Never Say Sever in Deadwood

by Ann Charles

  I dodged its arms and tugged the ax free of its neck. Black blood poured from the wound as the creature stared up at me with its dead dark eyes. It continued to gnash its teeth slowly, still trying to reach for me. But it was struggling to even move. I must have cut its version of the carotid artery.

  I heard an engine growling, coming closer. Damn it. Someone was coming.

  “Violet,” Cornelius said, looking toward the sound of the approaching vehicle.

  “I know. I hear it.” I tried to line up the ax for another blow, but the Nachzehrer kept moving its head back and forth. “I need you to hold it still for me.”

  “And how do you propose I do that? Sit on it?”

  “No, smartass. You need to grab it near the ears and hold its head still.”

  “How many chickens have you had on the chopping block?” he asked.

  Chickens? What? “None. Why?” Oh, I got it. “How many have you?”

  “I lost count after twenty-three.”

  “Criminy. Did you use to work at a chicken farm?”

  “No, my grandmother down in Louisiana had chickens, and we ate some. Others we sacrificed—and then ate.”

  I frowned at him, shaking my head. I needed to keep an eye on him when he was around Elvis. “Okay, we can talk about chickens later—but not around Addy. Now hold its head so I can get a clear neck shot.”

  “Maybe I should do the swinging, not you. Natalie has mentioned your shortcoming.”

  “Which one? I have many.”

  “The ax-related one.”

  I glared at him. “Trust me, I’d love to hand this job off to you and go take a stroll through a car wash right now, but I have to kill this bastard so it disappears, or we’ll have a very weird body to bury somewhere in the hills and neither of us needs Detective Hawke sniffing around.”

  “Good point.” He cradled the creature’s head and tipped its chin up, giving me a clear target. “Give it one hard blow. Severing the spine will be tough with such a small ax. You don’t want to make it suffer.”

  “Yeah, right.” That was easy for him to say. He hadn’t been front and center while it tried to reach through the bathroom window and tear me to pieces.

  I tightened my grip on the handle.

  He cringed, pulling back slightly. “And don’t miss and cut off my fingers. I have grand plans yet for them.”

  I lifted the ax. “I offer no guarantees.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “Hey, you didn’t miss,” Natalie said several minutes later, standing over all that was left of the Nachzehrer, which was just a small pile of dust on the sidewalk.

  “Third time’s a charm.” I shivered in the freezing breeze, wishing I had some of that heat from the bathroom radiator baking me right about now. On top of leaving my coat and gloves up at the party, my dress was wet from my attempts to clean off the nasty thing’s green barf with snow.

  Doc tipped my chin up toward the streetlight. “It’s hard to see if you’ve sustained any more injuries with this zombie makeup.” He tilted his head. “I think you actually look less beat up than when we left your aunt’s house.”

  “I lost one of my latex cuts up in the bathroom when the Nachzehrer stopped by to wish me good luck on the premiere.”

  He sniffed, taking a step back. “And that smell?”

  “The creature deposited a green, gelatinous liquid on her dress after Violet delivered the first blow,” Cornelius explained.

  “The first blow? So, you did miss.” Natalie grinned.

  “It was hard to lop its head off while I was pinned on my back by the big motherhumper.”

  “And then it puked on you.”

  “You’re enjoying this way too much.” I grabbed another handful of snow. My hands trembled as I scrubbed down the front of my dress. Stupid, weak-stomached creepster. I gasped as a bit of snow trickled down the scoop neck of my dress.

  Doc shucked his coat and draped it over my shoulders. The spicy scent of his cologne almost overshadowed the creature’s stench, but not quite.

  “Did you bring my keys?” I asked him.

  “Yes.” He jammed his hands in his pockets. “But you can’t go home yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “You have to go back inside.”

  “No.” I groaned. “Why?”

  “Because the television show is almost over and your boss is going to want you to be there for the post-show song and dance.”

  “Yeah, but look at me.” I thumbed at my sodden dress.

  “Actually, babe,” Natalie said. “With your hair a mess and your leggings torn, you look even more zombie-ish than you did before. It’s a good look on you.”

  “Shush, smartass.” My leggings were torn? I looked down. Sure enough, there was a rip below my right knee. I didn’t even remember that happening. “Criminy, these are cashmere. It’s not like I have an unlimited supply of clothing for these dickwads to keep ruining.”

  “Bollocks,” Cornelius said.

  “Exactly.”

  “That wasn’t about your leggings, Vi,” Natalie said. She pointed at Cornelius, who was holding up what looked like a bent stick.

  “I broke my favorite cane.”

  An accordion struck up a tune from his pocket, joined by a tuba.

  “Does anyone else hear polka music, or am I losing my shit?” Natalie asked.

  “Did you know that polka was created around 1830 by a female farm worker in Bohemia?” Cornelius asked her.

  “Nyet.” I held my hand in his face. A drop of ice-cold water ran up my sleeve.

  He leaned to the side to look at me around my hand. “That’s Russian, Violet. Bohemia is actually now part of the Czech Republic, not—”

  “No more polka tonight, music man,” I cut him off. “You and that crazy beat almost got us killed by a Nachzehrer.”

  “Maybe it just wanted to dance,” Doc said, chuckling.

  Cornelius reached into his coat pocket and the music stopped, leaving the night as quiet as it was cold and dark.

  I scrubbed my freezing hands together. My fingertips were numb.

  Doc took my hands in his, warming me up. “What do you say, Killer? How about we go back inside together and wrap up this party, and then I’ll take you home and ease you into a nice, hot bath.”

  “A bath, you say? Will there be back scrubbing involved?”

  “And front.” He winked. “Then, after you’re all pink and wrinkly, I’ll wrap you up in a warm blanket and sing you a lullaby.”

  My teeth started to chatter. “My favorite one?”

  He nodded. “I know how much you love to put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up.”

  “And you’ll use Kermit the Frog’s voice?”

  “Of course.”

  Natalie hooked her arm in Cornelius’s and pulled him toward the restaurant. “Come on, you guys, before Jerry realizes we’re not there. Harvey can only stall him for so long.”

  “What am I going to do with this?” I held up the ax. “It belongs in the back stairwell.”

  Natalie took it from me and tucked it inside of her coat. “I’ll put it back while you work your magic in the spotlight.”

  Doc put his arm around me and urged me along when I continued to drag my feet.

  As soon as the four of us stepped inside Charles’ Club, the television show’s credits started rolling on the four televisions and the lights came up.

  Damn it, I was hoping to have a few minutes to swing by the bathroom again and try to make repairs to everything south of my scalp.

  Jerry walked in front of one of the big television screens as a round of applause filled the room. He was so tall he didn’t need a podium to be seen.

  “I would like to thank everyone for coming tonight to share this important event with all of us from Calamity Jane Realty. I’m sure you all will agree that we have some amazing agents who are here to help you with all of your real estate needs, big or small.”

  Another round of applause spread thro
ughout the room.

  I slipped off Doc’s coat and handed it back to him now that we were back in the sauna. Thankfully, my wet dress was now acting as a cooler.

  “Violet,” Jerry called out. “Where are you?”

  When I tried to blend in with the wallpaper, Doc took my arm and held it up.

  “Come up here. Ben, you too.”

  My feet didn’t move. They wanted to go back down the stairs and head for home.

  Doc nudged me forward. “Go get it over with, superstar. I’ll make it up to you later.”

  I groaned and then forced one foot in front of the other. When I reached Jerry, he glanced down at me and then did a double take. Lucky for me, his shout of laughter was drowned out by the din of conversation in the restaurant.

  He leaned over and said in my ear. “Violet, you really went all out on the costume tonight.” He sniffed and his smile slipped as he recoiled slightly. “Although you could have gone easy on the zombie perfume.”

  I patted him on the sleeve. Silly man. It was Nachzehrer vomit, not decaying zombie flesh.

  “Hey, where’s your nametag?” he asked.

  “It got eaten,” I told the truth with a straight face.

  He laughed. “A zombie joke. I love it.”

  “What did you think of the show?” Ben asked me as he joined me up front with Jerry.

  “It was …” I thought of the Nachzehrer trying to squeeze its head through the bathroom window and then licking my neck. “A bit nerve-wracking.”

  Jerry clapped us both on the shoulders. “Take a bow, you two. You did the team proud.”

  Before I had a chance to do as told, a piercing whistle rang out over the clapping. In the back, Natalie waved at me from on top of a table.

  I waved back, smiling. If she thought we’d be doing any table dancing tonight, she was in for a letdown. My body had done enough shaking, rattling, and rolling outside on the ground.

  She frowned and shook her head. Then she held up a yellow and black walkie-talkie and waved again, more frantically this time.

  “Now what?” I muttered under my breath. After taking a bow to make Jerry happy, I threaded back through the crowd toward Natalie. Doc and Harvey were there with her.

  “What’s going on?” I asked the three of them.

  “Coop just called in for backup,” she said.

  I looked to Doc for a less cryptic explanation.

  Doc handed me my coat. “We have to go, Killer. Duty calls.”

  That didn’t clear up things yet. I turned to Harvey. “Go where?”

  Harvey hooked his thumbs in his red velvet suspenders. “Go back huntin’ over at Jonesy’s. That three-limbed critter of yers came back for seconds.”

  I scowled. “You’re kidding.”

  “Nope,” he said with a happy grin.

  Natalie pulled on her coat. “Hurry up, Vi. I don’t like Coop being alone out there with one of those things.” She looked at Doc. “I’ll go tell Cornelius to run interference for us with Vi’s boss and coworkers.” She hurried off across the room.

  “But my dress is a wet mess.” And so was I. Mentally, I was hanging on by my fingertips at the moment.

  Harvey looked me up and down. “Yer fine. Quit yer caterwauling and let’s hit the road.”

  I turned to Doc. “Please tell me this is a practical joke and you’re really going to take me home and read a sexy book to me while I soak in a tub full of bubbles.”

  Doc took me by the elbow. “Sorry, Killer, but it appears your work isn’t done yet tonight.”

  A hop, skip, and a round of grumbling later, Natalie, Doc, Harvey, and I reached my SUV in the parking lot.

  “Watch out for that door,” I told Doc as he rounded the front, keys in hand. “I think the Nachzehrer was rubbing on it earlier. Or licking it.”

  “Gross,” Natalie said, climbing in the backseat.

  “I don’t see anything,” Doc said through the open driver’s side door while taking off his coat. I watched from the passenger seat as he pulled his shirt free of his pants and started unbuttoning it.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I have an idea.” He took off his shirt and handed it to me, leaving him standing there in a white undershirt. “Take off your dress and put that on instead.”

  “Hurry, Vi,” Natalie said, covering Harvey’s eyes. “Coop could be in trouble.”

  “Come on, let me peek,” Harvey said, trying to knock Natalie’s hand away. “An old man like me doesn’t get many peep shows these days. Doc doesn’t mind, do ya?”

  Doc just chuckled and slid his coat back on.

  “Okay, okay.” I shrugged out of the wet, stinky mess and slid on Doc’s shirt quick as I could. I hugged the warm cotton to me, soaking up his heat.

  “Give me your dress,” Doc said.

  I wadded it up into a ball and gave it to him.

  “I’ll buy you a new one,” he said and jogged over to the trash can near the corner of the lot, tossing it away for good.

  “Good riddance,” I muttered and sniffed the collar of Doc’s shirt. Yum. Spicy, musky, with a blend of cedar. I should wear his shirts more often.

  A minute later we were off, rolling toward Central City and Jones’ Taxidermy. My fingers were crossed that the other Nachzehrer had already left the scene and Cooper would tell us to head home and eat some cake. What cake? I didn’t care. Pie would work, too.

  When we pulled up in front of the taxidermy shop, Cooper’s Deadwood Police rig was there, but he wasn’t inside of it. The hillside behind the building was full of shadows, the moonlight unable to pierce the thick tree cover.

  “Where is he?” Natalie asked, reaching for the door.

  “Wait!” I said, hitting the door lock. “We need to have a plan.” I looked at Doc. “Don’t we?”

  “You’re calling the shots, Killer. You’ve taken on three already. What do you think we should do first?”

  I turned to Natalie. “Try Cooper on the walkie-talkie. We don’t need to accidentally sneak up on him and wind up with a bullet in the kisser.”

  “But keep yer voice low,” Harvey added. “Just in case he’s in a pickle at the moment.”

  She nodded, lifting the walkie-talkie. “Coop, come in,” she whispered. “Over.”

  I waited, my breath held.

  Come on, Cooper. Where are you?

  “Try again,” Harvey told Natalie.

  She closed her eyes. “Coop, we’re here. Where are you? Over.”

  I stared out the windshield at the shop. Garth had left some lights on, probably so the cops doing drive-bys could see inside. I watched, waiting to see any movement.

  A tap-tap-tap on my side window made me jump.

  Cooper stood outside, peering in at us.

  Open the door, he mouthed, and pointed in Natalie’s direction.

  Doc hit the unlock button. Natalie scooted toward the middle as Coop slid in next to her, quietly closing the door behind him.

  “Where’s the Nachzehrer?” I asked.

  He pointed toward the dark hillside behind the shop. “It made its way up into the trees about five minutes before you guys showed up.”

  “So, we’re too late?” Natalie said.

  “No, I’m pretty sure it’s still up there. I followed it and watched it slide into a crevice in the rocks.”

  “You followed that thing on your own?” Natalie gaped at him as if he’d sprouted a pink unicorn horn. “It could have turned on you.”

  “Sure, if it’d heard me, but I made sure it didn’t.”

  When her eyes narrowed, he added, “Nat, this isn’t my first manhunt.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not a man. And you’re the one always saying to never go in without backup.”

  “Well, I’d called in backup—you. I knew you’d be here soon and I didn’t want to lose sight of that thing.” He glanced at me. “It’s tall, like Jonesy said. Must be over seven feet when it stands upright.”

  I wondered how it compared to what Co
rnelius and I had just taken whacks at. “Tell us what happened.”

  “I stopped by to check on things, like I told Jonesy I’d do.” Cooper rubbed his hands together to warm them. “I was about to take off when I thought I saw movement near the side of the building. I drove closer and that’s when I saw him.”

  “The Nachzehrer?” I asked.

  “No, the ghost I told you about before.”

  I grimaced. “The one missing half of his head?”

  “Yeah.” Cooper’s grimace was twice as deep as mine. “He waved for me to follow him, so I did. He led me partway up the hillside and then put up his hand for me to stop and wait.” He frowned out the window. “It wasn’t more than a minute or two before I heard something coming slowly up the hill. That’s when I saw it, the three-limbed perp, making its way up toward the rocks. It was hard to see fully, but I caught a couple of glimpses of it in the shafts of moonlight coming through the trees.” He looked at Doc and then me. “I think that fourth limb has partially grown back.”

  “Maybe it was a different Nachzehrer,” Doc said.

  “Maybe.” Cooper shrugged. “Anyway, it didn’t come out from that crevice in the rocks during the time I waited for you guys to show up.”

  “So, it’s either hiding in there,” Natalie started.

  “Or there’s a cave or an ol’ mine on the other side of those rocks,” Harvey finished.

  Cooper nodded. “We need to go check it out. If that thing is still in there, we need to finish it off.”

  I looked out at the dark hillside. “You want to follow it into what might be its lair?” Criminy, walking into a grizzly den in spring seemed less hair-raising.

  “We could try to draw it out,” Doc offered. “They can’t resist Scharfrichter blood, right?”

  In other words, go back to his earlier idea involving my blood and his neck that I’d rejected.

  “I say Sparky goes in after it,” Harvey said. When I frowned at him, he shrugged. “You bring it out here in the open and it’ll be like tryin’ to catch a butterfly with a baseball bat.”

  “Let’s not forget that the bounty hunter could be watching and waiting somewhere around here,” Doc said.

  I groaned. “Oh, yeah.” What kind of creature was responsible for creating and controlling each of these Nachzehrer? Something even more hideous and horrifying?