by Nicola Haken
“I need to get dressed. I, um… well, I might need some help,” Blaine muttered sounding embarrassed.
“I guess it will be good practice for when we’re old and grey and I’m wiping your wrinkly arse,” I teased in a ridiculous effort to lighten the impossibly dark world we lived in right now.
I helped Blaine into the shower (even though I’m sure I didn’t actually need to) and passed him the shower head so he could just wash his ‘essentials’. It was then he explained how he got the blisters on his back. He said he didn’t do it intentionally, seeming mortified at the idea he’d become a self-harmer or something. ‘I was just trying to wash it all away’ he told me. I fought so hard not to cry, but whilst he was getting dry a few escapees snuck from my eyes.
Back in the bedroom I tenderly applied more burn gel to his back and shoulders, noting that the blisters were already looking a little calmer, before holding out a white cotton shirt for him to slip his arms into. He gulped as it hit his skin and every part of me wished I could take the pain for him.
“I have a trust fund set up by my mother that reaches maturity when I hit eighteen,” Blaine said out of nowhere.
“Okay?” I said questioningly.
“That’s just two months away. So, after what you said last night I was thinking we could use it to set up somewhere new after graduation. Take Kara and your mom with us. What do you think?”
It sounded so easy, so tempting. But last night I wasn’t thinking rationally. My runaway plan just blurted out in a moment of desperation.
“Blaine you can’t take Kara. She’s not yours. And rightly or wrongly she loves her father – to her he’s the perfect dad. She wouldn’t leave him, or Trudy for that matter. The only way out of this is expose your dad for the monster he is.”
Blaine sighed and ran his tense fingers through his hair which was still damp and ruffled from his shower.
“Maybe Trudy will help us. Maybe she’ll come too,” he said quietly, as if he was reasoning with himself and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was – if Trudy was prepared to leave Mitch she would have done it a long time ago.
“Does Trudy know what your father does to you?” I asked. It was a question that had been burning a hole in my mind for a while.
“Not everything. Nobody knows everything,” he admitted, sucking in a sharp breath. I think a punch to the stomach wouldn’t have left me as winded. He said nobody knows? What was he keeping from me? I opened my mouth to ask him and then closed it again. I didn’t know if he would even answer me, but I was petrified in case he did. How fucking selfish was that?
“We will talk to Trudy. Together,” I said, trying to sound optimistic as I took his face in my hands. “We’re in this together.”
“Together,” he repeated with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Then he took my hands from his face and clutched them to his chest before lowering his head and brushing my lips with his.
“You know, the face fluff kind of suits you. Makes you look all worldly and sophisticated,” I teased. Seeing it appear a little thicker each day from a distance at school, accompanied with his troubled face and sunken eyes – he looked kind of trampy. But now, freshly showered and baring those brilliant white teeth of his through a wide smile… he looked pretty freaking hot. Mature – professional.
“You think?” He cocked an eyebrow and rubbed along his rough jaw with his thumb and forefinger. “Well maybe I’ll keep it, just for you,” he said in a cheeky tone, winking at me. Then he took hold of my hands again and kissed each knuckle one by one. It was impossible to imagine anything was wrong with the world when Blaine was this close to me. Instinctively my hands broke free as my arms wrapped themselves around him.
Wincing, he stiffened and pulled back.
“Shit! I’m so sorry.” I flustered when I realised what I’d done. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he assured. “Maybe need to lay off the hugging for a day or two though.” He winked at me and I so wanted to believe he was happy. But he wasn’t. He was shattered… defeated. I’d have given my life to fix him in that moment – to make him happy again. “Can I take you on a date tonight?”
“A date?” I asked, a look of perplexity washing over my face.
“Well, I had this special night planned for your birthday. Obviously I totally screwed that one up, but I’d like another shot. If you’d let me?” My lips curved up into their first genuine smile in what seemed like forever.
“I would love that,” I said genuinely. “Although I have to work tonight. Just till seven mind you, Michelle needs me to go in early for her next Saturday so she’s covering a couple of hours for me tonight.”
“I’ll be there at quarter-to.” He smiled an adorable, believable smile that filled me with hope.
Blaine’s mobile vibrated against the wood of his nightstand, interrupting us. Rolling his eyes he ambled over towards it. After tapping the screen and staring at it for no longer than a couple of seconds he sighed.
“It’s Trudy. They’ll be back in an hour. I’d best get you home,” he said, deflated. My heart plummeted into the depths of my stomach. Walking away from him after everything we’d just been through was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life. How was I supposed to function not knowing what his father was doing to him? Or even what he was doing to himself?
“Okay,” I reluctantly acknowledged. “I can make my own way though. Driving might be difficult with-”
“Maddie, I am taking you home,” he ordered firmly. “Stop worrying about me,” he added a little more gently. “Besides, I will have to drive to get to school.”
“Blaine you’re in no fit state for school,” I said, concern flooding my voice.
“I’m better off at school than here,” he replied. I nodded in agreement. He was right.
Seeing as though I arrived last night with only the clothes on my back I was ready to leave whenever Blaine was. After dragging on some white cords - which only someone with a body as fine as Blaine’s could pull off - again wincing as he bent down - then stepping into his white trainers and grabbing his car keys from his jacket pocket, we left for my house.
As it stood, Lori still drove me to school everyday so after puling up outside my house and giving me a kiss which filled me with both love and sadness, Blaine drove away. I stared longingly after his car until it disappeared around the bend at the end of our street. I prayed silently that nothing, or no one, would hurt him while we were apart.
It took me a few minutes to get myself together enough to go inside the house. My mum shot up from the sofa the second I opened the door.
“Hey,” she rushed out, trying but failing to sound casual. I practically charged at her, scooping her into my arms.
“You need to stop thinking I’m not coming home,” I whispered in her ear because I knew damn well that’s what she’d been thinking since the second I left last night. “I forgive you, Mum.”
She pulled back slightly, tears burning the edges of her eyes.
“You…you do?” As she said the words the threatening tears spilled over the edge and rained down her flushed cheeks. I nodded at her.
“I’ve got a long way to go before I can understand, but I couldn’t hate you. You’re my mum. I love you.”
“Oh dear god, Maddie, I love you too. So, so much.” Pulling her back into my chest I buried my face in her neck and we hugged tighter than we ever had before. We had been through so much together. So many highs, just as many lows. We could get through this I knew we could.
Eventually I had to break free from our embrace or I’d have been late for school. After showering quickly and dressing even faster I threw a slice of toast down my neck and washed it down with some fresh orange juice just in time for the sound of Lori’s horn. I kissed my mum goodbye and headed outside. Everything was so bizarrely normal. It unnerved me a little.
When I climbed into the passenger seat of Lori’s car I could tell instantly somethi
ng wasn’t right – or rather something was incredibly right. She was literally bouncing up and down with a smile so wide it looked painful.
“Everything…okay?” I asked with a bemused smirk on my face.
“Sure,” she replied. I could tell she was aiming for nonchalance but she was squirming in her seat as she started the engine back up. “What about you?” she asked.
“Actually…” I was about to tell her I’d had the weekend from hell and then ask if we could go somewhere private for lunch so we could talk when she cut me off.
“For god’s sake, Maddie, are you not going to push me to tell you why I’m so excited!”
“Um…” Was this a trick question? “So, Lori, tell me what’s going on with you,” I said with fake enthusiasm.
“I thought you’d never ask!” she beamed. “So, Michelle and I went shopping yesterday and then she suggested we finish the day off with a movie. So we went to the multiplex and got tickets to see… oh hell, Maddie, she kissed me!”
“Oh my god!” Yep, I actually squealed like I was… well like I was Lori. “Lori this is huge.”
“I know right?”
“So?”
“So, what?”
I rolled my eyes at her.
“Soooo,” I repeated, elongating the word. “What does this mean? Are you two officially together? Are you ready to be together?” I pressed carefully. This was so much bigger a deal for Lori than if she’d just a kissed some random guy from school.
“Well, we talked for a while afterwards. I told her how… new to this I was, and that quite frankly the whole thing scared the hell out of me. I expected her to tell me to quit being a pussy-” (that is something I can totally hear Michelle saying) “and to just bite the bullet you know. I mean… she’s so ‘out there’ with everything. I assumed she wouldn’t understand.”
“But she did?” I asked but already knew the answer. I’d got to know Michelle well enough from working with her to know she would never push somebody into anything. Well, unless your name was Sky and it was a table she was pushing you into.
“She totally did. She said I would just ‘know’ when I was ready to take the next step and tell everybody, and then she said she’d be there for me when I was. She’s amazing, Maddie.”
“I’m so pleased for you,” I said because I genuinely was. It felt comforting to know good things were still happening in the world.
When we got to school my eyes instantly began their search for Blaine. I breathed a sigh of relief when I spotted him lounging on the large patch of grass outside the cafeteria block, propping himself up on his elbow and smoking a cigarette. Hell I almost considered asking him for one myself. But then I remembered the time I tried one of my mums when I was sixteen and ended up spewing my guts up.
After waving bye to Lori I made my way over to him. Someone’s foot accidently brushed past him as I approached and I swear his face turned a deathly shade of grey as he tried to conceal the pain he felt from his face. In that moment I wondered if I’d ever be able too look at him again without my heart feeling like it was being yanked from my body.
“You don’t have practice today do you?” was the first thing I said as I lowered myself down next to him on the vivid-green grass. There was no way he was fit enough to endure the physical contact football would inevitably involve. He shook his head and flicked his cigarette butt towards the parked cars.
“No, I’m good. Stop worrying!” he said thoughtfully, tucking a loose curl of hair behind my ear. Then he patted the grass beside him, signalling for me to lie down with him. I glanced around, feeling a little silly but then caught a glimpse of his pleading puppy eyes and gave in. I tossed my rucksack on the floor beside me and lay top-to-tail with him, resting my head on his stomach.
“Have you heard from Trudy?” he went on to ask.
“No. Should I have?”
“Well, um, I think she’s planning to ask if she bring Kara over to your house after school,” he revealed nervously. My heart rate accelerated to a thousand miles an hour. Then, taking my face in his hands he said, “don’t worry, lish. I’ll be with you.”
“W-what about your dad? I can’t imagine he’s too pleased with this whole situation.” And I don’t want him taking it out on you, I thought but couldn’t say it out loud.
“That’s Trudy’s call to make,” he said, shrugging. But I was sure I saw him flinch slightly. Even though this was in no way Blaine’s fault, he was going to suffer for this. I could see the fear clouding over his magnificent blue irises.
“Will you ever tell me…” I trailed off, as unsure of how to ask as I was about receiving the answer.
“I don’t- I… Maddie I just-”
“Shh…” I placed a finger over his stuttering lips. “It’s okay, Blaine. I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to be ready.” I prayed that would be both near and far away in equal measure.
“I don’t deserve you. How can you be so good to me after everything I’ve put you through?” He blinked forcefully and looked away from me. I suspected he was trying to stop himself for crying.
“Because I kind of like you,” I said playfully. “Look at me,” I ordered softly. Slowly, he turned his head and locked his eyes onto mine. “But no more pushing me away. Do you hear me, Blaine? I can’t take that again. I love you. Nothing will ever stop me loving you. You really need to start believing that if we’re to have any chance of a future.”
A warm, almost surprised, smile tugged at the corners of his lips.
“You think we have a future?” I didn’t know whether to hug him or slap him.
“Blaine I know we have a future. Don’t you?”
“Yes. Well, I mean I hoped… but-”
“No buts,” I said, silencing him with a soft kiss. He groaned into my mouth and I automatically went to hug him before remembering the delicate state of his skin and pulled myself away. Then I stood up and brushed the loose blades of glass off my white t-shirt – noticing a stain was already setting in. Damn. “Now piss off. I need to get to class.”
He let out a soft laugh. It was only small but it was genuine. It was… normal.
“Piss off yourself.”
Chapter Seventeen
Maddie
Thanks to an impromptu urge to go to the bathroom I was a little late getting to the cafeteria for lunch. Blaine was going home to be with Kara whilst Trudy made the revelation that would tip her whole world upside down. I sent him a text as I walked to lunch wishing him good luck. I knew first hand how Kara was going to feel and in turn I knew how upsetting that would be for Blaine to watch.
When I eventually got to the cafeteria I noticed Lori’s seat at Sky’s table was empty. Immediately I turned around to leave but then stopped in my tracks when I heard Lori’s infectious giggle in the background. After taking a quick scan of the crowded room I noticed her sat at the round table by the window with Michelle. They were chatting and laughing, and every so often Michelle would pick an invisible piece of lint off Lori’s arm. To anyone else it was just a run of the mill conversation between friends. But there was an enchanting glint in Lori’s vivid green eyes that screamed she was in love.
“Maddie, over here!” Lori called, prizing her eyes away from Michelle long enough to catch me standing in the doorway. I waved at her and made my way over to their table, not bothering to grab any lunch.
“Hey,” I said, nodding to both of them.
“You’re in trouble,” Michelle said, pointing a finger at me. My heart stuttered.
“What? Why?”
“You told Don you’d call him with all the gory details of your party on Saturday. He’s not happy with you, girl.” Shit. I told him I’d call him Sunday.
“Meh,” I said, waving her off with my hand. “I’ll pick him up the latest copy of Cosmo on my way into work. He’ll soon get over it.” Michelle giggled and then nodded.
“Lori, I really need to talk with you. Can we go sit in your car or something?” I hated asking and draggin
g her away from her lunch ‘date’. If she felt even a fraction of what I felt for Blaine for Michelle, then she’d probably been counting down the minutes until meeting up with her for lunch all morning.
“Um, sure. Is everything okay?” she asked, evidently concerned.
“Yeah. Well, no. Can I explain in the car?” My eyes locked with Michelle’s for a brief moment and I was sure she looked a little hurt. Guilt rippled through my veins as I suspected she was wondering why I wasn’t trusting her with whatever secret I was about to share with Lori. The truth was, Michelle was lovely and I definitely considered her a friend… just not my best friend.
As I followed Lori out to her car I wondered if she would tell Michelle what I was about to tell her. No. She wouldn’t. I was sure. I mean as much as I loved Blaine I would never – and never did – betray Lori’s trust. Then I decided I didn’t think I’d care even if she did. At least not with my secret. There and then I resolved not to divulge anything more about Blaine.
