Tainted Love (Book 1)

by St. James, Ghiselle

  Switching the song, the smooth tones of Dance for you begins, and before I know it, I’m singing. I am lost in this performance. Not because I love the song – I do – but because I am doing it for Ben.

  In the middle of the song and the rather sensuous and tempting dance, Ben leaps from the chair in frustration and kisses me roughly, taking my breath away.

  “You’re a dream,” he makes out softly, his voice cracking, before throwing me to the bed and taking me ravenously.

  We lay in bed wrapped around each other, clawing our way impossibly closer – lips gliding over faces, shoulders, bodies. We are so spellbound by each other that it’s impossible to come down from our sexual high.

  “Why?” Ben breathes. “Why all of this?”

  “Because you make me want to appreciate you. You make me want to worship you,” I answer, almost to tears. I bite back the sudden urge to tell him that I love him, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip.

  He caresses my cheek and something passes through his eyes. It scares me, it’s so powerful, too powerful for words. People have killed for someone to look at them the way Ben just looked at me. I bite down harder on my bottom lip to stave off the tears and those three words that threaten to surface.

  Ben kisses me reverently and once again we’re lost. He makes sweet, steady love to me and I’m sated.

  We’re sated.

  CHAPTER 22

  I am officially exhausted when Rachel and I sit down to eat dinner at Upper Deck, an intimate restaurant located on the rooftop terrace of an apartment building. Upper Deck boasts a beautiful view of the Philadelphia skyline. Tonight, it has no dash of color indicating sunset; no stars. Just dark clouds, like a storm is brewing. Trouble, my mind conjures. I shake off the thought, choosing to appreciate the towering buildings around me. One can’t help but be awed by them. Such power and prestige outlandishly wrapped up in high-rises. The only place to rival such buildings is New York and, in that case, there is no comparison. God, do I miss it there.

  “What’s going on here?” Rachel asks when I try to cover a yawn, pointing her assessing index finger all over my face.

  I groan then answer, “Ben.”

  She laughs loudly, causing heads to turn. “Sorry,” she apologizes, chastened. “Back to your meals everyone.”

  “Don’t laugh, Rae. He’s got the stamina of a goddamn sixteen year old boy. He’s never tired, always inside me – even when he’s not around me. I swear, he’s going to give me a heart attack…or break my vagina,” I complain jokingly.

  “He’s virile. All men his age are. You should be more worried that he’s not trying to get between your legs, that would mean he’s gay and I have a hard time picturing Ben taking it up the ass,” she says bluntly making me choke on the glass of water I am sipping.

  “No,” I splutter, clearing my throat. “Ben is definitely not gay.”

  We order the roasted pork tenderloin with grilled potatoes and asparagus and a serving of macaroni and cheese. We eat until we were stuffed, chattering away as only best friends do.

  “Damn it,” Rachel swears when she polishes off the last of her wine. “I’m gonna have to call Ryan up later to help me work off all this food.”

  “How is that going? You haven’t kicked him to the curb yet, so that must be something good, right?” I inquire.

  “I’m happy, babe. Haven’t been in a while,” she answers, with a twinkle in her eyes.

  “Are you, really?” I press, holding on to my best friend’s hand. I have to know that if things get even more serious between Ben and I, that I am leaving her in the best hands, despite my suspicions.

  Rachel entwines her fingers with mine and gives them a squeeze. She really does look that and more when she says, wholeheartedly, “I am.”

  I give her a happy smile, chucking my suspicions of Ryan. I look forward to getting to know him.

  “He’s a great guy, Lilah. And he’s good to me.”

  “He’d better be,” I mumble.

  “I know you only want what’s best for me.” Rachel reaches for my hand, squeezing it.

  “I do, Rae. You’ve been the best to me even when I wasn’t the best to myself. You need that too and not just from me,” I voice.

  “And I’m telling you, he’s the best guy for me, unlike your brother.” I cringe at that.

  My brother and Rachel’s on again, off again, why don’t you call me, don’t ever call me again, fuck when they see each other and hate each other when they don’t relationship drives me insane; but I always had hope that they would eventually get back together. Complicated doesn’t even begin to describe the kind of relationship they have. She hasn’t mentioned him in months, the longest she’s ever gone. I guess now I can give up on my best friend ever becoming my sister.

  “Light years away from that prick Joey who cheated on me with that stupid bitch, Cara, in high school,” she continues, obviously still cut up over Joey’s infidelity.

  Glad to be off the subject of my brother, I latch on to Joey the prick. “When are you going to give that up, Rae?” I laugh.

  “When he’s dead!” she expresses irritably. “I gave that asshole my virginity. The least he could’ve done was wait until the blood from my torn hymen dried up before he went and slept with that skank.”

  “True,” I agree. “I hope he dies a painful, horrible death.” I raise my wine glass to her. “Death to assholes.”

  She smiles and raises her glass as well. “Death to the Joey’s of the world.” We clink glasses then drain them.

  “Gonna go to the John,” I tell Rachel, getting up from the table.

  “Crass much” she admonishes.

  “Oh, bite the juiciest part of my ass, Rae,” I say jokingly.

  “Classy,” she deadpans as I walk away.

  Heading off to the ladies’ room, I notice that I’ve got a voicemail and check it. My belly flutters when I hear the deep, soothing voice of Ben on the other end.

  “So…what are you doing? I’m here…missing you, hoping you come home soon. I’m bored. Missing you, hoping you come home soon. Oh, I said that already? Well, uh…so…hope you’re having a nice evening with Rachel. Call me if you need Simon to come pick you up. I miss you.”

  I have to balance on the bathroom walls to keep from falling. My heart is doing somersaults and I can’t get rid of the ridiculous grin that is plastered on my face. I have the sudden urgency to leave so I can get home to my man.

  I race to get back to our seats, but am pinned by a very intimate scene and I want the ground to swallow me up and spit me out in Tahiti. I squeeze my eyes shut because I wish not to see what’s going on in front of my eyes.

  “Lilah, what’s wrong?” Rachel comes running to hold me up, sitting me down.

  “Holy fucking shit,” I swear. “I just saw…Ben’s dad, with another woman,” I tell her.

  “Maybe she’s a client,” Rae says.

  “Well, if he kisses all his clients like that,” I snort.

  “Oh,” Rachel winces when she spies the couple. “You wanna get outta here?”

  “Yes, please.”

  We hurriedly take our things up, and scurry for the door. In our hurry we almost knock a waiter over, thus causing a commotion and disturbing the passionate couple. I try to hide by pulling up the collar of my trench coat, but I am already made.

  “Uh, Sullivan. What are you…what are you doing…here?” Roman asks nervously. “Is Ben with you?” He looks around the restaurant, a flush creeping up from his neck. I can almost hear him wondering if it’s hot in here. Busted.

  “Er, uh, no,” I stammer, not wanting to stay there much longer.

  “Who’s this, sweetheart?” the beautiful platinum blonde asks.

  Does she not know that she’s the other woman? She can’t be asking shit like that when she has no legitimate claim to him. That’s man-stealer 101. I can’t help but give this chick a once-over though. Blonde girl is hot!

  Her eyes are the most beautiful green; lips firm
and pouty. She has on a lot of makeup, but it works for her. She has got legs for days, toned and shaved, disappearing under a red knee-length halter dress, and is wearing the sexiest red heels. She looks like she could be on the cover of a magazine.

  I don’t like her. Not because she’s with Ben’s father, but because she’s the archetype of the blonde bimbo Ben was dancing with at the gala dinner last Sunday. Fuck! Was that less than a week ago? Time seriously flies when you’re young and in love!

  Love? No. Ben doesn’t love me, and I need to remind myself of that.

  Roman excuses himself from his date and tugs me over to the bank of elevators. He looks like he’s seen a ghost. All blood has been drained from his features and his grip on my arm is trembling.

  “What you saw,” he begins, gesturing in the direction of the restaurant.

  “Is none of my business,” I interject.

  “My family knows nothing about this,” he says.

  “And they won’t. At least, not from me,” I promise.

  “I love my wife,” he declares.

  “I’m sure you do, sir, but you need to work your shit out. I don’t want to see Diana get hurt because of this,” I warn.

  Keeping this a secret is going to be hard, but it isn’t my secret to tell. Roman is an asshole for cheating on such a lovely wife. I just hope Ben has none of his tendencies. For his sake, he’d better not.

  Roman gives me a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and lets me board the open elevator, Rachel entering after me.

  “Will we see you next Sunday?” he asks timidly.

  “Yes, sir,” I answer before the doors slide closed

  “Oh, my God! I know that bitch!” Rachel exclaims.

  “Really? How?” I ask, almost hyperventilating. With this many secrets, adding another one should make me lose a damn screw. How am I going to keep up with it all?

  “I saw her two days ago in Ryan’s store and she was buying that same red dress!” Rachel answers. “He called her by her name and they seemed to have history. I asked him about it because they seemed far too chummy for my liking, and he said he knows her from when he was living in San Francisco. Her dad is some kind of big shot lawyer and she’s dating one of his employees.”

  This bitch is a power whore. I know because whores know whores.

  “Shit, how am I going to keep this from Ben?” I worry my bottom lip, trying to figure how this will work out.

  “I don’t know, Lilah. I don’t think you should,” she advises with a worried look.

  “Rae, this is none of my business,” I argue, shooting her a sharp look. “I refuse to get involved.”

  “Honey, you’ve got so many secrets, I don’t want you to be crushed under the weight of them all.” The look Rachel gives me crushes me. She knows what can happen when things get too overwhelming for me. I self-harm in order to cope.

  I’ve only ever tried to commit suicide once and I OD’ed once. She has been scared ever since then that something will push me over the edge and back to old habits, but I refuse to go back there. Those days were the darkest of times for me. Back when Rick had such control over me, I’d chased everyone out of my life. No matter the depths of Hades I went, Rachel was always there for me, even though she was never physically around. I could never go back there, if only to never disappoint, scare or alienate her again. She saved me and I want to remain salvaged.

  “I promise you, babe. Nothing will happen to me. I know what I’m doing,” I reassure her, giving her my brightest, most confident smile.

  Back at Ben’s house, I try not to seem tense, but as he kisses my neck, thoughts of Roman kissing that blonde pop up unbidden. I don’t want to be thinking about his dad while kissing him, but I can’t help it.

  “Okay, what’s wrong?” Ben sighs, pulling away from me.

  “Huh?”

  “You’re all tense and you seem so far away. Is something wrong?” He kneels up in bed, appraising me, revealing his protruding erection. Way to cut a mood, Lilah.

  “I’m just tired is all,” I lie.

  He eyes me suspiciously then says, “Are you sure?” And I wonder if he knows.

  A nervous heat rushes to my cheeks and I start chewing on my bottom lip.

  “Oh no, something’s wrong. Talk to me, Sullivan.” He pulls me closer and I can feel his heart rate spike.

  I go for deceit, not willing to reveal Roman’s secret, though it is at the tip of my tongue to say.

  “You’ve been overworking my poor vagina.” I poke at his chest.

  Ben laughs a deep, rich laughter that makes me tingle all over.

  “I don’t hear it complaining,” he fires at me jokingly.

  “But I am,” I fire back, equally teasing. “You have the libido of an adolescent boy. Got me feeling like gram-ma over here.”

  “I’m sorry, baby.” He kisses the top of my head. “I can’t help it when I’m with you.”

  He lays me down, spooning me. I sigh; thankful I dodged that very big bullet. We lay there for moments, sated by each other’s breathing. We don’t sleep. We just lie there, appreciative of the comfort.

  “I don’t want to use the Fulfillment Room with us anymore,” Ben announces after a while.

  I turn in his arms, gauging his mood, assessing his face. It’s unreadable and I wonder where the thought sprang from.

  “Are you serious? What spurred that thought?” I ask.

  “It’s not needed with us. It never was,” he answers simply. “Last night…the singing. I’ve never had a woman sing for me aside from my mother and you did that for me, and danced. I don’t even need strip clubs now that I have you.”

  I blush and I turn my head down so he can’t see it. I feel like such a schoolgirl, shy and retiring, when I’m with him. Not a sex vixen at all. Ben gives me feelings I’ve never had with another.

  “You look beautiful when you blush,” he says, tipping my chin up. “And you have an amazing voice. You’re like a dream come true for me, Sullivan. Only, I could never have imagined you in my wildest dreams. You were sent for me.”

  Ben blurs in my eyes as my eyes water and I know I’m about to say the words I have been afraid of saying.

  I open my mouth. “I…”

  Ben captures my lips, whisking the words away with a passionate kiss.

  The love we made that night echoed off the walls, and reverberated in our hearts. Ben made me feel cherished, worshipped and cared for more than anyone else ever did. He was sent for me.

  CHAPTER 23

  Ben and I sleep in for most of the day on Saturday. Waking at 11:30, I feel at peace seeing Ben asleep next to me. He is truly a beautiful specimen of a man. Truly an Adonis by name and nature.

  I venture into the kitchen, determined to have breakfast ready for him by the time he’s up. No such luck.

  “I can never sleep if you’re not in bed with me,” Ben says when I eye him.

  “Good morning,” I say, kissing him across the island.

  He is only in pajama bottoms, looking as delectable in the morning as only he can. I can get used to seeing him like this. I can get used to living here…with him…for the rest of our lives. But that can only happen when, and only when, I tell him the truth about me and my past; which is going to be a lot harder, especially now.

  “Good morning, beautiful girl. I feel like having a picnic today,” he says, holding onto my hands, forcing me to lean over the island. He circles me and pins me with his hips and slowly grinds into me.

  I back into him, meeting the rolling of his hips. Slapping my ass, Ben pulls me back onto his hardening erection.

  “I want to have sex with you, everywhere, inside and outside of this house,” Ben tells me, nipping my earlobe.

  “Everywhere?” I pant.

  “Everywhere,” he resounds.

  Ben swats me again and raises me upright. I turn to him and his eyes are dark and wanting.

  “I’m hungry,” he growls and I know he means for sex.

  “Picnic fir
st,” I tell him, pushing feebly away from him. This man can get me in a serious sexual fog sometimes.

  Ben groans and I kiss him, drinking in his sounds. Being so desired by him makes me feel so wanton, so vital to him.

  Cherished.

  We go by the river and have our picnic, spreading out a large quilt on the grass. We laugh and talk about everything and nothing for hours while we eat. It is so comfortable and easy with Ben. I’ve never had it like this, not even with Jared. The comfort came after a few months with him and me, but with Ben, it’s so easy.

  It’s scary.

  We escape to the deck when the rain starts falling, and once again, we find ourselves on the wooden floor, wrapped in each other.

  “What’s your most memorable experience?” I ask Ben as I lie in his lap and he runs his fingers through my hair.

  “Memorable? Two nights ago,” he answers without much thought.

  “I’m sure you’ve had plenty more memorable experiences than that one,” I snort, brushing off his answer, feeling a bit self-conscious. I really need to learn how to take a compliment.

  Ben tilts my chin so I am looking up at him. He looks pissed. “Why do you doubt yourself and your abilities so much?”

  “Because I’m not all that people think I am.” I turn away, toying with the waistband of Ben’s pants.

  “Look at me,” he commands, but I can’t.

  I roll onto my stomach, a tear escaping my filled eyes. I’m not as great as he thinks I am. When I was younger I was only led to believe that I was something important when men would rub their sweaty bodies on mine. My birth mother didn’t love me when she should have and should have protected me from everything she exposed me to. I don’t even know why the Keyes loved me or Rachel for that matter, but I learned to accept their love because it wasn’t romantic. My childhood ruined that for me. Rick ruined that for me.

  But I can’t tell Ben all of that. I’ve got too many secrets. Oh, how I wish I could tell him everything right this very minute. I can’t. I’ll lose him, I know it.