Oddments

by Bill Pronzini

  I went out through the grate in the rail divider and walked slowly down the short corridor to the door. The shade was drawn over the glass there—I had drawn it myself earlier and I could not see out into the private parking area at the rear. The knocking, I realized as I stepped up to the door, was coming from down low on the wood panel, beneath the glass. A child? Still frowning, I drew back the edge of the shade and peered out.

  The person out there was a man, not a child—a medium-sized man wearing a mustache, modishly styled hair, and a business suit and tie. He was down on one knee, with his right hand stretched out to the door; his left hand was pressed against the side of his head, and his temple and the tips of his fingers were stained with what appeared to be blood.

  He saw me looking out at about the same time I saw him. We blinked at each other. He made an effort to rise, sank back onto his knee again, and said in a pained voice that barely carried through the door, "Accident . . . over in the driveway . . . I need a doctor."

  I peered past him. As much of the parking area as I could see was deserted, but from my vantage point I could not make out the driveway on the south side of the bank. I hesitated, but when the man said plaintively, "Please. . . I need help," I reacted on impulse: I reached down, unlocked the door, and started to pull it open.

  The man came upright in one fluid motion, drove a shoulder against the door, and crowded inside. The door edge cracked into my forehead and threw me backward, off-balance. My vision blurred for a moment, and when it cleared and I had my equilibrium again, I was looking not at one man but at two.

  I was also looking at a gun, held competently in the hand of the first man.

  The second one, who seemed to have materialized out of nowhere, closed and re-locked the door. Then he too produced a handgun and pointed it at me. He looked enough like the first man to be his brother—medium-sized, mustache, modishly styled hair, business suit, and tie. The only appreciable difference between them was that One was wearing a blue shirt and Two a white shirt.

  I stared at them incredulously. "Who are you? What do you want?"

  "Unnecessary questions," One said. He had a soft, well modulated voice, calm and reasonable. "It should be obvious who we are and what we want."

  "My God," I said, "bank robbers."

  "Bingo," Two said. His voice was scratchy, like sand rubbing on glass.

  One took a handkerchief from his coat pocket and wiped the blood—or whatever the crimson stuff was—off his fingers and his temple. I realized as he did so that his mustache and hair, and those of the other man, were of the theatrical makeup variety.

  "You just do what you're told," One said, "and everything will be fine. Turn around, walk up the hall."

  I did that. By the time I stopped again in front of the rail divider, the incredulity had vanished and I had regained my composure. I turned once more to face them.

  "I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed," I said.

  "Is that right?" One said. "Why?"

  "You're not going to be able to rob this bank."

  "Why aren't we?"

  "Because all the money has been put inside the vault for the weekend," I said. "And I've already set the time locks; the vault doors can't be opened by hand and the time locks won't release until nine o'clock Monday morning."

  They exchanged a look. Their faces were expressionless, but their eyes, I saw, were narrowed and cold. One said to Two, "Check out the tellers' cages."

  Two nodded and hurried through the divider gate.

  One looked at me again. "What's your name?"

  "Luther Baysinger," I said.

  "You do what here, Luther?"

  "I'm the Fairfield branch manager."

  "You lock up the money this early every Friday?"

  "Yes."

  "How come you don't stay open until six o'clock?"

  I gestured at the cramped old-fashioned room. "We're a small branch bank in a rural community," I said. "We do a limited business; there has been no need for us to expand our hours."

  "Where're the other employees now?"

  "I gave them permission to leave early for the weekend."

  From inside the second of the two tellers' cages Two called, "Cash drawers are empty."

  One said to me, "Let's go back to the vault."

  I pivoted immediately, stepped through the gate, entered the cages, and led the two of them down the walkway to the outer vault door. One examined it, tugged on the wheel. When it failed to yield he turned back to me.

  "No way to open this door before Monday morning?"

  "None at all."

  "You're sure of that?"

  "Of course I'm sure. As I told you, I've set the time locks here, and on the door to the inner vault as well. The inner vault is where all the bank's assets are kept."

  Two said, "Damn. I knew we should have waited when we saw the place close up. Now what do we do?"

  One ignored him. "How much is in that inner vault?" he asked me. "Round numbers."

  "A few thousand, that's all," I said carefully.

  "Come on, Luther. How much is in there?"

  His voice was still calm and reasonable, but he managed nonetheless to imply a threat to the words. If I continued to lie to him, he was saying tacitly, he would do unpleasant things to me.

  I sighed. "Around twenty thousand," I said. "We have no need for more than that on hand. We're—"

  "I know," One said, '"you're a small branch bank in a rural community. How many other people work here?"

  "Just two."

  "Both tellers?"

  "Yes."

  "What time do they come in on Monday morning?"

  "Nine o'clock."

  "Just when the vault locks release."

  "Yes. But—"

  "Suppose you were to call up those two tellers and tell them to come in at nine-thirty on Monday, instead of nine o'clock. Make up some kind of excuse. They wouldn't question that, would they?"

  It came to me then, all too clearly, what he was getting at. A coldness settled on my neck and melted down along my back. "It won't work," I said.

  He raised an eyebrow. "What won't work?"

  "Kidnapping me and holding me hostage for the weekend."

  "No? Why not?"

  "The tellers would know something was wrong if I asked them to come in late on Monday."

  "I doubt that."

  "Besides," I lied, "I have a wife, three children, and a mother-in-law living in my house. You couldn't control all of them for an entire weekend."

  "So we won't take you to your house. We'll take you somewhere else and have you call your family and tell them you've been called out of town unexpectedly."

  "They wouldn't believe it."

  "I think they would. Look, Luther, we don't want to hurt you. All we're interested in is that twenty thousand. We're a little short of cash right now; we need operating capital." He shrugged and looked at Two. "How about it?"

  "Sure," Two said. "Okay by me."

  "Let's go out front again, Luther."

  A bit numbly I led them away from the vault. When we passed out of the tellers' cages, my eyes went to the suitcase beside the desk and lingered on it for a couple of seconds. I pulled my gaze away then—but not soon enough.

  One said, "Hold it right there."

  I stopped, half-turning, and when I saw him looking past me at the suitcase I grimaced.

  One noticed that, too. "Planning a trip somewhere?" he asked.

  "Ah . . . yes," I said. "A trip, yes. To the state capital—a bankers' convention. I'm expected there tonight and if I don't show up people will know something is wrong—"

  "Nuts," One said. He glanced at Two. "Take a look inside that suitcase."

  "Wait," I said, "I—"

  "Shut up, Luther."

  I shut up and watched Two lift the suitcase to the top of the desk, next to the nameplate there that read Luther Baysinger, Branch Manager. He snapped open the catches and swung up the lid.

  Surprise reg
istered on his face. "Hey," he said, "money. It's filled with money."

  One stepped away from me and went over to stand beside Two, who was rifling through the packets of currency inside the suitcase. A moment later Two hesitated, then said, "What the hell?" and lifted out my .22 Colt Woodsman, which was also inside the case.

  Both of them looked at me. I stared back defiantly. For several seconds it was very quiet in there; then, because there was nothing else to be done, I lowered my gaze and leaned against the divider.

  "All right," I said, "the masquerade is over."

  One said, "Masquerade? What's that supposed to mean, Luther?"

  "My name isn't Luther," I said.

  "What?"

  "The real Luther Baysinger is locked inside the vault."

  "What?"

  "Along with both tellers."

  Two said it this time, "What?"

  "There's around eight thousand dollars in the suitcase," I said. "I cleaned it out of the cash room in the outer vault not long before you showed up."

  "What the hell are you telling us?" One said. "Are you saying you're—"

  "The same thing you are, that's right. I'm a bank robber." They looked at each other. Both of them appeared confused now, no longer quite so sure of themselves.

  One said, "I don't believe it."

  I shrugged. "It's the truth. We both seem to have picked the same day to knock over the same bank, only I got here first. I've been casing this place for a week; I doubt if you cased it at all. A spur-of-the-moment job, am I right?"

  "Hell," Two said to One, "he is right. We only just—"

  "Be quiet," One said, "let me think." He gave me a long, searching look. "What's your name?"

  "John Smith."

  "Yeah, sure."

  "Look," I said, "I'm not going to give you my right name. Why should I? You're not going to tell me yours."

  One gestured to Two. "Frisk him," he said. "See if he's carrying any identification."

  Two came over to me and ran his hands over my clothing, checked inside all the pockets of my suit. "No wallet," he said.

  "Of course not," I said. "I'm a professional, same as you are. I'm not stupid enough to carry identification on a job."

  Two went back to where One was standing and they held a whispered conference, giving me sidewise looks all the while.

  At the end of two minutes, One faced me again.

  "Let's get this straight," he said. "When did you come in here?"

  "Just before three o'clock."

  "And then what?"

  "I waited until I was the last person in the place except for Baysinger and the two tellers. Then I threw down on them with the Woodsman. The inner vault was already time-locked, so I cleaned out the tellers' drawers and the cash room, and locked them in the outer vault."

  "All of that took you an hour, huh?"

  "Not quite. It was almost quarter past three before the last customer left, and I spent some time talking to Baysinger about the inner vault before I was convinced he couldn't open it. I was just getting ready to leave when you got here." I gave him a rueful smile. "It was a damned foolish move, going to the door without the gun and then opening up for you. But you caught me off-guard. That accident ploy is pretty clever."

  "It's a good thing for you that you didn't have the gun," Two said. "You'd be dead now."

  "Or you'd be," I said.

  We exchanged more silent stares.

  "Anyhow," I said at length, "I thought I could bluff you into leaving by pretending to be Baysinger and telling you about the time locks. But then you started that kidnapping business. I didn't want you to take me out of here because it meant leaving the suitcase; and if you did kidnap me, and I was forced to tell you the truth, you'd dump me somewhere and come back for the money yourselves. Now you've got it anyway—the game's up."

  "That's for sure," One said.

  I cleared my throat. "Tell you what," I said. "I'll split the eight thousand with you, half and half. That way, we all come out of this with something."

  "I've got a better idea."

  I knew what was coming, but I said, "What's that?"

  "We take the whole boodle."

  "Now wait a minute—"

  "We've got the guns, and that means we make the rules. You're out of luck, Smith, or whatever your name is. You may have gotten here first, but we got here at the right time."

  "Honor among thieves," I said. "Hah."

  "Easy come, easy go," Two said. "You know how it is."

  "All right, you're taking all the money. What about me?"

  "What about you?"

  "Do I get to walk out of here?"

  "Well, we're sure as hell not going to call the cops on you."

  "You did us sort of a favor," One said, "taking care of all the details before we got here. So we'll do you one. We'll tie you up in one of these chairs—not too tight, just tight enough to keep you here for ten or fifteen minutes. When you work yourself loose you're on your own."

  "Why can't I just leave when you do?"

  One gave me a faint smile. "Because you might get a bright idea to follow us and try to take the money back. We wouldn't like that."

  I shook my head resignedly. "Some bank job this turned out to be."

  They tied me up in the chair behind the desk, using my necktie and my belt to bind my hands and feet. After which they took the suitcase, and my Colt Woodsman, and went out through the rear door and left me alone.

  It took me almost twenty minutes to work my hands loose. When they were free I leaned over to untie my feet and stood up wearily to work the kinks out of my arms and legs. Then I sat down again, pulled the phone over in front of me, and dialed a number.

  A moment later a familiar voice said, "Police Chief Roberts speaking."

  "This is Luther Baysinger, George," I said. "You'd better get over here to the bank right away. I've just been held up."

  Chief Roberts was a tall wiry man in his early sixties, a competent law officer in his own ponderous way; I had known him for nearly thirty years. While his two underlings, Burt Young and Frank Dawes—the sum total of Fairfield's police force—hurried in and out, making radio calls and looking for fingerprints or clues or whatever, Roberts listened intently to my account of what had happened with the two bank robbers. When I finished he leaned back in the chair across the desk from me and wagged his head in an admiring way.

  "Luther," he said, "you always did have more gall than any man in the county. But this business sure does take the cake for pure nerve."

  "Am I to take that as a compliment, George?" I said a bit stiffly.

  "Sure," he said. "Don't get your back up."

  "The fact of the matter is, I had little choice. It was either pretend to be a bank robber myself or spend the weekend at the mercy of those two men. And have them steal all the money inside the vault on Monday morning—approximately forty thousand dollars, not twenty thousand as I told them."

  "Lucky thing you had that Woodsman of yours along. That was probably the clincher."

  "That, and the fact that I wasn't carrying my wallet. I was in such a hurry this morning that I left it on my dresser at home."

  "How come you happened to have the .22?"

  "It has been jamming on me in target practice lately," I said. "I intended to drop it off at Ben Ogilvie's gunsmith shop tonight for repairs."

  "How'd you know those two hadn't cased the bank beforehand?"

  "It was a simple deduction. If they had cased the bank, they would have known who I was; they wouldn't have had to ask."

  Roberts wagged his head again. "You're something else, Luther. You really are."

  "Mmm," I said. "Do you think you'll be able to apprehend them?"

  "Oh, we'll get them, all right. The descriptions you gave us are pretty detailed; Burt's already sent them out to the county and state people and to the FBI."

  "Fine." I massaged my temples. "I had better begin making an exact count of how much money they got away with. I'
ve called the main branch in the capital and they're sending an official over as soon as possible. I imagine he'll be coming with the local FBI agent."

  Roberts rose ponderously. "We'll leave you to it, then." He gathered Young and Dawes and prepared to leave. At the door he paused to grin at me. "Yes, sir," he said, "more damned gall—and more damned luck—than any man in this county."

  I returned to my desk after they were gone and allowed myself a cigar. I felt vastly relieved. Fate, for once, had chosen to smile on me; I had, indeed, been lucky.

  But for more reasons than Roberts thought.

  I recalled his assurance that the bank robbers would soon be apprehended. Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on the point of view—I did not believe they would be apprehended at all. Mainly because the description of them I had given Roberts was totally inaccurate.

  I had also altered my story in a number of other ways. I had told him the outer vault door had not only been unlocked—which was the truth; despite my lie to the two robbers, I had not set any of the time locks—but that it had been open and the money they'd stolen was from the cash room. I had said the robbers brought the suitcase with them, not that it belonged to me, and that the Woodsman had been in my overcoat pocket when they discovered it. I had omitted mention of the fact that I'd supposedly called their attention to the suitcase in order to carry out my bank-robber ruse.

  And I had also lied about the reasons I was not carrying my wallet and why I had the Woodsman with me. In truth, I had left the wallet at home and put the gun into the suitcase because of an impulsive, foolish, and half-formed idea that, later tonight, I would attempt to hold up a business establishment or two somewhere in the next county.

  I would almost certainly not have gone through with that scheme, but the point was that I had got myself into a rather desperate situation. The bank examiners were due on Monday for their annual audit—a month earlier than usual in a surprise announcement—and I had not been able to replace all of the $14,425.00 that I had "borrowed" during the past ten months to support my regrettable penchant for betting on losing horses.

  I had, however, managed on short notice to raise $8,370.00 by selling my car and my small boat and disposing of certain semi-valuable heirlooms. The very same $8,370.00 that had been in the suitcase, and that I had been about to put back into the cash room when the two robbers arrived.