Birdsong

by Sebastian Faulks

  He crossed to the southern end of the boulevard and began walking. He could not believe that the house would be there; it had the same unreliable quality as his memory of dying, when his life had lured him back with uncertain promises, or of his recollection of passages of battle, when time had seemed to collapse.

  Then he saw the red ivy that crept up to the stone balcony on the first floor; the formidable front door with its ornate ironwork; the grey slate roof that plunged in various angles over the irregular shape of the rooms and passageways it covered. Its solid, calm façade had an unquestionable solidity.

  The taste of those days returned to his mouth. He could smell the polish on the wooden floors applied by the maid whose name was … Marguérite; the wine Azaire habitually served at dinner, a dry tannic red, not cheap, but thick and dusty; then the sounds of footsteps, their deceptive ring seeming closer or farther than they really were; the smell of pipe tobacco in the sitting room; and the clothes that Isabelle had worn, the hint of rose, their stiff cleanness and the sense she gave of having not merely dressed, but dressed up, as though in a costume that suited not the house but some other world she inhabited in her mind. They came back to him with pressing clarity, as did his own feeling at the time that Isabelle’s withheld, inner life would in some way accord with his own. As he stood in the dark street, looking over at the house, he remembered too the rapturous urgency with which he had found that he was right.

  He crossed the street to look more closely. The gates were locked and there were no lights inside. He walked on a little so that he could see the side of the house. A long sheet of tarpaulin was held in place at the back, and there were signs of repair work, with piles of brick waiting to be cleared. From what Stephen could see, it appeared that a large section of the rear of the house had been destroyed. They would have been using heavy guns in any case, and this must have been a direct hit, or possibly two. Stephen calculated that most of the main sitting room was destroyed, and several lesser rooms downstairs. Above them had been the back bedrooms, including the maids’ quarters and the red room.

  He sat down at the edge of the road, beneath a tree. He was overcome by the power of his memory. It was all clear again in his mind, as though he was reliving it. The fire laid ready to be lit in the red room, the medieval knight, the clematis against the window … He tried to keep back the flood of complete recollection, yet at the same time he felt revived by it.

  He stood up and began to walk away from the house, toward the town and then along the banks of the canal. He briefly wondered if Ellis would be all right on his own. There were plenty of billets in town, and friendly officers to show him where to go. He himself had no desire to sleep. He was close to the river gardens, the fertile enclosures through which he had punted one stifling afternoon with Azaire and his family and Monsieur and Madame Bérard.

  Throughout the night he walked, occasionally stopping to rest on a bench in an attempt to clear his mind. When dawn came he was in the Saint Leu quarter, where he heard the first signs of the day’s activity as bakers lit their ovens and metal milk churns were brought clanking down the street on hand-pulled wagons.

  At seven o’clock he ate fried eggs and bread in a café, with a bowl of coffee. He washed and shaved in a small room at the back indicated by the owner. He was so used to not sleeping that he felt no ill effects from the night. Perhaps he could find a place where they were showing a film; if not, he would buy a book and read it in the gardens by the cathedral.

  He passed the day in fitful expectation. During the afternoon he slept more deeply than he had expected in a room he took in a small hotel. In the evening he changed his clothes and prepared to meet Jeanne. As he walked toward the bar he noticed that his clean shirt, like his old one, had lice in it.

  ———

  Shortly after nine Jeanne came into the bar. Stephen put down his drink and stood up. He pulled out a chair for her. He was barely able to go through the formalities of offering her a drink and asking after her health as his eyes searched her face for some indication of her news.

  “And did you speak to Isabelle?”

  “Yes, I did.” Jeanne, having declined the drink, sat with her hands folded on the table. “She was surprised to hear that you were in Amiens. Then she was even more surprised to hear that you wanted to see her. She wouldn’t answer until this evening. It’s very difficult for her, Monsieur, for a reason you’ll see. Eventually she agreed. I am to take you to the house tonight.”

  Stephen nodded. “All right. There’s no point in delaying.” He felt quite cold, as though this were a routine matter, like a trench inspection.

  “All right,” Jeanne stood up. “It’s not far to walk.”

  They went down the dark streets together in silence. Stephen felt that Jeanne would not welcome questions from him; she seemed dourly set on her mission, about which she clearly had private doubts.

  They came at last to a blue front door with a brass handle. Jeanne looked up at Stephen, her dark eyes glowing in the shade of the scarf wrapped around her head. She said, “You must make of this what you will, Monsieur. Be calm, be strong. Don’t upset Isabelle. Or yourself.”

  Stephen was moved by her gentleness. He nodded his agreement. They went into the house.

  There was a dim light in the modest hallway, which had a table with a bowl of daisies beneath a gilded mirror. Jeanne went upstairs and Stephen followed. They went along a small landing and came to a closed door at the end.

  “Wait here, please,” said Jeanne as she knocked at the door.

  Stephen heard a voice answering from inside. Jeanne went in. He heard the sound of chairs being moved and of low voices. He looked around him, at the pictures on either side of the door, at the pale distemper of the walls.

  Jeanne reappeared. “All right, Monsieur. You can go in.”

  She touched his arm in encouragement as she went past him and vanished down the corridor.

  Stephen found his mouth had gone dry. He could not swallow. He put his hand to the door and pushed it open. The room was very dark. There was only one lamp, on a side table, beneath a heavy shade. On the far side of the room was a small round table, of the sort people might play cards on. On the other side he could see Isabelle.

  He took a few steps into the room. This is fear, he thought; this is what makes men cower in shellholes or shoot themselves.

  “Isabelle.”

  “Stephen. It’s good to see you.” Her low voice was the same he had first heard fill the room under Bérard’s boorish prompting; it slid along each nerve of his body.

  Stephen went closer so that he could see her properly. There was the strawberry-chestnut hair and wide eyes; there was the skin, if it had been bright enough to see it properly, in whose changing patterns and colors he had seen the rhythm of her inner feelings.

  And there was something else. The left side of her face was disfigured by a long indentation that ran from the corner of her ear, along the jaw, whose natural line seemed broken, then down her neck and disappeared beneath the high collar of her dress. He could see that the flesh had been folded outward. It had healed and dried; the ear had been well repaired. The altered line of the jaw, however, gave an impression of the great impact that must have struck her, and although the wound was closed, the sense of this force made it still seem immediate. The left side of her body was awkwardly held against the chair, as though it lacked independent movement.

  Isabelle followed his tracking eyes. “I was injured by a shell. I expect Jeanne told you. First the house in the boulevard was hit, then the place we’d moved to in the rue de Caumartin. It was unlucky.”

  Stephen could not speak. Something had closed his throat. He raised his right hand with the palm toward her. It was supposed to indicate that he was glad she was alive, that he had seen much worse, that he felt sympathetic, and many other things, but it conveyed little.

  Isabelle seemed to have prepared herself much better. She continued calmly, “I’m happy to see you look
ing so well. You’ve gone a little grey, haven’t you?” She was smiling. “But it’s good that you’ve survived this awful war.”

  Stephen was grinding his teeth. He turned away from her, his fists clenched. He shook his head from side to side, but there was no voice. He had not expected this sensation of physical impotence.

  Isabelle went on speaking, though her voice began to falter. “I’m glad you wanted to see me. I feel very pleased that you’ve come. You mustn’t worry about this injury. I know it’s ugly, but it gives me no pain.”

  The words went perilously on, addressing Stephen’s back. Slowly he began to assert himself over the feelings that raged inside him. The sound of her voice helped him. He drew on all the strength of mind he had, and gradually assumed control of himself.

  It was with relief and some pride that he heard a sound at last issue from his throat as he turned to face her. He was saying, like Isabelle, simple, empty things. “I was fortunate to run into your sister. She’s been very kind.”

  He met her eyes and went over to the table, where he sat down opposite her.

  “I was lost for words. I’m sorry. It must have seemed rude.”

  Isabelle stretched out her right hand across the table. Stephen took it between both of his and held it for a moment. He withdrew his grip, not trusting himself to keep it there.

  He said, “Isabelle, would you mind if I had a glass of water?”

  She smiled. “My dear Stephen. There is a jug on the table in the corner. Help yourself. Then you must have some English whisky. Jeanne went out specially for it this afternoon.”

  “Thank you.”

  Stephen crossed to the table. After he had drunk the water he poured some whisky into the glass. His hand barely trembled and he was able to compel a smile as he turned back.

  “You’ve kept safe,” she said.

  “Yes, I have.” He took a cigarette from a metal case in his tunic. “The war will last another year at least, perhaps more. I can hardly remember a life before it. We don’t think about it, those of us who have survived.”

  He told her how he had been wounded twice and how he had recovered on each occasion. Their conversation seemed quite passionless to him, but he was content that it should be.

  Isabelle said, “I hope you’re not shocked by the way I look. Really, I was lucky compared to some others.”

  Stephen said, “I’m not shocked. You should see what I have seen. I won’t describe it to you.”

  He was thinking of a man whose face had been opened up by a bullet, a mere rifle shot. A neat triangle was made, with its apex in the middle of his forehead and the two lower corners on the midpoint of each jawline. Half of one eye remained, but there were no other features left except for some teeth buried at an angle; the rest of the face was flesh turned inside out. The man was conscious and awake; he could hear and follow instructions given to him by the medical officer. Compared to his wound, Isabelle’s was discreet.

  And yet he had lied. He was shocked by it. As he grew used to the light he could see where the skin at her left temple was stretched, so that it pulled the eye slightly out of shape. It was not the severity of it that appalled him, it was the sense of gross intimacy. Through her skin and blood he had found things no exploding metal should have followed.

  Eventually, when some rapport was established, she ventured to tell him what had happened to her. She moved quickly over references to their life together, even to St.-Rémy or other places they had visited.

  “So I returned to Rouen, to the family house. It was like being a child again, but there was no innocence, no sense of many possibilities ahead. In some ways it was kind of them to take me, but I felt imprisoned by my failure. Can you imagine? It was as though I had been sent back to begin again because I’d been no good.

  “My father gently introduced the idea of my returning to Amiens. I didn’t think at first he could be serious. I imagined that Azaire would never want to see me again—to say nothing of the scandal. But my father is a shrewd negotiator. He dealt with it just as he had dealt with the marriage in the first place. He brought Lisette and Grégoire over to see me. I wept with happiness when I saw them again. Lisette had grown up so much, she was a young woman. She didn’t need me to come back, but she was kind when she might easily not have been. And Grégoire pleaded with me. I was overcome by them. I couldn’t believe they were so forgiving after what I’d done to their father. They just said it was forgotten. I think having lost one mother they would do anything not to lose another. And they forgave me. They forgave me because they loved me, just for who I was.

  “Then there was the meeting with Azaire, which I dreaded. The strange thing was that he seemed quite ashamed. Because I’d left him for another man, I think he felt diminished. He was quite meek with me. He even promised to be a better husband. I couldn’t really believe all this was happening. I had no wish to return. What decided me was how unhappy I was at home—something my father cleverly exploited.”

  “You went back?” said Stephen. It did not make sense to him; it was inconceivable, unless there was some part of the story that Isabelle had withheld.

  “Yes, Stephen, I went back, not willingly, but because I had no choice, and it made me very unhappy. I regretted it the moment I stepped inside the house. But this time I knew I could never change my mind. I would have to stay. Within a few months what they call ‘society’ had taken me back. I was asked to dinner by Monsieur and Madame Bérard. It was the old life, though even worse. But I was saved by the war. Perhaps that’s why I’m philosophical about this.” She touched her neck with the fingers of her right hand. Stephen wondered what it felt like.

  “That August, British troops came through the town. I watched them, half-expecting to see you. People sang ‘God Save the King.’ Then things began to look bad. At the end of the month the army decided not to defend the town. They left us to the mercy of the Germans. I wanted to leave but Azaire was a town councillor and he insisted on staying. We waited for two days. It was agonizing. Eventually they arrived—they marched in down the road from Albert, up the rue Saint Leu. For a moment or two there was a festival atmosphere. But then we learned of their demands. The mayor had two days to provide them with an enormous amount of food and horses and equipment. As a guarantee he wanted to be given twelve hostages. Twelve councillors volunteered. My husband was one of them.

  “They’d come to the house on the boulevard du Cange and taken it over to accommodate a dozen German officers. My husband was kept in the council chamber that night. They were very slow producing all the food, and the Germans threatened to kill the twelve men. They trained a huge battery of guns on the town. The next day we heard that the hostages had all been freed, but then it turned out that the mayor had not paid enough money, so four of them, including my husband, were held. After three days of this uncertainty, the Germans agreed that their terms had been met, and all the councillors were free to return. But the city under this occupation was a different place.”

  Isabelle moved quickly over the next part of the story. It did not reflect well on anyone involved.

  All men of service age were required to present themselves for deportation. Many took the chance to leave town, but four thousand willingly gave themselves up. The Germans were embarrassed by their docility. They lacked the capacity to deal with such numbers. They released all but five hundred willing prisoners whom they marched out of town. By the time they reached the suburb of Longueau, the less fearful saw that there were no effective restraints on them and went quietly home. At Péronne those who had not made their own arrangements were put into requisitioned French cars and driven to Germany. Azaire, who saw his duty as a councillor to lie with the men of Amiens, went with them. Although his age made him the object of several informal offers of release, he was steadfast in his determination to be with the wronged people of his town.

  For Isabelle the city under occupation was certainly a different place; though to her in the house on the boulevard du Cang
e the occupation brought freedom.

  The German officers were punctilious and good-humoured. A young Prussian called Max paid special attention to Isabelle’s two-year-old daughter. He took the child into the garden and played with her; he persuaded his fellow-officers that care of the girl should excuse Isabelle from looking after their needs, which could be done adequately by the army servants. Isabelle was allowed, at his insistence, to keep the best room for herself.

  When she recounted the story to Stephen, Isabelle made no mention of the child. It was for the baby’s sake that she had agreed to return first to Rouen and then to Amiens: the child needed a home and family. She could not bring herself to mention the girl to Stephen, even though she was his daughter. She had kept her pregnancy a secret from him and had made Jeanne swear not to tell him. She believed that if he knew about the child it would make matters more painful and complicated between them.

  For the same reason that she withheld the fact of the child’s existence, however, she did tell Stephen about Max. She thought it would make things simpler and more final for Stephen if he knew.

  The occupation lasted only a few days, but in the compressed time of war it was long enough for Isabelle to fall in love with this soldier who played with her infant daughter and made her own comfort his special charge. He was a man not only of great courtesy, but of imagination, stability, and humour. For the first time in her life she felt she had met someone with whom she could be happy under any circumstances, in any country. He was dedicated to her well-being and she knew that if she returned that simple fidelity, no circumstances, no alterations, not even wars, could disrupt their simple, enclosed contentment. Compared to her passion for Stephen it was a muted affair, and yet it was not shallow; it made her profoundly content, and confident that at last she would be able to become the woman that she was meant to be, unhampered by restraint or deceit, and within a life that would be calm and helpful for her child.