by Brea Viragh
Then why did the prospect seem so unappealing?
He’d looked unhappy lying there, pale as the sheets on the bed and imploring me to stay, to reconsider the decision I’d made the moment I saw him in the bar.
I was an independent woman who wouldn’t let any man control me again.
Why do I feel so bad, then?
What was it about Kai? I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and breathe deep. Feel him against my neck when he brought me in for a hug. Placing my head against the kitchen counter, I muttered a plea to deliver me from weakness.
I kicked my shoes aside. They slapped against the wall, leaving black tread marks on the sheetrock. The quiet truth of the relationship settled in and made my heart ache. Kai was right. I was in love, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do except walk away.
This was what it was like to be torn apart by love. What had changed? In the span of a week, between yesterday and today, what had changed?
The trip to the bedroom seemed to take a lifetime. I shucked away the rest of my clothes and crawled under the covers in my bed. Curling into a ball on my side, I sucked in a heaving gasp chock full of denial. The air was heavy.
Secrets have the ability to annihilate. Hide them, ignore them, bury and disguise and masquerade them as something else—doesn’t matter. You might think the truth has rotted down to nothing but it’s still there. Biding time before sprouting back to life.
That’s what I had failed to remember.
So I walked away. It’s what I did best.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
When I returned to work the following week, my fingers trembled. Shook like a baby in a basket in a windstorm when I raised the stethoscope to my first patient’s chest. I nearly impaled myself with a needle the second I tried to draw blood amidst my outraged patient’s gasps.
“Take more time off,” my fellow nurse practitioner Poppy soothed, watching me shuffle file folders. “No one will blame you. There’s nothing wrong with needing a recovery period. We’d understand if you want more time to get over your breakup.”
My stomach complained bitterly, a gnawing desire for cookies warring with fatigue. “I’m fine, dammit. There was no breakup.”
“You don’t look fine. You look shitty.” Poppy said the last with pleasure.
Voices hummed around me, worries and tempers and idle chit-chat. It was sheer dissonance to me. Maybe I had come back to work too soon. Burdened by my time at my parents’ house, I thought it best to return to the world I knew. The one I loved, where I was wanted.
“Thanks for the optimism.” I hovered behind her, watching her type information into the computer. “Give me an easy one.”
Milliana, the most helpful of my coworkers, spared me a smile. “I’ve got a woman complaining about a stomach bug. Wants to know if it’s the flu.”
I closed my eyes, tipping my head and pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’ll take her.”
Poppy slapped the folder into my waiting hand. “Do this and then take a long lunch. I’ll cover for you.”
“I don’t want a long lunch,” I said irritably. “Both of you stop with the false concern and let me do my job.”
They watched me walk down the hall, with a knowing gaze shared between them. I caught the reflection in the mirror hanging in a corner to my right. Frenemies if I’d ever seen them.
My nonskid shoes made no sound.
Here was familiar. The same antiseptic smell warring with nondescript air fresheners. The same issues and people and expectations. It was lively, bustling with activity year-round. I loved it, loved my job. So why did I feel so damn morose?
I stopped outside the room where my next patient sat waiting. Negative thoughts beat at me with greedy little fists, and despite my best efforts, I still missed Kai. By now he and Nolan must have beaten the weather and taken off. I hoped so, at any rate. I hadn’t heard from either one since I left the hospital that day.
Good, the vicious little voice in my head retorted. Let him go home with his boy love. It has nothing to do with me.
Except it had everything to do with me.
With a sigh, I drew my shoulders up and put on my best professional face before knocking twice.
“I’m ready,” came the weak reply from the other side.
Smile pinned in place, I tucked my head around the corner…and took a step back. A literal step in the opposite direction when I came face to face with Isabel Cook. No, it was Isabel McKenney now.
Holy hell.
The pale-faced woman with wavy light brown hair held her stomach when she turned to address me. “Oh, it’s you. I was expecting a doctor.”
I pointed over my shoulder. “I, ah…I can find another person if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”
She clutched her belly, a visible wave of nausea sweeping over her. “At this point, I don’t care if you helped Leda break up my relationship or if you strangled the pope. I could care less about your involvement. I need a flu shot ASAP.”
It was the icing on top of the shit-cake of my life. Here was Isabel, months after her fiancé Duncan left her for my best friend Leda. Isabel, happily married now to August McKenney, the man of her dreams, and Leda well on her way to the same with Duncan…and still I couldn’t help but feel awkward.
Professional, I reminded myself. Time to be professional and forget that this woman probably wanted to run me over with a steamroller. She’d been mortified, hurt in the worst way, and I’d watched it unfold.
“You know the shot does nothing once you actually have the flu, right?” I cricked my neck. If Isabel didn’t have a problem with me, then I wouldn’t make one. “Let’s get a swab and see about this influenza. What are your symptoms?”
She rested her head against the back of her hand. “I can’t sleep but I’m exhausted. My head hurts, my hips hurt, and I’m sick to my stomach. The smell of food makes me want to yack, and trust me, I’m a woman who loves to eat. I’ve wanted to wring August’s neck all week just for looking at me sideways.”
“He’s a man. I understand.” Boy, did I. Gloves hung from a box on the wall. I grabbed a pair and got to work. “We’re here to get you better. Although there’s a doctor in town who’s closer. You didn’t have to come to the hospital.”
Isabel winced when I probed her abdomen. “She’s also good friends with August’s mother, and I’d rather not have my business spread around town, you know?”
I grinned. “Yes.”
It was all I could do to keep my own business quiet. I’d imagined the headlines many times over: Woman loses love of her life to homosexual brother.
“I want you to understand,” Isabel began as I took her wrist to check her pulse. “People think I’m the type to hold a grudge, and I’m not. I’ve found my happiness. I don’t have a right to condemn anyone else for finding theirs.”
I swallowed. Hard. Hard enough to choke on my own spit. “I hear you,” I croaked.
Her pulse was normal, so I checked her temperature for fever. But beyond the proclaimed stomach ache, I couldn’t see anything wrong with Isabel. Eyes clear, ears clear, temperature fine and heartbeat strong. It didn’t appear to be the flu.
Dutifully, I continued to process her request for a swab, also taking a sample of blood on the off-chance my hunch was correct. This didn’t scream viral infection. Tired to the bone, I stifled a yawn and my jaw cracked.
Her eyes flicked up to mine when I stepped aside to study her. “Nell?”
Here was a woman who’d come close to losing it all. She’d caught her soon-to-be-husband with another woman, and learned the truth about her best guy friend and his feelings for her. Yet she’d managed to come out on the winning side.
I imagined myself in her shoes and knew I would have taken a different turn, more than likely ending with a drastically different outcome, too.
How much strength did it take to confront your demons?
“Nell? Are you okay?”
Shaking my head, I sent her a
sideways look. We weren’t here for me. We were here to answer a question, and Isabel deserved my best attempt. Staring at her now, I noted the rosy glow despite the queasiness.
“Give me a minute. I have a hunch…”
The lab tests took little time at all. I could have run them in my sleep. The results were just as I’d suspected. Funny how such a tiny thing could create such conclusive and life-changing effects. I returned to the exam room fifteen minutes later with her answers.
“How do you feel about babies?”
“Babies.” She blinked. “What about them?”
“How do you feel about babies?”
“They’re all right, I guess.”
Good thing she was seated, otherwise the shock of the word I then delivered would have bowled her over.
“Pregnant,” she breathed. “That’s impossible.”
“Actually, it’s pretty common when you put a penis in a vagina and let it go to town.” I knew she’d appreciate the candidness, and cocked a hip against the counter. “Congratulations! This is a special occasion. One you weren’t expecting, I take it?”
She clasped both hands over the flatness of her stomach. “I can’t believe it.” Isabel’s voice went dreamy soft. “A baby…”
I glanced at her medical record. “Since you’re over thirty-five, I have to tell you this is considered a geriatric pregnancy. We’ll want you to come in every couple of weeks to monitor your vitals. And it goes without saying that we’ll get you set up with the best midwife in town.”
Her fingers remained pressed together while she let out a baffled laugh. “August is going to flip his lid. We weren’t trying…” She wasn’t unhappy about it, I was pleased to see.
I clasped her shoulder. “Sometimes fate takes the reins and we bobble along for the ride.”
There was something in her expression, a settling-in. She’d adjusted quickly to her new state. Beyond the contentment there was unbridled happiness.
“You’re taking this well,” I told her.
“I never wanted babies. The marriage, sure, but the rest…it was kind of down the line. I would worry about it when and if it happened.” She closed her eyes, perhaps focusing on the new life growing inside of her. “I guess…it happened,” she murmured.
The two of us stared at each other, a shared moment where I caught the tail end of her happiness, bright and sharp. It filled me with joy. It also made my heart ache.
Suddenly she said, “You look like you need a hug.” Despite the baggage between us, Isabel rose and wrapped me in her arms. She drew me close and held me tight while emotion flooded me. I turned my face into her hair. “There’s no need for you to look so sad.” The comment was made from an outside perspective, from a person who had no clue about me or my life.
“This day is supposed to be about you,” I replied with a half-sob. “You shouldn’t be reassuring me. I have paperwork to give you and a big long spiel about prenatal care.”
She released me long enough to look down from the five-inch height difference. “If the experience this summer taught me anything, it’s that life is too short to hold on to your misery. Live for the day.” She sniffled, drawing back. “The baby has me worked up.”
“Sure, blame it on the baby.”
I finished processing the paperwork and released a euphoric Isabel a half hour later. Her joy had me thinking. One day I hoped to be in her place. To make something beautiful with a special man. Too bad there was only one I pictured for the long haul.
There was no going back now. We’d stepped too far from each other to close the distance between us. As a result, I’d be lucky to end up an old maid with fifty dogs.
**
Two days later, I drove up the mile-long driveway toward the old colonial. There were no doubts in my head about pushing the gas pedal down. This was the first step of many toward a better me. One where the bitterness stayed on the outside instead of taking up residence.
I knew, one of these days, I’d need to take a trip out of town and make it right with Nolan. We hadn’t said our goodbyes beyond a brief text wishing him a safe drive. I didn’t want to be that person but I wasn’t ready for the confrontation. Baby steps, I told myself. Let me grapple with one issue at a time.
I couldn’t think about Kai, not after what we’d said to each other. I’d have to chalk him up as one of my biggest regrets. People need stories to tell their grandchildren one day, right? I remember when...
Except I’d be the one without grandkids because I’d lost the love of my life. There was no way he would ever forgive me for cutting the ties the way I did. I wouldn’t if I were him.
I didn’t bother knocking on the front door this time, although I did take off my muddy shoes and place them on the mat.
“Momma?”
The answering call came from the kitchen. “Nell? What are you doing here?”
I followed the muffled curses where my mother was trying to figure out the automatic coffeemaker Kai had left behind as a thank-you gift. In the end, I knew either Dad or I would be delegated to the minor task when Thessaly determined she didn’t have the patience for it. Or pick the pieces out of the trash when she went back to her French press and dandelions.
I crossed the room and kissed her cheek instead of complaining.
“What was that for?” Thessaly turned. “And why are you here? I thought you had to work.”
“Because you needed it.”
“If you’re trying to tell me I need more rest, or I’d do well with a winter cleanse, then I refuse to rise to your bait.” She slapped the side of the machine and stared at her reflection in the shiny plastic. Expecting instant results where there weren’t any.
Weary, I shifted my weight and landed heavy on the counter. “I wasn’t implying anything. Probably because I’m too tired.”
“The boys are gone and I’ve had a lot on my mind after the hospital trip. I’m not playing your game, Nell.”
“No game.” All right, if she went any further then I’d have to tie my laces and get back on the field. But I was trying to be good. To be better than I was.
“You look peaked.” Thessaly closed the distance between us and gave my cheek a pinch. “Your color is gone.”
I shook my head, eyebrows rising. “It melted along with the snow and I can’t find it again.”
Her amusement faded, replaced with motherly concern. Thessaly gestured for me to have a seat at the banquette. “Are you okay?”
I had too much twitch to sit. “I’m sorry I made Thanksgiving so unpleasant for everyone.”
“We’ve settled down again. It was an exciting couple of days.”
“Still. I’m sorry.”
“Have you been worried?” She took another careful study of my face and I knew she saw the smudges beneath my eyes. The paleness marginally hidden by the layers of blush I’d caked on. “It hasn’t been a problem for me. I’m used to your acerbic attitude.” Thessaly let out a long breath. “You only embarrassed yourself. I wish you hadn’t. It pained me to see you acting out when I know the sweet girl you can be.”
I wanted to come up with a snappy quip, my usual response. Instead, my lips fluttered like the mouth of a ventriloquist’s dummy. What good would it do to defend my position now? Nothing I said would come to anything.
But I had to at least try. “Well, I confess I felt that way too. I couldn’t say anything to you, because I didn’t want to complicate the situation. But the company was driving me crazy. I’m sure you’re happy you don’t have to deal with me anymore.”
“Good riddance, right?” The look she gave me was challenging.
Wanting to stay away from an argument, I took a deep breath. Fists clenched at my sides before I purposely released each joint and knuckle.
“Like I said, I’m too tired to fight with you today.”
I blinked when Thessaly pressed a button and set the machine whirring. Soon the scent of fresh coffee filled the air, a steady stream of liquid black gold bubbling into
a mug.
“You know…” She spoke slowly, forcing me to pay attention to each syllable. “…the boys packed up and headed out three days ago. Kai left. He’s gone. I’m not sure you’ll get another chance.”
Reaching over, I grabbed a cookie from a nearby plate and bit down. Oatmeal raisin. “Another chance to what? To find a man? To give you grandchildren?”
“To make it right with him.” Thessaly gave my arm a pat. “Second and third chances don’t come around every day.”
“I know you adore him, but it’s nothing.” I glanced down at the half-eaten cookie. The sudden sharp blast of pain in my gut was a strange reaction and one I didn’t want to analyze.
She waggled a spoon at me, honey dangling from the tip. “There sure has been a lot of nothing going around. I’m not here to tell you what to do.”
I scoffed. “That would be a first.”
“But this isn’t about grandbabies. Or whatever it is you usually think about. This is about you and your happiness. Don’t you know it’s time for you to take a step back and look at the bigger picture here?”
“And why is that?”
“You’re pushing your thirties. I know being alone is your choice, but does it have to be your only option? Do you have to punish every man who wants to be in your life because of what happened to you?”
At once I wanted to throw a tantrum. A full-blown, terrible-twos tantrum where I stomped my feet and broke everything in sight. Instead I gripped the edge of the sink, wondering what to say and why I always lost my temper. I wanted to leave. To stop being so combative.
“I enjoy being alone,” I told her simply. “Have you ever thought about it that way? I don’t want to be like everyone else around here. Finding a man, finding a house, and settling down to pop out babies. I want to be different. So why do you keep pushing me?”
“Honestly, Nell?” Thessaly wiped her hands down the front of her thighs. “I wish I had a clear-cut answer for you. I found my happiness when I met your father, which is a horrible thing to say because I appreciate women who have confidence in their own strength. I’ve only come to find mine once I had Curran to ground me. I want the same thing for you. To see your happiness surpass mine.”
