Buried in the Stars

by Gretchen Tubbs

  I laugh despite the ache in my heart. “This has been great.”

  “I wish you could have done this with your own mother,” she tells me, effectively wiping the smile off my face. “You know,” she continues, “your mother and I started having coffee together a few times a week when you left for school. Did she tell you that?”

  “No.”

  “Well, we did.” She wheels herself closer. “Scarlett, she did some deplorable things to you. I saw a lot of it, but I know you kept most of it hidden. It breaks my heart to think of what you had to go through.” After stopping to work through a harsh coughing fit, she keeps going, the words not as easy to get out. “She’s genuinely sorry. You need to work on forgiving your mom. It might not be now, but I think it needs to happen at some point. Don’t let too much time pass and regret not repairing the relationship.”

  I wipe at the tears rolling down my cheeks, mad that Amy Cook can still put this kind of reaction from me.

  Mrs. Vera tilts her head to the side and her eyes light up at the prospect of my cookies. “Now, do you think I can have a tiny taste of one of those?” I place a small morsel on her finger. At this point, she’s not really eating, but her tongue darts out and she licks the crumb. “You’re a natural.”

  I laugh because I’m far from it. “Hardly.”

  “You’ll be baking these for my grandkids before you know it.” I shake my head, but it doesn’t do any good to argue with her. “If Estella’s anything to go by, you and Sutton will make beautiful babies.”

  “Mrs. Vera,” I say, exasperated. We’ve had this conversation several times now. I want to correct her, tell her I’m with Easton, but I don’t want to lie anymore.

  She wheels herself closer, which prompts a coughing fit. I wince because her attacks are getting longer and sound worse as the days go on. “You were never meant to be with Easton, Scarlett.”

  I get her a bottle of water and sit at the table beside her chair. “He makes me happy.” That is the truth. Easton Winters has stood by my side and cared for me, being the best friend I could ever hope for.

  “No, honey, not really.” Her thin, yellowed hand reaches for mine. I clasp it and it’s nothing but skin and bones. “You don’t see it, but Doc and I do. You used to have this light in your eyes, even though everything else in your life was chaos. It’s gone. I can see a glimpse of it, every once in a while, but only when you’re around Sutton and Estella.”

  I shake my head, ready to protest, but it’s no use. She won’t let me get a word in. “I know you love Easton. How could you not?” Her chest is moving up and down harder. Each word is a struggle. “You can’t let this go on forever. Fix this, Scarlett.”

  “I don’t want to hurt him.” He knows I am in love with his brother, but to pursue it may actually break him.

  “He’s already hurting.”

  Estella runs in the room and her father is close on her heels. They are both smiling and laughing, but when he looks from me to his mother, the smile drops from his face.

  “Is everything okay?”

  I bob my head up and down. “Just girl talk.”

  “This cookie is awesome,” Estella shouts. Sutton grabs one off the counter and shoves the whole thing in his mouth, groaning and agreeing with his daughter. Mrs. Vera winks at me, like his love of my baked goods is proof that we are soul mates.

  “I think I need a nap,” she tells Sutton.

  “Thank you for the baking lesson.” I commit each and every one to memory, knowing that soon these will be my last memories of her.

  “Anytime, honey.”

  “Come on, Momma,” Sutton interrupts. “You need some rest.” He kisses her on the head and wheels her away, Estella trailing.

  Easton pops in the kitchen, obviously waiting for the others to leave before joining me. He kisses me on the temple and goes straight for the plate of sugar cookies.

  “These are as good as Momma’s.”

  His comment saddens me. She’s a great woman… I’ll never be able to live up to her.

  “I want to take you somewhere tonight,” he continues as he rounds the table and kneels down beside me. “I miss spending time with you. I miss both of our apartments.” His gaze lingers on my mouth. “I miss our old life. Everything is so complicated now.”

  The complications he’s speaking of have nothing to do with his mother’s sickness and everything to do with his brother.

  I lean in, fighting back tears. “I miss those days, too. Seems like a lifetime ago.”

  His eyes are heated, a mixture of desire, sadness, and love. “I want you happy, love. I’ll do whatever I have to do in order to make that happen.” The look on his face just about knocks the air from my lungs. “I mean it, Scarlett. Anything, even if it’s not what I want.”

  “Can we go home tonight? After your mom is settled? We can come back really early tomorrow, before she even wakes up.” The need to be back at his apartment, away from his brother, is overwhelming. A part of me also knows this may be the last time I ever sleep in that bed with him again, even though I’m too terrified to admit it.

  “I think that’s exactly what we need,” he answers. “Let me go talk to Dad.” Easton’s gone before I can blink.

  “Headed back home?” his brother asks from behind me, his mouth too close to my ear.

  “Eavesdropping?” I retort. It’s like the two of them stand in the shadows, waiting for the other to leave so they can have their turn at me.

  “Nope. Just heard Easton telling Dad the plan.” He sits down in front of me, his knee barely touching mine, the feel of his flesh sending jolts through my body.

  “Your brother’s having a hard time.” I watch his hands form fists and the skin around his knuckles turn white. “We all are, but I think a night away will be good.” I decide to add on, “For everyone.”

  He goes to stand, but he stops when he’s eye level. I stare into his deep orbs and get lost in the swirling color. My lips part and my breath quickens; I want to cover my face for showing him what his proximity does to me, but I’m too scared to move. “It’s not better for me, Squirt. All night I’ll be thinking about the two of you together, your hands and lips exploring each other. You should be spending the night with me, not him.”

  My heaving chest makes it hard to hide the effect his words have. “It’s not like that,” I whisper. It’s none of his business, but I feel the need to share it with him.

  “You’re damn right it’s not,” he tells me, his breath tickling my ear. “It’s not like that with anyone but me… it’ll never be. You need to remember that, Squirt, when you’re lying in bed with him tonight.”

  He pulls back a few inches and smiles at the reaction I’m having to him being so close. “Sweet dreams,” he says and walks out, leaving me squirming and breathless in my seat.

  ***

  “It feels so good to be back here.”

  If we try hard enough, we can almost pretend that all is right in the world. Easton and I are still at school, I’m still working at the bar trying to make enough to pay the bills, and he’s hounding me to move in with him. I’d give anything to have that back.

  “I miss this couch,” I tell him, burrowing further into the comfort of his arms. We’re sprawled out in his living room, bellies full of take-out from our favorite spot downtown, and a movie is playing on TV.

  “Thank you for thinking of this.”

  “I wish I knew what else to do. When I lost my dad it was a sudden thing. I didn’t have to go through the waiting and wondering like you’re having to do.” His hand stills against my back. “Sorry.” I turn in his arms. “That was insensitive.” I kiss the scruff under his chin and he pulls me close.

  “It’s not that. I know it’s coming. The thought of you losing him so young and then having to go through everything you did with your mom is hard for me to think about.”

  He hates when I bring her up. I’ve been able to move past my abusive childhood better than he has. “I had your family.�
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  “What are we going to do when she’s gone?” he asks, his gaze locked on a spot on the far wall.

  “Whatever you want to do. Whatever we need to do to help us move on.”

  “I think we need to finish school. She would want that.” He pulls in a few ragged breaths. “I worry about my dad.”

  “Doc’s strong. I think he’s made his peace with what’s happening.”

  “Do you think Sutton will go back to California?”

  I’m surprised he’s bringing up his brother to me. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

  “He’s got to get Estella settled, whether it’s here or there.”

  “I hope it’s there. The hot nanny’s got her eye on you,” I tell him, ready to move the conversation away from the heavy.

  “Claudia? She’s got her eye on anyone with a pulse.”

  “I don’t know, Easton. She seems to get pretty excited when Uncle Easton’s around,” I tease.

  He flips us over, and I’m on my back with him hovering above me. He’s smiling and I want to freeze time.

  “I love you,” he whispers. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  I swallow back the lump in my throat. “You won’t ever have to find out.”

  “Let’s go to bed.”

  I let him lead me to the bedroom. We don’t bother with cleaning the living room or taking showers. Exhaustion hits with a vengeance. The two of us fall into bed and I prepare to turn him down. I can feel something coming, like he’s just as aware as I am that this is probably the last time we’ll be like this again.

  He gives me a slow kiss, his mouth fusing with mine, shocking my entire system. His hand trails along the skin of my back and I expect him to try and tug off my shirt. Instead, he pulls away and gives me another small kiss. We can’t do this. We’ve shared a few innocent kisses before, but this just feels wrong. I open my mouth to stop him from going further- this has gone far enough- but he speaks first.

  “I’m beat, love.” He takes off his shirt and pats his chest for me to get settled in his arms. It doesn’t take long before his breaths even out and he’s sleeping. Sleep never comes for me. My mind races all night, reminiscing about the past, thinking about the present, and worrying about the future. I toss and turn, careful not to wake Easton, until finally I get my phone from the living room.

  Snagging Easton’s earbuds from his night stand, I find West on my playlist and listen to it on repeat. Not for the first time since this all started, I wonder if it’s time for me to admit that I’m not lost anymore.

  Sutton Winters is my true north.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Easton is quiet on the early morning drive home. If he knows that I was up all night, listening to songs that remind me of his brother, he keeps it to himself. I offer to drive back after we stop for coffee, but he brushes it off and takes the wheel, the radio belting out tunes so that we don’t have to fill the car with conversation. I wait for him to mention the kiss that should have never happened, but he doesn’t.

  “I want to spend some time with Mom,” he tells me when we pull into the driveway. “Are you staying here or going home?”

  “I think I’ll stick around. I’d like to see her today before her friends come over.”

  He nods and heads into the house, not even bothering to say anything else to me. It shocks me and hurts my feelings, but I have no right to feel this way when I was up all night reminiscing about my relationship with his brother.

  Easton’s already in his parent’s bedroom when I make my way into the house, but Sutton and Estella are in the living room having breakfast.

  “Hungry?” he asks. He looks about as well-rested as I do.

  “I could eat.”

  “My daddy makes the best pancakes in the world,” Estella tells me. “You should try them. Then you should come to the park with us.”

  “I’m sure Scarlett has things to do today.” He’s avoiding eye contact.

  “Do you have things to do?” she asks.

  “Um, well,” I start, and she catches on to my hesitation.

  “See, Daddy, Squirt can come with us.”

  “I could take you and give your dad a break,” I suggest.

  “Nah. I need to get out of the house.”

  “Woo hoo.” Estella jumps up from the table and starts rooting around the living room for her shoes. “I get to go to the park with Squirt. This is gonna be awesome.”

  Sutton and I finish our pancakes in silence, avoiding looking at each other from across the table. Claudia comes in and straightens up.

  “We’re going to the park,” he tells her. “You can stay here and have some time to yourself.”

  “Who’s we?” she asks, one perfectly groomed eyebrow arching up.

  “Me, Estella and Scarlett.”

  She smiles. “What about Uncle Easton?” I want to smack the grin off her lips.

  “He’s staying here to spend some time with Mrs. Vera.”

  Her smile grows bigger when she hears my answer. “Perfect. Have fun.”

  “What about Uncle Easton?” I mock when she’s out of earshot. Sutton laughs and picks up our plates.

  “Claudia’s never tried to hide how she feels about my brother.”

  “And how does he feel about that?”

  “Easton’s oblivious to anyone but you. He always has been, even when we were kids.”

  I shake my head. “Ready?” I ask, wanting to change the subject.

  He calls for Estella, and she comes back into the kitchen, bouncing and ready to go. I wish I had just half of her energy. We leave for the neighborhood park just a few streets over. It’s a great place to play, but we never went there when we were growing up. The woods were more our speed.

  “Did you ever come here with my dad when you were a kid?”

  “No, we played in the woods.”

  “And you got on the treehouse roof?”

  “Yep.”

  “Were you scared? I’m not scared of anything.”

  “I was at first, but I knew your dad wouldn’t let anything happen to me.”

  She takes my hand and leads me to the swings. “Can you push me?”

  Estella climbs on before waiting for an answer. I tell her to hold on to the chains and pull the swing back, releasing it and smiling when her small laugh floats through the air. “Higher, higher,” she calls. Sutton’s sitting on a park bench a few yards over. A look of pure happiness is gracing his face at the sight of me and his daughter playing. I don’t realize that I’ve stopped pushing until Estella’s small voice breaks through the silence of the park, asking me to push her. Sutton laughs and shakes his head. He was obviously aware that I was staring at him and forgot about Estella.

  “Never mind,” she says and hops off the swing. “Daddy, can I go over there and pick flowers for Grandma?” Her chubby fingers are pointing to a field full of beautiful wild flowers.

  “Sure, baby, just stay where I can see you.”

  She hops off the swing and takes off toward the field. I take her spot on the swing and slowly pump my legs back and forth, enjoying something that most kids took for granted, but an activity I never did. Amy Cook wasn’t the type of mother to take me to the park to play.

  Sutton gets on the swing next to me. “My daughter likes you.”

  “I like your daughter.”

  He grabs the chain of my swing and holds his and mine in his hand, forcing our swings to move together. “I think it would be good for her if we moved here.”

  My eyes snap up from the grass. “What about school? Your job? All of her friends?”

  He looks at her in the field, skipping around and pulling more flowers out of the ground than she could ever carry. “I can work and go to school anywhere. I didn’t realize how alone we were until we came back here. She’s got me and Claudia, a few friends, but that’s it. I don’t want her growing up without a family. Now that mom’s…” He stops and clears his throat. “She needs her grandpa and Uncle
Easton in her life.”

  “You and Easton haven’t been getting along too well. Do you want her around that?”

  He stops swinging and brings us to a standstill. “I’m trying, Squirt. Do you know how damn hard it is for me to see you with him?”

  “You remind me of it every chance you get.”

  One yank of the chain and our faces are closer together, our noses practically touching. “Imagine if I had her mother here with me and you had to see us together, whispering to each other and touching all the time and going to bed together each night. How would you handle that?”

  I hop off the swing and start walking over to the field of flowers. “Do you need some help?” I ask Estella, all while ignoring the fact that her father is right behind me.

  “I’m done. Can we go bring these to Grandma?”

  “Of course. I’ll help you put them in a vase when we get home.”

  “And then can we play some more?”

  “I think I need to go home for a bit. Maybe when I come back.”

  “Can I come to your house?”

  “Estella,” her dad calls. “You don’t invite yourself places.”

  “It’s okay. I’m just going over there to take a shower, but maybe another time.”

  “Like tomorrow?” She’s relentless.

  “We’ll see.”

  The pout on her face is one that’s well practiced. “That’s what Claudia says when she doesn’t want to tell me no.”

  I have to laugh at her astuteness. “Well, when I say it, I mean maybe.”

  “That’s what my dad says.”

  “Dad also says you need a nap,” he tells her, and I’m thankful for the reprieve. She doesn’t say anything else on the way home.

  When we walk up the driveway, Easton and Claudia are sitting on the porch steps. Easton’s head is down, his hands are clasped tightly behind his neck, and Claudia is rubbing his back. I want to lash out and tell her to take her hands off him, but obviously something has happened. I rush up the steps and she moves away quickly to pick up Estella and ask her about the park. Sutton takes a seat on the other side of his brother.