by Brittle, D M
“Hey,” he smiled. “Did the wife kick you out or something? What are you doing here in the middle of the week?”
I sighed and took a seat next to him at the bar. “Scotch please Clay.” I exhaled heavily as I began loosening the tie around my neck, before undoing a couple of buttons desperate to get some air into my lungs.
“It’s okay Clay; it looks like this may need my special whiskey.” Alex patted my back firmly before disappearing briefly and returning with a bottle of scotch and two tumblers in hand; he began frowning at me as he poured the scotch into a glass and placed it on the bar.
“You wanna talk about it dude?”
Without lifting my eyes to Alex, I asked him, “Have you ever feared something so much that you feel physically ill?” Alex didn’t answer, instead he leaned across the bar and placed his chin to his hands and listened. “But you know that you need to pull your shit together because you are the strong one and no matter what, there is no one who can help you or assure you that everything is going to be okay.”
I swirled the whisky around in the glass, suddenly the smell of it made me feel like I was about to throw up.
“Is this about your mom?” I lifted my gaze to Alex to see him watching me carefully.
“It’s about everything Alex; the trial, the pregnancy and yes, my mom. I feel like I am slowly suffocating and there is no light at the end of the tunnel that I am stuck in. I keep having these dreams, no they’re not dreams; they’re nightmares. In the nightmares I lose everything, and I can’t help feeling like those nightmares really are going to come true.”
“They are just your mind playing tricks with you dude, I dreamt last night that I was in an episode of The Walking Dead; me, Rick and Darrell were fighting off zombies in the woods and every God damn time I got hit with a friggin’ crossbow courtesy of Darrell,” he snorted. “But it’s not really gonna happen is it?…. I hope.” He gave me a lopsided smile.
“But this isn’t a TV show Alex, this is real life; my real life. When Jo looks at me and she is happy and smiling, it pains me to smile back at her because regardless of how happy I am in that moment, I know that if I let my guard down and begin to relax with her, I feel like I will lose her. I am going to lose her, I am going to lose my babies and I am going to lose my mom.”
“Wow dude I never realized that you were feeling like this. I mean Jo mentioned something to Casey that you were a bit fragile but…”
“Jo said that?” I asked sadly, Alex nodded.
“She worries about you dude, we all do but everything is gonna be fine, I swear it. Yankee’s tomorrow?” He asked.
“No,” I said standing from my seat suddenly. “Sorry Alex but…. What the hell am I even doing here when I haven’t seen my wife all day? She is telling people that she is worried about me and yet I haven’t even told her where I am right now. I need to make it up to her; I need to spend some time with my wife and try to shake myself out of this…. this ridiculousness. I need to go.” “If you ever need me Blake, and I mean ever; you know where I am right?”
“Thanks Alex.”
I took my phone from my pocket in order to call Jo and tell her that I would be home soon. Noticing that my battery was flat on my cell I rushed out of the club and to the car as quickly as possible, plugging the phone into the charger. I hadn’t even noticed that my damn battery had gone and if Jo had needed me I wouldn’t have been there for her as I promised this morning. Instead, I had spent eight hours at a pointless meeting and then sat trying to drown my sorrows in a bar. I had failed again.
As my phone began to charge, I was notified of multiple missed calls and voicemails, panic immediately set in as I put the car into drive and spun off the car park while fast dialing Jo’s number, she answered after the second ring.
“Hello.” No matter who Jo was speaking to she always sounded the most British when she answered the phone, she sounded okay which relieved me immediately.
“Jo, I am so sorry, my battery died and I didn’t realize until just now, are you okay? I have missed calls from you.” She paused for a brief moment before answering.
“I’m fine.”
“Did you need me? Are the babies okay?”
“As I said, I am fine. Where have you been all day?”
“The meeting dragged on longer than I had hoped, I’m sorry. I’m almost home.”
“Okay, well I have eaten and your dinner is keeping warm in the oven. Hopefully it hasn’t ruined; if it has then you will have to make yourself something else. I am going to have a bath and then go to bed.” something in her tone was off and I didn’t like it, she was quieter than normal and her replies were clipped.
“Okay, and I’m sorry again, I didn’t realize my battery had gone.”
“It’s okay,” she said with a sad tone. “Goodnight Blake.”
Something didn’t sit well with Jo. I know that I had stopped off at Sugar but I had just one drink and I hadn’t even taken a sip from it. My reason for going there wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with my wife, it was because I didn’t want Jo to see me uptight and stressed out yet again because all that did was make her sad too.
I hung up the phone and proceeded to check the voicemail messages that Jo had left.
“Hi, it’s just me……I just wondered how you were getting on, I hope it’s going okay, and erm, I just wanted to see what you fancied for dinner tonight…… let me know, whenever, there’s no rush and everything is fine so don’t panic, I just….. I miss you, love you, bye.”
Jo’s voice sounded timid as it echoed around the car, I felt an instant soothing feeling in the pit of my stomach at how pure and innocent she was. She was the reason that I needed to pull my shit together again, and fast.
Voicemail continued to message two that was also Jo;
“Me again….. Are you still in the meeting? Well yes, you obviously are aren’t you?” She let out a little giggle, “I’m just ringing to let you know that I’m going to spend some time with Casey today, I’m so bored Blake, and if I get anymore bed rest I am going to go crazy. Anyway, I’m fine and I won’t be gone long, I love you, bye.”
There was more of an edge to her voice this time, maybe I was reading more into it but it was as though she was hiding something from me. Had she taken ill and she was trying not to worry me because my phone was off? Or was I just being my new paranoid self that I was turning into? Either way I couldn’t get home quick enough to see her and find out. There was one more voicemail left which began playing before my over active mind had a chance to drive me crazy.
“Hey Blake, Theo calling.” He paused for a short while before continuing, “I’m not even sure that I should be calling you; after all Jo is my client and I would probably get my ass fired if she knew that I was talking to you about this; especially because she specifically requested that I didn’t tell you, but there’s something that I need you to know and because Jo is heavily pregnant and not in the best of health right now then I feel it is my duty to tell you this information.” I adjusted in my seat nervously, willing the lights ahead of me to change so I could get home to my wife as soon as possible. “Jo called me today to ask for my advice on something. Sara has requested that Jo visit her in prison before the sentencing; it is a common situation given that there will be no trial to attend now and most of the time victims do see it as a way of getting closure from their attackers. I did advise Jo strongly against the visit, especially due to the fact that she is so determined to be at the sentencing but I got the feeling that, Jo being Jo, she was going to ignore my advice and go ahead and see her anyway, and I have a feeling that the visit is taking place today. So, just a heads up, and if you can do, then please, don’t allow the visit to happen. I’ll see you next week at the sentencing Blake, bye for now.”
The car was suddenly filled with an eerie silence as the messages stopped and my mind tried desperately to work out why Jo wouldn’t want me to know about the visiting request. We promised each other that anything that happ
ened now that we were back in New York we would deal with together, as a team, yet she had asked Theo not to tell me about it. The last thing that I ever wanted was for Jo to think for any reason that she couldn’t tell me about things, I know that I had told her over and over that I didn’t want her attending the sentencing because of her health and the same would go with her visiting Sara beforehand, but that was because of how much I loved and worried about her; we had promised each other that we were in this together so she should have trusted to tell me and not shut me out.
I felt hypocritical however, as I was purposely shutting Jo away from my feelings too, but again, that was because I wanted to protect her, even if it did mean that I wasn’t only protecting her from Sara but I was also protecting her from myself.
The smell of dinner filled the apartment as I entered. I was starving and whatever Jo had cooked smelt delicious. I took my dinner from the oven, grabbed a bottle of beer from the refrigerator, and headed through to the living room where I switched on the TV and tried to relax my mind.
Jo appeared shortly after I finished eating. She was dressed ready for bed and her hair was still wet from the bath she had just taken, she walked towards me and gave me a small nervous smile.
“The curry was lovely thank you.” Jo picked up my plate from the coffee table and walked towards the kitchen.
“It was probably dry; it has been in the oven for ages,” she muttered.
“It was perfect,” I replied as I stood and followed her.
“How did the meeting go?” she asked without turning to face me as she washed the plate before placing it into the dishwasher.
I walked over and wrapped my arms around her waist; she froze for a moment before finally turning to face me.
“It didn’t go as planned,” I replied honestly before placing my lips to Jo’s neck and kissing her gently. “We will talk about it later.”
“Will we?” Jo asked as she lifted her head, watching me carefully. “I don’t feel like we talk properly anymore.” My chest hurt at hearing her say those words, she had noticed the distance that was forming between us because of my stupid fear and us because of me.
“I’m too tired to rehash it all right now that’s all, I wanted to be home with you the whole time I was in that meeting and now I’m here, I’d rather spend some time with you and forget about it for now, is that okay?” I asked carefully.
Jo nodded slowly and she turned back to the dishwasher and continued to load it.
“So, tell me about your day,” I said trying to sound casual as I could feel the tension beginning to rise.
“It was okay,” Jo shrugged as she kept her eyes on the job in hand. Immediately I sensed there was something that she was keeping from me. “Casey and I just went out for a little while; I am becoming beyond fed up of re-living Groundhog Day all day every day stuck in this apartment alone.”
“Where did you go?” I asked casually.
Again, Jo gave me a little shrug. “Just a couple of shops, nowhere important.”
“You didn’t get harassed by anyone did you?”
“No,” she sighed as she slowly turned back to face me. It was then that I saw it in her eyes; she hadn’t been shopping today, she had been to see Sara, she had been to see her without me and more upsetting than that; she went without even telling me.
She held my gaze for a few moments as she watched me, it was as if she was reading my mind, trying to figure out if she should tell me or not depending on what reaction she would get. “I didn’t get anything good from today,” she said with a hint of sadness.
From that short sentence I knew that she had definitely been to see Sara, not only that but I could sense that it hadn’t gone as she had hoped.
“I’m sorry that it didn’t work out for you,” I said honestly. Jo shrugged slightly and began picking at the label on the back of my tie.
“It’s okay,” she answered quietly.
I needed to make her smile again; I needed to make her happy, I hated seeing her like this and knowing that instead of making it better I was only ever making her sadder which made me feel like the lousiest husband on the planet. “How about tomorrow we go back to the baby boutique and get whatever we need? I mean not the same place that had the media all over us, another one, one more secluded maybe?”
“I would like that,” she replied. “Can we spend the whole day together? Just the two of us?”
“Sure,” I promised as I placed my arms around her once more and pulled her to me. She rested her head on my chest. “I’m sorry I was gone for so long today, tomorrow you have my full attention, I promise. I feel like I have abandoned you recently, I just have a lot……”
“I know Blake; you don’t need to say anything. I know, but it would be nice to spend some quality time together, we don’t seem to do that anymore.” I was suddenly overcome with a huge amount of guilt, which I hated.
A silent understanding seemed to pass between us as we held each other; no words were needed for us to show each other how we were both feeling, Jo could see my fears and I could feel her fear for me but neither of us wanted to say it out loud for fear that actually saying it would make it true.
“I can’t wait to see those cribs set up in the nursery; it is all going to make it feel so real.” I tried to push my fears aside as I tried desperately to paint a happy picture in Jo’s mind.
“Anything that you want for the babies tomorrow, we get okay?”
“Okay,” Jo replied quietly. “Thank you.”
Jo wasn’t going to tell me about her visit to Sara and I didn’t like the fact that she thought she needed to keep it from me, but I now knew why she was doing it; she knew that I was feeling insecure and didn’t want to add to it, I knew Jo well and when the time was right she would tell me.
I hated that my recent behavior had done this to her, but what I hated more than anything was the barrier that I had been holding in place since last week; it was because of that barrier that Jo felt she needed to protect me from the truth. She was keeping her visit to Sara away from me and it was entirely my fault.
Mom had called again just before bed; I had kept myself busy in the kitchen while Jo had chatted to her. I heard from the conversation that my mom was seeing the doctor again tomorrow, I didn’t know what my mother had said to Jo but I hoped that Jo would relay the information back to me when she came off the phone. I was desperate to speak to my mom but I couldn’t bring myself to hear her voice. Listening to her telling me that she was okay and not to worry about her when she was the one suffering was enough to kill a man, and I was too cowardly to put my feelings aside so I could be brave for her. I finished off in the kitchen and jumped straight into the shower before Jo had the chance to hand me the phone. I heard Jo make yet another excuse to my mom before she hung up the phone and stood in the doorway to the bathroom looking angry.
“You didn’t speak to your mum again Blake,” she said in a tone that I was unfamiliar with where Jo was concerned.
“I’ll call her later,” I replied.
“You said that last night, and the night before that, in fact, you have said it every single night since we got back from staying with them. You haven’t spoken to your mum Blake since the day she told us about the cancer.” Hearing Jo say that word made my body shudder but I couldn’t allow to Jo see that weakness, I turned and faced as the water continued to lash down on my body.
“I’ve been busy Jo; you know that, I will call her back I promise.”
“Are you too busy to spare just two minutes to speak with your sick mum? Do you have any idea what I would give now to have just two minutes to speak to my dad Blake? Do you?” I stopped the water and turned to face Jo. She was holding onto her emotion but her body was visibly displaying her hurt.
“Jo…..” I said sadly.
“Don’t,” She snapped back. “Just don’t even try to make an excuse Blake, I don’t know what has happened to you this past week but it is no excuse to shut anyone out, particularly
your mum who needs you now more than ever. Just make the damn call Blake.” Jo threw the phone onto the hamper before turning to leave the room quickly, leaving me standing alone realizing what kind of a person I was becoming. I was refusing to lean on anyone and I was desperate to hide my fears too but by doing so I was pushing everyone away, and those that I was pushing away were the people that needed me the most.
I climbed into bed praying for a better night’s sleep. My mind was in complete overdrive once more with dreaded thoughts of the nightmares that I had been experiencing reoccurring yet again. I was completely shattered, my body was running on empty and I just wanted to work out a way of making everything better, but for once in my life there was no answer, there was no instant cure. I looked over to Jo who was sleeping soundly next to me with a small frown on her face instead of the smile that she was usually wearing; I leaned towards her and placed my lips to the frown hoping to smooth it away.
The next few days were going to be manic; tomorrow I was going to make sure that Jo got everything that she and the babies needed from the boutique, I then had the next meeting with my producers and writers a couple of days later along with our weekly visit to the doctor’s office.
The two days that were to follow on would be the hardest; even though we hadn’t mentioned it for a while I knew that Thursday was Sara’s sentencing and no matter what my feelings towards Jo being there were, I knew that whether I was with her or not, she was determined to be there to see Sara go down.
I needed to be there to support Jo no matter what but the following day was going to be the worst; mom’s surgery was this Friday.
If I could get into a time machine right now and go somewhere into the future, I would go straight to the summer where mom was well and cancer free and our babies were here safe and well; I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be prepared enough for the bad days that were ahead of us, but I damn well needed to try.
