by Lolly Walter
Joe rolled his eyes. “We will. I like the carousel, though.”
“Reminds you of your dad?” Devin figured that was a safe guess.
“We went to a carnival when I was seven or so. This was the only ride I wasn’t too scared to ride. We must’ve ridden the horses fifty times. My dad never complained.”
Devin wanted to ask where the carnival had been. He doubted it had come to Austin. Joe must’ve traveled before. Jealousy skittered through Devin’s thoughts before he pushed it away.
“Good to see you two kissed and made up,” Roxy said, walking between their horses. “Trig and I saw you puke on Boggs — epic, Dev — but we saw you fighting, too. I’ve never seen Joesy get so worked up over anything. Consider yourself something special.”
“I don’t think getting Joe pissed makes me too special.”
Roxy winked and walked on, her long hair swaying across her back. She met Trig a few horses ahead and let him haul her into a carriage. Wanting to share a laugh with Joe that Roxy had so misinterpreted their interaction, Devin turned sideways on the horse and caught Joe staring straight ahead. A slight smile played on his lips, and maybe it was the carnival lights, but a faint pink hue covered Joe’s cheeks. Devin enjoyed the sight until he remembered the little bump on his hip.
He rubbed the spot through his jeans but couldn’t feel anything.
With a jolt, the ride began to move, and Devin’s horse bobbed up and down. Lively, galloping music played, and the carnival whirled beyond the platform of the carousel. Colors and faces blurred until, instead of individuals, they became a mass of one being, all happy and shiny and loud. Devin threw back his head and laughed. He looked left, hoping to see Joe enjoying the ride, and caught Joe watching him.
Joe’s parted lips and the darkness in his eyes sent a clear message. His body screamed “Want, want, want!” and it made Devin hard.
He reached out his hand, and Joe took it. The blurred being beyond the ride faded, became background to Devin’s desire for the man next to him.
They stayed that way, hands linked, staring into each other’s eyes, until the ride slowed and stopped. Devin dismounted first, sliding off his horse and into the space between his ride and Joe’s. He tugged Joe’s hand, and Joe came, dropping awkwardly onto the carousel floor and into Devin’s arms. Devin pushed his advantage, levered Joe backward until he was trapped between Devin and the horse.
The surprise wasn’t that Devin did it; the surprise, at least to Devin, was that Joe let him. His partner bent, soft and pliant in his arms, and when Devin pressed their hips together, Joe hissed and returned the favor.
Devin’s throat closed so tightly he could barely speak. “I want you.”
“Papi, yes.”
Joe rocked his hips, and Devin’s eyes slipped closed. When he opened them, intending to find Joe’s face and kiss him into blissful oblivion, he noticed the blurred mass beyond the carousel had separated back to individual objects and people. And one person watched them.
Victor’s hands cupped Bea’s breasts, and his mouth roamed her neck, but he didn’t exist in her world. Neither did Devin, really. Even though she stared right at him and he at her, he could tell she didn’t see him. Her face was unguarded, with none of her usual defensiveness or anger. Devin could see the person who’d been Joe’s friend, the one he’d cared enough for to sleep with. But she was more than Joe’s old partner; she was young, and she was afraid.
Devin saw it in her wide eyes and shaky mouth. Not anger or jealousy. Not resentment from losing her place in the company. Fear. The quiet kind that seeps into your bones. It wasn’t the white and paralyzing stuff Devin had felt when Tanner had been shot or when he’d died. It was the fear that had gripped him when he saw the streak of blood on the carpet where he’d dragged his brother inside. It was the way he’d tried to hold himself so the scavenger who’d brought him to Flights of Fantasy wouldn’t realize he was a stupid little kid with no idea how to survive. That was Bea, right now.
“What is it?” Joe’s hands were on Devin’s chest, and where they’d been pulling him closer, they pushed him away. The heat in his eyes had faded, replaced by concern.
“Bea. She’s watching us.” Telling Joe about the fear on her face would have been an invasion of her privacy, almost.
Joe sighed. He was already loosening Devin’s arms from around his body. “Come on. Let’s ride the Ferris Wheel.”
***
By the time they reached the Ferris Wheel, Joe regretted how carried away he’d gotten on the carousel. It was one thing to want Devin, but something else entirely to give in to the desire. He wanted their relationship to be special, wanted Devin to be more than just another fuck.
Devin didn’t seem to have the same concerns. Joe had spent the entire walk from one ride to the other shutting him down. He’d had to untangle their hands, remove Devin’s arm from around his shoulders, move it off his neck, his shoulder blades, the small of his back. When they reached the front of the line for the ride, Joe wriggled and twisted and fidgeted to dislodge Devin’s hand from his hip. Devin growled and slapped Joe’s ass, right on the most threadbare spot of fabric.
Joe squeaked and jumped, then punched Devin’s chest. The sleepy-eyed carnival worker rolled her eyes and gestured them inside the fencing surrounding the Ferris Wheel. They passed one of the stored-solar converters that provided the carnival’s electricity before coming to a stop in front of the ride. The egg-shaped carriage swayed as they stepped in, and it vibrated when the woman snapped the base into position. A bar slid in front of them, snug against Devin’s thighs but easily clearing Joe’s lap.
“You’re too tall,” Joe said.
“I want to get off.”
Already rather evident. “Ha. Yeah, I know.”
“No, douche. I mean I want to get off this ride.”
Joe couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He shook his head. “No.”
“Excuse me, miss?” Devin leaned forward to get the ride lady’s attention, and the contraption swayed heavily. He jerked back in his seat. “Help me call the lady, Joe. I want to get out of here.”
“Oh, my God. No.”
“What happened to ‘I’ll protect you, Devin. I’ll take care of you, big guy,’ huh?”
Joe slid his hand down his face and gently headbutted Devin’s cheek. “I am taking care of you. You’re nervous because you’ve never ridden this ride, but you’ll love it once we start moving. Sit still and try to relax.”
“You’re making me do this because you’re still mad at me, aren’t you?” The ride started, and it was Devin’s turn to squeal. He muttered “Fuck this,” and grabbed Joe’s hand with both of his own and held it over his heart. The ride stopped, and their basket swayed. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”
“Shut up, papi. Someone will hear you acting like a baby. You need all the tough guy credibility you can get.” Joe tried to pull his hand away, but Devin tugged it higher and kissed each knuckle over and over. Joe sighed. “I’ll let you hold my hand, so you can calm down. The ride’s stopped so it can load passengers in the next car. Once all the cars are loaded, we’ll move continuously, and as long as you don’t shift your balance, our car won’t shake as much. And I’m not mad at you.” He hesitated. What Devin had said after the run-in with Candy had been frustrating. “Sometimes I wish you understood better that I’m doing what I have to, working at Flights of Fantasy, ‘entertaining’ Boggs.”
Joe shrugged and angled his head away from Devin before going on. “I’ve always at least felt honest in the way I made a living. And I like to think there’s some dignity in making the clients happy and keeping myself alive, becoming a leader, being respected. Then you showed up, and I wanted to protect you, keep you safe. At first it was because you’d make me money. Now it’s more than that.”
More than that.
Devin pressed Joe’s knuckles to his lips again. The Ferris Wheel moved, loading more passengers, and Devin tensed but didn’t cry out.
“So anyway,” Joe continued, the words something he had to get out. “I never minded what I was doing. Sex wasn’t a big deal, and that’s all it was. But then you come along and I want you and I want you to approve of me. But you have to watch what I do for a living, and that makes it dirty and shameful. I can’t stand it, you seeing me whore myself out. It’s even worse, makes me sicker, that you have to do the sexual stuff, too. I want something better for both of us.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’ve done nothing wrong.” Joe shook himself, freed his hand from Devin, slid it over his curls, and twined their fingers again. “Let me tell you about the thing on your hip.”
“Do you want to touch it again to make sure it’s still there?”
Joe leaned forward and back, and the carriage rocked with his movement. “Behave. That thing on your hipbone is another chip, one for identification, and it’s why Boggs waited until you were eighteen, a consenting adult, to start sending us sexual clients.”
“I don’t follow.”
“White people in New America, those with the right genetic makeup, are full citizens. Assuming you’re born in an American state or territory, you’re fitted with a chip shortly after birth. It contains your name, parents’ names, date of birth, security clearance, and place of residence, along with probably other stuff I don’t know anything about. The chip proves you’re entitled to rights and protections under the law. The rest of us, those of us who aren’t white, we don’t get the chips. We’re not full citizens.”
“Why? You were born in Austin, too, right? Isn’t that part of New America?”
Joe pinched his mouth into a thin line. The cruelty of a government that turned its back on its citizens, that sorted them based on something as meaningless as skin color and DNA, still shocked him. ‘With liberty and justice for all.’ What a lie that had turned out to be. “Yeah, I was born here, just like every other runner. But a while ago, when resources started getting scarce, the government decided that there wasn’t enough to go around. They narrowed the group of people who could be citizens. Black people, Latinx people, we were the first to get dropped from the list. Boggs says the government removes the chips of men they suspect of being gay. A scavenger told me women aren’t allowed to get the chip anymore, either.”
“That’s horrible.”
“Yeah, and since we aren’t citizens, we aren’t protected under the law. Boggs can do whatever he wants with us, at least as long as he can prove we agreed to work for him.”
The Ferris Wheel spun, and Devin laid his head back and gazed at the sky. Joe mimicked him. For a moment, the view was obscured by the carriage ahead of them, but then the stars burst into view, hazy and dull through the thick, murky atmosphere, but still there, still worth seeing.
Devin turned his head to Joe. His eyes shone. “I feel sick. I never knew.”
“No puking.” Joe tried to smile. “Don’t tell people. I don’t think most of the runners know about the chip and how you have rights they don’t. It wouldn’t be a good situation if they found out.”
“No, and it wouldn’t serve any purpose, knowing some asshole government makes such dumb rules.” Devin wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. An eyebrow raised. “You’ve felt that chip of mine before.”
“I, um, yeah. I found it when you were asleep.” Joe had to be blushing. Fast and embarrassed, he finished talking. “The chips are put in different places for every person, nestled into a bone. It’s meant to help prevent others from stealing it, make it harder to dig out.”
“And this embarrasses you because?”
“It took me a while to find yours. You’re a heavy sleeper, papi.”
Devin squirmed as much as the bar across his thighs would allow. “You’ve been feeling me up while I sleep?”
“No!” Joe shook his head fiercely. Oh, God, so mortifying. The carriage lurched again. “I mean, not like, sexually. I only touched skin where there was bone underneath. Me looking for the chip isn’t as creepy as it sounds when I say it out loud.”
Devin laughed. He let go of Joe’s hand and locked his fingers behind his head. “So all the while you’re pushing my hands off you during the day, you’re also groping me in the dark?”
“Not sexually!”
“God, Joe, you should see your face. You look like a tomato. Shit, would touching be so bad? I want you. You want me. Why turn me down? You can’t seriously think it’s gratitude — why I want you.”
“No, not anymore.” Joe had been laughing with Devin, but he sobered and looked at his bony hands. He closed his eyes for a moment, then forced himself to meet Devin’s gaze. “I sleep with everyone. Right? I’ve probably had sex with a thousand people.”
Devin nodded like he understood, but the shock on his face gave him away.
“Before you came into my life, it was nothing special, being with someone like that.” Joe tightened his grip on the safety bar in his lap. “But you’re special, Devin. You matter to me. I don’t want to cheapen what we have by screwing you because you’re horny, like clients or Bea or… other people. If I have sex with you, I want it to matter.”
“I’m sorry I slept with Ebony. I was so stupid, denying how I wanted you. I’d give anything to go back in time and beg you to be with me instead.”
“It was better that way. You were training for a job, and that’s not the way I want us to be lovers.”
Devin’s voice dropped an octave. “You want us to be lovers?”
The Ferris Wheel moved in earnest now. All around, the lights and sounds came closer and retreated as the wheel spun. No part of Austin seemed alive, except for the tiny bubble of their carnival.
Inside the bubble, Joe’s heart pounded. Time for more truth. He met Devin’s eyes, hard and dark and sure. “Yes.”
“Stop kissing other people. Even if you have to have sex with them, only kiss me. I’ve never kissed anyone, and God, Joe, I want it to be you. Please.”
The begging worked. Joe kept his gaze steady as he cupped the back of Devin’s head, rested his elbow over Devin’s heart, and pressed their lips together, soft and sweet and short.
Devin groaned and pulled at Joe’s shoulders. “Kiss me for real, you fucker.”
Joe shook his head and laughed. “Someday. You threw up half an hour ago and haven’t had a chance to brush your teeth.”
“I hate you being practical.”
“I hate your puke breath.”
Devin kissed Joe’s temple. “After I brush my teeth, then? Tonight? In bed?”
Tempting.
“If we kiss in bed tonight, we won’t stop.” Joe wrapped Devin’s arm around his own shoulders and curled into his side. “We’ll kiss more the next time we’re alone in a place where we can’t have sex. Can you wait?”
“No, but I will, lover.”
Joe snorted at the stupid endearment and rested his head against Devin’s neck. Devin snuggled in closer. The warm breeze rustled their hair. The world rose and fell with the revolution of the Wheel. Joe had never been so happy.
Seven
Insistent pounding woke Joe. Early morning light streamed through his windows. The familiar weight of Devin’s torso bound him to the bed. Joe raised his head and slicked his hand down Devin’s sweaty back. He wasn’t sure how they’d manage when the summer came; they both gave off so much body heat. They’d be puddles, but he wasn’t about to change the way they slept. Waking to Devin’s head on his chest, leg between his own legs, and heavy morning wood pressed into his thigh was worth a lake of sweat. His head dropped back to his pillow while his hands traveled over Devin’s expansive shoulders.
His eyes fluttered shut, and he drifted, thinking about how he’d be able to kiss Devin sometime today, how he’d make it better than it had been last night.
Someone was calling his name. On top of him, Devin shifted and kissed his chest. The pounding came again. On his door. Someone was pounding on his door and calling his name. Joe hugged Devin closer.
�
��Joe, get out here!”
“Go away!” Devin yelled.
The banging didn’t stop, though. It got louder and more frantic. Joe woke enough to roll out from under Devin and grab his jeans from the night before.
“Ignore them,” Devin mumbled, but he was crawling off the bed and onto his feet, too.
Joe unlocked the door and opened it as Devin hitched up his jeans and scrambled behind him. As Joe heard the zipper rise, he found himself face to face with Bea.
Her curly blond hair was free-flowing and wild, and her mouth was set in a grim line. “Nina’s gone.”
She grabbed Joe’s wrist and pulled him into the main room. When they’d reached the room’s center, she dropped his hand and stepped away.
“What did you say?” Devin asked.
Bea repeated it, but Joe didn’t need to be told twice. He swept the room, where most of the runners milled about, tight-bodied and whispering. Ebony, huffing and sniffling, her arms crossed over her chest, sat on her bed being comforted by Roxy and Marcus.
Joe knelt in front of her. “What happened?”
“Someone took her, Joe. I don’t know. Oh, my God, please, please help me find her.” Ebony launched herself forward and latched onto Joe’s upper arms. Her red-rimmed eyes, desperate, wild, darted everywhere. “You know who did this. Get her back.”
He had a sinking feeling Ebony was right; he knew who had taken the baby. “Have you checked the other rooms, the other floors?”
“Zeke and Trig are checking everywhere now, going to all the other floors,” Marcus said, his round brown eyes shifting restlessly from Joe to Bea and back again.
Joe patted Marcus’s knee. In the harsh grip Ebony had on him, he couldn’t stroke her hair like he wanted. He settled for cupping the back of her arms. “When was she taken?”
“During the night, I was walking her because she wasn’t sleeping. I took her in the hallway, down to the cafeteria. All I remember is someone coming up behind me, putting a rag over my face.” Ebony cried while she talked, her words coming out breathy and hesitant. She let go of Joe and retrieved her tennis shoes from a crate near her mattress. “I woke up this morning on the cafeteria floor, and she was gone. Oh, God, my baby’s gone.”
