Crazy Ex-Ghoulfriend

by Angela Roquet

  I laughed. “And you thought you’d warm me up by reminding me of what a weirdo you are. Is that it?”

  “No, I just.” He blew out a frustrated sigh. “I’m not good at this. The point I was trying to make is that I’ve done a lot of stupid things trying to get your attention.”

  “You don’t say.” I frowned at him and glanced back at the cafeteria doors as they opened. A swarm of students filtered into the hallway. It was only a matter of time before someone like Amanda Hughes would notice me talking to Eddie and pass it along to the Ds.

  Eddie took my hand, drawing my attention back to him. “I’m done with the smoke and mirrors. I’m putting myself out here for real this time. I like you, Janie. A lot. I know it’s early, but I was afraid someone else would beat me to it. So I’m asking now. Will you be my date for prom?”

  My heart fluttered. I hadn’t seen the question coming, and I really hadn’t expected my reaction. Eddie’s dark eyes searched mine, but I was too far gone. I had to make it out of this mess I was in, and now he was just a bump in the road. Maybe he’d forgive me someday. Maybe I would even forgive myself, but it was doubtful.

  “I can’t,” I said softly, pulling my hand out of his. “It would ruin everything.”

  Eddie’s hopeful expression melted. He cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders. “Sure. I get it. Catch you around.” He turned and dodged the lunch crowd, taking the stairs up to the second floor.

  Denise was suddenly beside me. I hadn’t seen her come out of study hall. “Is that creeper still following you around?” She raised an eyebrow and looped her arm through mine. “Come on. Let’s go smoke with Danielle,” she said, tugging me towards the bathroom.

  Danielle had already lit a menthol cigarette by the time we joined her. She passed it to me first, earning a sour look from Denise. Danielle stuck her tongue out.

  Denise turned her nose up and pulled a fingernail file out of her purse. “Mrs. Walters is setting up the prom committee next week. I heard her talking about it to that crazy girl you used hang out with, Janie.”

  I cringed at the mention of Chloe, but I played along to save face. “Who?”

  Denise took the cigarette from me. “You know,” she sighed. “Lancelot’s girlfriend.”

  “Oh. Right.” I pulled myself up to sit on the counter next to Danielle. The spot was normally reserved for Denise, but I pretended not to notice her scowling. “I really hope we don’t end up with some lame theme, like eighties flashback or disco,” I said.

  Danielle stifled a laugh. “I told you disco was super lame.” Denise’s ears turned pink, and she flicked the lit cigarette at her. “Hey!” She swatted it into the sink.

  “Do you have a better idea?” Denise turned to me and placed both fists on her hips.

  I paused to feign deep thought for a moment. “We should do a masquerade ball theme. Like from that movie The Labyrinth. It was set in the eighties, so you could even have those big dorky sleeves if you want them so bad.” I gave her a vicious grin.

  “Ohhhh,” Danielle cooed. “That would be so much fun!”

  Denise shot her another disgusted look, and then rotated it to catch us both in the radiation of her foul mood swing. “I don’t know. That sounds pretty lame to me. Besides, I’m too pretty to wear a mask all night.”

  I snorted. “I was thinking it might be an improvement. Especially if you plan on pouting the whole time.” I hopped off the sink and left the bathroom before she could think of a comeback.

  The jab seemed a little extra callous, considering how chummy we had become lately. I guess it was in part due to my frazzled nerves over the conversation with Eddie. Of course, Danielle was still in my corner. The Ds would definitely be bickering about their split interests in me soon. It would be a new power play between them, but since I was the shiny new feature of Jasper High’s popular inner circle, Denise would have to relent. Besides, she wouldn’t want to risk upsetting me to the point that I would go on a date with Mitch Brown.

  I was beginning to see the how and why of their constant drama. It was exhausting, and yet somehow, oddly stimulating. Admitting that to myself made me feel like a bad person. Then I thought of Wayne, Eddie, and Chloe. I was a bad person. No. I was a good person, pretending to be a bad person, so that I wouldn’t be framed as an extra bad person, before getting the chance to be a good person again. I shook my head to uncross my eyes and went to class.

  Regrets

  Chapter 17

  For two whole weeks, I managed to blow off the Ds and make up excuses for why I hadn’t returned their calls or been able to go shopping with them. I was just mean enough to Denise and just nice enough to Danielle. The minor civil war I had sparked between them was also a good distraction. I even threw in a little flirting with Mitch to make sure Denise was extra busy entertaining him in her spare time.

  At home, things were slowly improving with my parents. I removed my makeup every day before my mom picked me up from school, and I hid the more racy clothing under hoodies and jeans. Since I didn’t have anything else to do, I helped out a lot more with casseroles and chores.

  I didn’t see too much of Matilda. She checked in with me most mornings for an update, but then she’d head back to the shed for the rest of the day. Her skin had taken on a more greenish tint lately. She seemed extra concerned and was adamant about using the remaining winter cold to preserve herself. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do with her if spring decided to come early.

  By Friday of the second week of my atonement, my parents gave me back my cell phone and internet cable. My charade of good behavior had worked, and since it was a rare thing for me to be in trouble anyway, I don’t think they felt that they needed to make a bigger point than they had with the two weeks.

  The first thing I did was call Danielle. She wasn’t the first person I had thought of. My initial instinct was to call Chloe, especially after my phone was charged and I saw the twelve texts she had left for me over the past two weeks.

  The messages reeked of remorse and panic. Then they sank into depression and acceptance. Chloe had flown through the whole spectrum, while I had been utterly unaware. She probably thought I was a cold-hearted bitch by this point. I would have ignored her anyway, to save face with the Ds, but it would have been so much more difficult if I had known how badly she was suffering. I guess having my phone privileges revoked had served some purpose after all.

  Danielle was getting ready for a party at Lovers Playground. She was tickled that I’d actually called her, but she also informed me that Denise was out for blood. My little act had finally run its course. If I didn’t show at the party, the plan was to run my prom theme idea into the ground with the rest of the student body... and then egg my house. The time for action was now, and just when I’d gotten myself back into my parents’ good graces.

  For the first time in my entire life, I planned to sneak out of the house. Danielle said she’d pick me up at ten. I didn’t even bother to tell Matilda, since she was already bunkered down in the shed for the evening. I waited until just after nine, when my parents said goodnight as they passed by my room on the way to their own, before I set to work.

  I didn’t have the first clue about how to pull off a stunt of this magnitude. A single wrong move would mean total ruin. I emptied the school supplies out of my former Dr. Who bag and packed my baby oil makeup removal kit. Then I packed my Dr. Who pajamas. The plan was to look like I had just come downstairs for a drink of water if my parents happened to wake up when I returned from the party. Whenever that would be.

  I also packed a bottle of mouthwash and one of Matilda’s half empty cans of Febreze. When I finished packing, I stuffed a bunch of clothes under my comforter and tried to fashion it into a believable lump. It always seemed so stupid to me when the kids in movies used their pillows, like their parents were brainless enough to not notice them missing from the head of the bed. I felt moderately more intelligent for thinking to use clothes instead.

 
It would be dark at Lovers Playground, so I didn’t go overboard with the makeup. It would be easier to remove if I didn’t cake on so much. I settled on mascara, eyeliner, and lip gloss. I kept the clothes minimal too, opting for tights that my pajama bottoms could easily slide over and the green tunic blouse that I’d argued with Matilda about. I slipped my jean jacket on over it all. I could always throw it over the back of a kitchen chair when I came home.

  Around nine-thirty, I heard my parents click off their bedroom light and settle in for the evening. The hum of their television drifted down the hall, but it wasn’t long before I heard my dad’s snoring cancel it out. My mom would have her earplugs in by now.

  I left my bedroom door slightly cracked open when I left. Closing it just seemed too obvious. I never closed my door all the way. I tiptoed downstairs, turned off the back porch light, and slipped out the backdoor, leaving it unlocked behind me.

  Officer Russell’s squad car was gone from the driveway next door. I glanced up at Wayne’s bedroom window, but his light was out. I had asked Danielle to pick me up along the side street next to my block, so I snuck through my backyard, mindfully bypassing the shed, and slipped out the back gate and into the alley.

  Danielle was waiting for me as I emerged from the long tunnel of privacy fences. Her bug was nice and toasty. I leaned into the heating vents and warmed my numb fingers.

  Danielle tossed me a diet soda bottle. “I thought we could get the party started early,” she said.

  I opened the bottle and sniffed the contents before taking a drink. There was most definitely something mixed in there, I noted as I gagged and handed the bottle back.

  Danielle giggled. “It’s half and half, Janie. No need to guzzle.”

  “Half and half of what?”

  “Vodka. I swiped one of the bottles from my mom’s minibar.” She took a drink and tossed it back to me before pulling out of Sagewood subdivision.

  The drive to the playground was a short one, a mile at most. The ravine where the creek ran through was bordered by the playground on one side and a stretch of woods on the other. The main road that ran along the opposite side of the woods backed up to my neighborhood.

  Danielle parked in a little clearing that had been overgrown by weeds and brush long ago. I saw Mitch’s truck and Denise’s convertible, as well as half a dozen other vehicles. There was a faint glow coming up from the depths of the creek. Someone had started a small bonfire. A radio crooned out classic rock tunes, and I heard Denise’s villainous giggle echo out through the trees.

  My heart felt like a pinball in my chest. I needed to be casual and bored. It was crucial that I pull this off with style, but my nerves were slowly tightening around my stomach and making me wonder if the vodka was going to come up prematurely. I was going to have to take it slow on the alcohol. I wasn’t a pro like the rest of these bad apples.

  Danielle locked up the bug and started down a path through the brush. “Come on,” she whispered, waving me along.

  I followed, unable to see my feet in the darkness. I focused instead on Danielle’s blond hair, reflecting softly in the dim light. By the time we made it to the rock path that led down the side of the ravine, I could make out most of what Denise was saying.

  “She’s not going to show. She’s a total poser. Seriously. It takes more than mascara and cute shoes to be this awesome. She definitely doesn’t have what it takes, and can you believe she thought that we should do some lame masquerade theme for prom?”

  The vodka boiled in my stomach. More and more eyes glanced up to greet us as we descended down the path and came to stand just a few short feet behind Denise. When half of her audience was no longer focused on her, Denise finally huffed and turned her head to see what had stolen everyone’s attention away.

  I took the bottle of toxic soda from Danielle and took another swig before lazily waving my hand. “Please, don’t let us interrupt. I’m sure this is the part where you tell everyone about the brilliant and original disco theme you had in mind.” I rolled my eyes.

  A few snorts and chuckles bubbled up from the crowd. Even in the pale light of the bonfire, I could see Denise’s face crumple in distress. She shot Danielle a look full of malice and blame, but Danielle only shrugged and followed me as I went to greet Mitch on the other side of the fire.

  “Hey, handsome,” I said loudly enough for Denise to hear. It was a pretty harsh stab at her, but her little anti-Janie speech and the vodka made it seem like a splendid idea.

  Mitch was all smiles. He wrapped both arms around my shoulders and pulled me in for a tight squeeze. “I was wondering when you were going to find time to come play with us.”

  My skin crawled, but I did my best not to shy away from him. I could be friendly and not let him take things too far, couldn’t I? I just needed to prove a point with Denise. After that, I could distance myself from Mitch and maybe even slip away from the party early. It wouldn’t be that far of a walk home. Besides, I really didn’t want to get back in Danielle’s car, I realized as I watched her down the rest of the nasty vodka mix. She tossed the empty bottle in the fire and dug a can of beer out of Mitch’s cooler.

  Mitch left one arm draped over my shoulder as he rambled on to a few other jocks about how disappointing the Super Bowl had been last year. I hadn’t watched it, but I nodded in agreement when he glanced down at me. Denise fumed and glared at us through the fire. The alcohol fizzled in my stomach. It made me nauseous and brave, all in one swing. I flashed a daring smile and waved my fingertips at her.

  Danielle made herself comfortable on a log and proceeded to get hammered. She grinned back at forth between the two of us, and I vaguely wondered if she was smarter than she let on. It felt as though the civil war I had started between the two of them was now suddenly between me and Denise. This was all wrong.

  Mitch finally got tired of blabbering about football and leaned over to smell the top of my head. “You smell like strawberries,” he slurred. “I’m gonna grab another beer. You want one?”

  “Sure.” I smiled sweetly. “I think Danielle needs one too. You might check on her. She didn’t look so good a minute ago.”

  Just as expected, Mitch’s hero complex kicked in, and he went to shower Danielle with his manliness. I took the opportunity to slip around the fire and stand next to Denise.

  “What did you put him up to?” she snapped.

  “Hmmm? Who, Mitch?” I blinked at her.

  “Don’t play stupid with me, Janie. I made you, and I can break you.”

  “Made me? Made me?” I laughed sharply, sending her back a step. “That’s a riot. Thanks. I needed a good laugh.”

  Denise folded her arms. “What do you want?”

  “Let’s start with what I don’t want. I don’t want to look ridiculous in my prom pictures. I don’t want some stupid theme that is beyond overdone. I want a masquerade theme so that I can sneak my college boyfriend in under the radar, and if I can’t sneak him in... well then, I guess I’ll just have to find another date. I think Mitch is still available.” I raised an eyebrow at her.

  Denise chewed at her bottom lip and then swallowed. “Fine. I’ll get onboard with the masquerade theme, just as long as you don’t go with Mitch.”

  “Deal.” I smiled at her, a little less viciously this time. “You might have to work something else out with Danielle though,” I said, glancing over the fire to where Mitch was knelt down in front of her, pressing one of his meaty hands to her forehead.

  Denise gritted her teeth and stormed off to intercept. Intercept was a fun word. I was actually impressed that Mitch had used it while talking about the Super Bowl. I had a feeling that if ESPN used more big words, Mitch wouldn’t be struggling to graduate on time.

  I had pretty much achieved everything I set out to do at the party, and it wasn’t even midnight yet. I yawned and went to put the last beer Mitch had handed me back in his cooler. I could still feel the vodka burning in my stomach, but my head was still on straight. I wanted to kee
p it that way. I also wanted to go home, especially when the howl of sirens seared through the cold night.

  Red and blue lights flashed through the trees, and a booming voice blared over a loudspeaker, “This is the police. Stay where you are.”

  Everyone scattered. No one was brave enough to venture back up the rock path where the cops were waiting. It was probably for the best, since running back to the vehicles would give away the hidden parking spot too. Instead, everyone crawled up the muddy bank on the side that led into the woods. Everyone, except Danielle.

  Mitch had abandoned her. He and the rest of the football jocks were climbing a tree root up the bank. Denise looked like she was ready to follow, but I grabbed her hand. “Help me with Danielle. Quick.”

  Denise snarled at me, but she followed my lead, and we each took one of Danielle’s arms and pulled her to her feet. I stumbled further away from the light of the fire and into a shallow bit of creek that cut back and around to a little carved out dip in the muddy ravine wall. It was shallower than the bank everyone else was trying to climb. It was also hidden from the cops’ line of sight.

  My heart jumped as I heard Officer Russell barking orders out to the other officers. The Ds and I slipped and we fell into the icy water. It was enough to sober up Danielle. She gasped and choked on a mouthful of cold creek water.

  “Did you hear that?” one of the cops shouted. “Over here!”

  We clawed our way through the mud and up the bank, before swiftly rolling into the brush that lined the woods. A second later, a flashlight beam sliced through the darkness and flickered over where we had just been standing. I closed my eyes, praying that we wouldn’t be spotted.

  “They’re gone. Did you get any over there?” the cop asked, trudging back through the creek towards the fire.

  “No,” Officer Russell grumbled. “One of them looked like my neighbor though. I’m taking off early tonight, Jimmy. I need to make a house call.”