V.

by Emily N. Kay

  I used to think I will never stop loving her, that I will always want her.

  I was wrong.

  I have felt a lot of things for this girl—a whirlwind of emotions—but it has never come close to hatred. Not even close.

  I have loved V for as long as I can remember. That’s all I’ve felt for her. But it’s only now that I know deep in my bones…

  I hate her.

  But more than that, I fucking hate myself. For loving her when she never gives a shit about me.

  How could I have been so stupid? Waiting around for this girl, who brings me nothing but pain. Hoping… that one day she will realise she loves me too and only wants to be with me.

  Well, she has made it abundantly clear that she’ll choose that asshole Kyle over me any day. Oh, and apparently, I disgust her.

  I don’t even remember how I’ve made it into my bedroom. All I know is that, all the way back home, a swirl of emotions is rushing through me—in and out, in and out. I can’t process them all, but shock was definitely one of them. And after that came panic. I couldn’t steady my breath. And when that passed, I was in a deep state of heartache. And now that that feeling is starting to fade away too, I feel rage. A full-blown sense of resentment that crashes through me like a punch to the gut.

  I am fuming.

  I hate her. So fucking much.

  She never cares about me. The only reason she “saved” me that night was because she needed a “brother.” Not a step-brother. Oh, no… she hates it when I say that! I’m supposed to be this perfect brother for her. My sole reason to live is to fulfill her unfulfilled needs for a full household. Well, that’s before she met Kyle fucking Rogers though… Because there’s no need for me after that guy. Why do I matter, right? When she finally has a boyfriend. No matter how much of a jerk he is.

  Fuck. This makes perfect sense now… All she cares about is herself. Never about me.

  She’s nothing more than a liar who will do anything and say anything to get what she wants.

  It’s as if there is an invisible switch inside me. Let’s call it the “V switch.” It has always been on. For her. And it’s the type of lever where you’ll need a single hard pull to completely switch it off.

  Throughout the years with her, she’s been stomping down the lever, little by little, without me realising. For all the times that she had hurt my feelings, taken me for granted, brought my hopes up and crushed them down in seconds. Those were mere nudges. The lever might have gone down half-way, but not all the way. What happened today, though, was the last pull…

  And now that the V switch is completely off, so is my reason to live.

  I tear a blank piece of paper from my homework book. With a shaking hand I pick up a pen, and I write.

  Chapter 19

  Violet

  Violet can see a glimpse of light inside the curtained windows. Josh is already back, Violet concludes, her hands trembling with anxiety.

  She doesn’t lead herself upstairs right away. She needs some time to prepare on what she will say to Josh. After a few minutes, she finds herself chickening out.

  Maybe it’s better for them to not speak at all tonight.

  It’s been a really hard day, and she is not sure if she should wait until tomorrow morning, when both of them are more calm and in a better mood.

  But then, she is not sure if she’ll be able to sleep tonight if she doesn’t clear the air with Josh first.

  With conflicting thoughts in mind, Violet decides she will just get it over with. She’ll talk to him now. Things need to resolve tonight so that she will get a good sleep and everything will be all better tomorrow.

  The door to Josh’s bedroom is left ajar.

  Violet frowns slightly. Josh never leaves his door unlocked before. He explained to her it’s because he feels safer—after all that happened with his father—to not have someone barging in while he’s not on guard.

  Maybe it’s his way of inviting her in? Because he wants to reconcile with her as much as she does. With that thought, her heart bursts with hope.

  She lets herself inside the room. But Josh isn’t there.

  She makes her way towards the bathroom, and she has to be more surprised when she finds the bathroom door ajar as well, just a tiny bit. And yet, she can’t hear a shower or any water running.

  Is Josh not here then?

  Not wanting to walk in on him, just in case, she turns her head away from the opened door. “Josh,” she calls.

  No response.

  “We need to talk. I think—I don’t want to leave it until tomorrow. I can’t. I mean, we—need to sort this out,” she rambles.

  Still no sound from the bathroom.

  Fear starts to blossom inside her chest. No, of course it’s not what she thinks. He wouldn’t…

  Louder this time, she shouts, “Josh, are you in there?”

  Dead silence.

  With growing panic, Violet pushes the door open.

  “Josh, what are you—” She stops mid-sentence as she takes in the scene in front of her.

  A scream escapes her gaping mouth. It goes on and on and she doesn’t know when to stop.

  Josh is in the bathtub, his body submerged in red, still water. He’s still in his clothes. His face and lips are white-pale, his eyes closed. His left arm is hanging out the tub, blood trailing down the slit he made with her dad’s shaving razor. The damn razor that almost killed Josh five years ago—it is now on the floor with Josh’s blood covered in it.

  Violet stands frozen. She’s finally able to stop screaming. Her throat feels raw and scratchy.

  “No, no no no no,” she frantically says. “You can’t do this. You can’t… Fuck!”

  When she finally gains back some of her consciousness, she picks up her phone and dials 000.

  A man picks up. “Triple Zero, what’s your emergency.”

  Violet takes a deep breath, pulls herself together and says, “H-help. My brother—he…” She pauses.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m gonna need you to explain the situation clearly.”

  She lets out a repressed sob. “He… he’s in the bathtub right now, and… it’s filled with his blood. Oh God… He slit his wrists and I don’t… I don’t think he’s breathing.” Right after she said that, she lets out a strangled cry.

  “Okay, I understand,” the man says, his voice all calm and collected.

  Violet can’t understand how this man can remain calm when she just told him Josh is not breathing!

  “Are you absolutely sure he’s not breathing?” the man asks. “Can you please go over and check his pulse for me? I know this is extremely hard for you, but we really need to assess the situation so that we can send help accordingly.”

  Violet shrieks, “Are you crazy! His wrist his all messed up and you’re asking me to—”

  There’s a sigh on the other end. “It’s all right, ma’am. Please tell me your address and we’ll send an ambulance right away.”

  She tells him the address, and when she ends the call, she draws a shuddering breath.

  Check his pulse?

  How would she even do that! She can’t even move her feet. She doesn’t even dare to look at the body in the tub. The body that belongs to Josh. Her brother. Her sweet Josh…

  Josh is dead, a voice rings in her head.

  She shakes her head, unable to believe it. It still doesn’t feel real to her. Because how could that be? How could Josh be dead? He was just here with her… hours ago. She can still feel his lips on her, for God’s sake! He can’t just… be gone!

  “Josh is dead,” she whispered to herself, just for the sake of saying it—so that it will finally feel more real to her. “Josh is dead,” she repeats, and she repeats it over and over again. Still… Not real. Josh can’t be gone.

  She squeezes her eyes shut, tears running down her face. “Please wake up,” she pleads, so quietly it’s almost a whisper. “Josh, please…”

  Violet wishes more than anything for
this to be a dream. Her worst nightmare. When she wakes up, she promises herself to be good to Josh. She won’t be mad at him any more. She won’t force him to go to Sydne if that’s not what he wants. She’ll get him help. She’ll do anything, just so that he’ll be here again.

  Here… It sounds strange in her mind.

  He’s not here any more. He’s lying there—in front of her—but he’s not here.

  It is becoming more real to her now… Like a slap in the face. A literal reality hits. The fact that Josh is dead and she is still here—all alone.

  Alone with her thoughts for what feels like an eternity, Violet makes herself look again.

  And for a split second, it’s almost as if Josh’s eyelids flutter. But of course, she’s wrong. When she focuses on him again, he is as still as the water he is covered in. She’s just seeing things, she decides. Her mind is too foggy to be able to see things clearly any more.

  Violet’s gaze shifts to something on the floor. Next to the razor, a white, half-folded paper is lying there where she couldn’t see before. It is untouched by his blood, which is surprising because the blood seems to be overflowing, and the metal smell is starting to make Violet feel lightheaded.

  Feeling all weak and exhausted, she goes down on her knees and picks up the paper with a trembling hand.

  To Violet, the first sentence reads. It is a letter to her, hand-written by Josh.

  Her eyes move through the letter. When she makes it to the end, she is gasping for air, her breath caught in her throat. She cries and cries until her eyes are so dry it hurts to blink.

  Just then, the siren is sounding from outside her house.

  She forces her legs to stand and walks out the room with the intent to hide the letter where no one can find it. Whoever is coming—either the police or the ambulance—they can’t see this letter.

  Josh is dead because of her.

  And this letter is proof.

  Chapter 20

  3 Months Later

  Today is Violet’s third session with Karen, who is also Meg’s therapist. All Karen did in the last two sessions was trying to get Violet to “open up.” Which means, the sessions were filled with “I don’t know what to say” from Violet and “Why don’t you take your time” from her therapist.

  The sessions accomplished nothing and Violet thinks it’s just wasting everyone’s time and money. But for the sake of her parents’ peace of mind, she needs to continue seeing Karen.

  Karen graduated from University of Melbourne with a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. Violet has always thought that someone with that kind of profile should look super polished and uptight—someone who would nod and jot down notes while in session, getting down to business into finding what is wrong with the person, ready to give them a label whether it be bipolar or depression or whatever.

  Violet thought that every therapist is like that. But surprisingly, Karen is more like an elementary school teacher who would bring her students candies for answering her questions than a licensed therapist.

  “Hello, Violet. Come on it,” Karen greets her at the door with a big, bright smile, her hot-pink frame glasses resting on her bright red head.

  Karen lives in a small unit inside a shared house. In contrast to her personality, the house is so drab and plain, as though she doesn’t plan on living here long-term. But according to Meg, Karen has been living and working here for almost a decade already.

  Meg still sees Karen on a regular basis. She needs to, Violet figures, especially after what happened with Josh. Meg is still shaken up by the whole thing. She doesn’t speak a word for the whole week after she got back from Thailand. Violet’s dad was the one arranging the funeral since Meg coudln’t even look at the coffin, let alone go near it.

  Although Meg doesn’t say it out loud, Violet can tell she is blaming herself—because that’s what all parents do—they blame themselves for every possible thing that happens to their kids.

  No one blames Violet. Even when she was the one who found him dead in the bathroom. Even when she was the one throwing that party—the event prior to his death that was most likely a trigger. They still believe it’s not her fault, and they keep telling her so.

  But they don’t know everything. They don’t know that she lied to their faces about not knowing what’s going with Josh. She pretended to be as puzzled as everyone as to why Josh would do such a thing. She lied that she never saw it coming.

  Or maybe they choose not to point fingers at her because—seeing how vulnerable she is—they don’t want to deal with her killing herself too…

  Her dad told her, in an attempt to ease her mind, “People snap, V. There’s nothing we can do about that. No signs. No anything. How could we have known? If we could, then we could’ve prevented it… We could’ve helped him somehow.” As he said that, he was sobbing. And Violet realised then: Dad blames himself too. And that hurts her more than she would have thought possible. Because she could have helped… She could have prevented all of it. But she was being a self-absorbed brat who didn’t care about Josh’s feelings as much as she should. And now he’s dead…

  And Meg, she looks at Violet with so much love that it makes Violet want to die. With Josh gone, Violet becomes her only child. Meg keeps on saying it’s her fault, and sometimes she blames Josh’s father too. But mostly, she blames herself for not being able to bring Josh out of his father’s abusive hands fast enough.

  Violet had pleaded Meg to stop blaming herself, telling her that it’s not anyone’s fault, and definitely not Meg’s fault at all. But of course, Violet doesn’t have the guts to say more than that. She’s being a coward and she knows it. But what she can’t accept is people finding out the truth…

  Violet is to blame, period. For all of it. But she can’t lose Meg too. And her dad… He will be so disappointed in her if he knows. The letter is kept well-hidden under her mattress, inside a locked, metal container her mom gave her when she was little. No one will find it as long as she lives.

  Once in a while, when Violet missed Josh so much she couldn’t bear it, she took out the box, unlocked it, and read the letter over and over until it reminded her how horrible of a person she is—how it was all her fault.

  After Karen finishes with her small talks and all the bullshit pleasantries, she gets into the hard questions.

  “How are you feeling right now, Violet,” she asks with a kind smile on her glossy lips.

  Violet clears her throat. “I’m okay.”

  Karen makes a hmm sound before saying, “You know, we haven’t made much progress on our previous sessions. Do you have any idea why that might be?”

  Violet shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t even know why I need to be here.”

  “You’re here because you have experienced an extremely… difficult situation. A horrible loss of your loved one. It can be traumatising for anyone. Anyone, Violet, can be affected. Even someone as strong as you.”

  “No, Karen,” she says flatly. “I’m here because my dad wants me here.”

  Karen smiles faintly. “Your father is worried about you. I mean, I would be too, if you’re my daughter.” She shifts slightly in her beige sofa. “He said that…” She pauses, looking unsure herself. “You didn’t cry at all? Even at the funeral, and—”

  “Wow. So my dad sent me here because I didn’t cry in front of him?” Violet scoffs. “Besides, you should know better than anyone that not everyone deals with grief the same way. Some people cry. Some people just… keep it to themselves. Just because I didn’t cry doesn’t mean I don’t… doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything. And I did cry! When I found him… And I guess… maybe I’ve used up all my tears.”

  Violet glares at the therapist, who is now blinking with surprise, as if she’s just now having a breakthrough. It’s almost like Violet can hear her thinking, great, she’s starting to open up!

  “I totally understand that, Violet. But you know, it’s just good to be able to let out your emotions. In a healthy way. And rig
ht now I feel like you’re holding something back,” says Karen, like it’s a question. “Do you have anything you want to tell me? Remember, this is a safe space. You can tell me anything. I won’t pass judgement, and everything you say will stay between us.”

  She meets Karen’s soft gaze. There is something in Karen’s eyes that almost makes Violet want to trust her. She quickly lowers her gaze. She has to give Karen something, so that she won’t spill everything to her.

  “I just… I guess I don’t know how to handle it yet. This whole… thing,” says Violet with a sigh. “It’s been hard without Josh. It’s been really, really hard.”

  Karen nods. “I understand. Thank you for telling me that.” She smiles. “Now, can you describe your relationship with Josh? How was it before.”

  Violet swallows back the bile. Thinking about Josh makes her feel sick, and everyone around her seems to want her to think about him all the time.

  “Take your time,” says Karen.

  “Josh was the best brother,” she finally says, wistfully.

  She can’t help but break into a smile as she’s thinking back to when they were younger and everything was simple then. They were thrown into living together, and they became the best of friends. It’s a beautiful, simple story. Innocent.

  She continues, “He’s always there for me when I needed him, and… I wish I could’ve been there for him too, you know, in return.”

  “How so?”

  Violet pauses and stares at her trembling hands. “I could’ve… shown him that I appreciate him.” She licks her bottom lip. And without knowing it, she’s crying.

  Karen’s brow lifts a little, and she hands Violet a tissue box.

  “Thanks.” Violet takes one and wipes her wet face.

  “You can continue when you’re ready.”

  “Right. Um… What was I saying?” She gives an embarrassed laugh.

  “You were saying how you could’ve shown him your appreciation. What do you mean by that?”

  She sniffles. “Well, for one, I could’ve been less of a bitch to him.”