Rank

by D. R. Graham

  “I’m sorry to hurt you, but I deserve more than what you can give me.”

  I stared at her, desperate to think of something to say that would change her mind. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” She blinked and the tears rolled down her cheeks. “I always have, but I can’t anymore. I’m sorry, Billy.” She reached forward and, although it seemed to pain her, she ended the call.

  I stood up and threw my iPad across the room. It slammed against the wall and the screen shattered. Rage flared inside me and I pushed the entire bookcase over. Everything dumped off it as it toppled to the floor with a crash. I threw a bunch of shit against the wall in a crazy rampage. Then I stood in the middle of my room staring at the mess.

  “What the hell?” Cole asked as he stood in my doorway assessing the damage.

  An impulse to beat the hell out of him tore through my muscles, but I knew it would upset Mom, so I exhaled to control my fury. “Get out of my way.” I shoved past him, ran down the hall, and burst out the front door. I sprinted down the street for about a block before slowing to a jog. Eventually, I ran out of steam and had to walk. I pulled out my phone and called Tawnie. “Listen, I’m tired of whatever game you think you’re playing. Call me back or I’m going to hire a lawyer. I have rights as a father and you can’t dick me around. Stop being a bitch and do the right thing.”

  Chapter 24

  The following Wednesday, I took half a day off from Hank’s to interview home-care candidates. It was just after noon when I got home. Cole’s truck was in the driveway, but he wasn’t around, so I thought he hadn’t gotten out of bed. I pounded on his bedroom door. “Get up. The first interview is in ten minutes.” There was no answer, so I knocked again. “Jesus, Cole. Could you please act like an adult instead of a fifteen-year-old stoner for just one day?” I opened the door. He wasn’t in his room and the bed was made. I texted him as the doorbell rang.

  After the last interview was over, I leaned on Mom’s bedroom door. “The person I hired is going to start on Friday.”

  Mom nodded so I would know she heard me, but she wasn’t happy about it.

  “I have to run an errand, but I won’t be gone long. Will you be okay alone for about an hour?”

  “Yes. Please don’t baby me.” She glanced out the window at Cole’s truck. “Where’s your brother?”

  I shrugged and ran my hands through my hair. “Is it all right if I ask you a question?”

  She nodded.

  “If you could have changed Dad, what would you have wanted him to be like?”

  She smiled in a nostalgic way, but it faded. “Why do you ask?”

  “I just don’t want to be like him.”

  “You’re not like him. You got his good looks and bull riding talent, but you never were like him in any of the ways that matter. You were more of a man by the time you were thirteen than he ever was. Just be yourself, baby.”

  I crossed the room and hugged her.

  She pressed her lips together as if she was trying to force her mouth into a smile. She wasn’t quite successful. “Try to track your brother down and make sure he’s all right.”

  I nodded, closed her door, and called Ron Miller as I walked out to my truck. “Hey, is it too late to sign up for the stock contractor event?”

  “You’d be bumping one guy out, but it’s your choice since you’re ranked higher.”

  “Would I be bumping Cole, Tyson or Blake?”

  “No, it’s a young kid named Mikey.”

  “Good. Count me in.”

  I hung up and called Cole again, but he still wasn’t answering, so I left another message, “Thanks for your help with the interviews, shit head. I’m leaving for Calgary Friday morning at eight. If you’re not here, I’m leaving without you.” I hung up and drove to the bank. I took out all the money I had in my tuition account, then headed over to the Palomino.

  Stephanie opened a bottle of beer and put it on the bar for me as I sat down on a barstool. “What are you doing here on a night off?”

  “Is your brother still a bookie?” I asked her.

  “Yeah.”

  I slid the envelope of money across the bar. “Will you place this bet for the stock contractor event this weekend in Calgary for me?” I handed her a piece of paper with all the details.

  She read what I wanted to bet on, then opened the envelope and fanned through the stack of hundreds. “How much is this?”

  “Ten thousand.”

  “It’s a lot of money to throw away if you’re wrong.”

  “Let’s not think about that, all right?”

  She nodded and tucked the envelope in the till. “How’s that girl you’re sweet on?”

  “She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she’s smart.”

  Stephanie laughed and walked away to serve some middle aged guys at the other end of the bar. When she came back, she leaned her elbows on the bar and smiled at me in a way that felt a lot like pity. “Don’t give up, darling. My husband chased me for two years before I finally gave in.”

  “It’s not that simple. I got another girl pregnant.”

  “Jesus, Billy.” She straightened and shook her head in disappointment. “Why’d you go and do that?”

  “I’m an idiot.” I tilted the beer bottle back and drank all of it. “See you next week.” I stood up.

  “Good luck.”

  I couldn’t tell by the look on her face whether she was referring to the bet or the mess my life was in.

  When I got home, I sat in my truck staring at my phone. Every day since Shae-Lynn had broken it off, I had resisted the urge to call her, but the longer I sat there staring at my phone the more trouble I had convincing myself that avoiding her was for the best, especially since it was her birthday. Eventually, I texted her two lines from a Lady Antebellum song that expressed how much I missed her.

  She wrote: We Owned The Night.

  I miss you so bad I can barely breathe.

  There was a pause before she wrote back: I don’t know that one.

  I’m Dying Without You by Billy Ray Ryan.

  Sounds like a sad song.

  Heartbreaking.

  After a long delay, my phone buzzed again: Show them how it’s done Saturday night.

  Are you going to be there?

  There was no response.

  By Friday, Cole still hadn’t come home or called. The home care nurse showed up as I was packing my gear into my truck. Right after I hung up from leaving another message with Cole, a friend of his from high school walked up the driveway. “Hey, Billy.”

  “Hey, Al. What’s up?”

  “Just came by to pick up my new truck.”

  Confused, I frowned and stared at his goofy grin. “What are you talking about?”

  “Cole sold me his truck and a bunch of his other shit. He said he’d leave the keys on the kitchen counter because he wasn’t going to be here.”

  “Where did he say he was going to be?”

  “He didn’t. He just said he would leave all the other stuff in the truck.”

  “What other stuff?”

  “His fishing gear, tool kit, hockey equipment, flat screen, and his buckles.” He handed me a piece of paper. It was a bill of sale that had Cole’s signature on it. “He told me to give you the money.”

  “The truck’s worth more than this.” I pointed to the amount written on the paper. “The damn thing is only three years old.”

  Al shrugged. “I didn’t expect him to take my first offer.” He handed over a wad of cash and a cheque. “I had to post date some of it until I get paid. Is that all right?”

  I rubbed my eyes. “It’s not enough anyway, so it doesn’t matter when you pay it.”

  “That’s what Cole and I agreed on. I already transferred the insurance over.”

  “I mean it’s not enough to cover his debt. Never mind. I’ll get the keys.” I found the keys on the counter and opened the back door
to toss them out to Al.

  “Thanks, man.”

  “Yeah. Enjoy.”

  I didn’t want to watch him drive away, so I closed the door and leaned on it. When Cole was eighteen, he gave away everything he owned and then went out to the barn with Dad’s shotgun. He sat on a chair with the gun on the floor between his feet. The stick he used to push the trigger slipped and caused the gun to tilt, so he ended up blowing a hole through the roof instead of his head. Grandpa stopped him before he was able to set up for a second try. Then he was hospitalized and diagnosed. None of us ever talked about it afterwards.

  I walked down the hall to the den where we kept the gun cabinet. The firearms were all accounted for and the lock was in place, which didn’t mean too much since he had enough medication to off himself in a much less messy way.

  He didn’t leave a suicide note the first time, but I checked his room to see if he had this time. Nothing initially looked out of the ordinary in his room and there was no note lying around. The wooden box of my dad’s rodeo and childhood mementos was open on the floor. The photos were spread out and some of the letters were unfolded. On the top of the pile was a picture of Dad and Cole at Cole’s first professional rodeo. Cole had won, and Dad had his arm across his shoulders, which was as close to a hug as either one of us ever got. They were sitting on the tailgate of Dad’s truck.

  That’s when I realized where Cole probably was.

  I made my way down the hall and stepped into the kitchen. I shut my eyes and slowly opened the door to the garage. A faint smell of engine oil and exhaust fumes wafted towards the open door. My eyelids clenched tighter, waiting for another odour to hit me. I really didn’t want to be the one to find his dead body, but Mom finding it would have been worse. It took every bit of strength I had to open my eyes. My racing heart stopped. Then I exhaled the breath I’d been holding. Dad’s truck was gone and the only thing left was a giant oil spot on the concrete.

  I phoned Blake and woke him up, again.

  “What the fuck, Ryan? Don’t you sleep?”

  “Cole has until Saturday to pay up, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, they wouldn’t do anything to him before that, right?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yes, you do and if I find out that they touched one hair on his body before then, I’ll come after you. You understand?”

  “Whatever. I’m not scared of you, Billy, and what those guys do to Cole has nothing to do with me.”

  “It will have something to do with you if I go to the cops.”

  “Go ahead. I don’t care if my dad goes to prison. You’d be doing me a favour.”

  “Just make sure they don’t hurt him. I’ll get the money.”

  “Have you fucked Shae yet? Because I was thinking about giving it another go with her — whether she wants to or not.”

  My jaw muscles clenched and my left hand curled into a fist. “I’m going to assume that was your attempt at some sort of asshole sense of humour, but in case you’re serious, I should probably warn you that I would gladly rot in jail next to your dad if it came to that. Don’t go anywhere near her.”

  “We’ll see. She might choose me when I beat you this weekend.”

  “Too bad you’re not going to beat me.”

  He laughed. “We’ll see about that too.”

  I hung up and turned around. Mom was leaning on the archway that led to the dining room. “Was that about Cole?”

  I shook my head and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, so she wouldn’t see the lie.

  “Did you get a hold of him?”

  “He said he’s going to meet me in Calgary.” I looked down at the ground and ran my finger across my eyebrow.

  “Billy. Don’t lie to me.”

  I made eye contact. “He said he was going to be there.”

  “Where’s he been?”

  “He didn’t tell me.”

  She frowned and studied my expression for a long time before she crossed the floor and turned the tap on. “If I find out you’re lying and he’s dead in a ditch somewhere or has his mouth wrapped around a shotgun, I’ll whup your ass.”

  “You mean you’ll get your nurse to whup my ass.”

  She smiled and turned the garburator on. It worked. I watched the water swirl down the drain and considered telling her the truth. It would only stress her out though, so I decided not to.

  “Come here, hon.” She put her arms out so I would step in for a hug. She squeezed me tightly and kissed my cheek. “I take that back. It’s not your responsibility to make sure your brother is all right. Have a good ride this weekend. Make your daddy proud.”

  “I’d rather make you proud.”

  “I already couldn’t be more proud of you.”

  I closed my eyes and squeezed her one more time. “I’m not perfect, Ma.”

  “I know, honey.”

  “Love you.” I put my hat on and left.

  Chapter 25

  Rochelle pulled into the hotel parking lot in Calgary the same time as I did, so I carried her bag inside for her.

  “Has Tawnie talked to you yet?” she asked as we checked in at the lobby desk.

  “No. Why? What has she said to you?”

  She shrugged and handed the girl her credit card. “Nothing. She didn’t want to talk about it. Lee-Anne was the one who told me.” She sighed and leaned against the desk as the girl processed my card and handed me a key card.

  “Do you think Tawnie would lie about something like that?”

  “I don’t know. She did say she needed to talk to you. That’s why we went to the Lemongrass that night. She said you had stopped calling, and she was hoping you’d be there so she could talk to you.”

  “Did she seem upset or excited?”

  “Neither. She just seemed eager to find you. We got there right before you went up on stage and sang that song for Shae. That was so adorable, by the way. Tawnie didn’t think so, obviously. When Shae pulled you outside, Tawnie downed her shot and mine before going after you. I felt bad for Tawnie, but honestly, I was secretly so excited that Shae was getting what she has wanted for so long. I guess this baby kind of puts a wrench in that.”

  “She drank two shots?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re positive?”

  “Yeah.”

  My phone buzzed with a text from Lyle asking where my brother was. “Thanks Rochelle,” I said distracted. “I need to go. I’ll see you around.” I walked over to the fairgrounds and crossed the lot to where the participants were parked. I was hoping to see the Roberts’ motorhome, but it wasn’t there. I asked a few people I knew if they’d seen Cole — nobody had. Mutt and all the other guys were sitting around a campfire drinking beer when I walked up.

  “Hey, Billy. Welcome back from retirement.” Mutt tossed a can of beer at me.

  “Thanks.” I sat down on a fold up chair and opened the pull-tab.

  “We heard that you and Tawnie are going to be proud parents.”

  “We’ll see,” I mumbled.

  They all laughed, probably because they were glad it was my problem and not theirs.

  “Have you been training a lot?” Mutt asked.

  “Nope. I haven’t trained at all.”

  They all laughed again. Mutt almost snorted beer out his nose. “So, I’m going to need to be on my toes when you get tossed.”

  “I’d appreciate that, thank you.”

  He clapped his hands and then rubbed them together. “This is going to be a great event. Both Ryan boys. Both Wiese boys. And every other cowboy with try and rocks for brains. All in one arena with a bunch of rank bulls. I live for this shit.”

  We all toasted to that.

  “Where the hell is your brother?”

  I shrugged. “Well, if he doesn’t show up by tomorrow, my top three guesses will be murdered, committed suicide, or run off to Mexico with some chick he just met.”

  They all thought I was jok
ing.

  Three beers in, Mutt was in the middle of telling a story when he stopped mid-sentence and said, “Man, this weekend keeps getting better.”

  I turned to look over my shoulder at what he was already looking at. Tawnie walked up and stood in front of the campfire. “Hey, Billy. Can we go for a walk?”

  “I’m kind of busy right now.”

  She frowned and looked around at each of the guys who were all staring at her. “I thought you wanted to talk.”

  “That was before I figured out you were lying. Now I couldn’t care less.”

  She tucked her hair behind her ears. “Can we please talk privately?”

  “You had your chance to talk privately. You didn’t return any of my calls. Now I’m busy. You can say what you need to say in front of these guys.”

  “I would rather not.”

  “Admit to them that you lied and I’ll talk to you privately.”

  She looked around again and shifted her weight to her other foot. “I lied, okay? I was never pregnant and the only reason I said it is because I’m jealous that you chose Shae instead of me. Are you satisfied?”

  “Yeah.” I got up and walked with her to the back of the lot where the horses were penned.

  “I’m sorry, Billy. I never should have lied about being pregnant.”

  “Well, you did and now everything with Shae-Lynn is ruined.”

  “I’ll talk to her and explain everything.”

  “She’s not the problem. She’s the most forgiving person on the planet. It’s her dad who’s never going to let me near her. He thinks I’m a major douche bag who knocked you up and tried to move on to his daughter.”

  “I’ll talk to him and tell him the truth.”

  “It won’t make a difference.”

  “How did you know it wasn’t true?”

  “I heard that you were drinking at the bar. I know you would never drink alcohol if you knew you were pregnant.”

  “I’m sorry, Billy. I saw you and Shae together and you both looked so happy. It just blurted out of my mouth. I don’t even know why.”

  I hooked my thumbs in my back pockets and kicked at the fence post. “You really messed me up.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry isn’t good enough. I was ready to step up to the plate to support you. I even started to look forward to the idea of being a dad.”