by Brea Viragh
Add Nolan’s newest revelation, and I was ready to dig a hole and crawl inside.
Kai came within reach and I swung. Pounded my fist against flesh as hard as I could hit. I added my elbow for impact, jabbing into his side. Content when he hunched over and grunted.
“Hit me.” He grimaced. “I know I fucked up.”
Those hazel eyes sought mine and I scrunched up my face. “How could you do this to me?” I howled. “I told you how hard it is for me to trust people. I told you about my past. And you had to come along, push and push and convince me to move forward with you. You hammered at my walls.”
“Nell…”
“You wanted me to risk my heart, and I won’t do it. I won’t do it for you. For anyone!”
At once Kai reached the end of his patience. He caught my fist before the next blow could land. “Stop before you hurt yourself.”
I was breathing hard. “You think I want you to touch me anymore? Occasional recreational sex is one thing, but I don’t go after men who are already taken. I do have some principles.”
“This wasn’t about sex and you know it.”
It was true, I did go after men. It was something I did when I felt the need, when the loneliness became unbearable. Yet I always managed to keep the connections to a minimum. Affection was much worse. It had made a mockery of me.
“This is your fault, Kai.”
The damn tears were back and this time they refused to stop. There was no way for me to make Kai adequately pay for the hurt. He coughed, trying to breathe after I’d knocked the breath from his lungs. There was shock in his face, a pinch of anger, and more than his share of regret.
Capturing my eyes with his, this time I didn’t have the fortitude to look away.
“It is my fault. I never wanted to hurt you.” Using his free hand to rub his stomach, Kai struggled to maintain his composure.
“Then why did you?” I demanded.
“Because…I don’t have an excuse. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. Let me make it up to you.”
“It’s too little too late. Now let go of me. I’m leaving.”
He shook his head. “It’s too dangerous. You’ll never get out of the driveway.”
I turned on my heel and stalked toward the frozen husk of my car. Both fists were bunched at my sides, bruised from using them. “You’re not worth the ache, Kai, let me tell you.” A tree trunk that happened to be in my way bore the brunt of my next wave of fury. The toe of my boot knocked against the bark, dislodging a small shower of snow and ice, and I limped forward.
“Turn around and come back here,” Kai ordered. “You aren’t walking away like this. I can’t let you.”
I continued to march, without turning, while he stalked behind me. I had to get away before I lost my tenuous grip on reason. Before I wound up breaking down or beating his face to a pulp. Before I told him how I felt in the darkest reaches of my heart.
“I’m entitled to honesty. I never asked you for the details of what went on, only for decency and respect.”
“You deliberately came to me and started a fight, Nell, damn you.” He came up behind me and whirled me around, taking advantage of the limp to get his hands under my elbows. Soon he’d lifted me straight up until I had no choice but to face him. He gripped my arms and shifted until our noses came within inches of touching.
Electricity crackled along my skin. “You’re a liar,” I ground out.
“Yes, I am. I’m a huge liar because I didn’t want to hurt you. I kept my personal business to myself until I thought the time was right, and unfortunately you found out before I was ready. What happened with Nolan was a mistake. We were drunk.”
“Until the time was right,” I repeated mockingly. I wanted to cry, not because I was sad, but because I was still pissed.
“Until I was sure I wouldn’t cross over the boundaries of propriety,” he explained. “Dammit, you have to understand, there are people who don’t take kindly to the thought of bisexuality, even if it was a mistake. I didn’t want to tell you right away until I was sure I could trust you.”
“Funny how you’re the one mentioning trust here.” I was pleased when my voice remained calm. Dead calm. “Now take your hands off of me.”
“Not until you listen.” He shook me to drive his meaning home. “What happened with Nolan is done. It was spur of the moment, and while I understand his feelings, they aren’t reciprocated. I’m in love with someone else.”
My eyes refused to blink and I wondered if they’d gotten stuck in the open position. Frozen with tears. “I hate cheats, and I hate men who think they can fuck with whomever they want without consequences.”
“You and I are both black, no matter how you paint it. Tell me I wasn’t just another playing piece in an endless string of dominoes you routinely knock over.”
“Put me down.”
Kai lowered me onto my feet and stepped away, holding his hands in front of him. “I’m done with this. I made it clear I’m willing to make our relationship work. More than willing. I want to be with you. I’m not interested in anyone else, no matter what you think about me. I don’t juggle. When I tell you it’s over with Nolan, it’s over.”
I lashed out. “You’re right about one thing. It is over. Now I’m going home to forget about everything. Do the same and we’ll all be better off.”
Pride kept me from turning around when Kai called out, “Don’t think I’m coming after you again.”
Perfect.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The car didn’t want to move, and I should have taken that as a sign. Should have swallowed the notion of maneuvering the icy roads, not to mention slaloming down the mile-long driveway, and sulked back into the house. Instead, I twisted the wheel and gunned the gas. The tires spun in place. The engine roared in protest.
I wrenched the car into reverse, ignoring the shakes and squeals and squabbles coming from beneath the hood. Smoke billowed, gears clanked, and I furiously fought back tears.
I hated to cry. Better to wallow in anger and self-righteousness. Those bubbled nicely beneath the surface and made a marvelous meal for martyrs.
After ten minutes of grinding the crank shaft, probably ruining my transmission, I was sliding along the driveway, trying my best not to tap the brakes. If I spent any more time trying to talk it out with Kai, I would lose what little was left of my sanity.
Distant streetlights cast shadows on the ice and the dark stretch of road looming ahead in an infinite track, the feeling of misfortune unshakeable.
It took over an hour to get home.
It wasn’t safe to go out, I realized, close to hyperventilating. Energy drained the moment my key slipped in the lock of my apartment and I was greeted with the sweet scent of familiarity.
I’d known hooking up with Kai would destroy my tidy life. Yeah, it sounded melodramatic to me, full of the woe-is-me type of pessimism I couldn’t stand in other women. I wasn’t big on either of those things but there was little I could do to stop the freight train of pity.
For a moment I stood, drooping and leaning against the door frame for support.
I’d been stupid, which was difficult to swallow. Wrong to let myself fall for a man who was unattainable. I should have listened to my gut instinct instead of getting caught up in the fantasy. The fantasy of how my life could be if I stopped fighting. Each step forward took too much effort, as though I were walking through a tidal pool. My body displayed the signs of shock, from the chill running along my spine to the hair standing on end on my arms. Check, check, and check.
I could not get warm.
I’d gotten nothing but a fight because I was a huge idiot, which had me slowly trudging to the kitchen cabinets and breaking out my secret stash of cookies. It did no good to get worked up over a man, one as low-down and dirty as Kai Ingles.
“Fuck him,” I told the empty apartment.
Four cookies in I realized I hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights or take off my coat
. Another two and I knew I had deep feelings for the snake. Feelings which shook me to the bedrock of my being.
Oh, the shame.
I couldn’t forgive him.
And there was no reason to, right? He was the one who’d hid something from me. A pretty big something. A life-changing something. Why should I be the one to try and reconcile when I was the victim?
I shook my head. No, I couldn’t be the victim ever again. I wasn’t built to play the oh-poor-poor-me card. There were too many issues to wrestle with, including the new, and terrifying, pain of his absence and all the fears it inspired. The possibility that I was done with Kai, for good, for real, haunted me.
Instead of focusing on the argument, I stood alone in the dark and nibbled cookies. Instead of stressing about the ride home, the thousand and one times I’d nearly slid off the road because of the ice, I took a hot shower. And instead of focusing on Kai, I turned the water up to scalding and let it burn me.
**
The next day, I went for a brief walk in town. I’d taken the entire week off from work, which meant there was nothing to keep me from replaying my series of arguments over and over. Nothing to keep me from discovering all the things I could, and should, have said instead of the ones I did.
The main streets were fairly clear of ice and snow, many of the sidewalks and roads still treacherous. It wasn’t completely safe to be out, but I didn’t want to go home, despite the hours I’d griped about wanting to do just that. In my apartment, alone, I remembered Kai as he’d been the first night. Wide-eyed, willing, a blank canvas before I’d gotten to know him. That perfect illusion shattered the instant I remembered Nolan.
I’m the one he kissed!
When it felt like I couldn’t get any lower, I did. The tinny ding of my cell phone worked better than an electric zap, jolting me out of the quicksand quagmire of my thoughts. Pulse thrashing, I glanced down at the screen, fearful of what I might see.
Perhaps my karma wasn’t so terrible after all.
I quickened my pace back toward the apartment and jumped in the car. Twenty minutes later, I was at Leda’s house.
“You shouldn’t have come out,” she told me the moment I sat. “They’ve started plowing the back roads. I texted you to let you know we were back safe from South Carolina, not a green light to come over.”
I sighed, leaning back in the chair with my arm draped over my eyes. “The main roads are fine now. If my little car could make it from my parents’ house, it can make it the five miles to yours.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Leda spared a look over her shoulder when her boyfriend Duncan came from the kitchen, holding two steaming bowls of soup, the porcelain dwarfed in his massive hands. “From what you’ve told me, I think you need time to be alone.”
“Yeah, I thought so too. But it turns out the mind can do a number on you when it has time to think. I’d rather not listen to it right now.”
“What’s the problem?” Duncan, a blond giant of a man, handed Leda one of the bowls, the other to me, and made himself comfy on the arm of the sofa.
“It’s nothing, sweetie.” Leda patted his arm. “Girl stuff.”
“Ah, gotcha. Then I’ll leave the two of you alone to chat.”
“Thanks.”
With a quick peck on the cheek, Duncan shuffled off into the other room. The house was small, cozy, and offered little privacy, although I appreciated his consideration.
I rubbed my unsettled stomach and contemplated the soup: a slow-cooker venture with onions, peppers, and chicken. “Sorry. Can’t eat. I gorged on cookies last night so I’m not feeling the best.”
“I know you want to pretend like nothing happened, but I can see it on your face. Tell. Me. Now. Or we can sit here, ignore the obvious, and go our separate ways.” Leda shuffled over to sit beside me, resting a hand on my leg. I examined her face for signs of judgment and disapproval, realizing what little she knew about my predicament. But I only saw compassion and worry. And the hint of something else I couldn’t describe.
“I’m running on fumes here,” I said. “Give me a break.”
“Sleep deprivation and too many sweets. You’ll pay for it soon.”
“Trust me, I already am.”
Leda chuckled, and I tried to let the sound reassure me. “Whatever else is gnawing on you, Nell, tell me now. Spill the beans.”
“There’s nothing to spill. I fell for someone and it ended up biting me in the ass big time.” I ran my fingernails along the side of the couch while I considered what to say. “You know what strikes me the most when I think about Kai?” I said abruptly. “It was how horribly right it felt. Not too hard, not too easy. Not too forward, not too lax. It was a beautiful act of balance, until I remember that Nature prefers chaos. And I’m totally jaded when it comes to affection.”
With a final pat on my leg, Leda rose to pour more water for the two of us, pondering me while she walked around the room. It was a cozy setup, with two loveseats instead of a single sofa. It made sense to break up the furniture instead of separating the space with a large piece. I curled deep, wallowing in my hurt.
“You admit you fell for him!” Leda raised a brow and stopped behind me, stroking my hair. “I knew it. I could see it the second you told me.”
I drew closer to the contact. “Yeah, well, what I didn’t tell you was that he locked tongues with my brother. Full on, hardcore make-out. That one came out of nowhere and completely blindsided me. How do you feel now?”
Leda opened her mouth, snapped it shut, and bit down on her lip. “Shocked and not half as bad as you do.”
“I’m trying to work it out.” I sniffled and threw my chin in the air automatically. “There’s not much I can say for him. Even if he’d come clean early on, I’m still not sure I can forgive him.”
“He played both of you at once. I understand,” Leda said flatly.
“No, he…no. He didn’t play us. I don’t believe he knew we were brother and sister. He said the thing with Nolan was a mistake and he really wanted to be with me.”
I wanted to slam something. Break whatever was close and handy. Unfortunately it wasn’t my house.
“He said they were drunk and it just happened. Because he respects Nolan. Sure, I’ll believe it. Right.”
“He tried to explain himself?”
“Yeah, he tried. It was nothing but excuses and apologies. He told me how he feels about me, but it was garbage.”
The corner of Leda’s mouth turned up. If I hadn’t been caught up in my misery, I might have taken offense. “How do you know it was garbage?” she asked.
“Because I know.”
Leda and Duncan had a fire going in the small woodstove nestled near the rear wall. Fresh coffee scented the air, in addition to the sweet smell of recently baked cupcakes. There was nothing like a good chat with a girlfriend to get your priorities straight. I’d been there when Leda needed help. Now I leaned on her.
“It could be an end, Nell, if you choose to see it that way,” she said. “Or it could be a beginning, but it’s your choice and no one can make it for you. You blocked Kai from trying to stand up for you. Unless you face your demons, nothing will change.” She sat next to me on the loveseat, moved closer, taking my hands in hers. “Do you think he has no feelings for you?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know. He doesn’t understand how badly it hurts. It’s like a lance of ice in my heart and I can’t get rid of the feeling.” Knots tangled together in my chest and I wished I knew how to explain myself in a better way. Luckily, with Leda I didn’t need to explain.
“I don’t want to contradict, but you may have jumped to conclusions,” Leda remarked. She bowled on when I tried to respond, shaking her head. “Don’t get me wrong. You are the most level-headed person I know, and definitely kept me on the right track when I had issues. Let me return the favor to you before you go off half-cocked and start another fight.”
“I do not start fights. I end them.” Defensivel
y, I pulled the edges of my sweatshirt tighter around my midsection. “I can’t help it if everyone around me went nuts.”
Her tone shifted from friendly and chatty to serious. Leda stopped nodding and smiling and fixed me with a no-nonsense gaze. “You can vent to me, and I don’t mind listening, but you have to be ready to accept my answers to your unasked questions.”
I wanted to stay angry. Life was easier with anger, easier to stay in the groove rather than face the consequences. I hated when things got hard. That was why I stayed alone.
“I’ll promise to…think about it.”
“I’m not the one to tell you something I wouldn’t be ready to do myself. In this case, I think your best bet is to talk to your brother.”
“Nolan?”
“Yeah. Unless you have another one I know nothing about.”
“He’s pretty well pissed at me.”
“I don’t think you overreacted, Nell, because I wouldn’t know what to do if the roles were reversed. I do think you walked too soon.”
“I’m responsible for my own actions, yes. It’s better that way,” I said.
“Then stop letting everyone push your buttons and think about this. Kai has feelings for you, that much is clear. It pisses you off and it terrifies you. Hell, you didn’t want to take off your coat when you got here. Give him the benefit of the doubt or not, but talk. Open up the pathways of communication and see if you can put your own hurt aside.”
“You know,” I responded grimly, “I’d almost think you were on his side instead of mine.”
“Now you’re being insulting. No cupcakes for you.” Leda turned to the window, where snow still lay in deep drifts over her lawn.
I kept my voice flat and unemotional. I didn’t want her to see the inside of my heart, and how afraid I was. How much I cared for Kai. “I’m sorry, Leda. The holidays have me stressed.”
“You’re always going to have stress. Don’t let it affect your happiness.”
I couldn’t look at her anymore, not when I wanted to break down. A hug would have been nice but I decided it didn’t fit with the image I wanted to present. “I think I’ll take the soup now.”
