Bunches

by Jill Valley

  “I-” I cough and my eyes feel heavy. With her free hand Lizzy pats my back. “He did something nice,” she says. “He liked having us there. It was sweet. We had a nice night. Don’t ruin it with memories.”

  I pull away from her. “It’s not like I can help it,” I say defensively. “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

  Lizzy is quiet for so long I’m afraid she’s mad at me. We’ve strolled into a more residential neighborhood, away from the noise, the bars, the restaurants, and the crowds of people. Both Lizzy and I have apartments in houses in this neighborhood. Hers is first, and mine is a couple of blocks past it.

  When she eventually speaks, it’s not what I expect.

  “I think we should have a bucket list,” she says.

  “Huh?”

  “A summer bucket list,” she says. “We went to a bar and you ordered your first drink, that’s a start, but you need to start living. Otherwise. . . .” She trails off, as if the alternative is something horrible. What she refuses to realize is that the most horrible thing already happened.

  “I just can’t,” I say quietly.

  “Yes, you can,” she says. “It’s time you started to forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault and you still feel so much pain I can feel it with you. And it’s hard. Let’s make a summer bucket list. Michael doesn’t blame you.”

  “I know,” I whisper. I do know that it wasn’t my fault. I do know that. I just can’t get past what happened. It feels like I’m betraying his memory every time I try. Every single time I smile, I remind myself that Michael would like to be smiling too, and he can’t, because he isn’t here to smile anymore.

  “Come on,” Lizzy cajoles, elbowing me. I sigh, staring hard at the ground.

  “Okay, a bucket list, but I get to agree to all the stuff on it.”

  I know that’s a small deterrent to Lizzy, but I have to try and set some limits. She’s liable to make me go sky diving or something crazy.

  She starts ticking items off on her fingers. “Here we go:

  “One. Do something you wouldn’t have done a year ago.

  “Two. Dance with a stranger.

  “Three. Smile when it hurts.

  “Four. Go on a date.

  “Five. Forgive yourself.

  “Six. See a concert, like we used to.

  “Seven. Introduce yourself to the hot bartender. He obviously wants your name. Well, actually, he obviously wants a lot more than that.”

  “Okay,” I cut in sharply, holding my hands up in surrender. “I was thinking more along the lines of visit a museum, see a movie once a week, finally get that pedicure.”

  Lizzy glances at my feet as if my hidden toenails offend her, and rolls her eyes. “God, I’m such a terrible friend. How are you ever going to get a guy with feet that look like that?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure they stare at my feet,” I say dryly, cracking a genuine smile.

  Lizzy’s face brightens and she grins along with me. “Good point.”

  “I like the concert idea,” I say. Michael, Steven, Lizzy, and I used to go to concerts all the time, but I haven’t been to one without Michael. I know Steven and Lizzy still go together and even sometimes take other friends, but they stopped inviting me years ago.

  Lizzy isn’t terribly drunk, so she goes into her apartment and I walk home by myself. For once I’m not desperately trying to calm the whirl in my mind. I’m thinking of the eye in the storm, the calm in the chaos. He has gray eyes.

  Chapter Four - JJ

  Summer’s the busiest time at the Remember, and I work a lot. When I’m not working, I hang out with my friends. If I get a chance, I do some woodworking. I love building things, anything from shelves to tables and chairs.

  My girlfriend, Jessie, also takes up a lot of my time. We’ve reached the point in our relationship where she wants to talk seriously. Her friends are moving in together and getting married. We have done neither of those things, because there’s something that holds me back. It might be what happened to my mother, and the real fear that deep down I’m more like my father than I want to think. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t love her.

  The big event of this summer, so far, is the opening of another bar right across the street from the Remember. The Black Jack is more rough and tumble, and I hate it. I hate everything about it, and today I’m having a meeting with its owner, Cuben, to talk about it. After that Jessie is coming to my place and I’m making her dinner.

  I haven’t see the girl I gave free drinks to again. Part of me is terrified that she’s just passing through. The more I think about it the more I worry, especially because when I think of her face I think I see something familiar.

  The curve of her mouth, the way her eyes crinkle at the corner when she’s smiling, the tiny mole at the corner of her eye (one of the many things that make you look twice at her), the way her hands talk for her and the way her hair is curliest at the nape of her neck. They are all things I feel like I’ve seen before.

  I’m so angry after my meeting with Cuben that I consider canceling my dinner plans with Jessie. But in the end, I know that wouldn’t go over well.

  “He refused to do anything,” I fume as a chop onions that evening. Jessie is sitting on the counter, her feet dangling. She’s taken off her sandals and left them by the door. I’m kind of a clean freak. When she smiles there are dimples.

  “I’m sure he’ll come around,” she says, shrugging. “He can’t just let absurdly drunk and large men leave his bar and brawl in the streets. It’s dangerous.”

  “I swear, he doesn’t seem to care.”

  “What’s with you being all noble?” Jessie asks. Jessie’s the kind of girl who doesn’t like to dwell on problems. She likes everything wrapped up in a neat, little bundle. Her father didn’t kill her mother.

  I shake my head. She jumps off the counter and comes to lean her chin on my shoulder and her chest against my back. For a little while after that I’m distracted, but once we’ve made dinner and eaten it, and Jessie has curled up on the sofa to watch TV - about as far away from my cat as she possibly can be - my mind drifts back to the Remember and to a specific customer, new this summer. I’m hoping she’ll come back soon.

  Chapter Five - Nora

  The next weekend I head over to Lizzy’s with Snick in tow. He’s already escaped from my apartment once and I don’t want to risk leaving him alone. I can’t imagine what I’d do if something happened to him.

  “I don’t want to go home this summer,” I tell Lizzy as we sit in her living room. “I can’t handle it.”

  “I don’t want to either,” she says. “I already told Mom I refused. She was really mad and went on a rant, but there’s not much she can do about it.”

  “Because of The Wedding,” I say. That’s how we’re referencing Amelia’s wedding.

  “Right,” she says. “Her mom is really happy about it. Obviously. She thinks she’s going to get grandkids soon.”

  “And because of me she only has one shot at that,” I say bitterly.

  Lizzy makes an exasperated noise.

  “It wasn’t YOUR fault,” she says, her voice breaking.

  “Not directly,” I argue. “But he still wouldn’t have been in that water if not for me.”

  Lizzy just looks at me helplessly.

  “His mother just misses him,” she says. “She doesn’t blame you.”

  “His mother hated that he dated me,” I say, my voice getting higher with emotion. “She never approved.”

  “You didn’t need her approval.”

  “But if we’d waited until we had it, maybe he wouldn’t be - - -” I don’t finish what I was about to say. My throat closes and my eyes sting. I spin on my heel and dart to the bathroom.

  Lizzy chose this apartment because of the bathroom. When the school year ended she spent a weekend at home, and she took that Saturday to drive up to Portland and look at a few apartments.

  This bathroom is an eye-watering pink and green. It’s large, and it
has a tub that doubles as a shower. There’s a wide window overlooking the water. Lizzy’s family is wealthy, which is why they’re friends with Michael’s family.

  I take a breath and examine my reflection. The bathroom isn’t what I would call peaceful. Michael would have said that it looked like cotton candy had exploded all over the walls. I can’t believe that after so many years I still think about what Michael would have said.

  I turn the water on and watch the steady stream grow. I take a deep breath and turn it on a little more. For a while after he died I couldn’t even look at water. I showered with my eyes closed. Now I can. Now I can see it and breathe.

  What’s my secret?

  Well, it can’t remind me of Michael dying, because everything else already does. There’s just no point in treating water as if it’s different from everything else.

  Lizzy knocks on the door.

  “Nora? Come on. Are you okay?”

  My hands are shaking less. I don’t answer.

  I pick up Snick, who followed me in here, and cuddle him. He’s large and fluffy and black. The very best cat. He curls up in the sinks of bathrooms, at least until you turn the water on.

  Mom was angry when I told her I wanted Snick to live with me for the summer. She told me it wasn’t good for him. I informed her that it wasn’t good for us to be apart. She relented, but I had to promise to take good care of him. I think Mom thought I’d gone to college and become all normal, going out and getting drunk. The truth is, the Remember was my first drink.

  At that, my heart beats faster just at the thought of those stormy gray eyes, the eyes that were so attentive to me. I remember again the sea of calm and take a breath.

  I roll my shoulders and order myself to relax. Thinking about the bartender helps. Still holding Snick, I open Lizzy’s bathroom door. She’s standing there looking gorgeous, as usual. And worried.

  “Sorry,” I say.

  She looks at me sympathetically. “No worries.”

  “So,” I say, trying not to sound suspicious. “What did you have in mind exactly?”

  Lizzy smiles wickedly, rubs her hands together, and coos. “Oh yes. It’s time we go out again, and the Remember is just the place.” She winks at me. “I don’t want to pay for drinks.”

  I roll my eyes. “It’s been almost a week. He’s not going to remember me.”

  Lizzy gapes at me. “Of course he will.”

  “No,” I say, my heart still drumming inside my ribs. “He sees so many cute girls at the bar he won’t even care.”

  “You have to try,” says Lizzy. “If you never try, how will anything ever change?”

  Maybe I’m not meant to change. Maybe I don’t deserve to have the best love twice.

  Chapter Six - JJ

  She hasn’t come back. It’s been a week. I thought for sure the free drinks would bring her back, but they haven’t. She looked like a deer in the headlights. At first I thought she had been in before, because there’s something familiar about her - in a good way - but I’ve now decided I’ve never seen her before. I just know that I need to see her again.

  I should have introduced myself while I had the chance, but I had a feeling it would be better to let her take the first step.

  I tried to make her feel comfortable, but there’s only so much a guy can do with a girl who doesn’t know him. When I was younger and stupider, often my best intentions backfired hopelessly.

  “Hey JJ, we’re low on Guinness,” says Lila. I turn on my heel and head out back to get more Guinness.

  When I come back she still hasn’t come. The fact that I’m looking around like a lost puppy doesn’t even really worry me. The bar just feels empty without her.

  “JJ, how’s your week going?” Sylvan asks. Sylvan’s a regular and one of my best friends. He’s a police officer whose dad used to come in here before him.

  He’s a good guy, which I judge by the amount of times he’s tried to pick up women in the bar. He never has. I think it’s because he feels sleazy just approaching a girl that way. It’s a common problem. He just comes to hang out with his buddies, drink, and watch sports. He’s a good cop. My bar gets more respect when people find out Sylvan comes in on his nights off.

  “Pretty good, man,” I say, grinning at him. “What about you?”

  Sylvan nods. “Can’t complain. There’ve been a bunch of layoffs this week, but I still have my job and I’ll drink to that.”

  “Let me know if I can get you anything,” I tell him.

  Sylvan lifts his glass appreciatively to me. The bar doesn’t open until five, but a lot of happy hour characters come in when it does. My mind wanders. I try to keep it on my work - this is my bar, after all - but I can’t help it. I want her to come back.

  Portland isn’t that big a city. In fact, most visitors to Portland call it a glorified small town.

  Maybe she was just traveling through, or visiting a friend, and she’s never going to come back. Maybe the wine incident ruined it. Fucking Mason. My heart beats a little faster at the thought and I wonder what she’s doing right now. I hope she’s making her way back to the Remember.

  “Hey JJ, how’s your night going?” a girl asks me. I squint at her. She comes in from time to time with her friends. She’s a nice girl who likes sitting at the bar. She’s also wearing a really low cut dress and leaning over. I can see what kind of night she wants to have.

  “Good,” I say, waving to her. “How about you?”

  “Long week,” she says, taking a sip of her drink. Then she grins. “It’s over now. Finally. Let me know if you need a break from bartending tonight. I’m sure we can think of some way to entertain you.”

  I smile and nod as her friends giggle. The second I walk away I stop thinking about it.

  I sigh and go to deal with a glass someone has shattered across the room, and hope my heart won’t be shattered all over again.

  The most important life event I’ve had in years and I don’t even know her name.

  It’s another busy Saturday night. I like working when it’s busy. I like the movement and the quick interaction. I like having to keep aware and stay on my feet, and I like mixing the drinks.

  It’s especially busy because it’s the start of the summer. There are more people in town, so we have extra staff working.

  “Hey, we’re heading out,” says Sylvan when I go to check on him. He’s a burly guy in his mid-twenties, with a thick waist and powerful legs. He’s intimidating, especially to perps. He has a rakish grin and a shaved head.

  “How does Sylvan manage to stay single?” wonders one of my waitresses. She’s petite with lots of blond curls. Guys like her, which gets her better tips.

  “I’m sure he just wants to protect us from danger,” says Lila, her eyes flicking to Sylvan. “He’s so brave.”

  Girls like to approach Sylvan, but he casually waves them off. One night, when he was especially drunk, he informed me that he had loved a girl like you wouldn’t believe a few years ago, and when she left him he just couldn’t get past it. It makes sense to me. There’s something tragic about him.

  I glance around.

  ”Finally the place is filling up,” says Lila, bracing her hands on her hips, and from then on we’re busy for the rest of the night.

  Sometimes I check when I swipe a check or put an order in. Sometimes I don’t. It gets dark outside. We have big windows so that passersby can see into the place, and through them I see the sun set and fade.

  At the moment there are mostly guys at the bar, and I’m trying to deal with four things at once. I love it. I forget about my mom and Anabella.

  “Hey, JJ, have you gotten those two girls yet?” Lila asks me. We have a deal that she gets the guys and I get the girls. You never know. She tilts her head behind her.

  A crash of glasses shatters me out of my reverie.

  I pause for just a second.

  Then I turn to see the two girls Lila is talking about and a familiar feeling tightens my chest. Other things t
ighten as well. I take a deep breath.

  She looks different, but it’s the same girl. The first time I saw her, all that registered was this gorgeous girl who didn’t look like she belonged at my bar.

  Don’t get me wrong, I like it when gorgeous girls are at my bar, it’s good for business, but she was obviously not your average bar-going girl. She was much more. And now she’s sitting at the bar again, but this time I know her.

  My heart speeds up and I feel more relaxed than I’ve felt in a week. She did come back. I do know her. She wasn’t just on a trip or visiting a friend. She’s here for at least the summer. At least, I hope so.

  “What can I get you?” I say to them. I see her eyes spark, but I don’t think it’s from recognition.

  With another girl, I would have thought she was happy to see me but a little wary. With this girl, I think she looks tragic. I wait for a second, looking for another spark of recognition, but she doesn’t seem to recognize me. Well, why would she? We never hung out. She only saw me from a distance, except for that night, but it was dark, and she was distraught.

  I hope that when she does remember me, it doesn’t ruin everything.

  I smile into her eyes, trying to reassure her. I’m not sure she even remembers me from last weekend when I cleaned up the wine, let alone five years ago, but she gives me a small smile. There’s a spark at the back of those wide eyes.

  “Back for more wine?” I tease gently.

  Her friend is a gorgeous girl, at whom all the other girls are looking, and unlike Nora she knows it. She gives me a massive smile. They have a third girl with them this time, who squeezes between the chairs and leans forward.

  “I’m Aimee,” she says.

  “JJ,” I answer, shaking her hand. She winks at me. Her friends obviously have no trouble introducing themselves.

  “Nice place,” she says, giving it a once over with her eyes. “Is there going to be live music?”

  I nod. “Any time now,” I tell her. I have to lean over the bar and yell, because it’s already loud. For a Saturday night it’s already packed. She nods as if that’s what she expected. Nora has remained quiet. She has watched her friends introduce themselves, Lizzy the first time they came and now this Aimee girl, but she hasn’t made any move to give me her name. I don’t want to force her, so I busy myself getting their drinks.