by Holly Hood
“Why can’t you just believe it?” he asked. I opened my eyes, water trailing down my face. Mason wiped it away. I could see how much it pained him to see me unhappy.
“I don’t know what to believe,” I sighed. “I just don’t know how.”
The sound of water drowned out his voice. He stared at me with that same expression. He always looked so bewildered yet infatuated with me.
After the shower we hurried downtown to see the fireworks. Luckily we weren’t far from them. I tugged my hat lower, my ponytail hitting the back of my neck.
Mason pulled me through the thick crowd of people. He was right, we were just a speck amongst so much chaos. I held tight to his hand, my feet hesitant.
The crowd was so loud I would have never been able to say anything to him if I wanted to. The smell of food and beer passed my nose. And the hoots and hollers of random people enjoying the night and what was to come filled my ears.
We were in the middle of a large park, bits of grass showing up between crops of people. Some so tall I felt as if I was sinking in the midst of it all. We stopped walking. Mason threw an arm around me. I could tell this was all that mattered to him.
“Happy fourth of July,” he said. I smirked. It wasn’t really a holiday to me.
He stroked the back of my hand, staring at the sky, waiting for the magical burst of light. The kind that was so magical to so many people. To me I knew it was man powered, so I saw now magic behind it. I thought it was dumb to enjoy something so mindless. If only real magic existed, that would be something to believe in.
I leaned closer to Mason as more people filled the area all around us. It was just about Showtime. The sky was dark except for the streetlights dotting the park.
“You see that over there?” Mason asked.
I looked, a small hill with hardly any people sat off in the distance. We hurried over just in time for the fireworks, the crackling closer than I expected. Mason took a seat. I sat next to him watching carefully. The lights bounced off my skin, the wind howled in my ears.
“Hey, don’t I know you?” Someone asked from behind us, we both turned around at the same time. There stood the red haired waitress, and next to her were a long haired girl and a thin guy.
Her face transformed into a pleasant smile as they got closer. I waved, trying to be friendly. Mason sat up, looking the three of the over. The skinny guy extended his hand to him. As I looked closer they all had a very punk rock style. The skinny guy was covered in tattoos from his neck to his wrist. His lip was pierced and he sported a Mohawk.
“This is Trent and Star.” She introduced the two of them. Star smiled and gave a wave. Her hair was long and black, her skin honey brown. She had chocolate brown eyes and she wore long dreadlocks that draped down her back, they were pinned in place with a simple red band.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hey how’s it going?” Mason Asked, offering them a spot next to us.
“I’m Renee.” Renee said jokingly. She took a seat next to Mason, along with Trent and Star. “I love the fourth. It’s great to be out for all the festivities.”
Mason and I listened as she went on and on about the day, how much it meant to her, and why it was just so amazing. I held back the urge to roll my eyes, I knew she meant well.
I try to convince Kendall to think of it the same way, but she isn’t one for the holidays,” Mason told them.
Star giggled and Trent pulled out a pack of cigarettes, he packed them with his palm as he listened in on our mindless conversation about nothing and everything.
“I see you got away from your aunt for the night. That’s got to be freeing,” Renee said, nudging me in the side. There was a secret smile that only I understood.
“Yeah, my aunt doesn’t care for the holidays either,” I told her.
We all laid in the grass smoking cigarettes and talking. Talking like kids our age did. About music and sports and our celebrity crushes. It was strange because I never hung out with people my age other than Mason. I didn’t even know I had an opinion on things like pop culture. It felt normal.
I felt accepted. The feeling of doom lifted and took a seat across from me for the moment. I imagined what my doom looked like, probably something similar to Aunt Wanda or my mom. I imagined my doom staring back at me, watching my every move. It was probably angry at the fun I was having.
Mason pulled me from my wicked imagination. He pulled me from the ground and informed me everyone wanted to go back to Renee’s downtown apartment.
We walked the street at a snail’s pace stuck behind a massive crowd of people eager to get home. Mason kept a hand securely around my waist.
We listened to Renee go on and on about life. She was a girl with a lot on her mind—maybe too much. She thought too much about the simplest things. Things to me that seemed black and white, but to Renee they were all the colors of the rainbow.
Renee and her friends were free spirits. I imagined they would fight for the rights of trees and probably were vegans. Things that to Mason and I just didn’t matter. They were the kind of people who probably would end up joining some cult and slitting their wrist in the name of some god no one ever heard of before, it kind of creeped me out.
I tugged on Mason’s sleeve.
“What’s up?” he asked. We had stopped outside Renee’s apartment and I was having second thoughts about going inside.
“I have to admit I really don’t know if I want to hang out with everyone,” I said low. I shrugged looking down at my shoes. Maybe it was nothing more than me feeling out of place. I never felt like I fit in anywhere.
“Kendall, come on.” Mason lifted my chin, his eyes concerned with my apprehension. He was always so confident in any crowd. “Let’s have some fun. How often do we get to do that?” He kissed my cheek.
I crossed my arms and decided to go along with it. I didn’t want to be the party pooper. I followed everyone inside.
The apartment was large and extravagant for a waitress’s salary. The hallways alone made me feel out of my element. Everything was so shiny and clean you could have eaten a meal on the sleek marble floors.
Renee tossed her purse on the island countertop in the kitchen. She grabbed several cans of beer from the refrigerator setting them down one by one on the counter with a loud bang, her mood continued to get even happier as she made her way through the apartment.
She drew the blinds revealing a huge window overlooking the streets of Virginia. She opened the beer in her hand and in one swift movement pulled her black heels off.
I stared out the window at the nightlife. I loved how the lights glistened like tiny diamonds against the black sky. Everything felt alive and it reminded me that no matter what I was still in a world of trouble.
“Here, this one is for you,” Renee said handing me a beer. She forced it into my hand before I could object and skipped off to the kitchen. Mason shot me a sympathetic look. He was already emerged in this new lifestyle busily drinking with Trent—Renee’s sidekick.
Star plucked away at the strings of an old guitar. Its peeling stickers from old seventies bands gave it that much more personality.
Everyone was busy doing something. They all moved and breathed like a strange machine.
“Come on, Kendall, my beautiful flower. Come sit with us,” Renee coaxed from the large red sectional. I took a seat trying to hold it together. Mason sat down beside me and rested his hand in my lap to give me some comfort. He knew this was hard for me.
Renee took another sip of her beer. She studied the room looking lost in a strange contemplation. “What time do you think he will be back?” she asked Trent.
Trent jumped up as the door opened. Star continued to pluck at the chords of her guitar never getting into a song. Renee jumped to her feet happy to see the guy that just arrived and came into the livingroom.
Mason and I immediately checked him out. He fidgeted with the pocket of his brown dickies, shuffling across the floor in his skater shoes. His head was shaved and he was
covered in tattoos.
“Guys this is Shifty,” Renee said wrapping an arm around him. He gave a small nod in our direction and his blues eyes lingered on me. He was clearly on something. It was obvious he was into partying.
Shifty didn’t sit well with me. I had met enough of Aunt Wanda’s friend to know someone was bad news when I saw them. Even if they meant no harm you could bet it would turn out that way. Some of the best people were also some of the worst. The ones that would bend over backwards for you were also the ones that would stab you in the back and there was a very simple reason for that—they had addictions. They had issues that took over their sense of right and wrong. I hated how much I knew about people.
And his name, Shifty, anyone with such a nickname earned it for probably a bad reason.
The night came alive once Shifty was there. Everyone gathered around Renee’s coffee table. All eyes glued to Shifty.
I watched him pull a bag from his shorts. He tossed it on the table. Renee squealed with delight clasping her hands together.
“Either of you ever do K?” Shifty asked, directing the question at Mason. Mason leaned forward dropping his elbows on the coffee table surveying the drugs.
“My cousin calls it Ket back in Jersey,” Mason said with a crooked grin.
He cut a fine line on the table with a credit card, shooting me a look as if I had something equally charming to add to the conversation. I pursed my lips.
“I’ve had my fair share of run ins,” Mason told him. He shrugged. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to fit in or brag. I also knew he didn’t lie all that often and I couldn’t see this being one of those times. I knew Mason was no angel.
Trent and Star waited patiently. I hadn’t pegged Star as a drug user, but maybe that was how she kept her calm demeanor all the time. Star gathered her hair in her hands and piled it on top of her head in a messy bun. She was ready, it was written all over her face.
“Well, since you’re the guest,” Shifty said, Renee handed over a rolled bill. Mason accepted it. Mason leaned forward. I closed my eyes at the sound of him inhaling the junk they were offering. It made me nervous.
I looked at Renee. She seemed happy that her new friend was willing to dabble in her recreational activities. Mason wiped at his nose and leaned back against the couch. Everyone looked at me now.
“Kendall, have you ever done K?” Shifty asked, searching my eyes for willingness. Mason grabbed my arm and nudged me forward. He wanted me to do it, they all did.
“No. I’ve never tried the stuff,” I said, my cheeks heated with stupid embarrassment. I should have been proud I never tried dangerous drugs before. But there I sat feeling like a moron.
I took a deep breath. What was the worst that could happen? My life was as bad as it could get.
Shifty drug a finger through the powder and offered it to Renee. She eagerly sucked and licked the powder from his finger. She smiled at me and offered me the same service—Shifty’s finger. I swallowed down the disgust, the thought of sucking on some strange guy’s finger was not my idea of a good time. But I forced my conscience off long enough to do the same thing Renee had done. I sat back, the bitter taste took over my senses. I felt more relaxed than ever before. Like I was sailing away from myself, I leaned back against the sofa accepting the tranquility in the moment while everyone around me seemed to be talking all at once.
Mason leaned against me, his body heavier than before. He rested his head on my shoulder. I didn’t know what was real, if Renee’s laughter was getting louder or if it was in my head. Or why suddenly I was obsessed with the ceiling and every detail of it.
Shifty seemed to materialize in front of me. He smiled watching me like I was some science project. I didn’t have the strength to swat him away. And I didn’t know if he was as close as he seemed.
“What are you doing?” I asked him, I pursed my lips afraid I said it too loudly.
“I’m watching you. Are you enjoying yourself?” he asked.
I nodded, loving the feel of my head as it moved up and down like a glorious structure. “What about you?” I asked, resting my head on the arm of the couch. Gravity was calling me. I swatted at the floor at what I thought were bugs—or lint.
I ran my hand across my forehead trying to shake the weird sensation out of my head. Why had I been stupid enough to do this?
“I’m more of a quick guy,” he grinned. “I like the fast shit. Meth is my best friend most days.”
I closed my eyes. And suddenly someone was pulling back into a sitting position. I opened my eyes looking for Mason. He was up and moving again. He looked at me with a disturbed expression. Everything was turning and spinning all around me and then darkness once again.
I could hear my heart beating like a tiny drummer in my chest. A crazed mad man just banging away.
“Kendall,” Mason said, shaking me back to reality. He slapped my face. I pushed him away from me and sat up. Shifty was sitting across from us, even he looked worried.
Renee crawled across Mason’s lap. I tried looking at her but my eyes weren’t cooperating with me. I watched her run her hands through Mason’s hair like he was some animal she was petting. And he wasn’t bothered by it. He was only focused on me and getting me to wake up and act right.
“Dude, here,” Trent said, it was like his voice fell from the heavens. He shoved a pipe in Mason’s face and Mason’s dropped me back against the couch and took a hit of whatever he was offering.
“Kendall is pretty hot, dude.” Someone said. My heart sped up and I kept my eyes closed swirling through this messed up world, waiting for it all to end.
“She’s beautiful, but I must say I’ve always had a thing for red heads,” Someone else said. This ignited a round of laughter.
“Been there,” Someone else said.
Hours later maybe I woke up shaking uncontrollably. The room was dark. I had no clue how much time really had pasted, but it seemed like a lot. I finally felt like myself again for the most part. Now I was just groggy and sick.
I stood up on shaky legs and fell into the wall. I fumbled for something to hold onto as I made my way through Renee’s dark apartment. I grabbed the first doorknob hoping it was a bathroom. I knew I was going to be sick and I didn’t want to puke all over Renee’s nice things.
“Mason?” I called out. “Renee?”
Silence was the only thing answering me. I guess that was to be expected after a night like tonight I thought to myself.
I pushed opened the door.
“Oh, whoa!” Renee squealed in shock covering her chest with her hands. Mason was behind her in a rather intimate position. He kissed her shoulder and kept moving not a care in the world.
“Where is the restroom. I think I am going to be sick.” I demanded. “Tell me now before I puke all over this place.” My stomach churned at the realization that Mason was having sex with Renee.
Shifty appeared in the hallway. Renee shot him an annoyed expression and he shut the door leaving Mason and Renee to finish what they started.
“Kendall are you ok?” Shifty asked. He tilted his head to the side. He barely could keep his eyes open he was so messed up. He walked me down the hall and opened a door to a bathroom. He flicked on the light and offered me entrance.
“Are you feeling sick?”
I nodded. I wondered how long it took him before he was a professional drug user. I wondered why everything I tried was such an epic fail.
“I suck at life,” I told him kneeling before the toilet. I looked at Shifty as he watched me from the doorway.
“Did you ever think life just sucks?” he asked.
I scrunched my nose. He was as loony as a cartoon.
“That makes no sense. Do you know what I have been through?” I asked.
Shifty studied me closely. “No I don’t. But you can tell me if you want, I’m a good listener.” He came into the bathroom. I waited for the puke, but nothing happened. It was an awful feeling. Drugs and I didn’t mix well I was
learning.
“I come from a messed up family. You wouldn’t believe the things I have seen,” I said letting out a sigh.
“Like?” Shifty pressed taking a seat on the floor by the bathtub. He twisted a light through his fingers listening to me talk.
“Let’s just say a lot of bad things. Things I could go away for, for a very long time.” I slid my hand across the floor and met up with the cool floor, enjoying the coolness against my cheek.
“I’m only telling you this because you do drugs. Your life has to be pretty screwed up to right?” I asked, letting out a hiccup.
Shifty laughed at me.
“Let’s get some air. Sometimes coming down can make you feel crazy,” he said helping me back up. I threw my arm around his shoulder and let him carry me.
“Mason is in there with Renee. I almost thought I loved him.” I rested my head against Shifty’s chest as he carried me out to the balcony.
I gasped as the cool air hit my skin. It was chilly for July.
I let go of him as soon as my back hit the soft cushion of the lounge chair. I stared up at the black sky.
“Mason is not himself right now. Don’t hold it against him,” Shifty assured me, lighting up a cigarette.
I nodded, maybe he was right. Who was I to judge?
My insides felt like jello. I wanted to puke. My skin was itchy.
“You’re a pretty girl,” he said, watching me from the railing. He held the cigarette so perfectly in his hand. His lips blew out a huge cloud of smoke.
“Thanks,” I said, accepting his compliment. He moved closer. My eyes were heavy and hardly able to focus anymore. The air was making me sleepy. Shifty crawled up the chair his body hovering over mine. I tried to keep my eyes open but it was so hard. I wondered what he could possibly want with me. I was half dead.
“It’s a nice night,” he said, pushing my hair away from my eyes. I turned away and rested my head in my palm.
“Kendall,” Shifty said softly, bringing me out of a sleep.
“What?” I grumbled. Shifty shook me awake, pulling my shirt up, he moved my arms and started dragging my pants down my body until they were resting beside me on the chair.
