I stop when I reach the end of the street and my eyes betray me, moving to my rearview mirror. In painful slow motion, I watch as he and Claudia wrap their arms around each other, Estella tucked in the middle, and just hold each other. They never break apart before I decide I’ve seen enough and take off for the hospital.
The drive to the hospital doesn’t take too long. It’s certainly not long enough to get the picture of Sutton and Claudia out of my head. I call Easton when I get parked, and he comes down to meet me. I haven’t seen him in weeks.
“Have you slept since you left school?” I ask when we break apart from a long embrace. He’s lost weight, there are huge bags under his eyes, and I don’t think he’s picked up a razor since the last time I’ve seen him.
“Not really.” His eyes scan my face, searching for signs that I’m alright. His mother is in the hospital dying, but he’s still worried about me. “How was the drive?”
“It was fine. I’m good, Easton. Don’t worry about me.”
“You ready to go see Mom?”
No, but I nod anyway and let him lead me to the oncology unit of the hospital. When the doors to the elevator open on the fourth floor, he stops me before taking me down the hallway.
“She doesn’t look like herself, Scarlett. She’s weak, her hair’s all but gone, she’s, well,” he stops, shaking his head. “It’s a shock.”
My chest is heavy, and I’m already having a hard time pulling in a full breath. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel when I actually see her. “Okay.” What else can I say to that?
“She’s been asleep most of the day. I was downstairs getting something to eat when you called. She may be awake now.”
We walk the entire length of the hall, stopping at the last door, V. Winters written on the nameplate. Easton pushes the door open, and my eyes fall on his mother’s sleeping form. If I didn’t see her name on the door I wouldn’t have known it was her. She’s unrecognizable. Her mass of beautiful curls is gone, stringy peach fuzz in its place. Her skin is pulled tight around her face and is jaundiced. I’d say she’s aged twenty years from the poison streaming through her veins in an attempt to kill the cancer eating away at her body.
I gasp, alerting Doc to my arrival. He’s in a chair on the side of her bed, his head resting on the mattress next to her hip, her frail hand engulfed in his. A weak smile graces his face when he spots me by the door. He’s in sad shape as well. I’m worried about all of these Winters men. Who’s taking care of them?
“Scarlett,” he whispers, leaving his wife’s bedside. After he kisses me on the cheek he looks at his son. “Why don’t we go for a walk around the lake outside?”
“I don’t want to leave Mom.”
Doc’s eyes move back to his wife. “She had a bad bout with pain and nausea while you were gone. She’s not waking up for a while. They shot her up with some pretty potent stuff. Besides, your brother just texted me. He’s on his way.”
I’m all for avoiding Sutton, so I follow Doc out of the room and through a back stairwell right on the side of her door. When he pushes the exit door open on the ground floor we are near one of several lakes that are situated along the hospital property. I spent much of the time my mother was here walking these lakes, trying to figure out what was going to happen to me if she went to jail.
That pain and uncertainty didn’t even register compared to what I’m feeling now.
“Did I ever tell you how I met my wife?” Doc asks.
I’ve heard the story from Mrs. Vera more times than I can count, of course, but I’ve never heard him tell it. I say no, wanting to hear his version. It feels like he needs to tell it, and I’m more than willing to listen.
Before he starts talking he pulls a small packet of crackers from his pocket. As soon as he rips open the cellophane, ducks start to scurry from the water and gather at his feet. This is obviously a familiar routine for everyone involved.
“Our apartments were directly across the street from each other, but I’d never seen her. I was working nights at the time, making my way through medical school. I’d come home at seven each morning, dead on my feet, ready to crash for a few hours before heading to school. As soon as I’d get out of my Jeep every day, a yellow lab would always greet me. I never saw him with an owner, but he had a collar and would always come running from the same direction. He was a big, goofy dog, and would follow me inside, like he owned the place. We’d hang out while I’d eat my breakfast and then I’d send him back out and off to wherever he came from.”
Doc stops, digs another pack of crackers from his pocket and crumbles the treat at his feet for his ducks. “This went on for a couple of weeks,” he continues, “until one day a beautiful girl with wild curls came trailing behind her dog, laughing. ‘So this is where you’ve been going every morning’. I remember standing frozen next to my Jeep, mesmerized by this girl. She looked me square in the eyes and said, ‘My dog has good taste.’ I knew right then that I needed this girl in my life. Something told me she was perfect for me, and we hadn’t even had a conversation yet.”
I smile through my tears because I can picture the scene so clearly. I’ve seen photos of the two of them when they were younger, and it’s not a surprise that it was love at first sight.
“So what did you do?” I ask, even though I know the answer.
“I did what any sane man would do- I asked her to join me and her dog for breakfast.”
“Did she say yes?”
He gives me a sad smile. “I don’t think she and Peezer left my apartment after that morning.” He wipes at his eyes. “Damn I miss that dog.”
Easton chuckles besides me. “He was pretty awesome.”
Doc takes a big breath and lets it out slowly. “He’ll be happy to have your momma back.”
“Don’t say that,” Easton whispers.
“I’ve been a doctor a long time, son, and I’ve seen a lot of things. Sometimes it gets to a point where you can’t fight anymore. This is bigger than us. Bigger than your momma can handle.”
Easton’s face crumbles. “You’re just giving up on her?”
I watch as twin tears roll down Doc’s face. “Never, but I’m being realistic. The treatment isn’t touching her cancer, and it’s so hard on her. We agreed that if the next scans don’t show a significant change, she’ll stop chemo and come home. She wants to be comfortable and she wants her boys with her.”
“What about what Sutton and I want?”
“I have the best doctors around treating your momma. They all love her, have known her for years. Do you think they would stop if they thought there was a chance to beat this?”
“You’re just willing to let her die?” he screams, his words ripping my heart out.
Doc pulls him into his chest. They hold each other and whisper things that I can’t hear. I don’t have a right to listen anyway; I’m not a part of this family anymore. I start to walk back toward the hospital, but Doc’s arm shoots out and pulls me into the embrace. My sobs can’t be contained. The three of us hold each other, ducks pecking around our feet, and we weep for Mrs. Vera. It’s unfair, things are uncertain, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
I don’t know how long we stand by that lake, hugging and crying, but Easton eventually leaves the fold and says he needs a minute alone. He kisses me just under the ear and tells me he’ll see me in a bit.
“I wish he understood that I’m just doing what she wants. If I thought there was a chance, I’d fight like hell, but at this point…” his words trail off.
“I know,” I reassure Doc.
“She wants her boys to make up.” I suddenly feel very uncomfortable being out here. This conversation was bound to happen, but I didn’t want it now, and I wasn’t prepared to have it without Easton next to me. “Her only wish,” he continues, “is to have her boys by her side, but they won’t even be in the room together. They can’t put their jealousy aside for their dying mother.”
The words sting, knowing that I’m
the cause for the damaged relationship. “I’ll talk to Easton. I’m sorry I did this to your family,” I whisper.
“Scarlett, honey, you didn’t do anything.” He pulls me into his chest and chuckles. “Vera and I always thought this would happen. Those boys were always crazy about you. We knew one day they would both be vying for your attention, we just didn’t think it would turn out to be so dramatic.”
I shake my head and laugh, because I don’t know what else to say about the situation. Sutton and Easton have got to put their feelings aside and focus on their mother.
“Let’s head back inside,” Doc says, right before leaving one more handful of crackers for the ducks that are still milling around. “Maybe Vera’s awake now.”
Fear grips me and my feet stop moving. He tugs on my hand and turns to look at my face, giving me a small smile when he sees the panic. “She’s let so much go, Scarlett, now that she’s sick. She wants to see you and needs to mend this relationship.” He wipes the fresh tracks of tears off my cheeks. “You’re one of her children, honey. Mothers and daughters go through spats, but they always make up. I don’t think she was ever truly mad at you, just upset with her boys.”
I pull in a shaky breath. This is bigger than me being scared. I have to make this right. “I’d like to go inside.”
He smiles and takes me back upstairs.
Chapter Twenty
Easton’s taken over his father’s position at his mother’s side. She’s awake, and a hint of a tired smile crosses her face when I come through the doorway. Doc rushes over as soon as we enter the room, doting over her, much like his younger son does for me. After several reassurances that she’s feeling up for a visit, she asks them both to give us some privacy.
“I’m glad you came,” she says. Her voice is weak and rattled. I can hear each pull of breath; see her chest struggling with each inhale and exhale.
“Of course I came. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” I take her frail hand in mine and gently rub my thumb back and forth across the papery skin of her knuckles a few times. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Vera.” My chest heaves, much like hers, as the tears start up. “I’m sorry for everything.”
She manages to shake her head back and forth a few times. “I don’t want to dwell on that. I’m just happy you’re here.” She takes her hand from mine and reaches for the cup of ice on the side table, but it’s just out of her range. I get it for her and wait for the small piece she puts in her mouth to melt before she starts talking again. “I hope I’m around for the wedding.”
“Easton and I aren’t getting married,” I tell her, blushing. It’s as much as the truth as I can give her right now. It’s not the time to get into everything.
“I’m not talking about the two of you.”
I can feel the color drain from my face as I think back to the scene I saw earlier in the Winters’ yard, Sutton and Claudia comforting each other as I drove off.
“I, um, I didn’t know,” I stammer, and she cuts me off.
“I’m talking about you and Sutton.”
Maybe all the drugs coursing through her veins are making her delirious, but she must know that we are over. I’m with Easton now. I remind her of that fact, but she just winks.
“I’m so tired, Scarlett,” she tells me.
“Why don’t you take a nap? I can come back later.”
She coughs. It’s nasty and wet, but she clutches to my hand as I try to get up. “No, honey. My body is tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I just want to go home. I have things I need to tell my sons, things I need to tell you. Robert says I can go if the treatments aren’t working.” Each word is strained; it’s a fight to get each syllable out.
“I know,” I whisper. “We’ll see what the scans say.”
Doc and Easton come back in. Their timing is impeccable, since I’m not sure if I can take much more of this conversation. Easton doesn’t look any better than he did down by the lake. We step into the hallway to give his parents some privacy.
“I have to stay here tonight. It’s my turn and I don’t want to rock the boat with my brother by asking him to switch. Dad needs some sleep. I can barely get him to leave as it is.” He looks so torn between his familiar obligations and his need to spend time with me.
“No, you stay. I’ll take him home and make sure he gets something to eat and rests.”
His hands come to my shoulders and his tired eyes search mine, looking for any sign that I’m not okay with this. I’ll do anything I can at this point to make all of them comfortable. I place my hands over his and give them a squeeze.
“I’m so glad you’re with me, love,” he whispers. His forehead falls against mine; his lips a mere breath away. “I didn’t realize how hard this was without you. I need you.”
I know it would help him so much if I just leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, but I can’t. I comfort him with words instead. “I won’t leave again. I promise.”
Footsteps behind us force us apart. Sutton clears his throat and I pull back further. He thinks we’re together, but I don’t need to throw it in his face.
“How is she?” he says in lieu of a greeting. I’m sure this is how it’s been between the two of them- strained conversations, more like acquaintances than brothers.
Easton shrugs and it pisses me off. His mother is in there, dying, and he’s not even making an effort to fix things with Sutton.
“She’s tired,” I answer, though I’m sure the question wasn’t directed at me. “She’s tired of all of this… the cancer, chemo, you two fighting. Do you think you could call a truce? Try to get along?”
“We’re not fighting,” Sutton answers with a shrug. “We just don’t speak anymore unless it’s necessary.”
I get in his face and drop my voice. There’s no need to cause a scene right outside her door. “Your mother is dying, Sutton. Having her sons not speaking to each other isn’t helping the situation. Do you think that’s how she wants to spend her last days? Watching the two of you pretend to be strangers?” I turn to Easton, who looks surprised by my outburst, then back at Sutton. “You two need to get your shit together and get over yourselves. I’m staying with my mother tonight. Things better be different when I come back in the morning. Got it?”
A flash of a smile appears across Sutton’s face before it falls away. “Yes, ma’am.”
“I’ll try,” Easton says. “Can I walk you out?”
“No. Tell your father to meet me in the car.”
I stomp away, the sounds of Sutton’s chuckling following me down the hallway. I can’t be sure, but I think I hear him telling his brother that I’m still as much of a firecracker as I used to be.
***
“Scarlett, honey, what are you doing here?”
The events of the day finally catch up to me. As soon as my mother opens the front door, I fall against her in a pile of uncontrollable tears.
“What happened? Are you alright?” She takes me by the shoulders and pushes me away slightly to look me over, searching for signs of injury. Never in my life have I willingly gone to my mother and sought out her embrace.
“Mrs. Vera,” is all I can manage to get out.
“I know, baby,” she tells me. “But the Lord calls His children home when He is ready. We don’t always understand why, but we must trust in Him-”
This is how conversations have gone with my mom since she got out of rehab. She relates everything back to religion. That’s fine- better the Bible than a bottle of vodka to help her cope with life- but that’s not what I need right now. I need her to be the mother to me that she never was. I want comfort and reassurances.
I want Mrs. Vera. I’ll never get what I need from Amy Cook.
“Mom,” I cut her off. “Not now. I just need to sit here and cry. Let me do that.”
She looks horrified that I’m turning down her religious comforting, but she takes me to the couch anyway. Her arm feels stiff around my shoulders. She has no idea how to hold he
r own child. “Do you need to stay here tonight?”
“Yeah.” I can’t imagine spending the night across the street with Doc, Sutton, Estella, and Claudia. I made sure Doc ate some dinner and was in for the night before coming over here. I don’t think I could have stayed over there another minute.
“You’re room is still set up for you. You can stay here as long as you like.”
I don’t know how long that will be. Who knows how long Mrs. Vera will be able to endure what’s happening to her. I might be here a few days or a few months. The more time I have with her the better.
“Hungry?”
“I ate with Doc. Right now I need a hot shower and some sleep.”
“Okay. Let me know if you need anything else. I’ll be in my room.”
After an awkward hug, she gets up. She lingers in the doorway for several minutes. I’m not sure what she’s expecting me to do, but I’m not going to ask her for anything. I’ve never done it before and I won’t start.
I step into my room and it’s like being transported back in time. I left some of my old stuff here when I went off to school. Sutton replaced most of my dad’s old VHS tapes with DVDs, so I left the duplicates here. Seeing a pile of my movies brings a smile to my face that I wasn’t expecting. I sort through my collection until I find one of my dad’s favorites, pop it in the ancient VCR that’s still set up in the corner, and collapse on the bed. I don’t get too far past the opening credits of The Last of the Mohicans before I drift off to sleep.
A light tapping sound wakes me up long after the movie is over. I sit up, disoriented, confused from both my whereabouts and the noise. It only takes a second for me to remember everything that happened today, and that I’m back at home in my old bedroom. The sound stops, but starts up again, louder this time. I look out the window and I’m startled to see a figure looming outside in the darkness. When I get closer I recognize Easton’s messy mop of curls. Once I move the sheers out of the way, though, I see it’s not Easton, but his brother. Alarm bells start going off in my head, so I crawl out of the window and join him on the lawn.
Buried in the Stars Page 17
