Halfway Whole and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “Well, I want to see it now.” I somehow convinced Maple to go back inside, and tossed out the remnants of the letter in the process.

  “Right this way.” He led the way down the stairs and over to his cabin.

  I’d been in his cabin before, for dinner, but somehow this felt different. I found myself checking out everything as we walked through the kitchen and living room and into one of the two bedrooms. I assumed this was the spare room because it was a twin bed and a tiny dresser. He walked into the closet and pulled on a rope. A set of stairs swung down.

  “There’s an attic in these things?”

  “Yup. I take it you haven’t found yours yet?” He glanced over at me.

  “No, but then again I’ve barely stepped into the second bedroom in my place.”

  “You should check it out. I know there’s some really cool stuff up there.”

  “You’ve been up there?”

  “Yeah. I’ve had free time on my hands.”

  “Gotcha.” I wouldn’t ask for more of an explanation than that. “But I want to see this art of yours.”

  He started to climb the stairs, and I followed. Maybe I was being foolish, following a guy up into an attic, but I trusted Logan, and if he’d have wanted to hurt me he’d had plenty of chances already.

  I emerged into a room with sloped ceilings, but otherwise nothing about it screamed attic. There was a huge window that spanned the back wall of the room, spilling natural light everywhere. My guess is there was no issue with light at night either as strings of bulbs crisscrossed the ceiling.

  “Are these all yours?” I gazed around at the half-dozen sculptures made of various metal and wire materials.

  “Depends on whether you like them.”

  “Love them.” I walked over to one made of metal. It was all sorts of pieces crisscrossing to create what looked like someone curled up into a ball. Separate, but still connected was a stick-figure of someone looking on. “Wow. Intense.” I saw myself in the metal ball, and the memories flooded back so hard they nearly knocked me over.

  “Get up. Get up now or I’m going to leave.”

  “Leave? You want to leave me? This wasn’t just a fling?”

  “I don’t know what it is.”

  “How don’t you know?” I pulled myself to my knees. “How is that possible?”

  “I didn’t mean for this to happen. But it did. There is nothing I can do about that now.”

  “Two weeks ago you told me it was all in my head.”

  “I did.”

  “Why? Why did you lie to me?”

  “Because of this. Because I didn’t want to deal with this crap.”

  “This crap?” I pulled myself to standing. “My being upset that my husband has been having an affair.”

  “You can’t pretend that things were perfect with us before this.”

  “Perfect?” Anger surged through me. “Perfect? Who the hell gets perfect? But we were happy.”

  “You were happy. I wasn’t. And that’s why this is all your fault. It was your job as my wife to know I wasn’t happy.”

  * * *

  “Brooke? You okay?” Logan’s voice pulled me out of the horrible memory.

  I wiped hot tears off my face. “Wow. I’m sorry. That piece. It just spoke to me. It’s about rejection. It’s about someone you love rejecting you.

  “Yes.” His voice was just above a whisper. “I hate that you figured that out so easily.”

  “Why? Don’t you like when people can interpret your work?”

  “I hate that you’ve experienced it.” He wiped the tears from my face with his fingers.

  “I’m a mess. I should go.”

  “Please don’t.” He took my hand. “Not to be totally forward here, but do me a favor and resist the urge to run away. I know you wanted to get off the grid, and you are. But talking with me isn’t breaking any of those rules.”

  I tried to ignore the warmth and comfort coming from his hand, but it was nearly impossible. “But it’s embarrassing. I’m blubbering to a guy I barely know.”

  “I thought we’d been over this. According to Jaylin, we know each other very well.”

  “Yes. That’s right.” I did want to run. But I didn’t. Instead, I walked over to a sculpture of a girl with braids. “This is Jaylin, right?”

  “You guessed it.”

  I leaned in for a closer look. “This is incredible. I don’t see how you can do this.” The detail work was off the charts.

  “If you play your cards right you can watch me sometime.”

  “Play my cards right, huh?” I relaxed. The awful memories seemed like a lifetime ago. I was nowhere near Will. He had no power over me anymore. I continued my walk around the room and stopped in front of one of two figures staring each other down. They were clearly fighting. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, too.” I should have said that earlier, but I’d been too focused on composing myself. How many times would I have to scold myself for being self-centered? Just because my life had fallen apart didn’t mean that other people’s lives didn’t matter.

  “We should probably get Maple out.”

  “We?”

  “Unless you don’t want the company.”

  “I’d love the company.” So much for spending time alone. I couldn’t seem to resist spending every second offered with him.

  “Good. Let me grab a few things and I’ll meet you next door.”

  “Ok.” I decided not to ask him what he was grabbing. One of these days I was going to have to get better at facing surprises.

  Eight

  Logan

  Logan

  I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill whoever the hell hurt Brooke so bad she’d broken down over my sculpture. I’d known there was a story behind her decision to come to Forest Lake, but this went beyond what I was thinking.

  There was nothing I could do about her past, but I could try to make her day better.

  I packed up a quick bag and headed next door.

  She was waiting with Maple on the porch.

  “How’d the lock do?” I gestured to the door.

  “Worked perfectly. Thanks.” She held up the single key on a metal ring.

  “Great. Are you up for turning our little walk into more of an outing?”

  “Oh. Sure. I think so. I assume this is appropriate attire?” She gestured to her shorts and a tank top.

  Her clothes were appropriate for the outing, and it was impossible for me to ignore how perfectly the tight top fit across her chest. “You are wearing sneakers, so we are good to go. I have sunscreen with me.”

  “Aren’t you Mr. Prepared?” She wrapped her hand around Maple’s leash.

  “I try.” I put my backpack on. “It may be annoying to some, but it’s just how I am. Kind of comes with the territory if you are hanging out with me.”

  “That’s usually me.” She followed me down the steps. “The overly prepared one.”

  “Usually?” I glanced over at her as we headed down toward the lake.

  “Yeah. Not right now. I’m taking a different approach to life at the moment.” She took in a deep breath and then slowly let it out. It didn’t seem natural, more like she was following a breathing exercise someone taught her.

  I wasn’t going to call her out on the breathing thing. “It’s okay to let someone else take that job every once and awhile.”

  “Agreed.” She sped up as Maple picked up her pace. “By the way, thanks.”

  “What are you thanking me for exactly? It better not be the lock again. I get paid for that.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “For this. For being so friendly. Can we forget my little freak out earlier?”

  “Why would we do that?” I wordlessly took Maple’s leash from her. Our hands brushed one another, and I enjoyed the momentary connection.

  “Because I was enjoying our easy banter before. I’d rather not lose that.”

  “And why does the easy banter have to disappear?” Le
arning more about each other wouldn’t change what seemed to happen naturally between us.

  “I guess it doesn’t have to.” She played with the bottom of her braid.

  “I’d tell you I’m this friendly with everyone I meet, but then I’d be lying. But I like hanging out with you. When I like something I tend to do it.”

  “Well, I like hanging out with you too.”

  “Convenient isn’t it?” I pushed a branch out of the way so she wouldn’t have to duck.

  Maple barked. “We like hanging out with you too, Maple.” I pet her head.

  “Are you ready to tell me where we’re going?” She swung her arms.

  “No.” I watched her to see her reaction.

  Her eyes widened just a smidge. “Ok, then.”

  “I think you could use a fun surprise.”

  “I can always use a fun surprise.” She put her hands in the pockets of her shorts.

  “Very true.”

  Maple barked. Brooke pet her head. “Calm down, Maple. Surprises can be fun.”

  “Maple isn’t your first dog.”

  Brooke straightened up. “We had dogs growing up, but she’s my first as an adult.”

  “I see.” The path narrowed so I moved on ahead. Normally I’d have gone with the whole ladies first attitude, but I was the one leading.

  “What about you?” She spoke from right behind me. “You have a dog now? I know you mentioned you grew up with them too.”

  “Not right now. We did.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry.” She stepped on a tree branch, the resulting crunch was loud.

  “She didn’t die.” I wanted to make sure I didn’t mislead Brooke. “Kind of a long story.”

  “Ok. Don’t worry about it.”

  “My dad took it.” The path widened again so we could once again walk alongside each other. “Ok. Maybe not so long of a story.”

  “Oh. I take it your parents are split up?”

  “Yes, a fairly recent divorce.” It was still weird to say it out loud. I always thought my parents had the perfect relationship. The kind you want to emulate. But then out of the blue, everything changed.

  “I’m really sorry.” She looked down at the ground.

  “So am I, but not as sorry as my mom.”

  “It sucks when one person wants the divorce and the other doesn’t.” She started to play with her braid again. “So unfair.”

  Her reaction to my sculpture was beginning to make more and more sense. “You know that from experience?”

  She chewed on her bottom lip. “Yes.”

  “Not your parents though.”

  “Nope. Me.” She put a hand to her chest. “And yes, I realize how that sounds for a twenty-five-year old.”

  “And that’s your secret?”

  “Yup. Like I said, it’s not a very good one. Plenty of women have had their husband’s leave them for another woman. Most probably aren’t in their twenties, but hey, what can you do?”

  “I’m sorry. That really sucks. But maybe having it happen at twenty-five is a good thing. After watching my mom it’s pretty horrible at sixty.”

  “Poor Jaylin. Did she take things hard?” Brooke wrapped her arms around herself. “She’s at such a tough age.”

  “You can say that.” Jaylin acted tough, but she had broken inside. I was doing everything I could to help now. I’d been such an idiot when it first happened. I’d never forgive myself for being as selfish as I was.

  “Well, that puts my situation in perspective.”

  “Perspective is good, but don’t try to play down your own experiences. It doesn’t help anyone.” I wished there was some way I could help Brooke. How could anyone have left her?

  “Just being real.”

  “He’s an idiot.” I wanted to use other words I was thinking to describe the guy, but I didn’t want to come off psycho or anything.

  “Who? You dad?”

  “He is, but your ex. Any guy would have to be an idiot to leave you.” Maybe I was being too forward, but I was past caring. I cared about Brooke whether I wanted to or not.

  “I happen to agree, but his paralegal must have had something I didn’t.”

  “Wait. What? Please tell me he isn’t a lawyer? He isn’t that much of a cliché, is he?” I knew before asking what the answer would be.

  “Yup. She worked for him. Almost as bad as the doctor sleeping with his nurse, right?”

  I groaned. “It rates up there.” Why were people such idiots? “But there’s no way she had anything you didn’t. It was him. All him. That’s how these things work.”

  “Oh?” She was going to make me explain.

  “Yes. He’s got issues. Our society likes to victim blame, but that’s all it is. Victim blaming.” I felt the anger surge through me. I needed to stay calm. I didn’t want to scare her off. I was just so tired of hearing about these jerks.

  “Yet he seems completely fine. Super happy. I’m the one who bursts into tears at the sight of sculptures.” She kicked the dirt as she walked.

  “Maybe that’s because my work is so good.” I nudged my shoulder into hers. I didn’t think about what I was doing until I’d done it.

  She didn’t seem to mind the nudge. “I’ll give you that, it’s incredible, but the reaction is all on me.”

  “I like that you had that reaction.” I stayed close by her side. I loved her closeness even if it was causing a reaction in me I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

  “You like that I broke down?”

  “No.” I stopped. I needed her to look at me. “And you didn’t break down. You felt emotion. You truly feel emotion. You have a heart and know how to use it. I can guarantee your ex doesn’t. Otherwise he wouldn’t have done what he did.”

  “You think so?” She shuffled her feet.

  “When you say he left you for this paralegal, I assume they slept together before the divorce?”

  “Oh yes. Lots of times. Unfortunately, I found the hotel records. And the text messages about things done in my car.” Her face scrunched up.

  “Lovely. I won’t ask about the car, but that’s my point.” I pet Maple when she jumps up on my legs. It was a bad habit I shouldn’t have been rewarding, but given the seriousness of the conversation I was having with Brooke, I let it slide. “If the issues were with you, he would have just asked for a divorce. But he didn’t. He had to go hurt you first.” I started walking. If I didn’t my anger was going to get the best of me.

  “Is your mom okay?” She abruptly pushed the conversation away from her.

  “She is. But it’s rough. He took everything.” I didn’t like to hate my father, but I did. Maybe I’d forgive him one day, but that day was far off.

  “Oh my gosh. How?”

  “Meaning he spent every cent they had on his mistress, now wife. He even pulled everything from his retirement and bought her a house in her name only.”

  “He’s remarried already?”

  “Did it the day he could. Of course he didn’t tell us till afterward.” I hadn’t told anyone the details of the mess he’d made. It felt good to say it out loud. “You know she’s closer to my age then his.”

  “My ex is engaged. I’m sure they will be married soon.” That would be a hard pill to swallow, but then again all of it had been. Thankfully the homewrecker blocked me from social media so I couldn’t stalk her #blessed posts.

  “And they can live a miserable existence together.”

  “Unless they end up super happy. Is it wrong that I find that thought super frightening? That I don’t want them to be happy? Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I saw that out loud.” She put her hand over her mouth.

  I was glad she’d said it out loud. It meant she trusted me. “Super happy?” I shook my head. “Yeah right.”

  “They both left their spouses for each other. They had to have really wanted this.”

  “She was married too?” Did this story get worse?

  “Yup. With a young daughter. Pretty low, huh?”

/>   “Yes. And that just proves my point. You think it will be a fun marriage when every time one of them spends too much time on their phone or goes out a little late the other has to assume they are off sleeping with someone else?”

  “Very true. I wouldn’t want to go through that ever again.”

  “Come on. We’re almost there.” My phone buzzed in my pocket. Without looking I knew who it would be, but I looked anyway. It was A.J. again. Now that she’d seen me with Brooke she was going to call even more.

  “Everything okay?” Brooke glanced over.

  “Yup. Everything is fine.”

  “Ok.”

  My phone buzzed again a minute or two later. I didn’t even bother to glance this time.

  “Was that your phone?” Brooke put her hand in her back pocket.

  “Good hearing.”

  “I had a few months of getting good at it.” Her expression darkened.

  “Oh yeah. Sorry.” I didn’t want to bring all of that up again. I would have completely turned off my phone, but I needed to be accessible to Jaylin. I owed it to her.

  “I kind of hate phones now,” she continued.

  “Hence the off the grid decision.” I turned onto a smaller path.

  “Exactly.”

  “Ok. I hope you can swim.”

  “Wait. Swim?” She stopped short. “Why didn’t you tell me to wear a swimsuit?”

  “You shouldn’t be swimming. But I didn’t bring life vests.”

  “I can swim, but are we getting on a boat?” There was a lilt to her voice.

  “Yup.” We stepped out of the clearing and over to a wooden dock. Off to the side my canoe was tied up. It wasn’t the most convenient spot, but Frank didn’t let you leave non-rental boats at the closer ones. “Want me to paddle?” I gestured to my canoe.

  “I can do it.” Her face lit up.

  “I take you’ve canoed before?” I hopped down into the boat. Brooke handed Maple to me, and then I held out my hand for her.

  She stepped in like a pro and took a seat. “Many times, but it’s been entirely too long.”

  I untied us, and she picked up the paddle. She easily moved us out from the dock. “Now this is a nice surprise.” She smiled. It was a real smile that seemed to physically affect me and make me giddy-happy.