Alice by Accident

by Lynne Reid Banks

  The menus were huge cards and Gene read me what I could order but the food was funny. There was nothing really that I liked because most of it was red meat or strange things. I only like the food I’m used to and Gene always says I’m a fusspot and sometimes she’s been really annoyed with me when I say I don’t like things, but this night she was nice. She asked the waiter if he could bring me some spaghetti and grated cheese. She made me taste her food (she had three different things) she says I’m missing all the good tastes and that I must keep trying new things but I only liked the little potatoes, and afterwards there were some yellow soft sweet things that tasted like orange marzipan, and I did like those alot, but I liked my ice cream best.

  I forgot to say that we weren’t alone, there were some Spanish people at the table. Gene had taught me to say “Hola” which means hello and I said it to everyone and shook hands before we sat down. Then I was allowed just to eat while all the grown-ups talked in English with Spanish accents. I thought they were all actors but Gene said they were just people to do with making the film.

  I was hoping and hoping that I’d be able to watch the filming but Gene said I couldn’t because I’d be in the way, and that I was to have a minder. That night we slept in our double beds. I’d never slept in such a huge bed before and it was rather lonely. I hoped Gene would say I could cuddle in with her but she didn’t. She said she had to get a good night’s sleep because of filming in the morning. She went to bed the same time as I did!

  Before it was even light someone knocking woke me up. While I was still half asleep a man came right into the room with a tray of coffee to help Gene wake up. Then we got dressed and then there was another knock on the door. Gene said it was my minder. Of course I thought it would be a woman so I nearly fell over when I opened it and outside was a man!!!

  He was young and tall and had black shiny hair and a mustash. He was drop dead gorgeous like a movie star and I just staired at him and he smiled at me and bowed and put his hand out. I went to shake it but he kissed it! I felt terribly shy.

  “Alice, this is One,” she said. Later I found out you spell it Juan but I always think of him as One. I knew, I absolutely knew that Mum would go spare and ape and bananas if she knew I had a man minder, especially a young one, especially when Gene didn’t even know him, but Gene just said “One will look after you. I’ll see you this evening after work. Then she kissed me and waved to One and I was left alone with him.

  I was so scared. I thought he was going to do sex to me strait away. One smiled at me and said with his Spanish accent, “Alice, you are the same age as my little girl and I am going to take you to play with her.”

  Mummy’s told me so often never to go with strange men no matter what they say to tempt you. I just didn’t know what to do. I felt frozen to the floor!! But I thought I can’t just stay in this bedroom all day and besides I was starving.

  So I said in a kind of squeaky voice can we have breakfast first, and he said, “Of course. Shall we eat in the dining room? Somehow that made me feel better because nobody does sex to people in a dining room, so I kind of unfroze and we went down in the lift together where I suppose you could, but he didn’t, and we went to the big dining room and the waiter pulled out my chair again and everything seemed normal even the breakfast which I chose from a long table that had everything you could ever want to eat for breakfast on it, except toast. But I had a crussant with jam in fact three (One had to cut them open for me cos they’re so skwudgy my first one fell to bits).

  So then we got in his car and drove through the streets for quite a long way and I was worried again, I began to think he was kidnaping me so I asked him, and he gave a big larf and said “If I did your grandmother would kill me and I don’t want to die.” I said my mother would kill you too and he said I don’t want to die twice.”

  After that I felt safe with him and anyway we got to his house and his wife Inez was there and his little girl. Her name sounded like One-eater. I started larfing, I couldn’t help it because I thought she might as well be called “Eat-my-Dad” (like Bart Simpson says “Eat my shorts”!!!). Later Gene wrote it for me, it’s Juanita.

  Anyway the day with Juanita started really well, we played in the garden in the morning, Juanita had this great play-house made like a real house with windows and a door with a key and there was like a shop inside with a counter and shelves and lots of little jars of real things like dried beans and mackeroni in them and a scales and little bags and we played shop all morning and I taught her the English words for things and I learnt to say, “I want some of those and how much in Spanish but I’ve forgotten it now.

  Juanita spoke quite alot of English and I was surprised. They learn it at school. We’ve started French but I couldn’t speak to a French person. I wondered how come Spanish kids learn English so quickly. I asked Juanita and she said, “you must to learn English so that is why” which didn’t make much sense.

  Then we had lunch, a proper sitdown lunch with One and Inez, it was very funny ricey stuff called pieaya which was pretty, not a pie, more like a painting of food than something you eat. I didn’t like to say I didn’t like it so I ate some and I found I did like it (only not the musles which are really gross).

  The day came to a bad end though which I don’t like to think about. I’d better write it and get rid of it. Juanita told me about her little cousin who was coming to play in the afternoon. She pulled a face. When the cousin came I saw why. His name was Clowdio, he was younger than us and he didn’t speak English and had a runny nose and he was an awful newsance so Juanita wispered to me let’s do a trick. So we played hide-and-seek and when Clowdio hid in the play-house we sneaked up to it and locked him in with the key. The trick was Juanita’s idea but if I have to tell the truth, he only hid in there because I told him to.

  We only ment to leave him there for a bit so we could finish our game we’d been playing before he came (we’d stopped playing shop) but he was making noises and knocking so we went to the front garden where there was a good climing tree and we played “Gorillas in the Mist”. She hadn’t seen the film but Mum had the video and I told her about it. I was the big gorilla who creeps up and touches her hand.

  Then One called us because Clowdio’s mother had come to take him home. One said “Where’s Clowdio?” and we looked at each other. It had been a long time since we locked him in the play-house and we’d forgotten all about him. Juanita said something in Spanish in a little mumbly voice and One and Inez rushed out into the garden and brought Clowdio in. He was all crying and histerical. I got a shock and so did Juanita I could see from her face which went all white.

  Of course One couldn’t tell me off much because I was a gest but Juanita really caught it. I was shocked again because her mother grabbed her and shook her and smacked her bottom hard twice, and then dragged her off upstairs. Clowdio’s mother looked at me, a terrible cold look as if she’d like to kill me. She picked Clowdio up and carried him away.

  Then I had to leave. On the way back to the hotel in the car One asked “Well Alice was it you put it into Juanita’s head to do something so cruel?” He was blaming me. I wanted to say that it was Juanita’s idea but I didn’t want to snitch because I could see they were a smacking family. But I felt very very horrible and I cried but he didn’t say anything nice to make me feel better, like Mum mostly does if she’s told me off and made me cry, he just took me into the hotel and sat with me in the foyay. He never said one more word.

  I watched the big revolving doors until I saw Gene come in to the hotel. I was so scared One would snitch on me about Clowdio but he didn’t. Gene was looking very tired and she didn’t ask him anything, just thanked him and kissed me and took me up to our room. I didn’t even say goodbye to One, I didn’t get a chance because he just walked away.

  I was determined not to cry or do anything that would make Gene ask me questions but she guessed something was wrong. She kept asking and in the end I told her. She sat with me on the bed with he
r arm around me and after a long time she said, “Well, darling, that was pretty mean all right, Clowdio was probably frightened in there, but sometimes one does things without thinking. I did something worse than that once.” I asked what, and she told me she’d lost her temper and pushed her little cousin off the end of a jetty into a lake and he’d nearly drowned. She said “I used to get furious with him because he was such a little pest. But I loved him really and after that I knew I had to control my temper. I’ve got an awful temper, and that’s something you haven’t got. You just did what you did out of thoughtlessness and that’s not as bad as doing it out of anger.” After that I cried some more and she cuddled me and then I changed into another new Jess-dress and we went down for dinner.

  This time there were no other people we had to eat with and Gene said, “That dining room’s a bit toffee nosed. Would you like it better if we went out and found some little place? Maybe they’ve got something like Pinocchio’s.” All we could find was a McDonald’s which I’ve never been in because I’m not allowed beef but I don’t think Mum knows you can get chickenburgers. Gene eats beef, she says if she’s going to get mad cow disease she caught it years ago so she had a half-pounder with double cheese and we got two big boxes of chips, and she said this is very bad for my figger.” I forgot to say Gene is rather fat but she dresses to hide it.

  I’m going to watch Oprah Winfry with Mum. I love her. Last week it was about men who beat up their wives. Mum switched off before the end cos those men made her sick but I saw most of it. Gene used to say Mum lets me watch unsuitable programmes. She said it was wrong for young children to watch grown-up programmes or rubbishy programmes. Gene thinks alot of what’s on TV is junk and nearly all pop is junk and that was what the Big Row was about, well part of it. I’ll write about that tomorrow. Right now I have to write a made-up story for Brandy. I’m going to be very careful of punctuation this time so she can’t grumble and I’ll get an A.

  SCHOOL NOTEBOOK

  THE MAGIC CARTOON

  by Alice Williamson-Stone

  Crystal was watching her favourite cartoon. It was The Simpsons. While she was larfing at it, there was a freeze-frame. Suddenly Bart Simpson stepped out of the TV leaving Lisa and Maggie moshunless on the screen.

  “Hi, Crystal!” Bart said, and started to grow! He grew until he was as big as Crystal. But he was still yellow and he still had big round eyes and his hair still stuck up like a crown and he still had only four fingers. He said, “I’ve been wanting to visit England because I think I can do some serious damidge here. Only joking! Do you have a skateboard?” Crystal was so surprised she just shook her head. Bart said share mine and he produced it from behind his back.

  They went out and Bart stepped on to his skateboard and said jump on behind me. Then they started and it was just like at the beginning of the cartoon when Bart comes flying out of school and then crossing roads without looking and causing kayos. Crystal hung on to Bart’s waist and let him do all the steering and it was the biggest fun she’d ever had. Everyone was stairing and jumping out of the way and a policeman chased them but he couldn’t catch them and then they came to the river and Bart got up speed and then they just flew right across! They bounced once on the top of a barge that was going by.

  When they landed on the other bank Bart stopped and said “now let’s do something wicked.” Crystal didn’t much want to be wicked so she said “I wish Lisa was here” and Bart said “Lisa’s a pain in the but, don’t you like being with me?” Crystal said, “Yes, sorry, I loved the ride, what do you want to do?” Bart said, “Let’s go bust in on the Queen.” OK said Crystal, the palace is just up this main road.

  So they zoomed along some more right over a traffic jam using the roofs of the red buses and bouncing off the cars and when they came to Buckingham Palace the guards started running around trying to stop them getting in but Bart just did a great big leap with his skateboard and they sailed right over the iyon fence. Bart maniged to snatch one of the guard’s big fir hats off and put it on his head and it came right down to his shoulders! So he didn’t see the Queen as she came rushing out of the palace to see what was happening and he ran right into her and knocked her flying, and Crystal and Bart went flying too and they all landed up in a heap.

  The guards opened the big gates and surrounded them and pointed their rifles at Bart who said is there a problem officers? like Eddy Murphy in Trading Places. They tried to arrest Bart and Crystal but the Queen got up and said “You foolish men can’t you see that this is the famous and fabulous Bart Simpson? Form a guard of honour!” So they stood in two lines and the Queen led them in between to the doors of the palace and she even made one guard carry Bart’s skateboard in front of them on a cushon.

  When they got inside Crystal wispered “Bart take your hat off it’s rude to wear hats in the house” so Bart took off the fir hat and the queen gave a shreek and said, “Bart, you’ve got a crown just like me are you Royal?” and Bart said No mam that’s just the way my hair grows. The Queen said, “I wish my hair grew like yours then I wouldn’t have to wear the crown, it’s so heavy it gives me a headake.” And she asked them to stay for tea. Crystal was glad it was Bart and not Homer because Homer’s table manners are so terrible but Bart ate quite nicely and when he reached too far for a cake Crystal nudged him and the queen passed it to him very gratiously.

  After tea the Queen asked if they wanted to skateboard home or if they’d like a ride in her roles Roys. Bart said yes mam if I can ride on the roof and the Queen said that would be OK. So they drove back home with Crystal sitting beside the uniformed choffer and Bart balancing on his skateboard on the roof and shouting Hi there you poor Brits don’t you wish you lived in Springfield USA! to the crowds. The crowds didn’t like this and some of them threw things at him but he just caught the things and threw them back so it was a very exciting trip.

  When they got back into the house Bart said “I gotta go now” and he climed back into the TV and the freeze-frame started moving again and Lisa said wherever have you been Bart and he said visiting the Queen of England and she said in your dreams! and just then I woke up it had all been in my dream but what a good dream it was.

  Quite a good effort, Alice. Copy spellings 5 times each: motionless, damaged, gracious, cushion, Rolls Royce, shriek, iron, fur, chaos, chauffeur, headache, managed.

  B+.

  B plus! B plus! I just don’t believe it. I worked half the night and tried my very very best. I read it to Nicola before school and she said it was absolutely brilliant. Mum thought so too when I read it to her on the train. She said it was my best story. And Brandy gives me a lousy rotten stinking B plus!

  I wrote motionless out five times and damaged twice then I gave up. I’m not writing them out five times for her. Of course she well told me off but I was so cross I said, “Miss Brand I thought you gave me an unfair mark. It was a really good story.” She said yes Alice it was. But A is for nearly perfect work and there were still alot of punctuation mistakes and I didn’t like you ending it with “it was all a dream”. Don’t you hate stories that end like that? I hadn’t thought about it, I was tired and I just wanted to end it, and Brandy said, exactly. It’s a cop-out, Alice. If you’re going to put magic into a story, make it real magic, that way we won’t feel cheated. Oooh I hate her hate hate hate her. If Copper was here I’d get her to bite her. Only Copper’s not like Lady, she doesn’t bite people.

  I want to write about the first letter. The one Mum censered.

  One night soon after the Big Row we got home and there was a letter for me from Gene. I picked it up off the mat but Mum snatched it. She said she had to read it first. Mum has never even peeped into my letters (Gene used to write to me alot) and I threw a fit but she just said I have to Alice, I can’t have her turning you against me. I said Gene wouldn’t do that and she said “Oh wouldn’t she.” She went to her bedroom and bolted the door.

  She was in there for ever. At first I stood and shouted through the door �
�Give me my letter, what about my privacy?” but she didn’t come out and I got hungry so I went and had two choclate biscuits. When she came out she said there, and handed me a letter in her handwriting. I said what’s this, and she said, “there were things in the letter I didn’t want you to read so I’ve copied it out without those things.” Mum is dead against censership in movies and books and I shouted, “You censered my letter!” and she said yes I did, now read it or don’t and leave me alone, I’ve got enough to be upset about. And she went back into her room and bolted the door again and I could hear her crying.

  I’ll stick the letter Mum gave me in here.

  * * *

  My darling Alice,

  Well, this is horrible, isn’t it. It’s a bit like when people get divorced. They always tell the children, “This is nothing to do with you, we love you just the same, we just can’t get on with each other.” This is true this time. Mummy and I can’t get on and we’re angry with each other but I still love you and of course Mummy is still your Number One which is the main thing. But I miss you a bunch and a bundle and a barrel and a heap. And one day maybe you and I will be able to see each other and in the meantime I’m still your grandma even if I can’t be your Number Two.

  Love forever, Gene

  * * *

  Well I knew when Mum copied it she must of left out most of it because when I picked it up from the hall mat before Mum snatched it I felt it was really thick and this was just one mouldy paragraph. It drives me crazy not knowing what she left out.

  I waited for Mum to come out of her bedroom which she had to in the end because crying always makes her want to see TV. She walked strait to the set and turned it on and I turned it off and she turned it on. She said “Alice don’t do that, I am not in the mood.” I stood in front of the TV so she couldn’t watch and started to nag her. What happened with Gene, why did you row with her, why aren’t I going to see her any more? At first she just wouldn’t say a word, not anything, but I kept on at her until she suddenly took hold of me and sat me down on the sofa. Actully she almost threw me, it was almost like Mrs Blewitt. “All right, she said, this is what happened.