by Brea Viragh
“There you go.” Leda shot me a bright, wide grin. “It’s something to warm the soul. I’ll send the cupcakes with you when you go.”
“Trying to kick me out already?”
“We’ll call it a departure gift. But you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. It’s another lazy day for us. You’re lucky we made it back from Papa’s house yesterday.”
“You braved the snow. I’m shocked. And glad the roads were okay for you.”
“Well, it’s good to be home. Good to be settled again.”
Settled. It was never a word I wanted applied to my life. Routine, yes, but settled meant strings. It meant ties to people and places, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for any more.
I didn’t want to bring up the past anymore, feeling the scar rubbed raw.
“You had a good time in South Carolina?”
“We did. It was nice to see Papa and not feel pressured to make the appearance, you know?” Leda held her bowl up to her nose and inhaled the steam. “I’m sorry. I know how you feel about your family.”
“Like a doll on display? Yeah.” I scratched my head, dropping back onto the couch cushions and tracing the lines of the plastered ceiling with my gaze.
“It will get easier one day. You’re a good person for going over there.”
“Someone has to continue the dog-and-pony act.”
Leda placed her soup on the coffee table and reached for me. “He’s not Pete.”
“We’re done talking about Kai. He’s a son of a bitch and he was using me.” I steadied myself again, knowing it was important to stay calm and controlled.
I’d raised a spoonful of soup to my mouth when the phone rang. My pocket vibrated with each incoming ring. Reaching down, I removed the phone, service newly restored with the proximity to the cell towers, and saw the name.
Nolan. My stomach gave a single, raging flip.
“Speak of the devil,” I told Leda. “He must have a sixth sense.” I answered the call with the click of my fingertip on the screen before I could change my mind. “What the hell do you want?” I barked.
His response was a dismissive scoff that sounded like rapidly expelled air in a single burst. “Nellie, it’s me.”
“No shit. I’m not in the mood to talk to you.” I glanced over to Leda, who nodded in the universal sign to stay strong.
“Listen, you have to come back.”
I detected a shudder in his voice. I’d started out not entirely willing to listen but had picked up steam the longer he spoke. Nolan’s voice wavered, though I needed more persuading to hear him out.
“I don’t have to do anything. I made it out in one piece and I plan on staying away until you and your friend are in the car, on the road back to college. I’m done.”
“It’s not that. You have to come now. Kai’s in the hospital.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
There’s no worse feeling in this world than feeling hollow.
When the person you love is in the hospital, the issues from the past have a tendency to shrink to the size of your shriveled heart. For a picosecond, when you first get the call, it’s all you think about. It’s eternity. You’re paralyzed.
Then you shoot, slightly off-balance, into forward motion.
I’d been sitting when the world slowed, time decelerated, and I watched the hands on the clock come to a screeching halt. And now I couldn’t move fast enough, fearful of every second that ticked by.
Ice frosted the ground and crunched underfoot as I ran along the curving sidewalk leading into the hospital. Overhead, the sun shone down in a mockery of the fissure of brittle cold forming in my chest, which expanded to the point where my ribs ached from the pressure. Breath tore from my lungs to hang in the air, puffy gusts of white mist. My muscles ached, screamed, failing to warm and moving like squeaky hinges.
Faster, faster. I needed to go faster. Inhale sharp shards of ice and exhale.
I stopped long enough to press a hand to my pounding head. Kai. Somehow, a thought managed to pierce through the headache, his name, and I continued to run with the precision of an automaton. Every tendon in my body shook.
Accident. In the hospital. Come quick.
The snow had been neatly cleared from the hospital parking lot. People drove by, heedless of what was happening in my world, my poor fractured world where I wasn’t sure of up or down, black or white. Whether I was ambivalent or going out of my mind with worry. My brain flipped and flopped from apathetic numbness to pure panic.
Nolan hadn’t offered much beyond a casual slap in the face when he stated how he had been there for Kai when I hadn’t. Worse, when he told me how the fall was my fault and I needed to be ashamed. When I rang the hospital, a coworker had taken it upon herself to tell me about what she called a “harmless accident.”
If it was harmless, then why was he in the hospital? And why wasn’t anyone willing to give me details?
Fighting against sheer fatigue, I caught the echo of my pumping lungs against eventual collapse, stumbled the last two hundred feet to the hospital doors.
I crossed the marble floor like a blind woman, jogging past patrons and frenzied nurses toward the front desk. The girl seated by the computer was familiar. I should have remembered her name. We’d worked together multiple times over my four-year stint at the hospital.
Marissa? Miranda?
Milliana. That was it.
She caught my penetrating look, the motion accompanied by a lip-bite. “Nell…” she began. “Calm down. It’s nothing!”
“Tell me what room he’s in,” I demanded. Claw-like hands gripped the edge of the counter. My vision blurred and I focused on getting to Kai. Finding him. “Before I lose my mind.”
Milliana shook her head. “Calm down before you fall down. Do you want me to get you some water from the break room?”
I shoved a lock of hair from my face and gave her my best impression of a mountain lion. “You’re wasting my time.”
“It’s not as bad as Poppy made it sound when she called. You know how she gets sometimes when—”
Instead of listening, I leaned over the counter and grabbed the charts lying on the desk. It took seconds to recognize the letters of his first and last name, moments to find the room number and take off down the hallway. Paperwork fluttered behind me and fell to the floor.
Another step. Another two steps. Another three more and I would be there with him. My sneakers plat-ed along the linoleum. Gripping the aluminum door frame, I spun into the room and came to a complete stop.
My mind had made it out to be worse. Much worse. There were no wires and tubes connecting him to life support, no background beeps and whines from the machines. Kai lay propped on a mound of pillows, skin pale, and an ominously large white bandage across his forehead.
They’d shaved his head. Funny how I focused on that. His familiar flip of hair missing had turned him into a stranger.
I wanted to speak and found I had nothing to say. Oh, there was plenty bottled up, but nothing came out when I opened my mouth.
“You’re here.”
I jolted out of my trance at the sound of his voice. “You’re alive.”
“This?” Kai pointed to the bandage stretched tight on his head, and winced at the movement. “It’s nothing. It’s a scratch.”
“It’s more than a scratch.” My fingers went limp and I forgot all about my resolve. There was no room in my heart to focus on the kiss, or the lies. Only the barrumph, barrumph of his pulse in time with the machines.
“I’m fine. Nolan overreacted and thought I needed to come to the hospital.” Kai tried to sit up. Fell backward, with a light sheen of sweat for the effort.
I crossed the room and came to a stop at the foot of the bed. “Be still. Where are the others?” I glanced quickly at his chart. Ten stitches.
“Home. I’m being held overnight due to a possible concussion and I told them I didn’t need the company. It was a whiz of hospital gown, paperwork, and Advil. Nolan’s stoma
ch was getting queasy so the doctor sent them away.”
The better for me. I wasn’t sure I was able to face them. “Tell me what happened. Concussions can be dangerous.”
“I came after you.”
The four words I didn’t want to hear. Then I remembered. Yes. There had been talk of fault and blame, Nolan making sure I knew the culprit before he let me off the phone. Bracing my arms on the end frame of the bed, I ground the heels of my hands into my eyes until I saw stars.
“You idiot. You said you wouldn’t. I distinctly remember you telling me you wouldn’t follow.”
Kai offered me his best fake smile. “Well, I couldn’t let you go. Not without making it right. I didn’t know if you were going to be fine driving or get stuck somewhere, so I followed the tracks. I didn’t see the rock until it collided with my foot.”
I moved to his side and gestured at the bandage. “You did more than stub your toe.”
“I fell and snapped my head into the ground, nothing major. Curran found me about ten minutes later lying in a puddle of my own blood. It’s nothing insurance won’t cover.”
“You could have a concussion, you stupid ass. Or a brain bleed. There are all kinds of complications that go along with a head injury.”
He put his hand on mine, covering it and sending a shock of awareness through my body, landing in the pit of my stomach.
“We’re still waiting on the CAT scan,” he said. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were actually worried about me.”
I scowled. “I’m here, aren’t I? I got the call and I came.”
He scorched me with a single look. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Of course it was.”
“No, Nell. It’s just a scratch. I hit my head.”
“A scratch requiring ten stitches and a stay in the hospital.” I nodded toward the foot of the bed. “I saw your chart.”
“I’m happy you came.” He moistened his lips and leaned forward. A curling motion of his finger invited me closer. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to oblige. Instead I raised an eyebrow, the intimate space between us already too cozy.
“There wasn’t a question about coming or not,” I told him.
“Ah, see? Your emotions are showing.”
I lifted the edge of the bandage to check the neat row of Xs slashed across his forehead. When all appeared to be normal, I returned to his side. “I’m not going easier on you because you’re an invalid.”
“Please, Nurse Nell, have a heart.” He sounded tired.
“Not sure I have one, sorry.”
“No, it’s there. I felt it when you pressed your chest to mine and cried out my name.”
I sighed. “Let’s focus here, Kai.”
“Right. You were asking about my health.”
“Yeah, well, you’re in a hospital. Not sure what else you want to talk about.”
“Our relationship, instead?”
I wanted to cry. “No. That topic of conversation is off the table.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
“All right, Nurse Ratched, I’ll play along.”
I shot him what was supposed to be a quirky killer-caregiver smile.
Because of the location of his wound, the doctor had shaved away most of his hair, leaving him with a military-style buzz cut. It didn’t suit his face at all. The skin around the bandage was swollen, bruised, and painful-looking, but the bandage itself was pristine. No drainage, no blood oozing between the stitches. At least I was satisfied with the adequate medical attention he’d been given.
“Why didn’t you go back to the house? I told you I was fine. I made it home in one piece.”
“Because I didn’t want to let you go.” He sucked in a breath, though I detected a small yelp of protest.
I reached for him before I had a chance to temper the impulse. It would have been best for me to leave. Now I couldn’t. I’d heard him speak, the raspy syllables different from his normal robust tone.
Was my own guilt keeping me in place? “I’m sorry,” I offered. Talking rapidly, I continued. “Leave it to a man to not listen. Now you’re in this bed because of me. You can blame it on the ice or your own clumsiness, but we both know the truth.”
His fingers curled around mine. “Do you always cause this much trouble?”
“Yes,” I answered slowly, “I think I do.”
“I’m going to be fine. You and I both know scalp wounds are the worst; they bleed like a decapitation. You don’t need to be careful with me.”
As he spoke he pulled me closer, but the effort cost him. Soon spots of blood welled to the surface of the bandage, drawn there by his exertion. I set aside emotional Nell, the one I’d stuffed away for only my blackest moments, and drew on the professional aura I assumed at work. I needed to let Nurse Nell handle the situation.
“I’m hungry. You hungry? Why don’t we go out to dinner?” Kai let out a breath of air, closing his eyes while I examined the stitches a second time.
“The blood loss has gone to your head. You’ve got fuzzy brain. Technical term.”
He chuckled, and then clenched his teeth when the motion caused pain. I saw it on his face, a flash of soreness that only time would heal. “No, I’m sane. I figure I should take the opportunity to ask you out while I’m lying here all pathetic.”
“You think I can’t say no to a pathetic man?”
“I’m banking on your sympathy.”
I placed my palms down on the bed next to him. It was time, I decided, for me to make a clean break between us without any more drama, any more consequences. Emotional Nell wanted to protest, but the detached side of me won out in the end. Clinical, cold, and one bad bitch who knew what needed to be done. I’d risked another Peter and came out scarred. Better for everyone if I ran.
“Kai, I came because I wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay. I also wanted to apologize, both of which I’ve done. After today, you will go your way, and I’ll go mine.”
He shook his head in a way meant to convey that I was acting stupid. “I don’t hear an agreement to dinner anywhere in there. Between you and me, I’m starving for real food. The drive here was a blur and a single cup of green Jell-O waited for me. Do you realize how disgusting I find green Jell-O?”
I fought against a swell of overexcited laughter. “You know it’s better this way.”
“Because of Nolan.” Sudden rage exploded behind his eyes.
How simple would it be to blame it on the kiss? To say I could not resolve the idea of Kai and my brother together and leave it at that?
I eased away from him. “It’s not Nolan. It’s me. I’m not ready for a relationship, despite your tempting offer of dinner.”
“You want to end it here? Now?”
“It ended before it began.”
“You’re in love with me and you can’t admit it.”
He wasn’t exactly wrong. “Your ego is astounding.”
Kai opened his eyes and stared at me with thinly veiled impatience. I recognized the expression and knew it well. I was the one usually wearing it. He dared me to disagree with him. “Nell…”
We weren’t even touching anymore, but the way he said my name had my pulse leapfrogging to be free. I saw it beating beneath my skin in a jackhammering of throbs one after the other.
“It’s better this way.” Was I trying to convince him or myself?
The look he gave me then was wounded and frightened and kind. All at the same time. It was like the scene at the end of a movie when you knew something horrible would happen.
At once I let out a ragged breath to combat the instant wave of pain. A physical pain beginning low until it seemed my nerve endings were screaming. My stomach clenched. My teeth snapped together hard enough to shatter.
The kind of control I exhibited was something to be admired. Good old Nell Quade, doing what was needed to get the job done. In this case, ensure everyone’s best interests. I nearly gave in to my unv
oiced desires and pushed him back on the bed despite my demand for control.
I knew I’d be lost if I did. Mercilessly devoured by my own selfishness.
“Let’s not make it more complicated than it has to be. Are you in pain?” There was no shock in my voice now. No more verbal condemnation. There was…nothing.
He’d pulled away, although he hadn’t moved an inch. The connection between him and me, which had existed at a level of intimacy I couldn’t tolerate, was evaporating. I seethed at the loss. I lacked the gumption to find it again.
Kai sighed and turned to face the window. “Not where it can be fixed.”
“Your stitches are bleeding. I’ll let them know on my way out and someone will be in to help.”
I was trying to save a life. My life. There’s honor in that, right? There’s honor in stepping away to do the right thing. I dabbed a finger to the corner of my eye at the slight stinging there.
I stood on shaky knees, taking the time to straighten my jacket, which I had never removed, attempting to tidy my appearance as if it made a difference. “It was fantastic to meet you, Kai, it was. I hope you have a safe trip home.”
He refused to look at me. “Sure, Nell. Fantastic to meet you, too.”
There, I’d dropped the axe and let it plunge down straight into my chest and murder any lingering desire. My shoulders drooped, and to combat the awkward ache in my stomach, I wrapped my arms around my midsection.
“Take care of yourself. No more stitches, okay?”
He continued to stare at the window when I walked out. Tipping my head down, the cascade of hair hid me from the rest of the world.
What have I done?
It took effort to get home. Hell, it took determination to keep my hands on the steering wheel when they trembled and to keep the car in a straight line while I drove the ten minutes to my apartment. To make matters worse, I spent nearly the same amount of time trying to get the key in the door until I realized I was using the key to my work locker.
When I made it inside, the house felt empty and I wondered again, why.
“It’s the best thing for everyone, right?” I voiced the thought aloud. “This way, Nolan can’t be mad, my mother won’t get the wedding she wants, and I’m free to play the field.”
