by Mahi Jay
She’d better not have returned it, he thought furiously. But the huge ring blinked up at him from its soft bed. It seemed to mock him. He could understand that she didn’t want his stuff at her place any more but to return the ring like this was an insult. It had been a gift and she’d thrown it back in his face. He flung the box to the far end of the room. This was it, he decided, he was going to rip her from his thoughts and his life. He stalked to the bar cabinet and poured himself a double shot of whiskey. He didn’t stop until he got roaring drunk and passed out on the couch.
The morning was no better. He woke up with a splitting headache that worsened his mood. Despite his determination his thoughts strayed to Nina, but they were tinged with an inexplicable anger. At himself for thinking about her and at her for occupying his every waking thought. He peeked at his watch and groaned. He had promised to have lunch with his daadhi but wasn’t up to meeting her. Only the thought of her disappointment made him ease his long legs off the couch.
As he made his way into his dad’s house he hoped they wouldn’t ask too many questions about Nina. But he knew he didn’t stand much of a chance there, for the invitation had included Nina as well. There were bound to be questions that he wasn’t ready to answer just yet.
Both his dad and gran glanced behind him as he entered the room they were seated in.
‘Nina’s a bit busy at work so she sent her apologies,’ lied Aadith. He refused to meet his dad’s eyes.
‘I’ve asked the cook to make a lot of her favourites,’ grumbled his daadhi. ‘I’m going to pack some of it to take back with you. Make sure you give it to her.’
‘Daadhi, no. I’m having a script narration that will probably run late, so I doubt I’ll be seeing her tonight,’ he explained evasively.
‘Maybe I should call her and ask her around for dinner, then,’ mused his gran aloud.
‘She said she’s working late too,’ piped in Aadith quickly. He doubted Nina would want to socialise with his grandmother when things between them lay in shreds.
Luckily for him his grandmother let it go at that. But the conversation around the table revolved around Nina so often that he wanted to yell at them to stop talking. He bit his tongue and held his patience. His dad sent him deep, thoughtful looks throughout lunch that made Aadith want to get away as quickly as possible. But it was not to be.
His dad invited him to a game of chess after lunch. Aadith accepted because he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. He was scared that in his dangerous frame of mind he might end up calling her and who knew what he’d end up saying?
Aadith arranged the beautifully carved marble and granite pieces on top of the board. His dad sat opposite him and made the first move. Aadith swiftly countered him.
‘You know, I always worried that my relationship with your mother somehow scarred you.’
Aadith looked up at his father in indecision. He’d never liked speaking about his mother. After she’d left them he’d firmly refused to hear a word about her. But today he couldn’t seem to rustle up the anger he usually felt. Maybe his anger was targeted at a fresher candidate, he thought in derision.
‘I can’t truthfully say it didn’t affect me,’ admitted Aadith.
‘I know. Hurting you is the only regret I have. I knew what I was letting myself in for, but you were the innocent victim.’
‘You mean, even after all the years of pain she put you through you don’t regret being with her? Why not?’ he asked starkly.
‘When it came down to a choice of being with her for a while hoping it would lead to more or never taking the chance, it was a no brainer. I believe in the saying, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’
‘So you willingly opened yourself up to experiencing pain? Who does that?’ asked Aadith doubtfully.
‘A man in love.’ His father smiled. ‘The thought of never sharing a day with her, never waking up with her, never holding her in my arms, never seeing her laugh or cry or get angry was not something I could give up. I was willing to settle for all that she could give for however long she could,’ he said simply.
‘And after she left? Why did you choose to stay alone?’
His father gave a short mirthless laugh. ‘It wasn’t for lack of trying, mind you. But I never met anyone who made me feel anything even close to what I felt for your mother.’ He gave a little shrug. ‘I had those precious years with her and if I had to, even knowing how it would end, I’d choose her all over again. After all, it wasn’t her fault she was forced to give up whom she truly loved and had to settle for me instead. You can’t help how you feel.’
His words thundered in Aadith’s head. It felt eerily similar to what he felt for Nina. This past week without her had made him realise how much he wanted her in his life. He wanted to share all that he was and all that he wanted to be only with her. Everything seemed meaningless without her. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised sooner what she meant to him.
Nina was right; he was an emotional coward. Despite knowing how it would end his father had been willing to take the risk on love, and here he was drinking himself to a stupor, unable to get his courage up to tell the woman he loved what he felt for her.
The woman he loved! Damn! It felt so good to finally let go and accept that he loved Nina.
Now all he had to do was tell Nina how he felt and beg her for another chance. But serious doubts assailed him and made him feel insecure. If she’d felt even a portion of what he felt for her, then she wouldn’t have left him, would she? Was he always meant to lose the women in his life? Was he meant to be alone just like his father? His heart raced as the questions swarmed him.
Oblivious to the frantic thoughts of his son, Aadith’s father continued, ‘Beta, I’m happy you found what I did. The happiness in your eyes when Nina is around, and the restlessness you display when she isn’t, speaks volumes. I know everything is not as it should be, but whatever you do, don’t let her go. She’s the best thing that’s happened to you.’
‘I know, Papa. I’ve been a fool for a long time now but not any more. And it’s checkmate,’ said Aadith with a slight smile.
‘You always had smooth moves,’ grumbled his father.
The part of him that had been scared about love for so long exulted in the freedom of admitting his love openly, but the part of him that had been hurt by the rejection he’d been dealt with by his mother and his ex was nervous as hell. He picked up his phone to call Nina but it went to voicemail. He called her landline, which got him the same response. Her office number was picked up by Mrs Dutta, who informed him that Nina had gone on vacation and hadn’t left a contact number. She’d assumed Nina would be with him and was surprised by his ignorance. He couldn’t say a thing to assuage her curiosity so he hung up as quickly as possible.
When he caught up with Nina, he was going to give her a piece of his mind. How dared she disappear without a word? Couldn’t she have left him a note or a text or something? What if she never wanted to see him again? She’d already refused his proposal—what if she refused his love as well? A lot of what ifs plagued him as he set about finding her.
He knew a couple of her friends but they didn’t seem to have a way to contact her. Neither did her boss, who told him she was on indefinite leave and didn’t know where she’d gone. Aadith became frantic as he exhausted all his sources to find out where she was. Another week passed before he accepted defeat and went to his last resort. His friend, her brother.
CHAPTER TWELVE
NINA HURRIED BACK inside, shaking off the snow from her thick lustrous hair. The walk had done little to dispel her gloom. After that disastrous night with Aadith she’d tried to throw herself back into her work to forget him. But it hadn’t helped.
Sending back his leftover articles and the ring had only served to eliminate from her house physical reminders of him. Her thoughts had still centred around him. It had in fact intensified her loneliness and made her feel lost. She’d wandered
through the house later, searching in vain for something of his to hold close. Realising how weak and desperate she’d become, Nina had called her brother on an impulse and told him that she would be visiting him shortly.
When Mohit had met her at Geneva airport she’d fallen into his arms aching for comfort. He hadn’t said I-told-you-so and for that she’d been grateful. He had somehow understood that she needed his support and had sensitively refrained from asking intrusive questions. At her brother’s place her five-year-old nephew was her only solace. When the little boy was around she got some respite from her thoughts of Aadith. It was during the hours when she was all alone that desolation and despair claimed her.
Her life stretched endlessly before her, barren and flat without Aadith. He’d given colour and life to every day they’d spent together. Even if they’d just stayed at home, him reading a script and her a book, he’d made it special with just his mere presence. He’d always made her laugh and she missed that more than anything else.
Over the weeks she’d been sorely tempted to run back to him and say yes to whatever he offered. There were no guarantees in life and love, and wasn’t taking that leap of faith what it was all about? rationalised Nina to herself. But the thought of spending endless years yearning for his love just as she’d longed for her parents’ love helped her stick to her resolve. She wanted all or nothing.
Watching her brother and sister-in-law sent a pang through her sometimes. She wanted what they shared. The joy of showering the other person with love, unafraid of rejection and confident of it being returned manifold. Was she never meant to know that kind of love? Was she jinxed? she wondered in dismay as she waited for her nephew to return from school.
‘Nina buaa,’ screeched an excited voice as soon as the door opened for him. The little boy came hurtling into her arms.
‘How was your day?’ enquired her brother.
Nina shrugged and forced a half hearted smile. She knew he worried about her so she tried to appear cheerful whenever he was around. She knew he hurt for her.
‘I went for a long walk. It’s beautiful outside,’ said Nina, trying for an upbeat tone. ‘So why isn’t babhi with you?’ asked Nina, referring to her sister-in-law. They usually picked her nephew up together, after school before heading home.
‘There is a surprise farewell party planned tonight for a colleague, so she stayed back to make a few arrangements. I came by to drop Pranav with you,’ he said, indicating the boy. ‘I’ll probably be joining them again. Is it all right?’
‘Absolutely, go have fun. Don’t worry about us. We are going to have an awesome time together, aren’t we, sweetheart?’ she declared, fondly ruffling her nephew’s hair.
‘Just remember that I love you and want only the best for you,’ said Mohit, not meeting her eyes.
As a family they were not prone to expressive displays of emotion so she gave him a startled look. ‘I’ve already agreed to babysit your son, so there’s no need to get all mushy on me,’ she retorted laughingly.
Mohit laughed and turned towards the door. ‘One other thing. You can’t kill the messenger.’
Nina gave him a puzzled look at that cryptic message. ‘Now what’s that supposed to mean?’ she demanded.
‘Nothing. Just a thought for the day,’ he said evasively as he bid them both goodbye.
Nina shook her head in bewilderment. That was weird, she thought as she locked the door behind her brother. She settled down with the boy to watch a Kung Fu Panda sequel, after which she fed him dinner and put him to sleep. As she watched him sleep she wondered if she’d ever have a husband and child to lavish her love upon.
It was in quiet moments like these that she wished Aadith were with her. She longed to hear his voice and see the mischief dancing in his silvery eyes. The sudden chime of the doorbell startled her. It couldn’t be her brother, for he had his own key, as did her sister-in-law. Should be a neighbour, she hazarded as she moved towards the door to check.
When Nina put her eye to the peephole to check out the visitor, she gasped loudly. It was Aadith. Her heart drummed so loudly in her chest she was afraid he could almost hear it. One part of her wanted to open the door and fling herself into his arms, the other, wary, sane part wanted to hide inside and pretend to be unavailable. She felt too emotionally vulnerable to withstand an assault now. She feared she’d agree to his proposal if he pressed too hard now.
‘Nina, I know you’re inside, so open the door. I won’t let you hide this time around.’
His words provoked her anger. No! Not this time. She was tired of hiding her emotions behind a fake veneer of friendship. It was time to get it all out in the open. If he still wanted her, he was going to get more than he asked for.
She slid the safety chain off its hook and turned the knob to open the door. Her legs felt like jelly as she met his steely eyes. His gaze roved over her hungrily as if he couldn’t get enough of her. Shiver after shiver shot down her spine and she clutched the door for support. She backed up against it to leave room for him to enter the house.
The familiar scent of him hit Nina as he brushed past her inside. It sent her senses into a tailspin. He looked furious, which made her already frayed nerves jangle.
‘You seem to excel at running away from problems,’ he said in a rough undertone.
‘I call it putting some distance between us to gain some perspective,’ retorted Nina.
‘Just semantics! Even if you had to put the distance of a continent between us, why the hell couldn’t you let anyone know where you were? I’ve been frantically trying to get in touch with you for the past week or so.’
‘Didn’t it occur to you that maybe I didn’t want to be disturbed?’ she said cuttingly.
Aadith flushed. This wasn’t going well at all. Just seeing her had made him impatient to make her all his. His insecurity had pushed him to offensive mode. He knew he needed to dial it down to get her to give him a fair hearing.
‘Actually it did. But I couldn’t wait any longer. I had one hell of a time finding you.’
Nina pursed her lips in anger. ‘That’s right. What Mr Hotshot Movie Star wants, he has to get right now, doesn’t he? And if you’ve come to try to talk me into your cold blooded arrangement, forget it. I’m done with it.’
Aadith noted the angry glitter of her eyes. They stood out starkly against the wan pallor of her face. She’d lost weight on her already slender frame and it made her look as fragile as glass. He felt a terrifying need to crush her to him and erase the pain he’d caused. He just hoped she’d let him.
‘No. I’m not here for that,’ he replied quietly.
Pain shot through Nina at his words. She’d expected him to argue his case. This easy acquiescence on his part felt like a major let-down. She had to get him out fast. The longer he stayed, the more likely it was she’d agree to whatever scheme he was proposing just to be near him for a bit longer.
‘Then what exactly are you doing here and was it my mum who tipped you off about where I was?’
‘Actually it was Mohit, and don’t blame him. I coerced him into it.’
Nina understood Mohit’s cryptic message now. Aadith was the reason he wasn’t here now. He must have thought a simple conversation with Aadith would solve all their differences. She could have told him what they needed was a miracle, thought Nina wryly. But still the question of what Aadith was doing here begged for an answer.
As Nina looked at him with a question in her eyes Aadith knew it was time to bare it all, but the fear inside him was crippling. He wanted to turn back and hide behind the safety of a relationship with no strings attached. But the thought of losing Nina was even scarier.
‘I just wanted to tell you that you were the best thing to happen to me and that I was a fool to not realise it sooner. I want you back.’
There wasn’t a moment’s hesitation as she shot back harshly, ‘No! What you just said sounds like another line to get me to agree to your ridiculous loveless proposal. Why are you do
ing this to me? I told you clearly that I want more. Why can’t you leave it at that? Are you so selfish that it doesn’t matter to you what I want?’
‘If it is selfish to want you in my life, then I must own up to that sin. I do. I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted.’
‘You only think you want me because I had the audacity to walk away from you before you cut me out yourself. Did it dent your ego that I broke up with you? Is that what this is all about?’
She ignored his look of total surprise. He was an actor after all, so manufacturing an expression like that must be a piece of cake for him, thought Nina furiously.
‘I have no ego where you are concerned. This is something more.’
‘Oh, really? Clue me in, then. What is this all about?’
Aadith felt dread creep into him. Wasn’t this what he’d always feared? The pain of rejection. The pain of not being loved enough. The pain of his happiness being dependent on another person. The thought of laying himself completely open to it all terrified him. If only he could walk away and forget her! But he knew very well, he couldn’t ever do that. She was under his skin. She was like a fever in his blood.
‘Nina, this need I feel for you is relentless in its intensity. Since the day I met you I’ve been inching closer to you by the second. I won’t deny that I’ve tried to fight it, but I can’t any more. My life makes sense only if you’re there to share it with me,’ he confessed rawly.
Nina looked at him in confusion. ‘Are you saying what I think you are saying?’
‘If you’re thinking that I want to wake up every day with you in my arms, you’re right. If you’re thinking that I don’t want to spend another day without you, you’re right. If you’re thinking that I adore you and would do anything to keep you in my life, you’re damn right. I would. All I’m asking for is another chance,’ he pleaded.
