The Year They Fell

by David Kreizman

  “I heard they were trending again last night? The Sunnies? And Maya Turner? Her dad is like an entertainment lawyer, I think? She said there might be a reality show? And I mean, you’re like part of the group, but not really, you know? I don’t know if you’d even be on it. It’s like you’re … I don’t know, famous adjace?”

  Adjace. Without knowing it, my new buddy Siobhan fucking Hughes had stumbled on the perfect definition of me. Adjace. As in adjacent. Next to.

  She finally stopped talking and I realized I should respond to the bullshit she was spouting. “Are you asking me if I’m jealous because their parents died in a fucking plane crash and mine didn’t?”

  “I didn’t ask anything? I was just trying to be a person to you? And I thought maybe you knew what’s going on with Josie?”

  “Why would I know about Josie? You’re her best friend.” I was … adjace. What kind of person did she think I was, that I would be bummed because my parents weren’t on that plane? Only a sick fuck would be jealous of kids whose parents died like that. Why, because everybody in the school suddenly started caring about them? Because they were pseudo celebrities who were going to get a reality show and had thousands of people wanting to be their friends? Because the four of them were now sitting at the same lunch table and would forever share a deep connection I could never understand? I was always on the outside anyway. It’s where I was most comfortable.

  We aren’t from here, Mami would say. So we have to work harder to fit in. Be respectful. Dress nice. Make friends.

  The worst part is, when Siobhan gave up on our conversation and walked away, this heavy wave of loneliness rolled over me. I can’t exactly explain it. She was a miserable turd of a person who didn’t care about me at all. She was also the only person to talk to me in the hallway in the three weeks since school started. Not one actual conversation since Connor and Michaela graduated last year.

  Connor and Michaela were my two best friends. My only two friends. We liked the same bands and wore the same clothes. Connor was an awesome bass player with the dopest green hair. Michaela and I got piercings together at the mall and bitched about our parents. They were a couple, but they never made me feel like some third wheel. And Michaela helped me with my makeup even though she was naturally pale and didn’t have to work as hard. They brought me vegan lunch and I shared the pills I swiped from Papi’s stash. We’d meet out in the woods behind school and wash them down with energy drinks and rip on the sheep roaming the hallways at RBHS.

  Connor and Michaela didn’t judge me or make me feel like some kind of freak the way everybody else did. They didn’t even make it weird that I was in love with Connor. Not that we ever talked about it. I tried to hide my feelings as best I could, but one time I heard them talking.

  You don’t think it’s, like, awkward or whatever? he’d asked.

  I think it’s cute. Who wouldn’t have a crush on you?

  Not that I ever wanted to get between them. They were the first real friends I’d had since Josie and the crew, and I wasn’t looking to screw that up. But still, what if Connor truly loved me instead of her and was just trying not to hurt her feelings? Even Michaela wouldn’t want that, right?

  Near the end of junior year, Michaela was in Florida for her grandmother’s eightieth birthday party. I texted Connor to see what he was up to and he invited me to come hang out. I figured we’d get high in his yard like normal and I’d stumble on home. When I showed up at his house, he was waiting in his basement. His parents were out for the night, so we snagged a bottle of vodka from their bar and watched Paranormal Activity 3. I actually hate scary movies and had my eyes closed through half of it, but I didn’t want to say anything—not with Connor sitting so close to me. And when he leaned over, nuzzled my neck, and touched my breast, I was pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. I knew I was breaking a million rules by hooking up with my best friend’s guy. But he was kissing me and it was moving really fast and I realized this was it. Connor was going to be the guy to take my virginity, and it felt so right. And even though it didn’t last long and afterward he said he was tired and had to get up early in the morning, I felt like I’d been waiting for this moment forever. I knew it would be painful once Michaela came back, but we’d figure it out somehow. We were connected. She’d see how my being with Connor would make everything better in my life. The constant shitshow of the last few years. Papi’s depression, the hell of school, Mami’s secrets … It was all going to be better now.

  When Michaela came home, things were even less weird than I thought. Connor never a said a word to her about what happened between us. Never said a word to me either. It was like it hadn’t happened at all. After a few weeks, I started to wonder if I’d been so drunk that I’d imagined the whole thing. I kept trying to bring it up to him, but we were never alone again. Not ever. At the end of the summer, Connor and Michaela showed up at my house to say goodbye before they left for college. When I opened the door, I almost didn’t recognize them. Michaela had taken the piercings out of her nose and Connor’s hair was almost fully grown-out brown. He was wearing a red University of Maryland T-shirt and a pair of khaki cargo shorts. He wished me well and told me to have a great senior year and what a great friend I was. They hugged me goodbye and promised to text, and then the love of my life and my only two friends in the whole world were gone.

  I stood at the mirror in the bathroom checking my makeup. At the next sink, a ninth-grade girl splashed water on her face. It looked so refreshing. My makeup would never survive a washing like that. Sometimes I wished I could just wipe it all off and start clean. Be the girl with the naturally brown skin and the freckles and the wavy hair. But that felt scary, to be that exposed. I needed my layers.

  A toilet flushed and Josie walked out of the stall. She walked to the sink next to mine. Her clothes, her skin, and her hair were flawless. But as our eyes met in the mirror, I could see hers held a spiderweb of red lines.

  “Hi,” Josie said, like it was the most natural thing in the world. She took the open sink beside me.

  “Hi.” As we stood next to each other, I let Josie know that I was here if she needed me, that it didn’t matter what had happened over the last three or four years. What we had was bigger than that. Older. Meeting Josie was one of my first memories. We’d just moved from Patterson, where everyone we knew spoke Spanish. Cousins and neighbors. Even our landlord. We might as well have still been in Costa Rica. But Papi wanted us to be capital A American. Go to an American school, make American friends. So as soon as he had the money, he moved us to River Bank, which felt like a different country. I stood on the playground and watched all the kids playing and yelling and singing. When they talked they looked to me like chickens. Making all kinds of clucking sounds without hardly moving their mouths. I tried talking to a couple of girls playing dress-up, but they stared at me like I was from another planet.

  And then Josie walked up to me.

  You’re Dayana.

  I nodded.

  Josie, she said. Josie. I. Am. Your. Friend.

  And just like that, she was. She helped me learn English. She was there when things were good in my family, when the American dream was alive and well in mi casa. And she was with me ten years later when Papi’s dream crashed and burned. But when we had to move to a smaller house in a worse neighborhood, I didn’t want her to see it. I pulled away. And then she pulled away, too. But now if Josie wanted to talk or just hang out, I’d be there for her. I owed it to her because of our history. And because my parents survived.

  Okay, so I didn’t actually say any of that out loud. I said it in a look and a nod before she left the bathroom. I hoped Josie got it. I thought about Siobhan’s accusation. What kind of person would I be if I had thoughts like that? Wishing my parents died just so I could be close to Josie again? Part of the group? Disgusting.

  I was not jealous. Not even a little bit.

  * * *

  When you roam the halls at school and no one talks to you, yo
u notice things. I knew when people got haircuts or gained weight. I knew which married teachers flirted with each other. I saw breakups happening before the couples themselves did. So I wasn’t shocked when I saw Harrison slipping into Mr. Unsinger’s supply closet before lunch. I’d seen him come out of there before. He’d swivel around to make sure no one had spotted him and then disappear down the hall. I didn’t know what he did in there and I have to admit I was kinda curious.

  This was the first time I’d actually seen Harrison going into the janitor’s closet. If it was possible, he looked even worse going in than he did coming out. He was panting and sweating and desperately loping toward the door. I waited outside and tried to listen in. I didn’t want to get all up in his business, but I did want to make sure he wasn’t having a heart attack or some shit. When he finally came out almost ten minutes later, he walked right past me toward the lunchroom. His hair was matted down, but he was breathing better, and at the very least he wasn’t dead.

  I followed a few steps behind him as he lurched into the cafetorium and sat down in the middle of Josie’s table. I couldn’t believe that he and Archie were still there. I thought for sure it would last a day or two, but somehow Siobhan and the others hadn’t gotten tired of them yet. As long as social media was still hot on the Sunny Horizon orphans, then by God, so were the popular chicks of River Bank High.

  Every day I sat at my table in the back corner watching them, wondering when the natural order of things would be restored, waiting for it all to implode. And then finally, one day it did. When I heard loud voices coming from Josie’s table, I slid into the lunch line near the table to see what was going on.

  Cody was arguing with Siobhan and not even trying to keep his voice down. “Look, I’m sorry, Shibs. I’m all for charity, but this isn’t working. One says weird things and eats like an animal. And the other one is always looking at Josie. And what the fuck is he drawing?”

  Archie stammered, “No, I—I don’t.”

  Siobhan tried to pull Cody away from Archie and Harrison. “Don’t be a dick, okay? I mean, I know they’re a mess, but these two lost their parents? Don’t you read my posts? They’re just like Jack and Josie, if Jack and Josie weren’t rich and hot and cool? I mean, it’s fucking tragic?”

  “Like you care about them, Siobhan,” Josie snapped, standing up at the end of the table. “What’s going to happen when some other tragedy hits and the Sunnies aren’t trending anymore? Do we just tell them to go back where they came from?”

  Archie picked his head up from his sketchbook. “It’s okay, Josie. Really. Everybody’s cool to us. Right, Harrison? It’s a good place to eat. Close to the kitchen and not too close to the garbage.”

  “See,” said Cody. “This is what I’m talking about, Josie.”

  Harrison kept on eating, even as Jack stepped his massive frame into the mix and glared down at Archie. “Was this the game plan when you had your aunt write that blog? Is sitting at the popular table everything you hoped it would be?”

  Archie looked over at Josie. “It’s not like that. Josie, you know I’d never—”

  Cody grabbed Archie by the collar of his plaid shirt. “I’m over this. Sorry for your loss. Time to go.”

  Josie begged him to leave Archie alone while Harrison kept his head down, slurping his chicken noodle soup. Cody yanked Archie up and out of his chair. Archie didn’t struggle at all. But before Cody could launch him to the other side of the room, Jack grabbed Cody’s arm and effortlessly ripped it from Archie’s shirt.

  “What the fuck, dude?” Cody shoved Jack, and Jack shoved him back, twice as hard. Once he caught his balance, Cody grabbed Archie again. Jack went for him, but another giant football player put himself in Jack’s way. Josie rushed up and gave that guy a push, and then two cheerleaders got in Josie’s face, and without thinking, I ran and threw my body into one of them.

  It all happened in a blur. Bodies pushing against each other. Food spilling off the table. Everyone yelling and cursing. Someone blowing a whistle. I got knocked into the table, stomach first. I looked back as Cody was lifting Archie off the ground. Suddenly a wild fist came flying in from the side and connected with Cody’s jaw with a loud crack. Stunned, he let out a whimper as he fell right on his ass and peered up to see Harrison standing over him, fist still clenched, a blank expression on his face.

  * * *

  The principal, Mrs. Walters, seemed more sad than angry when she called us into her office. She spent a lot of time playing with her helmet of hair while telling Jack, Josie, Harrison, and Archie how terribly sorry she was about their parents. She wanted them to know that the administration would help in any way they could and she’d of course work with them to smooth out this regrettable situation.

  Her expression hardened as she turned to me. “Ms. Calderón, we both know this is hardly the first time you’ve been in this office. We’ve talked about your attitude and your unwillingness to adhere to our school guidelines. Unlike your classmates, you have no excuse for your behavior or for getting involved in this incident in the first place. Therefore, I’m giving you two weeks detention.”

  Whatever.

  She let Jack, Josie, and Archie off with a warning that was more like a condolence card. Then Mrs. Walters turned her attention on Harrison. “It pains me to say this,” she said sincerely. “You are the most dedicated student in our senior class. Your mother was a driving force behind our enrichment program, and our entire community feels her loss. You have a perfect attendance record and a clear path to being valedictorian. However, Harrison, when it comes to violence, we have a zero tolerance policy. Several witnesses confirm that you struck another student in the face.”

  Harrison finally spoke up. “It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.”

  I grabbed his hand. “No more talking,” I whispered.

  Mrs. Walters explained that she had no choice but to suspend Harrison for one week. Harrison barely reacted to the news that his perfect attendance record was about to be shitcanned. Instead he flexed his hand and stared at the bruises on his knuckles.

  Principal Walters dismissed us from her office, and we all stood around outside the door, waiting for someone to say something. Harrison started to wander off and I snatched his arm. “You okay with this?”

  He shrugged. “It’s not like she’s going to call home and get me in trouble.”

  “But what if she finds out you’re not living with anyone?”

  “I gave one of my neighbors some money. He’ll pretend to be my father if I need him to. Nobody at the school’s ever met my pop anyway.”

  “You’ve got it all figured out.”

  “Mom always wanted me to be prepared if I … If I was alone.”

  “Hey, anytime you want, you can come over for dinner. Papi will pick up some Chinese or something.”

  “You eat Chinese?”

  “Yes, we Latinx people eat Chinese food, too.”

  “I meant because you’re a vegan. Mostly.”

  “How did you know that?” I asked.

  Harrison shrugged. “Hey, did you see the punch?”

  “I think the whole fucking world saw it.”

  “Did it look … It was pretty solid, right? Never mind. Hey, um, Jack, do you need me to come tutor you next week? I have a lot of time on my hands now.”

  Jack looked down at the ground. “No, I’m good. We can end that now.”

  “Oh, all right,” said Harrison. “I was hoping we could talk though.”

  “About what?” asked Jack.

  “I was wondering. Did your dad do any business with Fort Benson, the army base where Archie’s father worked and Dayana’s dad used to— What I’m asking is, did he have dealings with the government at all? I know he had some big clients. Maybe he did some casework for the military or—”

  Jack cut him off. “Why are you asking this?”

  “Yeah,” said Archie. “What are you talking about?”

  “So you don’t know if your father
had any government connections?” Harrison continued. “Did he ever talk about it or meet with guys in uniforms or—”

  “What are you doing, Harrison?” snapped Josie. “These questions are creepy and we have to get back to class. This day is already such a mess.” Jack and Josie walked off down the hall. Archie looked crushed as he headed in the opposite direction, leaving me alone with Harrison.

  “You want a ride home?” he asked. “I’ve got my mother’s car. Although I think you should drive.”

  “Why?”

  “The medication I took warned against driving or operating heavy machinery.”

  “Medication? Are you talking about the pills I left for you? What did you take?”

  He scratched his head in an exaggerated display of thinking. “The green ones. WebMD said they help ease anxiety. I took several before lunch. They really work! I may have just screwed up my whole life and I don’t feel anxious about it at all!”

  It was then that I noticed his giant dilated pupils. “Oh my God,” I said. “You’re fucked-up.”

  “You have no idea.”

  8

  JOSIE

  Have you ever seen a snail out of its shell? It’s just this soft, gooey mess of a creature with no way to protect itself. The simplest thing can hurt it. Rain, salt …

  Archie sitting at my lunch table. I knew I was treating him horribly. Like what did he ever do wrong except be there for me at the two worst times in my life? But when he looked at me with those deep brown eyes, my shell was gone. No matter how hard I worked to be perfect, to get my outfits right, my hair right, my life right—Archie knew. He saw underneath.

  Archie and Harrison and Dayana, they were part of a different life—one I had to leave behind. It had taken me three years to build all of this. My table. My squad. Josie Clay. What was I supposed to tell Siobhan? Sorry, but being near this sweet, creative guy makes me feel dirty and disgusting because he knows what I did when I was fourteen. What would I tell Cody? He’d never look at me the same again.