Beautiful Perfection (Beautifully Unbroken Book 2)

by Brittle, D M

  “That’s not true,” I replied sadly. “God Jo that is so far from the truth that you don’t even understand.” My voice became shaky as the emotion that I had been holding onto for the past couple of weeks was slowly pushing its way to the surface.

  “Then tell me then!” Jo yelled loudly before turning briefly to the cribs as though the babies were in there. “For Christ’s sake Blake please just tell me, I am your wife. We made a promise to each other on our wedding day to love each other always; for better for worse, richer or poorer.” She looked up at me once more, “in sickness and in health. So please Blake, let me in, because I am about this close to packing my bags and leaving you. We didn’t even sleep in the same bed as each other last night! How the hell do you think that makes me feel when you didn’t even come to bed with me!” She inhaled a shaky breath before calming her voice once more. “You are not the Blake that I married, you are not the Blake that I fell in love with, I don’t even recognize you anymore, I want my Blake back, I need you back Blake, please.”

  “I am trying to protect you Jo,” I said trying to remain calm.

  “Protect me from what Blake? Please tell me because I have absolutely no idea what or who it is that I need protecting from!”

  “Me!” I yelled; finally ready to let my emotions take over. “That is what I am trying to protect you from Jo; I am trying to protect you from me because I am losing control! Damn it Jo, I have already lost control! The two people who I love more than anything are both suffering and it is out of my control, it is out of my control and it is killing me that I have no way of controlling the outcome. I am the fixer Jo; I am the person who always knows what to do to make things better, but now? Now I don’t have a clue what I am going to do to help anyone, I want to help both of you, I want to take away any problems, any risks and any danger that both you and my mother face but the fact that I can’t? I hate myself so much because I have let you both down! The whole thing has been building over time and I now realize that everything bad that has happened has all been my fault and the way that I am going to be punished is by having you and my mother taken away from me, don’t you see that?”

  “Blake,” Jo said as her tears began to fall faster and harder.

  “If I had stayed away from Sara that night when I ended up sleeping with her, then you would never have suffered at the hands of her, you wouldn’t have been hurt or almost killed because of her. Everything that Sara did to you? That was all entirely my fault.”

  “No,” Jo said sadly, shaking her head.

  “Then there was Cooper, I wasn’t even man enough to kill him when he almost raped you, I should have killed him, any other man would have killed him for what he did!”

  “He ran Blake! He ran and you did what you had to do, you saved my life while he ran, you helped me and if you had killed him you would have been in prison now, do you think that would have made me happy? Having the man that I love in prison? No, it wouldn’t have made me happy and it wouldn’t have made anyone’s life any better, you are not to blame for any of this!”

  “I never told you that Theo called you when we were in London, he called you to tell you everything that he told us the night that we came back to New York. I didn’t know at the time that that was the reason for the calls but because I had given them specific instructions not to call you I blocked the number and didn’t tell you. He was calling to tell you about the new evidence and Sara changing her plea and I kept it from you, because at the time I didn’t want anything or anyone upsetting you when you were so happy.

  I should have at least spoken to him, but I didn’t, if I had spoken to him then we could have stayed where we were, we could have stayed in London, you wouldn’t have suffered high blood pressure and our lives could have continued to be happy. My God I finally thought that we had made it, I finally thought that we were through all of the shit that we were going to be facing, but as usual I fucked it all up, I fucked up the happiness that we had worked so God damned hard to build. I ruined all of that Jo, me! I should have told you that Theo called but I made the decision not to and it was the wrong decision! Look at me, I am not the man that you think I am, I am a coward and I am a failure and I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve anything! I am a coward Jo because I am too damn scared to speak to my mom in case I break.” Finally I had let go of everything that had been building inside of me over time, my body shook with sadness that I had just stood in front of my wife and told her what she needed to know, I had failed her, I was failing my mother and I had failed myself. As the tears began to fall angrily my knees weakened and my body fell to the floor as I cried like I had never cried before. Jo’s arms were around me instantly as she cried with me. She cradled me in her arms gently rocking forward and back promising me over and over again that everything was going to be okay, that she loved me and was going to help me. The once broken woman who I had fixed was now going to fix me. I held onto her tight, she was my lifeline, the one who would now help me, and as much I hated needing to rely on anyone, I needed everything that Jo was now offering to give to me.

  Jo

  Blake had clung to me as though his life had depended on it. Finally he had released the emotion that had built inside of him since finding out about Julia’s cancer, but it had run deeper than that; Blake had blamed himself for virtually everything that had gone wrong in our relationship, even going as far back to the night that he had slept with Sara while I was flying back to London to be with my parents, he had convinced himself that if he had never ended up in bed with her, then the events that had followed would never have occurred. He had felt like a delicate piece of glass that was about to shatter at any moment as he shook in my arms, the tears had continued to fall deep into the night and I had felt helpless but knowing that just being there and holding him was helping him to overcome his emotions, I knew that I didn’t need words or actions to get him through this.

  He had finally fallen asleep a couple of hours after we had climbed into bed where we continued to hold each other tight. I had never seen or even imagined Blake to crumble like he had; I had known that he was hiding his feelings but I never realized just how deep those emotions were running until I had pushed at him enough that he had broken down in front of me.

  I had eventually climbed out of bed once I knew that Blake was settled and called the one person other than Blake who I needed right now, my mum.

  “Jo? What is it? Is it the babies? It’s the middle of the night in New York are you okay?”

  “Hi Mum, everything’s fine I just needed to hear your voice.” I felt my voice begin to crack, as mum’s voice felt so comforting; I would give anything to have her here with me now.

  “Did Blake finally let it all out?” mum asked with concern. I had confided in mum every time we had talked since Julia’s diagnosis, she knew that Blake would crack eventually and had told me just to make sure that I was there for him to let it all out to when he was ready.

  I nodded even though I knew that mum couldn’t see me. “Yes Mum, it was awful, I didn’t know what to do.”

  “Did you hold him? Did you comfort him like I told you to?” I nodded again.

  “He blames himself entirely for everything Mum, everything that has happened he thinks it is solely his fault, he can’t see any of the good that he does, and he only sees the bad. I shouted at him Mum, I told him that I was going to leave because I couldn’t take it any longer; I couldn’t stand being shut out for one minute more so I yelled so hard at him and he just cracked.” I struggled to hold my emotion in any longer as the tears began to fall faster. “He is petrified that he is going to lose his mum, he hates that he doesn’t know how to help her and me too, tell me what to do Mum, I need to help him I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Oh darling, don’t cry, please don’t cry when I am not there to hold you.”

  “I miss you so much Mum, I wish you were here.”

  “Me too darling but you will get through this,
you both will, the worst part is over now, Blake has opened up, he has let you in so now you just have to look after each other, love each other as much as you can and I promise you that everything will be okay.”

  “What if I lose him Mum? I said some really horrible things to him and I didn’t mean any of it, I love him so much and I was so horrible to him, what if he leaves me?”

  I heard mum laugh softly into the phone. “That is never going to happen darling, you know how much he loves you, he was just trying to protect you from seeing him like that.”

  “That’s what he said too.”

  “Where is he now?”

  “He’s asleep.” I wiped my eyes and sucked in a deep breath.

  “Then you go and get into that bed next to him and you hold onto him tight. I can’t promise you that everything will be better by the morning darling, but things will get better, very soon, you will see, once Julia has her operation he is going to feel so relieved.”

  “I love him so much Mum, seeing him like this it’s, it’s just so unfair. He doesn’t deserve to feel like this, he has spent his life looking after others and now I’m scared that I’m not enough to look after him.”

  “Don’t you doubt yourself Josephine; you are a strong, loving beautiful woman. Blake is lucky to have you as you are to have him too. Is it Sara’s sentencing tomorrow?”

  “Yes,” I took a deep breath in. “I have decided that under the circumstances, I don’t need to be there, Theo will call and tell me what happened, I need to be here with Blake.”

  “Good girl, remember that you are delicate too at the moment, it’s important that you don’t do anything stressful.” We both laughed knowing that a stress free life didn’t exist at the moment before mum continued to talk. “Well, what I should have said was that you need to keep your stress to a minimum.”

  “How’s Jasper doing? Is he running you ragged?” I said trying to lighten the tone.

  “He is doing just fine the little rascal, keeps me on my toes anyway and he’s good company too.”

  “That’s good,” I smiled.

  “Uncle Anthony and Aunty Elizabeth are going to look after him for us when I come over to visit.”

  “You’re coming over here?” I asked in surprise.

  “Do you think that I am not going to be there with you all when my grandchildren are born dear?” I could sense the smile in mum’s voice and I was overwhelmed that she was going to be here too.

  “I don’t know what to say, I can’t wait to see you Mum.”

  “I can’t wait either Josephine, I miss having you around.”

  “And I miss being with you too, thank you for listening to me Mum, I love you.”

  “Will you call me tomorrow? Let me know what happens to Sara?”

  “Of course.”

  “And give Blake a hug from me, I’ll be over there with you as soon as I can okay?”

  “Okay Mum, I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”

  “I love you Josephine, and I am so proud of you. Goodnight darling.”

  “Goodnight Mum.”

  I hung up the phone and turned to see Blake stood in the doorway watching me carefully.

  “Hi,” he said quietly.

  “Hi,” I replied as I walked over to him, stopping just a few feet away from where he stood. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like a fool.” Blake smiled briefly before shaking his head, “I’m so sorry that I did that.”

  I closed the gap between us and placed my hands to Blake’s face. “Don’t you ever apologize to me for what happened earlier, I had no idea just how badly you were feeling, I am so sorry that I threatened to leave, you know that I would never leave you don’t you? I was just so worried about us, I thought I was going to lose you but Blake I swear to you, I love you so much and I never ever want us to drift apart again.”

  Blake’s hands reached up and cupped my face gently. “I suppose that I always thought that if I ignored it, if I shut out how I was really feeling then it would just go away. How wrong was I?” he smiled sadly.

  “I love you so much Blake.”

  “I love you too Jo, more than anything.” He leaned towards me and kissed me gently, but before we got too lost in the kiss, I pulled away just far enough for our eyes to make contact.

  “Are you ready to open up to me now?”

  “Didn’t I do that enough when I fell to the floor like a baby a few hours ago?” Blake said shyly.

  “I mean talk about everything, the both of us. Do you want to?” I took a deep breath in and released Blake’s face before taking his hand in mine.

  “I do, yes,” he said quietly.

  “Okay, let’s talk. I want you to tell me everything okay? If we’re going to get through this together we have to talk about everything that you are concerned about.” I paused shortly before continuing, “And that includes the things that I have to tell you about too.”

  “You mean your trip to the prison to see Sara.” Blake stated.

  “Oh,” I said as my gaze dropped to the floor.

  “I should have been there with you, I hate that I was so wrapped up in myself that I wasn’t even there for you when you needed me.”

  “I didn’t want to bother you when I knew that you were struggling.” Blake’s fingers gently lifted my gaze back to him.

  “That right there is one thing that concerns me, you dealing with anything alone; it breaks my heart Jo you couldn’t come to me and tell me that you wanted to go there when you should have been able to just say it to me.”

  “That is exactly how I have felt with you too Blake.”

  “Come on, let’s talk, I miss talking to you.”

  We walked in silence through to the lounge where we sat together on the sofa; Blake wrapped his arms around me as I lay with my head on his chest. This was going to be a long night, but it was what we both needed to do to get our marriage back to what it was the day that we left London to come back to New York.

  “From the moment that Sam told me that I could lose you or the babies because of some pregnancy condition that I never even knew existed; that was just the beginning; that was the first time that I felt myself begin to lose control of everything that I had always believed in. I had always believed that there was nothing that existed on this earth that couldn’t be fixed somehow, there was nothing I knew of that didn’t have a cure of some sort or a way around fixing it and there was definitely nothing that I didn’t believe I couldn’t fix myself. I had felt temporary relief when your blood tests showed that it was just stress related, had they not have shown that then I’m not sure that I could have even lasted that night without breaking down. You are my whole life Jo and the thought of losing you, it just doesn’t even bear thinking about. I love looking after you, I love being the person who is always there for you, I love making you laugh, wiping your tears when you are sad, I love being that one person who you need in your life, call me selfish because maybe that is how it sounds but I love being the person that you rely on, it gives me my meaning for just existing. I have always seen that in my dad, he was always my mother’s fixer upper as you call it, but then the day that mom told us about the cancer, seeing dad visibly crack in front of all of us, I knew that if he couldn’t cope with a situation like that, then neither could I.

  I lay in bed for hours that night while you lay fast asleep on my chest. My mind was baffled trying to figure out ways of making sure that mom could get through this ordeal without any upset or hurt to her or any of us and especially to Fraser who could potentially grow up without his favorite nanny as he put it.

  Then I was trying to figure out a way of making sure that our babies arrived safely because even though doctors are the professionals who have spent years upon years at medical school, it is me that is the one person who you rely on, and again, if I couldn’t do it, if I couldn’t save you or my mother or my babies then no one could.”

  I lay completely still so as not to disturb Blake while he was finally opening up to me, w
ith every word that he spoke, I could feel a little piece of tension drain from his body.

  “Then the nightmares began, every single night since then I have dreaded going to sleep because my mind had been occupied every single minute of the day by thoughts of you and my mother that by the time I am ready to close my eyes and shut out the world it would then continue into sleep. They’re bad Jo, they are just the worst dreams I have ever had, I am stood at your gravesides mourning you both, and not only that, but our babies’ graves too. In every single dream you are calling to me to help you, shouting at me to save the babies and I am helpless, there is nothing that I can do to save anyone and that is exactly how I feel in the real world too; I can’t get this feeling out of my body, this feeling that I could lose you both and I could lose our babies and there is not a single thing that I can do about it.” Blake’s voice along with his body began to shake with emotion as I lifted from his chest and rested onto my knees facing him; I took his hands in mine and held him tight.

  “I swear to you now Blake, look at me,” Blake’s eyes lifted to mine, they were full of unshed tears which I was hoping he would release at some point in order to clear his body of all sadness. “You are not going to lose me or your mum or our babies. Life has no guarantees, none whatsoever, but I promise you that you are not going to lose anyone just because you are scared that it is going to happen.”

  “You don’t know that,” Blake said sadly. “You never thought that you were going to lose your father as quickly as you did, and that just happened, so quickly and without warning.”

  “But doesn’t that show you Blake that worrying yourself over something that you have no control over will do you more harm than it will do good? Worrying that something is going to happen to me or your mother won’t stop it happening but it also doesn’t mean it is going to happen either, whatever life has mapped out for us is going to happen and no one knows when or how our time will come but doesn’t that mean that instead of worrying about it we should embrace life as we have it now? We should enjoy every single day like it is our last day Blake, pregnant or not, cancer sufferer or not, every day should be counted as if it is our last. I could step outside tomorrow and get knocked down or attacked or…..”