by Jane Keeler
“Maybe I’m not slutty enough?” She pulled down her top but then was appalled by her lack of cleavage and quickly pulled it back up.
“Nah, that would certainly get you laid, but it wouldn’t exactly get you a husband. You’re just the right amount of slutty. Although you could try a little harder sometimes. You seem far too comfortable on this couch lately. When’s the last time you actually went out and tried to find someone?”
“Seriously?” Melissa asked, rolling her eyes at Carol. “Where am I supposed to go? To a bar? By myself? That looks a bit desperate doesn’t it? It’s not like I can go out with you and Mark either. Yes, I know, I know, before you say anything… I know that you have a child now and that you don’t want to go out drinking at a bar anymore. But who’s to say I do? Just because I don’t have a child doesn’t mean I don’t also like being in bed by ten pm.”
“I phoned you the other day at 9 and woke you up.”
“Well sometimes I like going to bed early. So sue me. Seriously though Carol, I know we’re joking here, but it’s really not that easy to just find a guy. All the good ones are taken and I don’t just want to settle for second best.”
“That’s good though Melissa. I don’t want you to settle for second best. I want you to be in love. I want you to meet the right man. One that fits in according to the standards I have for you of course. But I just want to see that you are trying.”
“You seriously sound like my mother, you know.”
“Well, she does have a lot more sense than you.”
Melissa sighed, “I know. Annoyingly you are right. She does have sense. I’ve always been the senseless one. The one with the head in the clouds – as she puts it. But what do I do?”
“I can set you up?”
“Are you kidding me Carol? The last two times you set me up were complete disasters. I swear, for a friend who is supposed to know me so well I am appalled by the men that you have set me up with so far. No, no, after the last disaster I am definitely not going to try that again.”
Carol went quiet and Melissa watched as she looked up to the ceiling, all the while chewing on a curly straw.
“Earth to Carol.”
“Wait, I’m thinking. I’ve got it.”
“You do? By staring up at the ceiling? I should try that more often.” And with that Melissa lay flat on her back and stared at the ceiling. “Nope, nothing came to me. Ow.” Melissa sat up in surprise as a pillow came flying her way. “What was that for?”
“So that you’ll listen to me. Sometimes violence is the only way with you. Seriously though, I have a plan. I know you like lists and deadlines and all that structure and stuff.”
“Structure and stuff. Yes, you got me. Although I’m not sure where this is going.”
“Well why don’t you come up with a plan? Like, why not set a goal for meeting a man?”
“What do you mean? And how much champagne have you actually had tonight?”
“I mean, you do well when you have a deadline. You always have. When you know that you have to get something done by a certain date you always manage to do it. It’s like your brain only works well when it knows it has a limit to work towards. Without that goal it just remains lazy.” It was true, Melissa was either incredibly lazy or ultra-motivated and most of the time it had to do with when the due date of the project was set for.
“Okay, sure, you’re right, but how do I make that work for finding a man?”
“That part I’ll leave up to you. But if you set yourself a goal I know you can do it.”
“Find love in 30 days?”
“Before you turn 30! Yes! Come on Melissa, it will be fun!”
“Yes! I like this. I love a good plan. Let’s plan it now!”
Carol was laughing. “No, not now. You’re too drunk. Let’s do it in the morning. You know, when you’re actually thinking with a normal brain.”
“You’re calling me abnormal?”
“In the nicest possible way.”
“Okay, well let me at least write down the title of the goal. Maybe I’ll dream up some good ideas.”
***
FIND LOVE IN 30 DAYS.
“I didn’t dream this did I?” It was the morning after sitting down and having some tea and Melissa was holding up the piece of paper to Carol.
Carol rubbed her head and glared up at the paper. Then, when she realized what it was, she burst out laughing. “Oh no, you didn’t dream it. I came up with that fabulous idea. And you, my dear friend, agreed to it.”
“I did, didn’t I. In the light of day I must say – the idea seems quite absurd. But absurd is generally what I go for.”
“So you’re going to do it?” Carol’s voice had gone unnaturally high, as it always did when she couldn’t contain her excitement.
“I’m up for the challenge. And so what if nothing comes of it. I’ll walk away with a good story. And you know how I love a good story.” Melissa worked as a freelance journalist for a few local magazines and had dreams of becoming a writer one day herself. So the search for a good story was always at the back of her mind.
“You know,” Melissa continued, “I always thought that I was too boring to become a writer. Now, at least, I’m doing something about making my life more interesting. So I’m going to come up with a plan. A 30 day plan. It won’t all involve going on dates – that, unfortunately, can’t always be planned, and a date every day for 30 days is slightly obsessive – but the plan will at least get me out there. Right, where do I begin?”
Melissa took out the paper and wrote down 1 – 30 down the left hand column and then stared at the blank page. Then she started to jot down ideas. After an hour she had come up with:
Visit a bar alone
Visit a bar with friends
Strike up a conversation with a guy at a coffee shop
Try speed dating
Try internet dating
Strike up a conversation with a man and his dog at a park
Go on a blind date
Randomly flirt with a stranger.
Carol was looking over Melissa’s shoulder and reading through the notes. “Not a bad start. A few potentials for sure. And some you can do more than once, just in case you don’t hit the luck the first time round. I mean, you might only meet a handsome stranger at the park that you like the third time you try. So maybe do them all more than once. You know, doing this has made me forget about my hangover. We’re a good team, you and I.”
“We are. Although I’m about to break up our team with A MAN!” Melissa emphasized the word ‘man’ and they both laughed.
“Listen, I have to go, Mark and I have a date tonight. The boys are going to stay with their grandparents! When is your start date?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Gee, you don’t mess around! Keep me posted.”
“I will. Now go have some fun with your husband while I contemplate how I’m going to find myself a man.”
“Life is never dull around here.”
Chapter Two
The problem with Melissa was that once she made a decision to do something she had trouble letting it go even if it was the wrong one. Once Carol had left she started thinking more about the whole idea of trying to find a man in 30 ideas and it started to seem more and more bizarre to her. But, as with everything, she had written it down and told someone and so now it simply must be done.
The next day Melissa decided that she would try her hand at Internet Dating. She’d always scoffed at things such as this but even she had to admit to the benefits it offered. It was like a ‘choose your own adventure’ novel where all she had to do was find a man that she found the most connected to and then go on an adventure with him. Of course, trying to connect with someone online was not at all the same as trying to connect with someone in real life. First, she had to create a profile for herself, so that the man in question could see if he wanted to even go out with her. She decided to choose one that didn’t make her look too great so that he would be pl
easantly surprised when he saw her in real life. Melissa wasn’t the type of girl to worry all that much about her looks. She knew she was fairly attractive and despite her obsession with cupcakes and champagne she generally kept in pretty good shape. She was tempted to put a few airbrushed photos up but then thought better of it. She didn’t want the poor man to have a heart attack when he saw that her skin wasn’t the same texture as a baby’s bottom. She chose a photo that showed her the way she figured she looked most days – pleasant, but not perfect. Her shoulder length brown hair was down in the photo and a few strands swept across her face but still showed the green flecks in her eyes. She was smiling and holding up a piece of cake. She was slightly aware that the photo screamed ‘I like cake more than men’ but she was willing to give it a try. Once her photo was up she added in details about herself – where she lived, how old she was (29 still had the magic number ‘2’ in it), and what her hobbies were. For hobbies she wrote: blanket forts with my two dogs, but then quickly deleted it and wrote ‘writing, reading and taking my dog for a walk’ – incredibly dull but at least not a lie. Then, once she was done, she started searching for someone that caught her fancy.
It took two hours for Melissa to finally settle on someone, not because there was so little choice, but because there was so much choice. Why did I not do this before? She scolded herself. The man she eventually decided on looked nice but not amazing, and this was just what she was after. Not that she was trying to settle for second best but she was sure that if he looked amazing on his profile that he probably didn’t look so great in real life. Well, this was a theory she was going on anyway.
Matthew Bren
34 years old
Dark brown hair
Dark brown eyes
Likes the beach, good food and great conversation. Loves animals.
Melissa sent him a request and then waited patiently at her computer for something to happen. When her phone rang she jumped, and half expected it to be Matthew even though he obviously didn’t have her number.
“Hello?”
“It’s me. So, it’s day one… any news to share?”
“Well as a matter of fact I am trying my hand at internet dating. After some thorough searching I found a man and now I’m just waiting for him to reply. I’m literally staring at my computer screen.”
“You tried one man and now you’re sitting back and waiting?”
“Uh… yes.”
“Melissa! You shouldn’t just assume that one man is going to be the right one. Try at least ten. Or five if that freaks you out.”
“Five! But it feels like I’m cheating on Matthew if I do that.”
“You don’t even know Matthew.”
“Well I won’t if he finds out I’ve been contacting other men. Also he says he loves animals. He put that in his bio which means it must be true. And anyone who loves animals is worth the wait in my opinion. Because if you don’t accept me and my two dogs than I’ll show you the door. Wait… he replied.”
“Seriously?”
“Don’t act so surprised. Hang on, let me see what he says. Oooh. Hi Melissa. Thank you for contacting me. I would love to meet you tonight. Name the time and place and I’ll be there. Matthew. HA! I told you so. He’s the one. Day one and I’ve found my man!”
“Or you’ve found some weirdo who’s actually a teenage boy. I cannot wait to hear the outcome of this one. Can I come with?”
“Not a chance. But I will phone you when I get home, no matter what time it is.”
“Deal! Now I’ll get off the phone so that you can do your customary dance of joy.”
“Oh you know me so well.” And Melissa did just that the moment she hung up the phone.
***
Melissa was early when she arrived at the café. She wanted to make sure that she arrived before them in order to avoid the awkward moment of walking to the table alone. She had chosen a café which stayed open until late and offered an easy atmosphere to talk in. she toyed with the idea of a pub but was worried it would give off the wrong impression or cause them too much from nervousness and do something that they regret. When Matthew walked in she breathed a sigh of relief. He looked exactly like the photo that he had put up and when she got up to shake his hand she was even more pleased that he came in for a kiss on the cheek. “You’re prettier than your profile. That’s unusual.” He said and she laughed.
“I contemplated putting up something fake but I simply couldn’t deal with the look of disappointment that would’ve crossed your face the moment you saw me.”
“Well I’m not disappointed at all.”
As it turned out, Matthew was quite the catch. He became better looking with each passing comment and the more relaxed he became the more he laughed. And the more he laughed the more his dimples deepened. He was an architecture and seemed to be doing quite well for himself. He lived alone and had never been married. He loved good food and trying new restaurants but also loved cooking at home. He had big dreams and big motivations. He spoke well. He took good care of himself and while he was wearing a long sleeved shirt it was easy to see that underneath lay a body that worked out often. Also, he loved animals and wanted to know all about her two dogs. This was unusual. Normally she’d go on forever about her animals and watch as the man got more bored with each passing comment. Matthew was the opposite. He asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in them. He was, quite simply, almost too good to be true. So much so that Melissa couldn’t help but wonder what she was not seeing. She became more and more suspicious as the night went on and even though she had a wonderful time she was left with too many questions. Even when they parted he acted the gentlemen and promised to be in touch soon – offering her a smile that was far too dazzling to be real.
“So? Was he Mr. Perfect?” Carol asked the moment Melissa phoned her. Carol was whispering and Melissa knew that she was trying not to wake Mark. Thankfully, Melissa could hear him snoring and knew that not much would get his attention at that moment.
“He was. He was Mr. Absolutely Perfect.”
“Hmm… so why don’t you sound too sure?”
“Because nobody is perfect Carol. Nobody. And why would someone so perfect be on a dating site?”
“Well, YOU were on that dating site.”
“Yes, but I am NOT perfect.”
“Come on Melissa, you’re being too paranoid. You see, this is why you don’t have a man yet. Can’t you just accept the fact that he might simply be a nice guy looking for a nice girl and that you might be that nice girl.”
“Life just doesn’t work like that. Anyway, he was a good start to the project. But I simply must move onto the next one. I’ll call you after the next one!”
“You better.”
The next day Melissa received a message from Matthew, just as he had promised, thanking her for the wonderful date and asking her on another one. She quickly typed a message back to him saying that it was wonderful to meet him but that she was terribly busy this week. She hoped he would get the picture. She thought of his face and the way he had smiled at her and quickly put it out of her mind. No! Be strong. That man cannot be so nice. Stay away!
Her next plan was a simple one, and one that did not require all that much planning.
Strike up a conversation with a man and his dog at a park
Now this she could do. Firstly, she loved the park. Secondly, she loved animals more than she loved humans. She actually wondered if she had put this on her list because she wanted to find a dog instead of a man. Melissa owned two dachshunds, Long John Silver and Sir Jack (shortened to John and Jack) and they loved nothing more than going for walks at the park. Today was no different and the moment she got out their leash they started going mental. They always got so excited that she could barely secure them in and after ten minutes of craziness she finally got them to settle down. Then, Melissa did a quick look over in the mirror. It was the first time she had actually cared about what she wore to the park and the thought made her
giggle. Normally she just tied her hair up in a bun and put on some old leggings and a loose t-shirt. Today, however, she tried to make herself look good without looking too overdone. There was nothing worse than someone who was trying too hard for a walk in the park. In the end she opted for a high ponytail of clean hair so that it could swoop left to right as she walked. She put on a pair of leggings without holes, a tight crop top and a loose white vest over it. She put on her ‘runners’ shoes – which she had bought in a whim one day on a bid to become more fit. They were bright pink and luminous green and Melissa always felt like a fake in them. Now, however, she looked at herself up and down in the mirror and liked what she saw. I should make an effort more often.
Melissa walked out feeling confident about her mission ahead. When she got to the park she started a circular mission around where she knew there were always lots of people walking their dogs. She saw a guy waving at her from afar and she grinned. Wow! That was quick. I must be on fire today. She waved at him demurely and started walking towards him, all giggles and glee. It was only when she got near that she realized that he hadn’t been waving to her at all but rather to the girl behind her. Also, when he saw her walking towards him he pointed to her shoes and told her that she had stood in dog poo. Not the greatest start to her park mission. She quickly got out a tissue and wiped up the mess, looking sadly at her now messed up shoes and went to wipe them a bit more on the grass while the dogs tugged at their leads to walk more.
“Hang on guys!” She complained at them while trying to fix her shoes but as she shouted at them they saw a big dog walking towards them and they pulled harder than usual. The sudden and unexpected force caused her to let go of their leash and to fall flat on her face.
