Aggro: An Emotional Forbidden Romance

by CoraLee June

  “Shouldn’t what?” Kai asked.

  “You shouldn’t kiss me,” I rasped. The gritty sand rubbed against my skin in tandem to his soft lips. I arched my back and bucked beneath him, feeling desperate for more while trying to push him away. I felt confused as fuck. I didn’t know how we could do this. But, damn, he felt so good. “Kai,” I moaned, pleading with him.

  Kai leaned over me and kissed my jaw before moving to the sensitive skin beneath my ear. I could feel him growing harder. Fuck.

  Violet. I couldn’t do this to Violet.

  “Kai, please stop,” I whispered, pushing the lust out of my system. “You dated Violet.”

  My words were like dumping a bucket of ice on the moment. Kai stopped roaming my body with his lips but didn’t get off of me. “And Violet got pregnant by another dude. And lied to both of us. And she’s dead.”

  The blunt nature of his words made me pause. I wasn’t expecting to be slapped in the face with his reality. “Is this some fucked up way of getting back at her? She cheated on you, so you want to hook up with her best friend?” I asked before jerking out of his hold and shoving his chest. He let me push him off of me, and I stood up.

  “Of course not,” Kai gritted. “What kind of person do you think I am?”

  I shook my head and tried not to cry. I was still too raw. I wanted to give in, to touch and explore. Kai was devious and delicious. Caring. Compassionate. I never expected to find a safe place to land in Violet’s volatile boyfriend. We were friendly before, but this entire experience bonded us in a way I was irrevocably thankful for. But it didn’t change the guilt I felt. It didn’t change the fact that Violet’s murderer was still out there. It didn’t change the fact that my loyalty was to her.

  “It’s just too soon,” I whispered. “And I feel terrible for wanting you, Kai.”

  “But it’s okay to want Chase?” Kai shot back. I scowled at him.

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  Kai stood up and brushed dried sand off of his torso. “I’m just saying, I guess you want the fairy tale ending, right? It’s more appropriate to end up with her brother. You both can get married. Have a little girl and name her after Violet. Live happily ever after in that big, empty mansion.”

  I threw my hands up. “Whoa. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about,” I yelled. Our voices were angry, growing louder with every punishing word. “Chase and I are…” I didn’t know how to finish that statement. He’d kissed me. But it wasn’t right. None of this was right. Usually, I would have talked through this with Violet. I needed some sort of direction.

  “Chase is just another version of Violet. Destructive codependency wrapped up in a pretty package.”

  I couldn’t believe that he’d said that. “That’s not fair,” I spat. “Chase and I both lost Violet. You don’t get to tell me how to grieve. You don’t get to tell me who to care for.”

  Kai heaved in air while staring at me. I hated this. I wanted to go back to when we were just lying in the sand without a care in the world. “Do you want to know when I started falling for you, Breeze?” Kai asked, his voice softer now. I didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure if I did. “You came to one of my surfing competitions with Vi. Do you remember the Charging into Christmas competition four months ago?”

  “Yeah? What about it?” I replied.

  “Violet showed up with her hair perfectly straightened. Her makeup caked on. She wore a tight little dress with a bikini that her breasts were spilling out of.”

  I remembered that day. She kept telling me how she wanted to look good for Kai. They’d been fighting about something stupid, and she planned to make it up to him with a good blow job after the competition. Dad’s shop was one of the sponsors, so I was running around. Bringing lunch to the judges. Passing out flyers.

  “I remember that day,” I replied.

  “Violet was sunbathing, wearing sunglasses and lying on the sand. She did the normal girlfriend bullshit. She waved and cheered. But what did you do?”

  I swallowed. At the time, I hadn’t thought anything of it. “I got you a fresh block of wax,” I whispered. Kai had mentioned that his favorite surfer, Kelly Slater, started each event with a fresh block of wax and refused to use another one until it was over. It was a superstition of sorts.

  “You handed it to me and jokingly called me Kelly. Wished me good luck before running to help your father hand out more flyers. Your hair was wild. You wore old cutoffs and a stained surf shop tee. You had cherry lips from the snow cone you’d indulged in on your fifteen-minute break. It was thoughtful. I never saw a girl look as beautiful as you.”

  My eyes began to water. “Kai,” I whispered.

  “And then Violet got irritated because you asked her to help,” Kai continued. “Then, she made a comment about how you’d get more business if you tried harder with your appearance. Do you remember that, Breeze?” I swallowed. I did remember. But Violet was always joking about that. She just didn’t want to work on her day off…right?

  “I know you feel wrong about this. I’ve had my time to wrestle with guilt. I knew my feelings for you a while ago. I’m going to be patient, and I’m sorry for pressuring you. I have zero expectations for how you feel about me. I just wanted to speak my truth. But I want you to see how fucked up this whole situation is. Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean she’s a saint now. You can miss Violet, but don’t lie to yourself. She loved you, Breeze, but she wasn’t a good friend to you. Not always. Especially not in the end. And if you let him, Chase will walk all over you, too.”

  I didn’t like hearing the words out loud. It was like Kai saw into my thoughts and vocalized what I would rather push down. The more I learned about Violet, the more it became clear that I didn’t really know her. This journey brought about an unraveling of not only our friendship, but who she was as a person. Maybe Violet wasn’t the hero I always made her out to be. Now with Chase spiraling out of control, I was beginning to wonder if I even knew who he was either.

  Kai’s words stuck with me. I decided to walk home to try and process everything I was feeling about Violet and Chase. And Kai. I knew he was right. In the end, Violet wasn’t always a good friend to me. I just didn’t know it at the time because she was so good at hiding it. Like the current, her vibrant personality swept everyone in toward her. Being around Violet was a rush, and she made you feel so important that some of the more negative parts of her personality got overlooked.

  I was trying to reconcile in my mind the Violet I once knew, and what I knew now. The lying. The cheating. The backhanded comments. The secrecy. The fighting with Kai. The selfishness at work. When a person first dies, you build them up as a saint in your mind, but as time passes, you learn that they were just as human as the rest of us. The only difference was, I idolized Violet well before her death.

  I also couldn’t help but let my thoughts go back to the surf competition. Hearing Kai talk about me like that made me smile, and I wanted to savor his version of the memory. I absolutely remembered that day, and I couldn’t believe that’s what made Kai notice me. I was running around like crazy, trying to generate business for the surf shop. That surf competition was huge, and we were the only shop within a mile of that part of the beach. I had some wax with me to sell, but I was also making sure that the surfers knew the shop was so close.

  It was a surprisingly hot, humid day. The island didn’t have your typical Christmas weather, and I was sweating like mad. My ponytail holder had snapped, breaking my hair free. It settled in frizzy waves around my face and drove me to the brink of insanity for the rest of the day. I remembered bringing the block of wax to Kai. I also brought one to Chase, but I hadn’t felt the need to spoil Kai’s memory with that piece of information. I relished knowing that Kai noticed me just being me. That his goddess of a girlfriend was sitting on the beach, looking every bit the part of a sex kitten that most surfers would die to have cheering them on, and he noticed me. I always felt like the mess of a
girl that blended into the background, but Kai saw me. With my wild hair. My frantic eyes. My shy smile. He saw me.

  Then I felt guilty for enjoying that feeling. That goddess wasn’t just some dumb beach bimbo, she was Violet. My Violet. My best friend. And here I was feeling like I had won some kind of sick nonexistent competition for her boyfriend’s affections. Except Kai was right, he’s not her boyfriend anymore. They were fighting and on the verge of breaking up. Kai already had feelings for me. Violet was dead.

  When I finally got home, I was exhausted from my thoughts. It felt like I had run a triathlon instead of walking twenty minutes. All I wanted to do was take a hot bath and slip under my covers for some much-needed sleep. Maybe I would wake up with a clearer head. As soon as I turned the doorknob and stepped inside, I saw my parents in the living room, and they were not happy.

  “Where have you been?” Mom asked immediately. Dad shot up from his seat on the recliner and scowled at me.

  “I texted you,” I said with a frown. “I went to see Chase, and he was throwing a party. It was out of control, so I called Kai to help me break it up, and then I went back with him.”

  Mom shook her head, and her lip hooked into a half frown. “Oh honey, you could have called me. I would have dropped everything to help you. Chase is hurting. Maybe I should call him.” My heart softened at her compassionate self. Even when I was in trouble, she worried about us all. Granted, I didn’t bother to call since I knew she worked the night shift last night, but I usually asked for permission instead of forgiveness.

  “Unacceptable,” Dad snapped. “We might have been easy on you in the past. You’re nearly an adult, but you can’t just spend the night at some guy’s house. Especially in the middle of a murder investigation.”

  Mom closed her eyes, then opened them again before walking over to me. She placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “I’m just worried about you. You’re not acting like yourself. You’ve been distant, skipping school, not coming home at night, and being reckless at the rock garden. And I understand wanting to help Chase, but why go home with Kai? Is something happening between you two?”

  I eyed Dad over her shoulder, not wanting to discuss this with him as my audience. Mom and I had a close relationship. I could be transparent with her about my feelings. She had been exceptionally understanding and lenient with Chase since Violet’s death. “We’ve just bonded a lot. After Violet died, I just needed…”

  Mom wrapped me up in a hug, knowing what I needed without even saying it. I couldn’t help but see Dad’s seething face once more. The veins in his neck were bulging in anger. I understood that he didn’t like his baby girl spending the night somewhere else, but he hadn’t exactly been around. Besides, didn’t he trust me?

  “I don’t want you hanging out with Kai,” Dad said when Mom started hugging me.

  “What?” Mom and I said at the same time.

  “He’s dangerous. You’ve seen who his family is.”

  “If he’s so dangerous, then why do you know Kai’s brother? Lex?” I asked, thinking back to the time he showed up at the surf shop. Lex had said he and Dad went way back. What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

  “He comes into the surf shop occasionally.” I squinted at him in question. Lex said he didn’t surf. Was my dad doing drugs? Oh God, what if he was? That would seriously kill my mother. She was adamantly against them. Lex mentioned something about investing in the business, but that didn’t feel right either.

  “It’s not that big of a deal. Kai is really nice. Kind. He understands what I’m going through.”

  “I’m sure he does. I don’t like it, Breeze. I want you home every night. No excuses. No more sleepovers. Nothing. You stay here, or I’ll ground you.” Dad puffed out his chest.

  Anger boiled in my gut. “It’s not like you’re ever home. Mom is off working doubles. I barely see you anymore. I know the shop requires a lot of work, but I don’t like being in this house alone all the time.”

  Mom went rigid and chewed on her cheek. I knew she felt guilty about working all those extra hours, but we needed the money. This wasn’t about her. She went above and beyond as a mother to support me—to support this family. “Obviously, we aren’t going to have a healthy conversation about this right now. Why don’t you and I go have lunch, hmm? We haven’t had the chance to catch up in a while.” Mom smoothed my hair while trying to smooth over this conversation.

  Dad opened his mouth like he wanted to argue but closed it again. “Fine. I need to go to the shop anyway.” He then stormed out of the house, not sparing Mom or me a second glance. I didn’t get it. Why was he so mad? My parents were very trusting of me. I haven’t had a curfew or rules really since I was sixteen. I understood being overprotective since Violet’s death, but that didn’t mean he could take it out on me. And I definitely didn’t like that he knew Lex on a personal level. If he was doing drugs, it was bad.

  Mom sighed when the door slammed before wrapping an arm around me. “Go shower. Get dressed. I’ll take you out to a nice lunch, okay?” she offered in a soft voice, compassion bleeding from every syllable.

  “Okay,” I murmured back.

  Mom took me to my favorite diner. It was a little further away than some of the others, but it was worth the drive. There were neon lights around the outside of the restaurant and little working juke boxes on all of the tables. When I was younger, I used to love putting in a nickel and picking out a song.

  The bright red booths were well loved, but clean and comfortable. The floor was checkered in black and white tile, and the servers all wore pink dresses with white aprons. We slid into our favorite booth, and when our waitress came to take our order, my mom asked for two root beer floats.

  “I’m sorry that I have been at the hospital so much, honey,” she said once we were alone.

  “It’s okay, Mom. I get it,” I told her. And I really did understand. Hospitals were twenty-four seven; people didn’t stop needing care just because my world was turned upside down.

  “How are you dealing with everything?”

  That seemed like such a heavy question to ask in a place that had a pie wall. I got a temporary reprieve while our floats were delivered and we gave our orders for a tuna melt and turkey club. I thought for a moment and then answered my mom truthfully.

  “Not great. I’m so confused. It’s like everything I’m feeling is wrong. I can’t be what anybody needs me to be, and I feel like I’m letting everybody down.”

  My mom looked back at me with empathy in her eyes, and she took my hand over the top of the table and squeezed.

  “You are doing great, baby girl. You can’t be responsible for the world. Do you want to tell me about what you’re feeling?”

  I had been holding everything in for so long that the words just spilled out in an effort to unburden my soul. “Chase is completely out of control. He’s not going to school, he’s throwing parties, and he’s getting really, um, angry,” I said, not really wanting to go into too much detail about his violent outbursts. “I don’t know how to help him. He won’t talk to me. I thought there was something between us.”

  “Chase is not your responsibility. You don’t have to try to help him, you just need to be there for him when he’s ready. I can only imagine what he’s feeling right now, that poor boy. Violet has always been like an anchor for Chase. She gave him purpose and kept him tethered. Without her and without his parents to lean on, I’m sure he’s feeling like he’s lost at sea, fighting to get back. Right now, Chase can’t see the light from the lighthouse. I know it hurts, but he’s not capable of loving right now, not even himself.”

  “But that’s the thing. I’m not hurt that he doesn’t love me…” I trailed off.

  “Kai,” she said with a knowing smile.

  “He admitted to liking me...since before Violet’s death. I’m not even sure how to process that.”

  “I suspected as much,” Mom replied with a small smile before patting her lips with a napkin. “I haven’t b
een around much, but that boy has always had his eyes on you.”

  “Then why did he date Violet?” I snapped, my own anger surprising me. “Why confuse me like this? He claimed to like me back at the Charging into Christmas competition. Maybe if he acted on it then, we could have…”

  “You wouldn’t have dated your best friend’s ex,” Mom ended for me. “And cut him some slack. Love doesn’t happen overnight. It’s like a cliff overlooking the ocean. The ocean has to cut and work at the rock. The earth has to push and break and build to form it. Thousands of years pass in a blink, and then you have this beautiful testament to time and perseverance.”

  “That’s beautiful, Mom. Do you feel that way about Dad?”

  Mom smiled. “We’ve been married a long time.” She got a faraway look in her eye, then shook her head. “Tell me why you sound angry about Violet. You’re allowed to be, by the way, I just want to understand why.”

  I swallowed. “Do you think Violet was a good friend?” I asked.

  “I think Violet loved you the best she could. Fiercely. But I don’t think she was taught how to love. You have such a selfless soul, baby. You give and give and give. Violet was taught to take. And she was taught that love was transactional. She was afraid to be real and risk losing you.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, emotion clogging my throat. I had to take a bite of food to stop myself from crying at the diner.

  “Her parents were always gone, only showing up when she was in trouble. Think about it. If you grew up believing that everyone leaves, how can you believe that anyone stays?”

  “I feel guilty for doubting her.”

  “You’re allowed to doubt her. There is still a lot of mystery surrounding her death. I don’t like it,” Mom said while clutching her drink. “But I do know this: Violet was always encouraging you to live your life and get out there. She made you braver. She defended you. She loved you. And I think she’d want you to live fiercely, baby. I think she’d want you to enjoy life. And maybe that doesn’t mean right now. Grief is a process. A slow process that comes in waves. But one day, when you’re ready to be happy, I know Violet would support you. No matter what. You were probably the only constant in her life aside from Chase, and she’d want the best for you.”