Dry Run

by Lolly Walter

  “I wish you’d talk,” Devin murmured into Joe’s hair. “I know you’re hurting, but shutting me out isn’t helping.”

  “Not much to say,” Joe whispered. He hooked his upper leg tighter over Devin’s hip and tucked his ankle between Devin’s thighs. The warm skin there heated his freezing toes. Devin should have flinched, but he didn’t.

  “There’s a lot to say. I’ll wait for you, Joe, I promise, but this isn’t good for you.”

  “It’ll pass. I’m glad you’re here.”

  Devin wrenched his hold even tighter, so tight Joe could barely breathe, and kissed his crown over and over again.

  Quiet knocking on their door had Devin rolling Joe onto his back, kissing him, forehead and temple and cheek and lips, then sliding out of his arms and onto the floor. Joe dragged himself upright.

  When Devin opened the door, Bea stood on the other side. She’d taken to wearing those ratty old sweatpants every chance she got. It had to be a comfort thing, not an ex thing. Joe had expected her to be the one to take charge of the group. After all, she had run on the A+ team. She was older. The runners admired her. She’d liked the leadership and adoration that had come with having her star attached to Joe’s. Besides, becoming the unchallenged leader of the group would have stuck it to him. But she hadn’t done it. When Flix had first come forward, timid hands holding block assignments for the searchers, and looked to Bea for guidance, she’d nodded toward Trig and Roxy and walked away.

  Tonight, Bea’s head was bowed, her shoulders slumped. Her bare feet shifted on the cold floor.

  “Hey, Devin,” she said. “Can I speak to Joe?”

  Devin opened the door farther and stood to the side. When Bea passed in front of him, Joe was shocked to realize the massive size difference between the two. The top of Bea’s head hit Devin mid-chest. The whole width of her body could fit on one side of Devin’s shoulders. Even her hips, full and round, didn’t outstrip Devin, whose body tapered sharply from his shoulders. The contrast gave Devin the illusion of strength, Bea of weakness. Devin may be strong, but Bea wasn’t weak.

  Joe sat up straighter and gave Bea his attention. It was the least he could do.

  “What’s up, BeaBea?”

  “I…” She stopped when Devin moved behind her. “Can we talk privately?”

  Devin was standing near the window they used as their bathroom, staring outside. Joe knew he was trying not to intrude. When Bea asked for privacy, Devin turned and headed toward the door.

  “Wait!” Joe wasn’t as worried as he had once been that Devin would be harmed by the other runners. Many of them seemed to like the guy, at least as long as they saw Devin as he was, not as what he represented. But still, Joe didn’t like letting Devin out of his sight, especially not when other runners might harm him due to their resentment of Joe. “Stay, Devin.”

  At the same time Bea said, “Joe…,” Devin said, “It’ll be all right. I’ll sit on the sofa nearest our room. Don’t lock the door. I’ll be back as soon as she’s done.”

  Joe wanted to argue, but he wasn’t prepared to undercut Devin’s wishes in front of Bea. Devin knelt next to him, kissed his lips chastely, then rose and left, shutting the door behind him.

  “He’s falling in love with you.” Bea stared at the space where Devin had been. She turned back to Joe and jerked her head to the side. “I recognize the symptoms.”

  “I’m not talking with you about Devin.”

  She sat on the mattress next to Joe’s feet. “It’s so easy to fall. You make it happen so fast and painless. People walk in here alone and afraid, and you’re this beacon, beautiful and calm. Steady. Smart. You make us feel safe. We believe in you.”

  Bea’s quiet voice held no hint of accusation. But every word hit Joe harder than those punches Zeke had thrown or the glass of the window the day Bea had shoved his head into the pane.

  “I see you clearly now, Joe, and in a way, that makes losing you easier. You’re not some god among us. You’re not perfect. I could have loved all of you, though, if you’d only given me a chance.”

  “Why are you here, Bea?”

  Bea brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “Boggs took the kid. What do you think he did with her?”

  “Boggs says he didn’t take the baby.” The lies weren’t getting any easier.

  “You know he did, but I’ll let it go. Hypothetically, you asshole, what would he have done with her if he’d taken her?”

  “Hypothetically. He would have gotten her out of Austin right away. No sense taking chances to keep her here and out of the hands of a buyer. If Boggs took her, we’ll never see her again.”

  Bea nodded, like she’d gotten the answer she expected. She absently petted Joe’s foot then rose from the bed and headed toward the door.

  “Bea?”

  Bea fixed her eyes on his. They’d once been so warm and inviting, back before Devin came. Back before Joe had ruined their relationship. Now, her eyes were empty, devoid of all emotion.

  Joe had nothing to go on besides a suspicion in his gut. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

  “You’re hiding in here because you think you’ve lost something — leadership, respect, I don’t know. Maybe you have. Or maybe you’re giving it away by refusing to lead, Joe. But here’s the thing: They’re all mad at you, but not for the reasons you think.

  “None of them really believes you took Ebony’s kid. It’s not in you, and we all know it. You are too decent, however shitty you treated me. It’s not that. And no one blames you because your stepmom was a monster or because you screw the boss to get us perks. They’re mad — we’re mad — because you were untouchable, our hero, all those things I said before, and we all loved you a bit. Each of us came to this shithole of a place scared and starving, bruised and scarred. We all had horror stories. And you held our hands and listened and made us feel better. But never, not to one of us, did you ever let us in. You didn’t tell us that your life was just as horrible as ours, that you were scarred, too. You let us believe you were different.”

  Bea reached for the door and put her hand on the knob. “We would have helped you. We would have loved you anyway, you arrogant ass. But you didn’t trust us, couldn’t lower yourself to our level. That’s why they’re mad.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” He didn’t. Mentally, Joe stuffed everything, every true, miserable word Bea said into the file in his head labeled “Ways I Have Let People Down.” The space was overflowing. Much more and Joe wouldn’t even be able to think.

  “There’s nothing you can say, at least not to me. Things are wrecked between us in a way that can’t be fixed. You might stand a chance with the rest of them, though.” She smiled, far-off and sad. “But most of all, you might want to try to be a more open person for the next schmuck who’s fallen in love with you. Kind of looks like you love him back.”

  Bea walked out and left Joe alone.

  ***

  Joe slept fitfully that night, his dreams punctuated by terrifying moments where his stepmother scratched her nails down his back and Bea sneered and Devin told him he could never want, never love, such a sick little whore. He’d wake sweaty and shuddering, Devin’s big body pressing him into the bed, and he’d burrow tight into his partner’s warmth. Eventually, his breathing would slow and he’d fall asleep once more, but never for long.

  Near daybreak, he woke from another nightmare to the weight of Devin’s erection heavy on his thigh. Erections happened first thing in the morning. It didn’t mean anything. Devin was sleeping. In all likelihood, he wasn’t dreaming anything particularly arousing. Any other time, Joe would have ignored it or rolled Devin off him if it was keeping him from sleeping. This time, he rubbed his leg along the hardness, slow and smooth, until Devin pushed his hips against Joe’s leg and let out a quiet moan.

  Joe pushed Devin onto his back and climbed on top of him. He’d been denying himself this pleasure for so long. After the restless night, the
nightmares, Bea’s honest, gutting words, Joe didn’t want to wait. He needed. Needed something to fill the void that had gnawed at his stomach for days. Devin would leave him anyway, sooner or later, because Joe was messed up, emotionally distant, just like Bea had said. He may as well enjoy having a lover while he could.

  He worked his lips and tongue over Devin’s neck, sliding up from the hollow above his clavicle and along his jaw until he reached the spot under Devin’s ear. His teeth slipped around Devin’s earlobe and bit gently.

  “Papi, wake up. I want you.”

  Devin mumbled and cupped a hand to the back of Joe’s neck. When Joe kissed his lips, Devin giggled but moved too slowly to return the kiss.

  Joe moved on, kissing down the other side of Devin’s neck and scraping his teeth back up his throat, his tongue slicking the way, tasting Devin’s sweat. He ground his ass into Devin’s body, begging for more participation.

  Devin’s hips jumped. His hand moved from Joe’s back to his waist, and he thrust a few more times.

  “That’s it, papi. I need you.” Joe kissed Devin’s mouth hard, using his tongue to push his way inside. Devin rolled them over and returned the kiss, fierce and passionate. Joe gasped and wrapped his legs all the way around Devin’s hips, his toes digging into the backs of Devin’s thighs.

  “Shit!” Devin pulled back, eyes open, his wet lips rounded into a large O. “Your feet are freezing.”

  Joe dropped his feet to the bed and tugged at Devin’s shoulders. “I’m sorry. Don’t stop, please.”

  Even as Joe said it and ground their groins together, Devin sat up. “Why are you doing this?”

  “I want you.” Joe reached for his chest, but Devin pushed the hand away.

  “I know that. But we agreed to wait, to take it slow. You’ve barely even kissed me, haven’t talked to me for days, and now you want to fuck?” Devin’s chilly hand snaked up Joe’s thigh. By the time Joe realized what Devin was doing, it was too late. “You don’t even have an erection. Jesus, Joe. Give me a minute.”

  The bed shifted, and Joe made out Devin’s shadowy form as he opened the window. Devin spit into his hand, and Joe threw himself back onto the bed and shuffled around while he waited for Devin to finish.

  When Devin groaned and threw back his head, Joe snapped, “I wanted to do that to you.”

  “You wanted to use me to forget about the shit going on in your head, asshole. I know the difference.” Devin pressed his chest into the window pane, his head turned toward Joe. “Now fuck you for trying that. I’m not going to get so turned on that I forget you won’t even talk to me.”

  “It’s not that simple. I wanted the comfort, yes, but I wouldn’t have touched anyone but you.”

  “Using me for sex would have made you feel worse in the long run.”

  Joe hung his head. Devin was right. Sex might’ve helped for the blissful minutes they’d been engaged, but Joe would have regretted it, and he never wanted a moment of their time together to lead to regret.

  “I’m really sorry. I won’t do that again, papi.”

  Devin shut the window and climbed back in bed. He curled his arms around Joe and drew him close. “I want you to do that to me a hell of a lot, but not like this. Are you ready to talk?”

  “Not yet.”

  “But someday?”

  Joe nodded into Devin’s shoulder. He meant it, too. He would talk. As soon as he figured out how.

  “Okay,” Devin said. “I can wait, for the talking and the fucking. Go back to sleep, Joe. I’ll hold you as long as you need.”

  ***

  Joe and Devin walked back to the Flats after their fourth afternoon spent searching for a baby that wasn’t there. Guilt arced like a waterfall through Joe every time they searched. He hadn’t organized the searches, but he was the fraud who didn’t put a stop to them by telling everyone that Boggs had taken the baby and she was long gone. Seeing Ebony day after day, her face thinner, her skin ashy, left Joe sick with his own betrayal.

  Austin was such a big place. They could search for a year and not hit every street. The runners wouldn’t last, either. The excess time would start to wear on them. They’d lose sight of Ebony and Zeke’s pain. They’d remember the danger inherent in the streets. Joe was surprised the lower level runners had searched this long. This wasn’t their baby, their loss.

  This afternoon, they’d searched downtown, having already combed through about twelve square miles of the city east of the highway. Even if Nina hadn’t been taken out of town, trying to listen for a baby’s cries amid towering skyscrapers, each with hundreds, if not thousands, of rooms that could hide away a baby and block out her sound, highlighted the futility of their plan.

  “Tell me about the biodomes.”

  Devin swung his and Joe’s linked hands. This was his latest tactic to try to induce Joe to talk. Joe both appreciated and resented it. The day was unusually temperate. Couldn’t they just hold hands and be happy in each other’s company?

  “I’ve already told you.”

  “Tell me again.”

  Devin always chose pleasant topics, never too near the big, bad, scary stuff Joe didn’t want to let out. What’s that green stuff they served us in the cafeteria again? How far do you think you could run without stopping? Did you hear that song they sang about John Henry last night? Do you think John Henry was real? What about the biodomes?

  That one was Devin’s favorite. Joe figured the reason was because it came close to the topic of his dad, who’d become off limits since Victor had told everyone the truth.

  Joe sighed.

  “The biodomes are up north, and they’re meant to protect and provide resources for American citizens. There are some in other countries, too. There are thirteen of them in New America. They’re supposed to have abundant food and water, conditioned air like in Boggs’s office, houses for everyone. Jobs, too. The real kind that isn’t about selling your body.”

  “And the closest one is?”

  “In Kansas City, but my dad didn’t think that one would hold. He said the weather was too unpredictable. Tornadoes and stuff. He said Minneapolis was the best bet.”

  “And that’s where he went.”

  “That’s where he headed.”

  “Then that’s where he is.”

  Joe wished he shared Devin’s confidence. For most of the last nine years, he had believed in his father. At first, he’d been too young and naive not to. Even when the abuse with his stepmother happened, his faith in his dad didn’t waver. His years on the streets, with Victor and without, his early time at Flights of Fantasy, he trusted. The last few years, his belief was tested, and he wasn’t sure why he had held onto it, except that it kept him moving forward. Now, with Devin’s big hand warm and alive and wrapped around his own, those old promises of his father’s sounded like fairy tales told to a child. The tooth fairy. Santa Claus. Real only as long as you believed.

  Or maybe there were only so many ways you could have your spirit broken before you cashed it in.

  “You’re doing it again.” Devin flipped his foot up behind them and kicked Joe in the ass.

  Joe rubbed his butt and kept his gaze forward. They were listening, or supposed to be listening, along San Antonio street today. They’d already been north to Martin Luther King Boulevard and south to Cesar Chavez. Now they were passing between the old courthouse and Republic Square, which made Joe think of his last run with Bea as his partner. He moved on from that uncomfortable topic and found himself looking forward to tomorrow, when they’d scour the former University of Texas campus. He had lots of stories to tell about that place. His parents had met there, after all.

  Devin kicked him again.

  “What? What am I doing? Kicking hurts, you know.”

  “So does being shut out when you ignore me. Now listen up, douchebag.”

  As he spoke, Devin looped their clasped hands over Joe’s head and stepped behind him so Joe was wrapped in an embrace, Devin’s chest at his back. It helped soften
the irritating slang. Devin’s chest expanded as he inhaled, and loud popping noises rang out to the east.

  “What was that?” Devin asked, though Joe got the feeling he knew.

  “Gunshots.”

  Devin’s hand tensed in Joe’s. Joe listened, waiting to see if more shots echoed around the city. Up ahead, a pair of runners darted east. They were followed twenty seconds later by another set of runners. Joe waited.

  “What are we waiting for? Shouldn’t we go back to the Flats?”

  “Yes, but I needed to see if there were more.” Joe spun out of Devin’s arm and started walking. “Sometimes it’s smarter to wait to see if the gunfire continues, if it’s moving, what direction it’s moving, et cetera. We’ll walk now, keep an eye out, and reassess if we hear more shots.”

  “I want to run.”

  Joe shook his head. “Running could make us careless, so we’ll only run if we have reason to. For now, we walk up against the side of buildings whenever we can. We’ll follow the other runners.”

  “I want to run up into the hills.” Devin’s normally deep, calm voice sounded an octave higher. His fingers fluttered against the back of Joe’s hand.

  What Joe heard was that he was being abandoned. “I can’t let you, papi. We can’t be separated until I know you’re safe.”

  Devin stopped, their bodies pressed up against a parking garage. He growled, low and angry enough to give Joe chills. “I didn’t mean without you. Have a little fucking faith.”

  “Oh.” Joe was sure his face was burning. He nudged Devin and started forward again. Another shot rang out. “We need to save your anger and my apology for when we’re somewhere safe. Stay close.”

  “If I was any closer I’d have crawled inside your ass.”

  Joe giggled in mortification and slapped a hand over his mouth. “I think you’re having a hysterical episode.”

  “Crawl up in there and wear you like armor.”

  “Please stop talking.”

  “Tanner.”

  “I already figured out your entire vulgar vocabulary came from him.”

  “Tanner got shot and died.”