by Naomi Niles
I stopped to give some thought to how far I’d come in the past two years. I had been a hopeful journalism student, imagining my name on the front page of The New York Times. And here I was, driving a car with a tiny child and headed to an ancient mansion in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was about to embark on opening a second restaurant, the first having been very successful, but not entirely due to my own efforts. How life took its turns.
I thought about the man I had left behind. When I had spoken to him on the phone I could hear his longing for the times that we had spent together. It would’ve taken very little coercion at that moment for me to throw my arms in the air and say, “I’m on my way!” But I had kept silent. I did not tell him about his child. I did not tell him where I was. I did not tell him about my new life, the wealth I now controlled, the house I was about to move into. There was so much I had not told him. I never told him that I loved him.
I was not yet thirty years-old and already I knew that life would be a series of regrets. Each would add yet another building block to the wall against which you could lean when things went badly in your life. You could tell yourself I’ll get through this, I’ve done it before. Was that all I really wanted?
As Kirk and I pulled down the street where our new old house lived, he spotted children playing outside and began chattering enthusiastically. I realized then that I was opening his opportunities to a happy life by moving to a larger city. Yes, Baton Rouge had its problems. All bigger cities did. Sometimes those problems were lessons in disguise. I hope that was the case this time around.
I arrived at the house and began carrying in a few possessions, handing my purse to Kirk so that he felt he was being helpful. We unlocked the massive double doors and went inside. I began throwing open windows to try and gain a breeze in the stifling heat of its musty interior. At the top of my list was the notation to call a company to come in and install air-conditioning and probably a new furnace into the house. I could afford to be comfortable now, and Kirk needed to remain healthy.
He and I explored the house together, hand-in-hand. I let him choose the room he wanted to claim as his own, which happened to be right next door to the room I had already claimed. I knew he wanted to be close by, but felt that he was now a big boy and should have some privacy of his own. I recognized myself in him, and could remember feeling that way when I was his age, but I did not have the opportunities that he had now.
We took stock of what we had and then went downstairs and sat on the floor with a pad of paper and pencil and made a list of the things that we wanted. Many of these things could be purchased locally, and some would need to be ordered. I went online with my laptop and ordered many items, selecting overnight shipping for the bulk of them. It would be far easier for the man in brown to bring these to the door than it would be for Kirk and I to explore the sometimes dangerous areas of town in order to find the things that we needed.
I realized then I needed to set up some sort of daycare for Kirk. While he and I were very close, there would be times when he couldn’t accompany me, especially as I built the business. Using my cell phone Yellow Pages, I located an employment agency and requested to interview nannies. It seemed strange that I should be in such a position, but necessity had placed me here, and opportunity had given me the means with which to pay for it. Kirk and I assembled the meager blankets and pillows we had brought with us on the floor of the main room where the breeze was coolest and the heat would rise to the upper floors of the building. We had brought fat flashlights, a small supply of food, and after eating to our heart’s content, we settled back and told stories. I discovered my son had quite an imagination, and this gave me immeasurable pride. I encouraged him to use his imagination, to tell me stories, no matter how silly or improbable they might be. Children lived in a world where everything was probable, everything was possible. I envied him his innocence; I wished I still had some of my own.
Eventually we drifted off to sleep and were awakened early the next morning as the sun poured in through the now opened drapes and window. I could hear the sounds of children playing outside and Kirk ran to the window, kneeling on the small footstool and watching the children riding bikes up and down the sidewalk. The area seemed safe enough and I made a mental note that he should have his own bicycle very soon. I would have to teach him how to ride it. He shouldn’t have any problem; children seem to know how to do these things instinctively. I had never owned a bicycle. There was no room for such things in New York City.
My phone rang and it was Marie. She wanted to know how we had fared overnight and if there was anything she could do to help us. I missed her and her insightful ramblings about what I was doing each day.
We talked for a while, anxious to keep the thread of communication and friendship alive between us. We talked about my opening a second location of the restaurant, Maudie’s Café. She asked whether I would like her to come down and help me scout for a location. I told her while I appreciated her offer, it was more important to me that she stay and keep the original café running as usual. I would find my way through this on my own.
The man in brown began coming with our packages not long thereafter and Kirk and I busied ourselves putting things away. After lunch we climbed into the car and found a few furniture stores where we selected bedroom suites, living room furniture, kitchen set, dining room set, and various odds and ends pieces to somewhat fill the cavernous house in which we now lived.
I began interviewing nannies and found one in particular whom I really liked. She was a college student locally, and her name was Sarah. Sarah was looking for a situation where she could trade room and board for childcare. This worked perfectly for me because it allowed me to have another adult in the house. This made me feel far safer and gave me a backup in case something happened and I could not look after Kirk. Unlike a married couple, I was left on my own to raise a child and it was, indeed, a weighty responsibility.
I offered Sarah the position and she enthusiastically accepted. She had a compact car and apparently everything she owned was locked in its trunk. I helped her carry things in and made a note that we would have to find a bedroom suite for her as well. In the interim, I would put the mattress from Kirk’s bed in her room.
We ate dinner and afterwards went shopping for a bedroom suite for her. She was concerned about the financial aspect of our arrangement and chose something very inexpensive. “I’d like you to buy something really nice,” I told her. “Don’t worry about the expense; I can afford it.”
“That’s very kind of you,” she said. “If you’re sure …”
“I am absolutely certain.”
She changed her mind a couple of times and finally settled on a shabby-chic arrangement that included a queen-size bed, a triple dresser, a chest of drawers, a small vanity with matching chair, and a white rocker. I envied her the choices she made, as they were youthful and a bit fanciful. What I had chosen was more traditional. I wondered why I had done that and realized that in my mind, I had become a mother and a businesswoman. In some ways that was very sad because I had let go of the young girl in her dreams. That I realized that I was living the life I wanted to earn, instead of the life that had been given to me through Maudie’s generosity.
Once the three of us had all settled into our rooms, we began to establish a norm, at least one that applied to us. Sarah was an orphan, and I could relate to that. Perhaps I had sensed that in her initially and that was what had drawn us together. Nevertheless, she seemed very bright and was enthusiastic when I told her of my plans. She and Kirk got along well and together the three of us would go and inspect the local schools before it came time for him to begin. In this way she could help by providing the preparation for kindergarten when that time approached.
In the back of my mind was my promise to Blake. I knew that seeing him again would be inevitable. After we had settled into our new house for a couple of weeks, I told Sarah that I was going to take a short trip and would be gone for probably three
days. She had no problems with that. We stocked the kitchen and explained to Kirk that Mommy was taking a little vacation. He didn’t understand that concept, but as long as Sarah would be there with him, he felt safe and probably would miss me very little.
On the next morning, I loaded my car, stopped off at a beauty salon, and had my hair done, a manicure, and pedicure. This gave me the courage I needed to see Blake again. Perhaps it was not courage needed to see him, so much as to leave him.
As I approached Dallas, I was impressed once again with its skyline. In many ways I wished I could bring Kirk there to live. It would be a much better environment for him, but for now my business lay in Baton Rouge.
As we approached the ranch, I felt trepidation in my stomach. I wondered if Blake would be at home. I wondered if Jill was living there yet. I wondered so many things.
As I drew closer, I saw that his truck was standing in the driveway. I knew my Escalade was in the garage and I did not see a third vehicle. Checking my makeup and hair in my rearview mirror, I stepped out of my car and walked up to the door of the ranch. I knocked gently once, and a second knock was not needed because the door burst open and there he stood.
The sight of him made me hold my breath; my heart hammering in my chest, my eyes filling with tears of loss.
“Silver.” That was all he said.
I smiled. For having been apart as long as we had, we had very few words to say to one another. He stood back and I walked into the house and straight through to the pool area; the place where it had all begun. We sat in adjoining chairs and sipped glasses of cold lemonade and chatted about the weather and other unnecessary things, all the time avoiding the bigger questions.
I was fairly glad that Jill wasn’t there yet. He told me she planned to be moving in any day, but in the meantime it would just be the two of us. I don’t really know why that made me feel odd, as though I needed a chaperone, because I certainly did not.
We ordered a pizza, splitting it and laughing as he picked off the pepperoni and I picked off the sausage. Somehow we found it convenient to become young again. Somehow that prevented the questions that needed to be answered. It began to grow dark and as the darkness approached the time for questions to be answered approached as well. We lay on the lounge chairs, still side-by-side, looking up at the stars. The pool light came on with the timer, providing just enough light that I could see his profile. I knew when he looked at me, I could feel his eyes upon my profile as well.
“Why did you go?” he asked simply.
“You don’t know?” I asked, leaving the words to hang in the darkness as he considered what the reasons could have been.
“No, I never knew. I had some ideas, but I never knew for sure.” His answer was simple, but heartfelt.
“I was no good for you Blake,” I told him bluntly. “Couldn’t you see that?”
“You are all I ever wanted. Couldn’t you see that?”
“You don’t even know who I am. You don’t understand where I came from my childhood was like.”
“Yes, I think I do. Jill filled in the missing pieces. You are so much more than your beginnings, Silver.”
“And you are so much more than yours,” I told him.
“Where do we go from here?” he asked me.
“Are we going anywhere?” I wanted to know.
“I’ve missed you. I can’t say it any simpler than that. I’ve missed the sound of your voice, the way you snapped back at me, your opinions that were never asked for … I miss all of that.”
“I’m not quite sure how to take that,” I told him.
“Take it in whatever way convinces you to come back,” he told me in a somber voice.
“You don’t understand. It’s too late for that.”
He was silent several long moments. He swallowed hard and asked, “You mean the other guy?”
I nodded. It was killing me inside to not tell him about Kirk. But once I told him, I would lose control of my life and my son forever. I had seen what children did to relationships with my mother, especially when there were two girls from different fathers. Even though Kirk belonged to him, once he knew about him, I would be at the end of Blake’s leash until Kirk was an adult. And yet I understood that if I didn’t tell him about Kirk, eventually he would find out, probably from Jill. I couldn’t keep Kirk a secret for the rest of my life. My conscience wrestled with my logic. I knew my logic was slowly losing the battle.
Blake had looked down at his lap, and he was picking at his thumbnail. I had seen this gesture before. It was a sign that he was experiencing some anxiety. This tugged at my heart, I didn’t want to be the source of discomfort for him. I knew that he was having self-control issues. I knew that he had stopped drinking. There was so much about him that I could read, and so little of myself that I was willing to let him read. I reasoned that now was not yet the time, and that I would know when the time came.
“I shouldn’t stay long, I was hoping to see Jill here. I’ll go into town and see her at her apartment. She might need my help doing some last-minute packing.”
“Please don’t go yet,” he pleaded with me. “I’ll see to it that Jill is moved over here. Just sit by me for a while. I don’t know anything about this other man, but I suspect once he learns about me, he won’t allow you to come here again.”
I couldn’t argue with his logic; I would’ve drawn the same conclusions. I nodded. “Okay, I’ll stay a little longer on one condition.”
“What’s that?” he asked me. His face had lit up. I knew it was because I had agreed to stay a while longer.
“The pizza was good, but I picked off so much there was hardly anything left. Why don’t you let me cook us some dinner?” I suggested.
“And you think I would argue with that?” he laughed.
“I didn’t think so. Let’s see what you’ve got in there.”
I made my way to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to take inventory. It certainly looked a whole lot more wholesome than it did the last time I had looked in. There was no beer, no liquor bottles lying on their side, not even a vodka bottle in the freezer. There were some green vegetables, enough so I could make a salad. There was a large steak and I pulled this out as the basis for the meal.
He sat on one of the stools at the breakfast counter and talked as I cooked. I could tell he had a lot on his mind and that he really needed someone to talk to. I listened patiently, nodding at the appropriate junctures and never sitting in judgment of him. My life was no longer conjoined to his; I had no right to pass judgment.
“I can’t ride the bulls anymore, Silver,” he said.
I could hear the sadness and the defeat in his voice. “Where’s the problem?” I asked him, full of sympathy for the part of the man I knew that had seemed to wither.
“I won’t spare any words. I’m terrified. The last ride I had they had doctored the horse,” he told me. “It went wild, threw me off, and still came at me. They had to shoot it,” he said. He slammed his hand on the countertop causing me to jump somewhat. “Silver, I just cannot be a part of this anymore.”
“What do you plan to do?” I asked him.
“I have no freaking idea,” he said “I don’t have a college education like you do, you know. I pretty much raised myself, my parents had four of us, all boys. The rodeo was all I’ve ever known. I started there as a youngster and kept climbing through the ranks. I’m not really sure where that leaves me.”
“Have you thought about what you would like to do?” I asked him.
“It’s all I’ve done. I’ve looked around at what’s available and the best I can come up with is building a camp for kids. Isn’t that pitiful?” he asked me, his eyes almost mournful in appearance.
“Not unless you consider kids pitiful,” I said, my heart hammering in my chest.
“Hell no,” he said in a vehement voice. “I’ve always loved kids. In fact, you might say, there was a time not too very long ago I found a lady with whom I hope to have a half-
dozen.”
“Is that so?” I looked at him, my conscience pounding at the temples of my head. Should I tell him?
“Silver, you know a lot about me. Do you have any ideas?”
“Well, I hadn’t really given any thought to that. I suppose you need to take a look at who you are and what sort of marketable commodities you have to offer. There’s your ability to ride, even if you don’t want to do it on the rodeo circuit. There’s your name, that’s still worth quite a bit on the barrelhead. I suppose you could look at some endorsements, as long as you keep up some sort of rodeo image. You’re an intelligent man. There have got to be things that you thought of doing at some point in your life. Think back to what those are. Nothing is impossible for you, Blake.”
“Except getting you to come back,” he said in a dismissive voice.
“Blake, you don’t want me. You might think you do but you don’t know what you’re getting into. I don’t come from good stock. Hell, if I had been a calf born on your ranch you probably would’ve shot me in the head at birth.”
“Don’t say that! I know all about your mother.”
“From whom? From Jill? Oh, I’m quite sure her rendition is a little bit different than the truth. Jill is actually very much like my mother. She wouldn’t admit there was anything wrong with mom. Her conscience wouldn’t allow that. That’s why she fights with me. I wanted out, to go to school and to make something of myself. Jill didn’t look that far down the road.”
“Is that so?” A voice came from the next room.
It was Jill. She walked to the doorway and gave me a really hard look. “I heard myself being discussed, and it didn’t sound very nice,” she said.
“You’re right; I’m sorry Jill,” I said. I walked around the counter and hugged her. “I’ve missed you, I really have.”
