled out, a bit of a jumble but nevertheless giving a very clear picture of his confusion and his fear of upsetting Dad.

  “Of course it won’t be that easy for you Jonty, nor for you Hetty,” Carol said reassuringly. “The judge stressed that there’s an expectation on your mum and dad to try to get things right for you and that you’ve both suffered enough and that’s not fair.” Carol made it clear that the judge had heard through her what we were saying and listened to the concerns we’d voiced and had also heard directly from Mum and Dad and what they believed we wanted. Carol explained that parents so often just couldn’t see the situation through their children’s eyes and really believed they knew what we wanted mirrored their own wishes. That had become clear during the two days and helped the judge to understand how painful it was for us.

  The judge’s final decision was based on her analysis of all that she had heard and she had stressed that there was an expectation that everyone would make the new arrangements work. It wasn’t for Jonty and me to have to decide every time we were due to see Mum whether or not we would go. Dad knew what the arrangements were and it was up to him to help us to make sure that it happened. As Carol talked, I felt a sense of relief. Jonty looked okay too. I just hoped with every bit of me that Dad would be reasonable, was that really too much to ask? I couldn’t bear it when he got angry – that’s when to stop the risk of him not loving me I either agreed with him or fell silent – the words I so wanted to say remaining jammed in my throat choking me. Of course, it meant he just went on believing I shared his negative views of Mum. In spite of that, I felt so much better talking to Carol. She was so calm, so reasonable and she knew how both Jonty and I were struggling. She was our life buoy, the one person who would keep us afloat in this raging sea of emotions.

  Carol drove us both home. Dad obviously knew that she was meeting us and that she was explaining the future plans to us. His car was parked on the drive, I was scared, really scared. What was he going to say? Would he be angry? I couldn’t bear that. Would he rant and rave and say nasty things about Mum? “Go on,” said Carol, “go on, in you go.” And with a quick wave, she’d gone. Dad greeted us with a big smile on his face.

  “Come on kids, I’ve done bangers and mash for tea. Beans okay for you both?” He didn’t mention Mum, nor the court case, nor seeing Carol, and so we didn’t either. It just sort of like, melted into the background. I can see now that that’s what he intended, it was just his clever way of gradually erasing Mum, but I didn’t see it at the time, I just felt an enormous sense of relief that he wasn’t angry.

  And that’s how it went on for the next few weeks. He just never mentioned her and so neither did we, it just seemed easier that way. But of course it wasn’t, not really. True, on one level it caused less hassle but all my fears whirred around in my head.

  The date when Mum
was moving came nearer and nearer. Jonty was seeing Mum again but he never mentioned her going and he no longer talked to her in the way that he used to. There seemed a sort of distance between them. Oh yes, he chatted all right but it was all superficial about the stuff he’d been doing at school and at karate and swimming and his best mate. Oh and of course what he’d been doing with Dad and how wonderful Dad was. I used to watch Mum and I saw this sadness in her eyes when she looked at Jonty like she knew she’d already lost him. Could I have done more – was it my fault? At thirteen, I lacked the insight to really understand how it was for Jonty and so I heaped blame upon myself and as I did, my confidence and self-assurance slipped even further away.

  Mum and I did talk. We made the most of Wednesdays when Jonty wasn’t there. She didn’t say much about the court hearing other than she was relieved that the judge seemed to understand why she was moving and had seen how important it was that there was regular contact and for the arrangements to be defined, as otherwise it would be difficult to make them happen. She’d been disappointed that there really had been no choice but for the order to say we lived with Dad. She’d explained, just as Carol had, that we were spending most of our time there so that’s what the reality was, but when Mum told us, I knew that she was bitterly disappointed. She assured us that it was written in the court order that she should play an important part in any decisions about us like schools we attended but the way she said it, I just got the impression she thought she was fighting a losing battle. Like me, she knew Dad was a winner, he never lost and he never backed down.

  20 July is a date that will always remain imprinted in my head – the date that my mum moved away. It softened the blow slightly knowing that we were going to spend the first week of August in Whitley Bay with her although I still had this nagging doubt that Dad would somehow find a reason for it not to happen. I’d said goodbye the night before and so had Jonty, we’d clung to Mum with tears streaming down our faces. I’d wanted to go and wave her off the next day but Dad arranged for us to set off early to visit our uncle for a few days so we weren’t even going to be there. So Mum left Shrewsbury without us. I cannot describe the feeling that I had knowing that my mum was no longer around the corner from school and only half an hour from Welshpool, that empty, empty hollow feeling which Dad was oblivious to. He just seemed really bright and cheerful as though he’d shaken her off, she was an irritating fly and she was gone. He didn’t have to think about her any more, he didn’t even mention her going, he just asked me why I was so miserable. Did he really not know? I couldn’t tell him, that was for sure. What was the point? He’d have laughed at me. I couldn’t bear that. Of course, he must have known, I realise that now – it was part of his plan to quietly erase Mum and to win – just like he always did.