Endless

by Tawdra Kandle

  “So when I told my mom what I had decided, she cried. She was so relieved, she said, and--” He swallowed hard and ducked his head. “And proud of me, for being able to make this choice. But she told me that I had to be sure I could leave it all behind. I could never bring it up to you in anger or use it to hurt you. Everything that went on this past spring had to be as though it had never happened. If I could do that, then we had a good chance of making it.”

  I buried my face in the crook between Michael’s shoulder and neck, surprised to find my face was wet with tears. “I don’t deserve you. Or Marly. But I am so glad you came back to me anyway.”

  He wrapped me in his arms. “I think we don’t deserve each other, but something wonderful in the world brought us together despite ourselves.”

  I kissed his jaw. “This helps, Michael. It really does. But I think I still need to tell you a few things for us to move beyond this whole thing. You may have forgiven me, but I’m not sure I’m ready to let myself off the hook that easily. Would you just listen, let me talk for a minute?”

  Michael hesitated for a split second before he nodded. “Okay. Go ahead.”

  I drew in a deep breath. “I never sought out Rafe. I told you that he figured out that something was going on with Marica and me, and he kept me his eye on me, made me be accountable to him. From the first time we met, I knew he was. . .attracted to me. He never really tried to hide his feelings, even after he knew I could hear his thoughts. So when I thought that you and I—that we were done, that we would never be together again—part of me felt, well, at least I could talk to someone who knew all my secrets and didn’t condemn me for them. And it made him so happy, to be with me, to be—well, dating me, I guess—that I thought I was doing the right thing for him. Someone was in a good place, at any rate, even if it wasn’t me.”

  I watched Michael’s face carefully, sank deep into his mind, waiting for the slightest indication that he was pulling away. There was nothing. He touched my face with just the tips of his fingers.

  “Go ahead. I’m listening.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling a huge chunk of that mountain of guilt and grief I’d been carrying break away and disappear. But there was more. “I did let him. . .I kissed him, Michael. We had some pretty intense—but it never went beyond that. Rafe thought that you and I had been—well, closer physically than we really had been, so it frustrated him that I wouldn’t let him—but I didn’t. It was very. . .” I searched for the right word. “Tumultuous. And never easy. We were always fighting, it seemed.”

  “Do you miss that?” Michael kept his voice low and didn’t stop touching me. “The tumult? The excitement of it?”

  I was shaking my head before he finished speaking. “Not a bit. It was wearing and tiring and painful. I was always hurting Rafe, and that’s another big part of what I’m guilty about now. I didn’t mean to, but I think I broke his heart. And there’s nothing I can do about that.”

  “I’m sorry.” He pulled me close, and the dam burst open. I cried, big, heaving sobs, leaving everything that had happened last spring in a sopping mess on the front of his shirt.

  “Shhhh. It’s over. I’m here, and you’re here. And we go together from this place. You’re right. I should have told you about those few days from the beginning. . .but I thought it was better not to talk about it. I wasn’t thinking about it, not consciously. But let me be clear from now on. I forgive you, Tas, for anything at all that happened, for anything you think might need my forgiveness. I’m not making excuses for you. I love you, as you are. Always. I know we won’t always have it easy, but I’ve tried life without you, and it’s not an option. From here on, I’m all in.”

  I raised my face to kiss his cheek. “I love you, too. No matter what, being without you doesn’t work for me, either. So you’re stuck with me.”

  Michael scooted me closer to him. “So do you think you’ve released that guilt?”

  I smiled as I heard the direction of his thoughts. “I think so. But of course there’s only one way to really test it.”

  Michael rolled his eyes. “The things I’m forced to do in the interest of science. . .” He paused, framing my face once again with his hands before he lowered his lips over mine.

  It was so sweet, so tender, that tears filled my eyes again. I opened to him, so laid bare that I held nothing back. He dropped his hands to my shoulders, then around my back to pull me tighter. The kiss intensified, not losing any of the sweetness but instead taking on a new dimension of need. My heart pounded as I slipped my arms around him.

  Michael shifted, moving so that I lay on top of him, never breaking the kiss. He groaned as I moved my legs over his, pressing into him, trying to be as close as possible. I freed my arms just enough to plunge my hands beneath his shirt, needing to touch skin. Michael echoed my movement, sliding his palms along my sides and up over my back.

  I felt the familiar surge of energy and automatically pulled it back. I captured it and blew out the heat, smiling against Michael’s lips as I realized I had the power under control. As Michael’s hands covered me, moving against my back beneath my shirt, he pulled his mouth away.

  “What? What’s with the smile?”

  I kissed his chin, his jaw and down his neck. “How do I feel?”

  “Incredible. Wonderful. Oh. . .” Realization dawned on his face, and he rubbed his hands against my back again, testing. “Normal temp. No heat, no blisters. And really, really good.”

  I laughed, squirming against him until he groaned again. “I guess Zoe was right.”

  Michael nibbled my ear lobe, making me shiver in delight. “Remind me to send her flowers. A huge thank you bouquet.”

  “Hey, no flowers to other girls, buddy,” I growled, tickling his ribs.

  With a smooth movement, Michael flipped me over so that I lay beneath him. Humor fled as I saw the intensity on his face, felt the love and need and something else indescribable. “Only you, Tasmyn. It’s only ever been you and me. Nothing else. No one else.” He slid his hand over my stomach, and I gasped.

  “Only you,” I agreed. “Ever. And for always.”

  “Judging by that smile on your face, I’m assuming my advice worked.” Zoe raised one dark eyebrow at me as I danced into the conference room on Wednesday afternoon.

  Dropping my bag onto a chair, I grabbed Zoe into a hug. “Yes! It worked. It was wonderful. Oh, Zoe, I haven’t been this happy in. . .” I rolled back my eyes, thinking. “I don’t know how long!”

  “It all worked out then. And Michael?”

  “Michael is amazing. The best boyfriend any girl could have. And everything is perfect between us. Thank you, Zoe! You were right. And look.” I lifted my t-shirt just enough so that she could see my stomach. “No more blisters.”

  In the corner of the room, Cathryn snorted. She was sitting on an antique settee, sifting through a file of papers that were spread on the walnut coffee table. I couldn’t hear what she was thinking, but what she felt was coming through loud and clear.

  I grinned. Now that Cathryn couldn’t push my buttons so easily, picking up on her irritation was a lot more fun. I spied a small crystal bowl of wrapped chocolates on the ornate sideboard across the room. Focusing my energy, I lifted them up and moved the entire bowl through the air, setting them gently down on top of Cathryn’s papers.

  She jumped and dropped the folder she was holding. Raising one eyebrow, she shot me a look.

  “What?” I spread my hands in innocence. “It felt like you could use some sweetening up.” Behind me, Zoe turned a laugh into a sputtering cough.

  “You’re showing off,” Cathryn retorted. “And I’m not in the mood to play. We have too much to do today.”

  “What’s up?” I dropped into the small padded chair next to the settee. “New assignment?”

  “Yes, and this is a big one. I’m not convinced that you’re ready to handle it on your own. But Harley seems to disagree.” Her tone left no doubt as to her thoughts on Harley’s reli
ability in this case.

  “I’ve done missions on my own,” I pointed out. “And I haven’t screwed up anything yet.”

  “You’ve done short-term, one-shot assignments. This is a long-term complicated mission with the potential to be explosive. I know you, Tasmyn. You’re a crusader. You want everyone to have the happily-ever-after you think you have.”

  “I don’t think I have it, I know I do.” But Cathryn’s words reminded me of answers I wanted. “Speaking of happy endings, Cathryn, I wanted to ask you about my first assignment. You know, with the farmer. Mr. Cummings.”

  I felt her alert rise although nothing showed on her face. “What about it?”

  “He sold that land to his nephew, even after what we heard.”

  “Did he? Well, we weren’t there to stop that, Tasmyn. We were only providing a service. What he did with the information was entirely up to him.”

  I bit down my temper. “But did he get the information?”

  “I told you that day, I filed a report and sent it to his lawyer. All of it was in there, what you and I both heard and the future that Fiona saw.”

  “Did the lawyer share that report with Mr. Cummings?”

  Cathryn shrugged. “I have no idea. I assume he would, but after all, it was the lawyer who hired us. The farmer didn’t even know why we were really there. But this is exactly why I have reservations about you taking this assignment. You want to know what happens. You want to make everything right. Sometimes we don’t get that information. Most of the time, actually. We do our jobs and we report our findings, and we move on. If you can’t do that, you’re not going to make it long here.”

  “One of the reasons I agreed to work for Carruthers was the opportunity to help people,” I shot back. “How do I know I’m really doing that if I don’t get the full story?”

  “You are helping, when you do your job and complete the assignment. Can you deal with that, Tasmyn? If not, you better say so right now.” Cathryn closed the folder and slapped it onto the coffee table.

  “Am I interrupting?” Emma stood in the doorway, glancing uncertainly from Cathryn to me.

  “Just two strong females battling for supremacy,” Zoe said. She hadn’t moved from her seat at the conference table and was watching us with steepled fingers below her chin. “Tasmyn and Cathryn are working out some issues.”

  “I can come back,” Emma offered. “I thought I was late.”

  “No, you’re fine, Emma. Come in.” Cathryn stood and gathered the papers. “Let’s all sit down here.” She indicated the table and took a seat at the far end, opposite Zoe.

  “Are you sure you want me to stay?” I stood behind a chair, leveling a questioning look at Cathryn.

  “I don’t care what you do, Tasmyn, as long we’re all clear on the mission. This is a very sensitive case, so if you’re not certain, you should leave now. You can’t listen to the briefing and then make up your mind; what I share here doesn’t leave this room. So, in or out?”

  I only hesitated for a second. In the end, my natural curiosity outweighed my mad at Cathryn. Pulling out a chair, I sat, hands folded on the table.

  “Good.” Cathryn opened her folder and then glanced up. “Zoe, would you close the door, please? And Emma, build us a perimeter, if you would.”

  Interested, I turned to look at Emma. Fee had mentioned this aspect of our friend’s power, but I had never seen it in action. I watched as she drew a deep breath, closed her eyes and sat very still. A moment later, she opened her eyes and smiled.

  “All set,” she said. “Nothing’s getting in or out.”

  “How does that work?” I asked. “Just curious. I’ve never heard of it until you.”

  Emma raised one shoulder. “It’s a component of the broadcasting, I guess. I just visualize a sort of wall going up around us. It keeps people from hearing us—both our voices and our thoughts—and it also stops them from being able to speak into the room. You know, if there were an influencer like me trying to get in here.”

  “Cool.” I smiled at Emma, struck again by the odd new freedom of discussing this kind of ability without worry of recrimination. The only other time I’d had that sort of opportunity and freedom was with Rafe and his family, and thinking of them reminded me of something I’d been meaning to tell Emma.

  “I knew another broadcaster once. She was part of a King family.”

  “Really? I don’t know many. We have just one other--”

  “All right, girls, can we get down to business? You can finish your little chat later.” Cathryn’s temper and tolerance were both short today.

  We’ll talk afterward. Hearing Emma’s words in my mind was an odd sensation, reminding me again of Lucie, Rafe’s cousin. I nodded in reply, smiling just enough to let her know I’d heard without ticking off Cathryn again.

  “I can’t stress enough how important discretion and absolute silence are in this particular case. The details are sensitive, and we’ve been retained on the condition of our ability to keep everything quiet. As you both know, while we always ask you not to discuss our assignments outside of Carruthers, we don’t usually enforce that within the walls of this house. That’s one of the advantages of our organization, the freedom to share things that those with our talents quite often have to hide.

  “But in this situation, your absolute silence is not only requested, it’s required. Nothing leaves the four of us.” She pointed to each of us around the table. “And nothing is discussed without Emma setting a perimeter for us first.”

  “What about reports?” Emma asked.

  “Nothing in writing,” Cathryn said. “Not even encrypted. That’s why we’re meeting in person today, without the usual emails first. You will record your hours and your work, but only in the vaguest terms and under a dummy case name and number. I’ll give you that information once I’ve finished laying out the particulars. But can you all commit to this level of secrecy?”

  Emma and I both nodded without looking at each other. At the end of the table, Zoe laid out her hands, palms up. “Of course, Cathryn. Although I’m not quite certain why I’m involved here.”

  “You, Zoe, are Harley’s concession to my concerns about Tasmyn.” Cathryn speared me with a glance. “As I just said, I’m not entirely convinced she can deal with certain aspects of this mission, and I’m worried about what could happen. You’re along for the ride to make sure that she behaves.”

  I opened my mouth to hotly dispute what Cathryn said, but then shut it without speaking. Cathryn had seen me lose control too often. I couldn’t argue with her there. Plus, it might be nice to have Zoe as part of our team. I might not agree with Cathryn’s rationale, but since her provision for keeping me in line wasn’t a bad thing, I decided not to waste time arguing.

  “Tasmyn, you understand that the circle of secrecy includes keeping Michael out of the loop?”

  This time I gave in and rolled my eyes. “I assumed that when you said ‘Nothing leaves the four of us’. I can count. And yes, I get it. Discretion, secrets, blah, blah, blah.”

  Cathryn pursed her lips. “It might be tiresome to you, but it’s important.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “All right then. I guess we’re ready to tackle particulars.”

  The rest of us sat waiting. I didn’t know about Zoe and Emma, but I was almost holding my breath.

  “Are any of you familiar with the Massler family?”

  If Cathryn had asked if any of us were familiar the Queen of England, I would not have been more shocked. Hearing Nell’s family name was the last thing I expected.

  Cathryn carefully avoided meeting my gaze as Emma spoke. “Massler? Aren’t they the big political family? The one son had some kind of scandal years ago, but then he got involved in charities. Their pictures are always in the social magazines, and they hang out with actors and other famous people.” She smiled, half-embarrassed. “So what? I read entertainment magazines.”

  “I remember Nick Massler and his parents. They live part-time a
round Washington, D.C., but they have a home here in Florida, too. And that’s where Nick got in trouble, I think. Down here.” Zoe glanced at me speculatively. “As a matter of fact, wasn’t it in. . .”

  “King. Yes.” I nodded. “He married into one of the King families.”

  “Tasmyn knows a little more about the Masslers than the rest of you might. She’s actually met Nick, and she. . .knew his daughter, too.”

  “I know his daughter,” I corrected. “She’s not dead.”

  “No,” Cathryn agreed. “But she’s not. . .well, responsive.”

  I ignored that last part. “If this has anything to do with Nell and anything Nick Massler might be trying to do to her—or with her—you can count me out right now.”

  Cathryn sighed. I recognized her air of long-suffering patience and irrationally wanted to dump that bowl of chocolates over her head this time. I caught Zoe’s eye and saw her slight shake of the head. Maybe Cathryn was right; it was a good idea to have Zoe around as my conscience.

  “This actually has nothing to do with Nell, except as she is Nick’s daughter. But your reaction is exactly why I didn’t want you involved.” Her mouth tightened. “It’s entirely about Nick Massler. Can you deal with it, Tasmyn, or would you like to leave now?”

  I thought about Nell’s father and my few interactions with him. I didn’t like him; I hadn’t since the first time I’d heard the story of his marriage to Nell’s mom, the scandal that ensued and his treatment of their only child. But neither did I believe in coincidence.

  “I’m in,” I said. “Go on.”

  Cathryn gave me the barest of nods in acknowledgement and flipped through a few more papers. “So you’ve all at least heard of the Massler family. And you’re right. They are a political family, well known in this state for generations. Nick’s grandfather was an ambassador to Romania, and his father was a United States senator representing Florida years ago. They’re wealthy, influential. . .Nick, as the only son, was expected to carry on and maybe even go further. He’s very intelligent, personable and well-liked.” I snorted at that, but Cathryn pretended she didn’t hear me.