Something Real

by J. J. Murray

  Nothing happens. I still feel a burning in my chest, and the tears start up again. "Did you hear me, Lord? I'm tired of the hurt; now take it away right now." More nothing happens. "You gone, too?"

  God's gone, too.

  I am alone.

  Twenty-Eight

  Three weeks pass like a bad dream. I don't go outside because I don't want anybody's eyes on me. "There go the woman who wants to marry the white man," they'll say. "She actually expected her church, a black church, to bless her marriage with a white man. Imagine!" I barely eat, shower only when I can't stand my funk, listen to the phone ring, and keep the door shut. I talk to Tonya and Dewey through the door, but I don't open it. I can't. I don't want them to see me. Tonya asks me to come over and eat popcorn, play some cards, go out to eat. "No," I say. "But thanks for the offer." Dewey just wants to hold me, and I want to hold him, too; but ... I can't open the damn door. There's just too much shit out there to step in. He's had no luck in finding us a church, and I've taken that as a sign from God that Dewey and me weren't meant to be.

  Even Naomi comes to my door, but I don't speak to her. I can't. I have nothing to say to her. Nothing nice, anyway, but I listen to her. "I'm praying all day long for you, Ruth," she says, "all night, too" I want to tell her that I tried that, and that the shit didn't work. Three people comin' to my door, sayin' their piece, and goin' back down the stairs. Dag, it's like my door is a shrine or something, but it ain't gonna be my door for much longer. I'll have to use Dewey's ring money to pay my rent this month, and there won't be any extra for my electric ... or my phone ... or my credit card bills.

  So what do I do all day while I'm waiting to be evicted and join Fred with a Mason jar on my ear? I look out my kitchen window and see the stubbornest leaves clinging to trees, the coldest rain dropping from gray skies, and the stubbornest gray people goin' on with their lives while mine ... stops ... cuz God is gone; God is gone away. Oh, sure, He leaves signs everywhere, but they all say "Do Not Enter" or "No Exit" or "Wrong Way, Go Back"

  On Thanksgiving Day, I'm in the apartment with half a package of crackers and a few shiny slices of ham for my big meal. No turkey, no corn bread stuffing, no mashed potatoes (the real ones with all the lumps that you make yourself), no corn pudding, no green beans with bacon and fatback, no greens, no chitlins, no deviled eggs, no brown gravy, no sweet potato pie. Crackers and old ham. I ain't alone, though. Got at least one rat tryin' to chew its way into my empty cupboards. Probably one of the rats my "medicine" fucked up this past summer. "Ain't no food here," I tell it, poking the walls with a broom handle, but still it scratches and claws. Damn, even rats are tryin' to get in to see me. I expect Jonas will be by sometime soon cuz he's the king of the rats. I should use the ham in my hands as bait for the smaller rat. Hell, the scent of it alone would probably kill him, and I know it's a male rat. A female rat wouldn't go to all this trouble. Nah, she'd take a sniff, smell nothin' tasty, and be on her way. Wish the roaches would do the same. It's like walking in a movie theater in here some nights, and I don't always remember to wear socks.

  Phone's been ringin' nonstop for the past few hours. That is one persistent someone, all right. Fifteen rings should be the maximum allowed by law, but that phone has rung at least a hundred times in a row. Is it Tonya? Nah. She got a life. Probably got someone over for dinner with her as the dessert. Might be Naomi, but I doubt it. She usually goes visiting all her relatives at Thanksgiving. Dewey? Hmm. Maybe. Wonder what he has to say. Probably the same old shit: "I haven't found us a church, Ruth, but I'm tryin'."

  I decide to pick it up. "Hello?"

  "Ruth, it's Meg. Dee's stuck up in a tree and won't come down for anyone but you"

  Dee's ... stuck in a tree? "What you mean, stuck?"

  "He's gone too high this time. He's way up near the top, Ruth. Dewey's too big to climb that high, and everyone in the Pine volunteer fire company is eatin' turkey. You gotta get down here!"

  No, I don't. "He'll come down when he's ready, Meg. He just bein' stubborn like before. He just after a little attention."

  "But an ice storm's movin' in, Ruth, and it's gettin' dark"

  Ice storm? What ice storm? I look out the window and see nothing but clear skies. "We havin' an ice storm?"

  "They callin' for it down here, and the clouds are rollin' in."

  Daa-em. Ice storms are a mess around here. "What time is it?"

  "Past three, now, are you comin'? He's callin' for you and you alone."

  Somebody's callin' my name. A little boy is callin' my name. "I have no way to get there, Meg, so you'll just have to-"

  "Can't you call a friend?"

  I only have one left. "I could, but-"

  "Make the call."

  "I don't know. It's Thanksgiving Day and all, so-"

  "Please, Ruth"

  I look out the window again. Sure enough, the horizon is darkening up with some ugly black clouds. "I'll try."

  "Please hurry!"

  I hang up and dial Tonya's. After seven rings, I get her voice mail. I hang up and stare at the phone. I ain't callin' Naomi. She probably ain't there anyway. No, Dee will be all right. He's just tryin' to get himself a little attention. He'll come down when the first cold rain and sleet hit him. He ain't dumb. No, I'm stayin' out of this little drama cuz it ain't my show no more.

  The phone rings again. I pick it up. "Couldn't get a ride, Meg. Sorry."

  "Ruth, it's Naomi."

  "Oh." I take a breath. "Thought you were somebody else." I start to hang up.

  "You say you need a ride somewhere?"

  Don't I always? "Yeah, but it's okay."

  "Where you need to go?"

  "Pine County, but it's okay."

  "I can take you, Ruth"

  "No, that's okay. Little Dee is supposedly stuck in a tree and won't come down, but I know he ain't stuck. He's just after a little attention."

  "I don't mind driving you, Ruth. Really."

  "Ain't you got relatives to visit?"

  "Already did. I'll be by in a few minutes."

  "That isn't necessary Click. Dag, two persistent women in a row. I gotta stop answering that phone.

  I slog through the clothes lumped on the floor in my bedroom and look for tree-climbing pants. I find some jeans and a sweatshirt that don't smell too bad, grab my coat, and stand at the door. I haven't left this apartment in almost a month, and here I am about to leave. I watch my hand touch the doorknob, watch my hand turn the doorknob, watch my hand pull the door back, and watch my feet step outside.

  I chuckle because I don't step in any shit and smile when I see the flowers. Dewey left me flowers, roses, on my doormat. Right wilted now, but ... There they are. My door has become a shrine.

  I drift down the stairs to the porch ... where Fred sits in a lawn chair, my jump rope in his hands. What's Fred doin' here ... now? And why wasn't he at the church to stand up for me? My heart races a whole lot faster.

  He hands me the jump rope before I can go off on him. "You better hurry, woman. That boy needs you"

  I take the rope. "He's really in danger?"

  "What you think, woman? You think I'd come over here when I could be eatin' turkey and stuffing at the jail? Of course he's in danger." He stands and stares up at me. "Now get your ass down there"

  I see Naomi's car flyin' down Vine. "Will I need the rope, Fred?"

  He nods. "Sure will."

  I swallow hard. "Thanks for coming."

  He turns me toward the stairs to the sidewalk. "Now go. You got a life to save"

  I take two steps and turn back. "Thanks for everything, Fred."

  "Yeah. And by the way, Ruth Lee Childress, God ain't gone. God ain't never been gone. You the one who is gone from Him."

  I nod. "I know."

  "Well, woman, if you know, then go find Him! Get your ass in gear!"

  I trot down the sidewalk and open the passenger door of Naomi's car before the car stops. "We have to hurry," I say, and she does a squealing U-turn across Vi
ne and floors it. "You know the way?"

  "To Pine County? Sure"

  I look at the streets whizzing by. "Dewey took some side street, but I'm not sure which one"

  "I know the way" She smiles. "I'll get you there, Ruth. What's the rope for?"

  "Don't know. Fred says I'll need it."

  Naomi finds the curvy road without any trouble, and as we pass the "Welcome to Pine County" sign, sleet starts pinging off the hood. Naomi slows down, her windshield wipers flying, her windows fogging up.

  "Can't you go a little faster?"

  "It's getting icy, girl. You know I don't like going out in this kind of weather."

  "But Dee's hands could slip."

  She slows to a crawl and wipes the windshield with her hand. "We need to get there in one piece, Ruth. Just tell me where to turn ""

  It's getting too dark, and the windows are too foggy to see anything outside, much less a dirt driveway, and Naomi slows down even more. I can't see a damn thing because the sleet is getting so thick and it's so dark and I'm about to shred this jump rope in my hands all to pieces and-

  "There!" I shout, and I point at a dented red mailbox.

  "Where?"

  I roll down the window, sleet flying into the car. "There! Turn there! At the mailbox!"

  "I don't see a mailbox, and that isn't a road, Ruth!"

  "It's their driveway!" I pull the wheel toward me, and the back end of Naomi's car slides to the left.

  "Let go, Ruth!"

  I let go. "Turn here," I say in a small voice as I roll up the window. "At the mailbox."

  "I'm turning already!"

  We bump and bounce down the dirt driveway to the farmhouse, mud spraying all over the car, and before Naomi can park the car behind Dewey's truck, I'm out and running over the slippery ground through the little forest to the tree, my jump rope whipping back and forth. The air burns my lungs, the sleet stings my eyes and face, and I slip and fall several times, mud caking on my knees and elbows. Couldn't have done this a few months ago. I race to the base of the tree and look up, calling, "Dee! Dee! I'm here! It's Penny!"

  I don't see him, and my heart flutters. Did he fall? Dear Jesus, help him!

  "Penny!„

  I turn and see Tee about halfway up the steep hill on the other side of the tree. "Where's Dee?"

  "We took him inside the church."

  "Church? What church?"

  She points up the hill where I can just make out a flickering amber glow and the outline of a small building. "That one""

  There wasn't a church there before, was there? I start up the hill behind Tee. "Is Dee hurt?"

  "He's awful quiet, Penny. Come on!"

  I try to keep up with her, but she's much too fast and nimble. I slip and fall several times, skinning my hands and knees. Okay, Lord, You made the ground soft for my feet, but this is ridiculous! By the time I reach the church, which is really a square barn with a little steeple and plastic sheets for windows, I am soaked, muddy, bleeding, and scared out of my mind. I bust through the door calling Dee's name-

  And see candles, lots of candles, all lit, all smelling like strawberries.

  I see Meg, and Kevin, and Mrs. Robertson, and Junie, and Diana, and Mildred, and is that Sam? It is! And Dewey's in overalls down front with Dee, and Tee's dropping flower petals down the aisle, and everybody's standing because there ain't no pews on the floor that's thick with sawdust-

  My God, Dewey done built us a church! He couldn't find us one, so he built it for us! That's why he moved down here. My man built me a church and set up our home!

  I hear Tonya to my right whispering something, and Naomi is smiling at me and saying something; but I can't hear them because I'm at my own wedding in the church my Dewey built and it's beautiful and I'm weeping, and Holy God, I've found You!

  You ain't been gone, God. You've just been waiting for me in Pine County. Thank You for comin' to my wedding.

  I turn to Naomi. "Did ... Did you know about this?"

  "It was her idea," Tonya says. "It was all her idea, Ruth. Except for this drafty building, that is. That was all your man."

  I look down at my muddy jeans and see a tear at one knee. I laugh at all the mud at my elbows and feel sleet dripping off my hair and down my back. "But I'm not dressed"

  from my trembling hand, replacing it with a bouquet of col"Sure you are," Tonya says, and she takes the jump rope orful wildflowers. "Look around, girl. You about as dressed up as anyone else."

  Everyone is wearing jeans, flannel shirts, and boots, even Junie and Mildred. My wedding is lookin' like a hoedown about to begin. "But I look a mess, y'all."

  Dee leaves Dewey's side and takes Tee's hand. They skip up the aisle to me and take my hands as Kevin strums "The Wedding March" This is really happening! I'm about to get married on Thanksgiving Day! "Come on, Penny," Dee says. "Let's go"

  I let them lead me down the aisle, crying and laughing at the same time, smiling and crying and laughing at all the folks around me who are crying and laughing and smiling at me. The children stop me next to Dewey. Tee puts my hand in Dewey's, and I hold on to that hand with all my might.

  "Surprise," he says.

  I can only nod because I'm gonna like surprises from now on.

  Sam stands in front of us. " 'Bout time you got here, Ruth," he says as he checks his imaginary watch.

  "Yep," I say. And I never thought I'd be here. Never.

  "I'm gonna skip all the dearly beloved stuff if y'all don't mind and get right down to it." Sam opens a tattered Bible and finds his place. "First, the Bible reading. I've chosen a passage that I've always loved, because it's all about love, the purest kind of love. Gonna read a little bit from the book of Ruth." I squeeze Dewey's hand tighter and feel all sorts of calluses. He built me a church with his own two hands!

  " `And Ruth said, intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people will be my people, and thy God my God. Where thou diest, I will die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.' " Sam closes his Bible, and chill bumps race up and down my arms. "Those were the original marriage vows, and they were spoken by Ruth to her mother-in-law all those thousands of years ago" He smiles. "I'm sure you'd rather say them to Dewey, though, right, Ruth?"

  "Right," I say. I smile at Meg and see tears in her eyes.

  "And since this is gonna be a marriage," Sam continues, "I want you to say your vows to each other at the same time. I want you to marry your words together."

  While Kevin plays from his symphony, my grubby hands gripping Dewey's callused hands, we say our vows together: "Where you go, I will go. Where you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God."

  Dewey slides on my ring. "With this ring, Ruth Childress, I thee wed."

  "But I don't have a-" I start to say, but I feel a ring in my hand and see Tonya sneaking away. Lord, she bought me that dress, and now the ring? I ain't gettin' a gift from her for the rest of my life! I look in my hand and see a ring that matches the one on my finger, only it's much bigger. I slide it onto Dewey's finger, and it fits like a dream. "With this ring, Dewey Baxter, I thee wed"

  "I now pronounce you husband and wife," Sam says, and he steps away. "Y'all know what to do next"

  I hold Dewey's face in my hands. "You built me a church, Mr. Baxter."

  Tears roll out of his eyes. "I had to, Mrs. Baxter."

  "I know." I wipe away some of his tears. "Thank you."

  "You're welcome."

  "Oh, come on now!" Meg yells. "Kiss each other for God's sake so we can do us some dancin'!"

  Dewey and I crack up, kiss for one precious moment, and hold each other while the folks around us clap. I feel a tug on my arm and look down at Dee.

  "What is it?"

  He points at the jump rope stretched across the floor, Tee holding the other end. "Y'all gotta jump over it toge
ther now."

  You're gonna need it, Fred said. God, bless Fred something special tonight.

  Then ... Dewey and I jump the rope, and for the rest of that blessed evening in that tiny church on the hill above the tree, we flat-foot the mud off all those boots (and the wheels of Mildred's wheelchair) to the tunes rolling out of Kevin's guitar. And in the middle of all that joy and laughter (and some really bad dancing), I realize something: the life I have saved tonight, the life I've been saving all along, is my own.

  epilogue

  P. 0. Box 3473 Pine, VA 23789

  Frederick Douglass Carter, Junior Room 623 VA Hospital Calhoun, VA 24555

  Dear Fred,

  Thank you for your letter. It really made my day. Sorry I haven't called or visited you at the hospital. I'm a newlywed, what can I say? You're more than welcome to come down for a visit once you heal up, but don't be surprised if Meg puts you to work. She's a hard-working something. Probably why she's so small. She's just done worked her flesh clean off. And so have I. You wouldn't recognize me. I am skinnier than Tonya now, and it won't be long till I'm skinnier than Naomi. And nowadays I don't care how many freckles I get. The Lord made me that way, and who am I to question Him?

  So what have I been up to (as if you don't know)? Well, aside from tending to my children, who call me Mama (and mean it), I help Meg run her truck farm while Dewey commutes to Calhoun every day to play with the trains. I learned how to drive finally, but not Dewey's truck. The damn thing stalls out too much on me; so I drive Meg's old dusty truck, and we putt along fine. Just don't ask me to parallel park or drive when it's icy. Tee and Dee go to a good little elementary school down the way, and I volunteer when I can, which ain't often cuz Meg keeps me busy. Running a truck farm is hard work. I spent most of the winter canning, spent all of the spring cultivating, and I'm going to spend the summer pickin'. You should come down and help me. And bring some of your friends, too. Bet you could even get Diana out of the shop, too. They could all use the fresh air.