Guilty Little Secret

by F M Land

  And Jade worked very hard at working it out. He spent less time at the apartment, giving Terry and me time to be alone, and he spent more time with Drew. He and Drew began to refinish a Regency dining table together. It was a large, heavy old table with intricately carved cabriole legs and one extra leaf. Jade estimated it would take five years for them to finish it.

  Things between Terry and me became more intense. It became more and more difficult to say good-by after an afternoon of making love. For the first time, Terry began to talk about leaving Drew.

  “I want you, babe,” Terry told me. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We need to get things into the open.”

  “No, no!” I responded. “No, we can’t hurt Drew. All the joy would go out of my love for you if we destroyed Drew.”

  “Fuck, Paul, it wouldn’t destroy Drew! Drew can take care of himself, believe me!”

  “No, I won’t let you do it.”

  Terry looked thoughtful for a moment, then began to kiss me relentlessly, forcing me to surrender my mouth, surrender my body. Terry’s orgasm was powerful. I was sure I felt it all the way up in the space around my heart. Terry collapsed on me, utterly shaken. “Oh, God, Paul! God!”

  I stroked his back and shoulders, whispering endearments into his ear.

  “Are you still sleeping with Jade?” Terry asked suddenly.

  “Yes,” was my soft reply.

  Terry sighed irritably. “You told me you’d stop.”

  “I know, but it means so much to him. Ter, he’s being so generous and cooperative about all this --”

  “Generous! You don’t belong to him!”

  “I know, but --”

  “Paul, I can’t sleep at night, knowing that you’re with him. I want you so much for me, babe. Can’t you see? That’s why I have to leave Drew --”

  It was my turn to interrupt. “No! You will not leave Drew! I will not let you. I’ll stop sleeping with Jade, if that will let you sleep better.”

  Jade, in his sweet way, put up with this new arrangement. He slept in his own room, while I slept alone in mine. His attitude, too, was great. He was not resentful, or reproachful, or even angry. He calmly adjusted to the new sleeping situation.

  “We’re really roommates now, aren’t we?” he remarked to me one evening when we returned home from a night of playing music.

  I hugged him and nodded, thankful for Jade’s cheerful companionship.

  “I’ve told Drew,” Jade added casually.

  “You what?” I could feel a prickle of fear creep up my spine.

  “I told Drew about our sleeping arrangement. I told him our relationship was on the rocks.” Jade poured himself a goblet of wine. He didn’t recork the bottle.

  Relieved, I watched as Jade gulped down some wine. “What did he say?”

  Jade brightened, thinking about Drew. “He’s really wonderful, you know? He is quiet, very calm, yet he feels everything. There’s a lot going on inside him.”

  “Yeh.”

  “He told me that I remind him of himself, when he was younger. Like how I came to New York, fresh out of high school to play music, just like him.”

  I snorted. “He was from Staten Island, not like the ends of the earth like you!”

  “Well, he moved in with a guy who was his lover. But, his lover became interested in someone else and dumped Drew.”

  “Does Drew think I’m interested in someone else?”

  Shrugging, Jade poured himself more wine. “I don’t think so. He hasn’t asked. But, anyway, Drew had to move into the other bedroom in their apartment, just like me. Drew told me that today. He really understands what I’m going through.”

  “Great. I’m glad.” I yawned and thought about heading for bed.

  “Yeh, he told me someone new would come along. Someone who will love me as much as I love him.” Jade gazed at me meaningfully.

  Shrugging, I moved toward my bedroom. “Hey, maybe you’ll be lucky like Drew and meet a rich French musician!”

  “Really funny, Paul!”

  In September, nearly three months after Jade and I began to live together, Jade’s parents came to visit. They arrived on Tuesday evening and planned to stay until Friday when they would drive up for Parents’ Weekend at their daughter’s college in Poughkeepsie. The day they arrived, Jade and I spent the morning rehearsing some new music with Jeff and Terry. We were getting close to releasing a first album. Then Jade disappeared to do some shopping while Terry and I spent the afternoon in my bedroom.

  It was after five when Jade came back to our apartment, juggling two large bags of groceries. I was just beginning to worry about him and was relieved to see him. I rushed across the room to help him with the groceries. Then I noticed Jade’s hair. It was shorter, not real short, but cut to expose his ears, and nicely layered. It was lighter, too, streaked with lemon blond. I stared at him, thinking how gorgeous Jade looked. I whistled my approval.

  Jade raised his eyes to mine and blushed.

  After that, I couldn’t take my eyes off Jade. I watched Jade as he cooked dinner, I watched him through the entire dinner with his parents. As we were getting ready for bed, in my bedroom since the Balecs were sleeping in Jade’s room, I smiled at Jade and remarked, “You look wonderful, Jade. I’m sure glad I get to sleep with you tonight, gorgeous!”

  Again Jade smiled his shy smile and blushed. Then we fell into bed together. I pulled Jade close, running my hands through his hair. We made love. Sweet, tender love. And, when it was over, we lay in each other’s arms and wept softly. I had a hard time believing that I could ever cut Jade off. I told Jade so.

  Jade snuggled closer to me in response.

  “I forgot how good it is to be with you, Jade.”

  Jade kissed me. He wiped the tears from his face with the back of his arm. He kissed me again.

  The next morning, Jade’s parents asked me to come along to the Botanical Gardens with them.

  I hesitated. “I don’t know,” I said uncertainly, thinking of my daily afternoon romp with Terry. Then Jade raised his eyes, round with hope, to mine, and suddenly I wanted to spend the day with Jade. I winked at Jade. “I have other plans,” I told the Balecs. “But I’ll cancel them.”

  The look on Jade’s face made my decision worth it. I crossed the room to him, kissed him lightly on the mouth, then picked up the phone. The instant I heard Terry’s voice, however, I regretted my decision. “Hi,” I said nervously. “I’ve decided to go along with the Balecs today. Can we get together tomorrow afternoon instead?”

  There was a long silence on the other end of the line. That meant that Drew was in the room with him, making it impossible for Terry to say what he wanted to. During that ponderous silence, I was overwhelmed with confusion. It seemed that no matter what I did, either Jade got hurt or Terry got hurt. I could feel Terry’s pain over the wire. I felt like crying.

  Finally Terry spoke. “Okay.”

  “See you tonight?” I asked, more than a bit nervously.

  “Yeh.”

  The sadness in Terry’s voice haunted me the whole day. Nonetheless, I enjoyed hanging out with Jade and his parents. In the car, I drove with my right hand on Jade’s thigh. I got hard when Jade smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

  As we were pulling into the garage to park for the night, Dizzy and Robbie drove in right behind us. I introduced my brother and my cousin to the Balecs, but Dizzy was more interested in Jade’s hat than the Balecs. It was a red baseball cap with “HOMO sapiens” printed on it.

  Jade tore off his hat and offered it to Dizzy. “Here,” he said to Dizzy, “I have another one just like it at home.” When Dizzy resisted, Jade repeated his offer, then pulled the cap down over Dizzy’s thick curly hair.

  Dizzy stood there, looking kind of foolish. He didn’t intimidate Jade in the least. I smiled at Jade with renewed appreciation. I slid my hand under Jade’s hair and squeezed the back of his neck. Fuck Dizzy. Pulling Jade’s face close to mine, I kissed him squarely on th
e mouth, right in front of Dizzy and Robbie. Jade poked his tongue into my mouth and pulled me close. I decided that Jade was good for me. And good for Dizzy, too.

  After dinner that evening, we went to Ziggy’s to play music. Jade’s parents came along to listen and were amused when our entrance into Ziggy’s was greeted by applause from the audience. Jeff and Terry, along with Drew, arrived a little later, and they received even louder cheers from the crowd. Drew, when he spotted Jade’s new haircut, smiled into Jade’s eyes as he tweaked a strand of Jade’s hair. Jade kissed him and introduced him to his parents. The Balecs were huge Blaise Morgon fans, which pleased Drew. They chatted like old friends.

  Dad and Maman showed up soon after that, drawing their own round of applause from Ziggy’s customers. Proudly, I watched my parents stroll across the club towards us. Maman, with her wool shawl wrapped closely around her upper body, her long cotton skirt, and her long curly hair worn loose like a young girl, tucked her hand into Dad’s. Dad, in jeans and a denim work shirt, his sleek dark hair pulled into a neat ponytail, smiled down at Maman. They were a stunning couple. Within minutes, they, too, were deep in conversation with Jade’s parents.

  The music was too loud for me to hear my parents’ conversation, so I settled back next to Jade, feeling quite content. Jade looked so good to me. I began to play with the hair that hung in pale wisps over Jade’s shoulder. In response, Jade slid his leg under mine, pressing against me with a firm insistence. We looked into each other’s eyes. I felt incredibly turned on.

  Suddenly Terry stood up and sauntered over to the bar where Jeff stood chatting with Brian and another man. I watched him, fully aware of what he was up to. Jade understood, too, what Terry was doing. He looked intently into my eyes. His message was obvious: Don’t go to him. Sighing with resignation, I knew what I must do. I kissed Jade’s cheek, a Judas kiss, and rose to join Terry.

  Actually I went to the men’s room first, so it wouldn’t be so obvious. But, I headed straight to Terry after that. I hugged Brian dutifully. Greeted his companion. Traded a few polite lines with Jeff. Then I turned to Terry, smiling.

  Terry didn’t return my smile. Instead he sniffed and looked at Jade. “You’re fucking him, aren’t you? You sleep with him, and you have to fuck him!”

  I didn’t know what to say. I gasped to show my exasperation. I was unnerved by Terry’s anger. “Don’t sweat it, man.”

  “Don’t sweat it, man,” Terry jeered. “Fuck!” He appeared to be struggling to pull himself together.

  “Come on, Ter! Don’t get bent out of shape over this!”

  Abruptly, Terry turned his back on me. He didn’t speak to me the rest of the night.

  The next evening, I drove the Balecs to my parents’ place in Valhalla for dinner. They were a bit put off by the armed guard who greeted us at the security gate, which opened onto the long drive that led to my parents’ house. Jade’s mother clucked her tongue and muttered something about guns. Jade’s father asked, “Are firearms really necessary here?” His parents were Quakers, Jade explained to me. I wasn’t sure what Quakers were, but I smiled at him reassuringly, knowingly.

  To my surprise, Terry and Drew were there as well. Terry still refused to speak to me directly. But no one seemed to notice, but me.

  Dad quickly warmed to one of his favorite subjects, his gardening. In excited tones, he described the layout of his gardens to the Balecs. Even Jade was tired of hearing about the Kosters’ fabulous gardens. He and I exchanged a long, amused look.

  “My parents,” I explained, “like to play in the dirt like peasants.”

  “Peasants!” Maman exclaimed.

  Drew laughed aloud. Terry scowled at me openly.

  “God!” Dad chortled. “I thought Dizzy was the snob of our family. Woman, you’ve given me snobs for sons!” He reached over and gathered Maman into his arms, pulling her onto his lap. They smiled at each other contentedly. I loved their private little smiles.

  Repeatedly throughout dinner, I tried to get Terry off by himself, to get him alone. As I led the Balecs out to my car after dinner, I decided to try once more. Excusing myself to retrieve something in the house, I left them in the car and rushed back into the house. I paused outside the kitchen door to eavesdrop on the conversation.

  Drew was speaking in French. “-- with Jade. He was the same way with Marshall. Only he’s worse with Jade. He can’t say anything good about him. He worries about his influence on Paul.”

  Dad clucked his tongue. “Jade’s a neat kid.”

  “Yes, I know. But Terry is too threatened by him to see it. He can’t stand for Paul to pay the least bit of attention to someone else. He admits it, too. He is talking about seeing a counselor again.”

  At that moment, Terry burst out of the hall bathroom. He spied me and moved toward me, holding out his arms. His face softened, his eyes filled with tears. “Paulie, what are you doing to us?” he asked.

  Behind Terry’s back, Drew and Dad stepped out of the kitchen into the hall. I tried to shake my head to warn Terry, but Terry didn’t catch on. Instead, tears rolling down his face and his arms outstretched, Terry continued to advance toward me.

  Exhaling slowly, I knew what I had to do. I pushed away Terry’s arms and yelled, summoning all the anger I could counterfeit, “Will you fucking leave me alone? Everything is all right!” I looked meaningfully into Terry’s eyes as I said this, hoping Terry would get my message. Then I turned and went back out to the car.

  That night Jade was an ardent lover, more ardent than I ever imagined that he could be. I merely went through the motions. A little of this, I lost it. A little of that, Jade lost it, too. Jade cooed and moaned and squealed. I lay there, thinking of Terry and the look on his face when I yelled at him. I wanted to be with Terry at that moment, not with Jade. I considered telling Jade that.

  Jade pulled me close. “This has been a wonderful week,” he breathed. “I don’t want it to end.”

  Shit. I just wanted time alone with Terry.

  “I’m thinking I won’t go upstate with my parents.”

  “Go,” I croaked.

  “Why? I want to stay with you. I don’t want to leave you.”

  “I’ll be right here,” I told him. “Your parents want you to come with them. Your sister is expecting you.”

  Jade kissed me lingeringly the next morning, reluctant to leave with his parents. But, as soon as Jade was out the door, I dialed Terry’s number. No answer. Then I tried calling my parents’ house, figuring that Terry and Drew spent the night there. Drew answered on the first ring.

  “Drew, can I speak to Terry, please?” I asked.

  Drew hesitated for a moment. “Paul, can I have him call you when he wakes up? He had a rough night last night. We didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

  “Sure. Thanks. Tell him I love him, okay?”

  I passed the day within arm’s reach of a telephone. I paced. I fretted. I turned the television on. I turned it off. I turned the stereo on. I turned it off. I picked up my guitar. I put it down. I thought about Terry constantly. I didn’t eat. I was too upset for that. I sipped a little ice water, but vomited it up a few minutes later.

  By late afternoon, I was one big case of nerves. I tried calling Drew’s apartment and, when no one answered, decided to drive to Valhalla. So, without telephoning first, I dashed to my parents’ to discover that Drew and Terry had left thirty minutes earlier.

  “Stay for dinner,” my father suggested.

  “You look tired, sweetheart,” my mother commented, fixing her worried eyes on mine. “Stay for dinner and spend the night. Jade’s not in the city. There’s no reason for you to go home tonight.”

  But I had only one objective in mind: to be with Terry. I thanked my parents and promised to return with Jade early the next week. Then I flew back to Manhattan, as fast as traffic on the 287 and the Deagan permitted. My mind was racing at a feverish pitch. I had to talk to Terry.

  I left my car at the garage and, instead of going to m
y own apartment, I headed for Drew and Terry’s place. At their door, I hesitated, trying to pull myself together to face Terry. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn’t extract a cigarette from the full pack that I had. I knocked. Then, remembering that I had a key, I fumbled in my pocket for my keychain.

  Before I could put the key in the lock, Terry opened the door. We stood eye to eye, gazing at each other. The look in Terry’s eyes frightened me.

  “No,” I whispered to Terry. “Don’t do it!” I tried to stick my foot in the path of the door, to stop it. But, I was too late. The door slammed shut in my face. I could hear the slide bolt being pushed.

  “Will you fucking leave me alone?” Terry called through the door.

  A sob caught in my throat. “Terry, Terry, come on. Open up. I want to talk to you.” I waited a moment or so for an answer. “Please, Terry, please?” I could hear Terry and Drew talking, but no one came to the door.

  Feeling foolish, tired of standing there in the hallway, with the old lady across the hall watching me through the peephole in her door, I stumbled home. I collapsed into bed and didn’t bother to get up until Jade came home two days later.

  Jade wept when he found me lying in my own vomit and filth. Coaxing me out of bed, he bathed me and shaved me. When he tried to get me to eat, I promptly puked up everything I swallowed. Jade looked worried, almost scared. He led me to his bed, since my bed was wrecked, tucked me in and held me in his arms all night. He didn’t ask me for any explanations, but he seemed to understand everything.

  “It’s all right, dear,” he murmured into my ear. “I’m here. I’ll take care of you.”

  Daniel (1985)

  As it turned out, I learned later from Terry, Jade did take care of me, very good care. In fact, according to Dizzy, Jade saved my life. By Monday night, I had gone for over three days without consuming anything. By Tuesday morning, I was delirious, not recognizing Jade, and insisting that Terry was in the room with me. By Tuesday evening, I was unresponsive.

  When he couldn’t awaken me, Jade started to panic. He tried to call Drew, but Terry hung up at the sound of Jade’s voice. Jade considered calling my parents. Then he thought of Dizzy. Dizzy, in his fourth year of medical school at Columbia. Dizzy was the obvious choice.