by Brittle, D M
*~*~*
Sleep had betrayed me again as I lay awake following yet another bad dream. I hadn’t woke in a panic this time, instead I had been woken by Jo who was gently stroking my face and whispering to me that everything was going to be okay. When I opened my eyes to see her looking down at me with a sad expression on her face, I realized that I had been crying. My face was soaked from the tears that I had cried during the dream in which Sara had come and taken our babies away from us. I had stood by and watched her, shouting to her to stop and to come back but I couldn’t move, my arms and legs had been bound and there was no way of me getting to the babies or to Sara. As she had walked away with them in her arms I had looked down to find Jo lying at my feet covered in blood, opening my eyes and seeing Jo’s face so close to mine had felt like a huge relief but seeing that she was upset had been like a punch to the stomach.
I remembered what Alex had told me at the bar and reassured Jo that it was just a dream and it didn’t mean anything; I wasn’t sure however whether it was Jo I was trying to convince or myself. I had taken myself to the bathroom where I made myself calm down before returning to the bedroom to find that Jo had fallen back to sleep.
I had then left Jo sleeping and took myself to the couch where I switched on the TV and watched trashy shows until my eyes hurt so much that I too had nodded off to sleep, I managed a couple of hours of dreamless sleep which I felt eternally grateful for.
“Do you want to talk about last night?” Jo’s voice was timid and careful as we spoke for the first time this morning whilst getting into the car.
“It was just a dream that’s all.” I forced a smile as I looked quickly to Jo before putting the car into drive and heading for the exit of the underground car park. “I’m sorry that you had to witness it.”
“Is that why you took yourself into the lounge and spent the rest of the night there? Or is it something that I have done?” Jo asked carefully. My eyes immediately shot to Jo who was watching me expectantly, waiting for an answer. I pulled the car quickly over and turned to face her.
“I took myself to the lounge because I couldn’t sleep that was all, you need your rest Jo and me tossing and turning all night isn’t going to help you to rest. I watched a bit of TV and was going to come back to bed but I must have fallen asleep, I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay,” Jo said quietly. “I have just noticed that you haven’t slept properly now since we were at your parents’ house. I’m worried about you, I wish you would open up sometimes, tell me what’s on your mind.” Jo’s hand reached over and covered mine reassuringly.
“I don’t want you to be worrying about me Jo, I just had a bad dream last night that was all, it was just a bad dream; we all have them from time to time. We have a lot going on right now and I suppose it all just came together in one go,” I said trying to comfort her as well as trying to convince myself too.
“Now smile, please. I don’t want to see you start the day unhappy when we are going somewhere for the babies.” Jo gave me a small smile and turned her attention back to the road as I restarted the car. She began chewing her lip, which she always did during times of worry.
“On the way home I want to take a detour to the Yankees, Alex told me he saw the cutest romper suits and I think that it’s only right that they start off life knowing which team they are on.” Jo’s face softened and a smile spread across her face.
“Dad would have argued that their team is based in London and wear blue and white.”
“Well as we are in New York at the moment, I win.” I turned briefly and winked playfully at Jo who began to relax, I needed her happy and I needed to do whatever was needed to keep her that way, even if it made the fear and pain inside of me continue to build.
Watching Jo as she strolled happily around the boutique examining every single item that she picked up made my heart swell with such love for her. After everything that she had been through, Jo had become the strongest woman that I knew and, even though she would deny that, I had witnessed her transformation first hand.
We had called forward to the boutique and they had kindly offered to close the shop to the public giving us freedom to shop at our leisure with no added pressure, Jo had initially felt uncomfortable at the thought of other couples not being allowed to shop for that short time but once she had stepped inside the shop, her guilt had dispersed as she walked around like Alice when she entered wonderland.
Jo had picked out a few items of clothing for the babies and each time she took one from the rack, it wouldn’t be me that she would ask for an opinion, she would instead rest the clothing over her bump and ask the babies if they liked them, she would then wait a couple of seconds for a reply which would be a kick or two, she would then laugh and place the item on the counter to be purchased.
We left the boutique loaded with everything plus more of what we had intended to get before stopping off at the Yankees Stadium for the romper suits before then heading home happy; all thoughts of nightmares and bad scenarios were temporarily forgotten.
I had kept my mind busy over the last few days while assembling the babies’ furniture. Jo had been quiet and spent a lot of the time sleeping. It had been late each night when I had finally climbed into bed. Jo would already be fast asleep and I would lie there for pretty much all of the night awake with my mind ticking over. I was exhausted but keeping my mind busy was helping me to deal with my fears, it was also helping me to keep them from Jo’s worrisome mind.
Last night I had stayed up even later than usual in order to get the babies’ cribs put together, I then placed them where Jo wanted them to be placed, which was in our bedroom ready for when the twins came home. The day our twins arrived home safely with Jo would be the day I would hopefully feel the noose around my neck loosen. As I brushed my fingers over the wooden frames I tried hard not to think about the bad thoughts and dreams that I had been having about our babies; instead, I tried desperately to imagine them lying here, smiling up at me as I chatted happily to them.
Jo had taken herself off to bed early after soaking in the bath and putting away all of the clothes and teddy bears that we had purchased at the boutique. She had placed both the babies’ Yankee romper suits in her hospital bag and insisted that as they would be starting life out as New Yorkers, they should arrive home in style. I had continued to keep myself busy in an attempt to keep my mind as occupied from bad thoughts as possible.
I woke the following morning cold and alone and on the sofa, I had fallen asleep watching more trashy TV that really wasn’t interesting but it had helped me sleep, dream free.
My mind immediately went to thoughts of Jo sleeping alone in our bed without me as I looked at my watch and realized that I only had an hour until I was due to meet again with my producers.
I stepped through the apartment quietly, checking on Jo who was still fast asleep in bed before I showered, changed and headed to the meeting which I was determined to get over and done with quickly so as I could come home and spend some quality time with my wife after abandoning her last night to sleep on the sofa.
Even though it was the first morning since being in the Hamptons that I had woken from a solid nights’ sleep, nightmare free, the guilt I felt from doing so without Jo by my side made me feel like I had somehow cheated on her.
The meeting went on for longer than I had anticipated yet again but we had figured out a solution.
I would be filming two episodes early in the summer over in London; those episodes would then be used to write my character out of the show. It wasn’t ideal and it wasn’t the solution that I had wanted but I knew that Jo would be happier with the outcome and so would the fans of the show that had supported me from day one.
As I stepped out of the building I breathed a sigh of relief and headed to the car. Just as I started the engine my cell phone buzzed a couple of times informing me of numerous incoming text messages that must have become delayed while I was at the meeting; they were all from Jo.
‘Blake, where
are you? We are going to be late.’
‘Blake I need to leave now to get there in time, I will carry on ahead, please meet me there ASAP.’
‘I am here but you are not, where did you get to??? Please Blake, at least let me know that you are okay.’
“Shit!” I slammed my fist into the steering wheel as I raced off the car park as quickly as possible, I had forgotten all about the appointment that we had today with Sam. The doctor’s office was at least a thirty minute drive away and I recalled our appointment being at noon, I was sure that I could make it if traffic was kind to me for just one day; I had fifteen minutes until the appointment.
At noon I was still sat in heavy traffic a couple of blocks from Sam’s office, I had tried calling Jo numerous times only to find her answerphone cutting in at the end of every call. I felt guilt like I had never felt guilty before.
My stomach was knotted from the thought of Jo sat there not only alone but being told that either her blood pressure was high or that there was a problem with the babies, I had every single scenario going through my mind and not one of them made for a happy ending. Shouting at fellow drivers did nothing to ease the slow flow of traffic that seemed to be appearing from every angle in an attempt to stop me from getting to Jo sooner.
I finally pulled up at the office at half past noon, I ran into the building and straight up to Sam’s office opening the door as I got there and entering without even giving a thought to what could have been going on in there.
“Well it’s a good job that I am not in here with a patient right now Blake.” Sam sat at her desk typing something up on her computer as I walked past her and began looking for Jo.
“Is she here?” I panted. “I can’t believe I’m late, please tell me she is still here waiting for me.”
“There are reasons that we have appointments Blake, Jo couldn’t have waited any longer for you than she already did.”
“Shit!” I cursed as I gripped my hair tight between my fingers and began pacing the room. “Is she okay? Are the babies okay? How about her blood pressure?” I stopped pacing and turned to see Sam watching me carefully.
“Why don’t you stop running around like a headless chicken and take a seat.” I felt the fear bubble to the surface as I rushed to the desk and took the seat opposite Sam nervously. “I spoke to your mom last night Blake; she said that she hasn’t heard from you since you left to come home last week.”
“Please Sam; tell me about the appointment, I need to know that Jo and the babies are okay.” I pleaded.
“Jo expressed her concerns to me also; she said that you have been experiencing nightmares so haven’t been sleeping well, she also said that you seem distant towards her and to your mother too and that you barely seem to speak now unless Jo instigates the conversation.” I opened my mouth to speak but Sam hadn’t finished as she spoke up again, “this should be the happiest time of your life right now Blake, you just got married, you have two babies on the way; you should be elated. I know that the news of your mother having cancer has come as a huge shock, I understand that but both your mother and Jo need you right now Blake, you are in no position to shut either of them out because you are scared or frightened of something happening to either one of them. I saw it in your face when Jo needed her bloods checking, you began to freak out but luckily everything was okay and you calmed back down. Then I saw it again last week when you told me about Julia having cancer. Blake, it’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to feel the fear that you are feeling right now but what isn’t okay is shutting out the two people who need you, the two people who I know that you love more than anything in the world. I have known you long enough now to see that you are petrified, anyone in your position would be, but I can also see that you are hiding those feelings, and by keeping them hidden, you are just going to keep building and building until one day you will break. You will break beyond repair Blake and you will leave those who love you with no way of helping you.”
I took a deep breath in as I absorbed Sam’s words. “Since mom told me about the cancer, I have tried; I have tried so hard to convince myself that she is going to be okay, that she is going to come through this unscathed. By telling everyone that she is going to be fine, I am trying to convince myself more than I am trying to convince everyone else. If I let myself think about it for too long then I begin to ask myself, what if she doesn’t get through this. What if the surgery goes wrong and she doesn’t even get through the operation? What if she gets through the op but they miss some of the cancer and it keeps growing and no one knows about it? My head is full of the ‘what if’s’ and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake them off.”
Sam nodded sympathetically as I finished, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders by letting out the truth.
“Everything that you have just said to me Blake, you need to say to Jo. She thinks that she is going to lose you; she is petrified because she has never seen you like this before, she told me about how closed off she was when you met her, she told me how much she feared being happy because it always coincided with pain. She sat here today Blake when we should have been discussing the pregnancy and your babies and she poured her heart out to me because she is so scared of the fact that this time around, it is you that is breaking into a million pieces and she doesn’t know what she is supposed to do to help you because you just won’t let her in. I understand that everything has been building over a course of time, you and Jo have had a lot of pressure placed upon you recently, but you need to share your feelings Blake, because if you don’t, then no one can help you and that is what you need, you need Jo to help you through this.” I nodded knowing that she was right.
“I feel like I have failed her. I have always been the one that Jo has relied on; I made her a promise that I would always fix her because I truly believed that I could fix anything that was broken but now? Now I don’t even know how to fix myself.”
“Go home, go back to your wife and tell her how you are feeling, you need each other Blake, don’t go through this by yourself, you don’t need to do any of this by yourself. You haven’t failed anyone, but by keeping this inside of you? You are going to fail yourself.”
I exhaled a deep breath. “Wow, I can’t believe I just told you all of that.”
“Do you feel better for it?”
“A little, yes.” I admitted.
Sam smiled and stood from her chair. “You will feel even more relieved when you speak to Jo,” She smiled.
“Was her appointment okay?”
“I am sure that Jo will want to share the good news with you about the appointment herself.”
“Good news? That’s something I haven’t been familiar with for a while.” I stood from my seat and headed for the door. “I’m sorry again that I just barged into your office, thank you for listening to me.”
Sam nodded as she smiled, “no problem at all, and Blake? Be strong for your mother on Friday won’t you?”
“I will,” I agreed as I stepped out of the office and headed back to the car, I needed to get home and speak to Jo and hope that she would forgive me for missing the appointment as well as shutting her out.
I could hear Jo’s soft voice filtering through the apartment when I entered. She was alone and from what I could hear she was talking to the babies which she did a lot lately. I followed her voice which led me into our bedroom where she was busying herself by placing the babies’ bedding into each crib with care.
“Hi,” I said as I stood in the doorway. Jo’s body visibly tensed as she stopped what she was doing but didn’t turn to face me.
“Can we talk?”
“I’m doing something.” She replied quietly as she began fiddling once again with a blanket, her body stiffened further.
“Jo, please turn around and look at me.” Jo continued to make the cribs up and remained silent until she had placed all of the bedding neatly into the cribs.
“What do you want to talk about Blake? The
fact that you missed our appointment? Or the fact that I don’t even know who you are anymore?”
“Both,” I replied honestly.
Jo turned slowly to face me, I could see that she had been crying at some point, her eyes were now dry but the signs were visible. I took a few steps towards her, she had needed me and I hadn’t been here for her.
“Don’t,” she said firmly. “I don’t even know who you are any more Blake so I don’t want you coming over here and holding me like you care when you clearly don’t,” she snapped.
“Jo it isn’t like that,” I said gently.
“What has happened to us Blake? How did we end up like this when only a couple of weeks ago we were so happy and so close? I can’t stand the fact that we have become so distant at a time that we should be so close to each other, you have shut me out of your life Blake, we can’t continue this way; I can’t continue this way, and as much as I love you Blake, I can’t help think that we would be better off spending some time apart.” Jo’s voice hitched as she finished her sentence.
“You agreed that we would always deal with things together, you told me to always let out my feelings but you Blake, you are just keeping your feelings away from me which in turn is pushing me further and further away from you.”
“Jo, I am so sorry; for everything. I am sorry that I have shut you out, I am sorry that I don’t talk to you as much as I should anymore, I am so, so sorry that I missed our appointment. I am sorry for everything, please Jo, let me talk to you.”
“Do you know what Blake? I don’t want to hear it anymore,” she sighed. “I get it okay? Your mum has cancer and you are scared that she is going to die but guess what Blake? She needs you, she needs you now more than ever but instead of being there for her like you should have been you have closed yourself off, you have shut us out, every single one of us but most of all you have shut out your poor mum, she is the one suffering here Blake, not you. The only person that you care about right now Blake is yourself.”
