by Naomi Niles
“Don’t worry, I think I have that already solved. Let’s focus on you and Louis. We need to find him a proper daycare unless you want to take him to work with you?”
“Yes, Louis goes with me for now. The days of going to school are coming soon enough; I want to keep him by my side as long as I may.”
So, it was settled, and Marie and Louis began to accompany me to work each day. I showed her how to cook the southern food in the same way that Maudie had shown me. Between us, we watched the children and learned. We decided to make the apartment upstairs a nursery and playroom and hired a young girl to stay and watch the boys. In this way, they were close by and yet not underfoot.
Marie was well received by the customers and her Cajun charm added an extra touch of authenticity that I, in my New York twang, could not. All in all, I thought it was a brilliant plan. I also looked forward to living in the bigger city. I was, after all, a big city girl.
Sunday night came and I positioned myself on the porch to call Jill. I knew she would have received the money order by now. I hoped she wouldn’t continually bug me for more and more money; not because I didn’t want to give it to her but because it meant she was buying herself drugs with what I sent. It would also mean that she wanted an explanation of where the newfound wealth was coming from—and that meant she would find out where I was and all about Maudie. I loved my sister, but I wanted this aspect of my life kept secret.
Jill answered the phone on the third ring. “Hi! I got the money order. Thanks!”
“Please don’t buy anything unhealthy with it, Jill,” I begged her.
“I’m not. I’m okay now. I’ll use it to pay off some bills and maybe find a better place to live.”
“Do you have somewhere in mind?”
“I was thinking somewhere in the country. I happen to know of a place I can stay already,” she added.
“Oh? Who do you know that owns a ranch?” I asked.
“You’d be surprised. As a matter of fact, he’s here right now.”
“Oh? Did I meet him?”
“Uh-huh. Hang on.”
“Silver?”
My heart stopped. It was Blake. Jill had sold me out. Why had I trusted her? I knew she’d do it.
I didn’t answer at first.
“Silver, please don’t hang up. I just want you to listen. You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to.”
I said nothing.
“I miss you. I know that I told you I love you and it forced you to leave me. I know why. Jill explained it all. Silver, you’re nothing like her … nothing like any woman I’ve known in my entire life. I love you and I want you to come back. Please. I’m a mess without you. I’ve stopped drinking and there haven’t been any more women?”
“Really?” I couldn’t help myself at that.
“Okay, one but she means nothing to me. She’s trash compared to you.”
“That makes me feel so much better,” I said sarcastically.
“Okay, I’ve got that coming. I do … and I get it. But it wasn’t like that. She’s nothing to me and I won’t ever let her near me again, I swear. Please come back, Silver. I miss you so much. You are the most valuable thing in my life. Please?”
“I can’t.”
“I know what you’re thinking—”
“That’s not it,” I interrupted him.
He was silent a moment, trying to understand what I might be referencing. “Then … what is it?”
“There’s someone else,” I said, deliberately letting him think that it was a man and not just Kirk.
“Is it serious?” His voice was choked.
“I’m afraid so. Lifetime.” I hated what I was saying, but I knew he had to hear something like this or he would continue to pursue me.
“Are you married?” he asked, reaching for some shred of hope.
“No, not married. But living together.”
“I see. Is he good to you, Silver?”
“Yes, very good. I love him very much.” I hated myself. I know this was cruel.
“I hope he is. He’d better be damned special because you’re one of a kind woman. I blew it; I know I did.”
“So, what’s up with the bull riding?” I tried to change the subject.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not riding bulls. Why not?” I prodded him.
“Lost that nerve. You remember.”
“I remember that you were in a slump and that you were drinking heavily and carousing at the time. There were some pressures on you that I had hoped you’ve resolved by now. You need to be on those bulls, Blake.”
There was silence at the other end of the line. Then came, “See? You’re the only one who has ever had confidence in me. You’re the only one who ever cared. I would do it for you, Silver. For you I would climb back on the bulls—any of them.” We both knew the one he meant.
“Can you do it?” I asked.
“Will you come back?” he countered.
“That’s not fair. What I do with my life should not affect you,” I answered.
“But it does, in so many ways. I guess if you’re hooked on somebody else, that leaves me in the cold, but I won’t give up. I want you in my life, forever, Silver. I mean that. I’ve had a very long time to think about it and I need you more than you will ever realize.”
“You need someone better than me.”
“That’s bullshit!” His voice was angry. “You demean me by saying that because you’re a hundred times the person I’ve ever been. Just look at you! Look at the strength and resourcefulness you have. You’re smart, beautiful, ambitious, and honest. I can’t claim any of that. I need you in my life. Look, I know you’re hooked on someone, but don’t give up on me quite yet. Please? Will you promise me that much?”
“I can’t give you any promises.”
“Okay, maybe you can’t, but you can at least give me a chance. Come back to Dallas, just for a few days, and let me see you again. Will you do that for me? For us?”
I was silent as I thought about this. I missed him so much that this was pure torture for me. All I wanted to do was scream yes and get on the next bus going west. But there had been a lot of time and water under the bridge. For one, he knew nothing about Kirk. He would be furious with me for having withheld that from him. It hadn’t been fair of me, I had to admit that.
“I’ll think about it,” I answered finally.
“You will? Oh, hell, Silver, you have no idea what that means to me! When? When will you come?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got things going on. Don’t pressure me. I have to think about this. Now, remember, this doesn’t mean I’m moving back. I’m only coming for a few days, you understand that?”
“Yeah, I get it. Only a few days. That’s all I’ll need. I’ll convince you.”
“Don’t beg and grovel.”
“What?”
“Don’t grovel like that. I’m not worth it and it’s beneath you.”
“Oh, no—”
“Stop it!” I cut him off. “And I’m not staying at the ranch. I’ll stay at a hotel in town.”
“I understand. Anyway, sounds like I’ve got a new roommate.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, Jill is moving out there.”
“What? You and Jill?”
“Hell, no, nothing like that. She gave me the sob story about wanting to get out of drugs and away from the usual guys she drags home, so I thought, out of respect for you and a soft heart, I’d give her a chance to clean up her act. So, I told her she could come out and stay at the ranch for six months, but that’s it. No guys, no booze, no drugs. She has to stay clean and sober and she has to get a decent job.”
“You’re giving her the Escalade.”
“Nope. She’s on her own for transportation. That car is yours, Silver. It’s wrapped in plastic in the garage and up on blocks. It hasn’t moved a mile since you left. It belongs to you and always will.”
I was sort of surprised at this. I
didn’t know why I felt like the divorced wife who was just now finding out what had happened since the divorce, but that was exactly the content of our conversation.
“Well, whatever, Blake, but watch her. She’ll guilt you into letting her stay on forever. I love her, but she needs to be on her own feet for a change.”
“She will be. I’ll see to it. I’ll do it out of nothing more than love for you. I know you want her healthy and straight. I’ll make it my business to get her that way.”
“Good luck. Better not bet the ranch on that one.”
“It will be fine. Just please, let me know when you’re coming back. I don’t want to waste a single second of being with you when you’re in town.”
“I’ll give it some thought. I have some arrangements to see to before I can come. I’ll let you know by email, though, so watch for it.”
“Silver?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve made me the happiest man in Texas.”
“Blake, if I come, you’re not going to touch me, got that? You will keep your hands to yourself.”
“You have my word,” he said although I could hear the disappointment in his voice. I felt disappointment, too, but I knew if I let him touch me, it would be all over. I’d never go away again.
I had to think of Kirk and what was best for him, but I needed to have my head on straight when I went through this. I couldn’t tell Blake about Kirk unless I was absolutely sure it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t tell Jill either; God knows she’d find a way to make a buck out of it. It was simply who she was.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now. Tell Judas I said good-bye and not to spend all her pieces of gold in one place. I sent her some money, Blake. So that you know she has it. Make sure she uses it to help herself, improve herself and hopefully get a decent place of her own.”
“I know … I gave her money, too.”
“Jesus! Blake, why did you do that? She’s nothing to you. She’s not your responsibility.”
“It’s only money, Silver. If all you ever want from life is money, that’s the easiest thing to get.”
I wished I’d had that bit of wisdom when I was dead broke and first in Dallas. I’d been dependent on Jill at that point and that was hardly the place I wanted to be then, or to return to now.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now. I’ll be in touch.”
“Goodbye, Silver.”
“Bye, Blake.”
I clicked the phone off and that’s when the sobs began to go through me like an earthquake fault. I felt like I was falling apart. I was so torn. Here I had my son, our son, and there was the man I loved and my half-sister, for what she was worth. No matter what, they were the closest thing I had to family and now, here I was, planning on how to open a new business and permanently build a life in a town far away from both of them. I knew Jill could never live with me; we’d kill each other.
I asked myself if I could live with Blake, and with our son. I already knew the answer to that.
Chapter 18
Blake
Management went ahead and ordered an autopsy on Chaos. They didn’t want to share the outcome with me, but I pretty much elbowed my way in, made some idle threats, and eventually they let me see it. Just as I had suspected, his blood analysis showed he been given a high dose of amphetamines. I knew these things happened. They were part of the industry. The question in my mind came and what I considered whether this was a deliberately timed act in order to ruin my reputation just that last little bit, as if there was much left to ruin in the first place.
It was times like these that I questioned what I was doing in the industry at all. I knew the answer; it was essentially because it’s all I knew how to do. I think that was what lay behind the drinking. I had so few options and so little time to redeem myself. It was one of those moments when a man must confront himself in the mirror and realize there is only himself looking back.
At the same time, I was in love with a woman who went to great lengths to disappear. Trying to reconcile the collapse of my career, and the idea that she did not love me in the way that I loved her, was more than I could handle at that moment. If I had known why she left, it might have been easier. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I overpower her needs? Did I make decisions on her behalf when she wanted to make them on her own? Had I, in some strange way, used her to make myself feel better? The answers may never come; and yet they may come in a way I refuse to acknowledge them.
Talking to her on the telephone had brought back a flood of memories. Even though she hadn’t been in my world very long, the imprint she left behind was massive. Perhaps it was because I felt I failed at a relationship, and at my profession simultaneously. I had never placed great value on relationships before. The women my life came and left with irregular regularity, if such a thing was possible.
This was the one woman I wanted to keep in my life. I guess I never learned how to do that properly. I believed that women love to receive gifts, so I bought her a car. She seemed pleased enough, but perhaps her enough was not the same as mine. I thought women loved attention. Yet her involvement was all about bringing attention toward me and away from herself. There was, I suppose, a certain nobility in that, but I had to remember that I placed her in that position. I thought women liked to be admired for their beauty. There was no question she was a beautiful woman; perhaps the most beautiful I had ever known in my entire life. Yet, when I called attention to it, she seemed uncomfortable. She was a beautiful woman who didn’t want to admit it. There was something there she was hiding, I knew it. I was hoping Jill would open that door for me so that I would understand Silver better. I would do anything to have her return again.
That was when it struck me. Perhaps she saw what I had not. My life was an assembly of paper dolls and ludicrous dreams. The women had been shallow, but numerous. The wins had mattered more than the ethics of the industry or my value as a human being. I had let the fame take over and drive for me. I wasn’t even able to handle that well. There was so much to look back upon and see as mistakes. I wanted very badly to somehow justify all that had happened: the drinking, the women, the late nights, the things I knew went on in the background and did nothing about.
Silver had me convinced for a while that I might be part of the solution. Her risky scheme of making the industry look worse than me personally, could have paid off in the long run. I would have been the equivalent of an industry whistleblower. I would’ve lost my friends, the only people I knew, and my way of life.
Then there always was that chance that it could have all turned out well. Perhaps I would have been seen as the savior of the industry. My fans may have identified with me as wanting to reduce the cruelty to the animals, the fixed winds, the backslapping machinations of crooked money. I could’ve also ended up dead, at the receiving end of a bullet or knife while walking in a crowd of people. All things were possible when Silver was with me. I wanted her back, but I also wanted out of bull riding. The question became whether I could have both, and if I could not, which one did I want more?
I thought it would make Silver happy if I took her sister in and gave her a real home. It may not be forever, and it may not even be pleasant, but at least I’m making an effort to see beyond my own needs. That, in itself, was a major change in attitude. I wished with all my heart that it was Silver who was moving back in, instead of her sister.
I began to consider other things that I could do to make a living. Everything centered on the rodeo industry. Or did it? Silver had asked me if I had any hobbies. At the time I thought that a rather ridiculous question. Who could afford a hobby when your life was consumed with breaking bones, a multitude of women, and gallons of whiskey? I see now she was trying to make a point.
I tried to imagine what Silver would tell me to do with my life. Although she was not as worldly as one might think, coming from a big city, she did seem to understand what it felt like to be at the bottom. I had to admire her for clawing her way through a profession th
at was filled with far more competition than I ever come across. Her words were judged not by reviewing stands of loving fans, but by critics and competitors who were out to prove her wrong. That took guts to stand up to. Did I have that kind of guts?
I did own a ranch. There was that. It wasn’t large enough to hold enough livestock to really compete. Cattle ranching was big business now and there was no place for a little guy like me. There was a question whether there might be oil beneath my property. I really wasn’t bankrolled to go looking for it, and my place wasn’t big enough to hold too much even if there was. Better move to Plan B.
I considered that many of my fans were young boys. Just as I had been at their age, I looked up to the cowboys. He represented a man’s man. He represented courage and strength and endurance. My fans looked up at me and thought these things, or at least they used to. I wondered if I might offer some sort of day camp for kids, perhaps those who were underprivileged. There wouldn’t be much money in it, I’d probably have to scout out a few sponsors to even break even. There was no question, however, that it would be a rewarding career, if you could call it that.
I thought about working the rodeo circuit in a different capacity. Could the world’s leader in bull riding see himself in a clown suit wrestling the bull away from his former competitors? I didn’t think so. All of this thinking was depressing me I felt the urge to find a bottle. I knew if I did that, it would be the beginning of my end, and I wasn’t quite ready to give up yet.
I decided that for once in my life, just perhaps I would ask the advice of others. Silver had promised to come by and visit soon. Could I wait that long? Could I humble myself before her and ask her opinion and her help? I knew I could. It was what she offered all along. It was me who had taken more.
So for now, I would wait.
Chapter 11
Meli
I was preparing for yet another change in my life. This time I was preparing change for two people: Kirk and myself.
I packed what few possessions I had and loaded them into a small trailer which I pulled behind my car. Kirk and I drove to Baton Rouge and I could feel the anticipation of change in my stomach. I had so many details to see to. I tried to remind myself that money was not a consideration, but money never had been a consideration for me. It had always been about triumph; always been about the game.
