by Neil LaBute
MAN … I just meant …
WOMAN I get it. I do. It’s okay.
MAN Yeah, but …
WOMAN It just always seems to come up for us. You know? When the opposite sex spends more than … like … whatever … half an hour around each other …
MAN I really wasn’t trying to … you know./ It wasn’t “code.” Me saying that.
WOMAN Alright./ Okay.
MAN Promise.
WOMAN Fine. I believe you.
They run a bit further in silence. Chugging away down the path in front of them.
WOMAN I mean … we barely know each other …
MAN True.
WOMAN It was an innocent mention of the subject and so no harm done … right?
MAN Pretty much.
WOMAN “Pretty much?”
MAN I mean … yes …
WOMAN You don’t seem completely sure …
MAN I think I am. Pretty mostly.
WOMAN Ha! “Pretty mostly.” That’s a new one! (Smiling.) Still …
MAN Yeah.
WOMAN So … then … which was it?
MAN I’m … you know what? I’m a little bit lost now … so …
WOMAN That’s alright. That’s cool.
They slow for a second. The WOMAN holding up her hand.
WOMAN Should we steer clear, then? Or …
MAN Of … what?
WOMAN Please.
MAN You mean … “sex?”
WOMAN I do.
MAN Ummmmmmmmmmmm …
WOMAN Happy to, if that’s better … or we can …
MAN Wait, just … wait. Hold up.
Another few feet and they come to a stop. Both of them sucking down air, catching their breath.
MAN So … do you wanna talk about it with me or not …? (Beat.) I’m getting different signals here …
WOMAN I mean … just as a topic. If you do.
MAN … alright …
The MAN drinks from one of those strange little water bottles that he wears on a belt around his waist.
He offers the WOMAN a drink. She shakes her head “No.”
WOMAN Still good for you guys?
MAN What’s that?
WOMAN You know.
MAN “Sex,” you mean?
WOMAN I do.
MAN Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …
WOMAN That’s actually an answer you just gave me there. Just so you know … silence is always an answer.
MAN Ha! (Beat.) Is it?
WOMAN Kinda.
MAN Yeah. It probably is …
WOMAN It totally is.
MAN Well … then it is. (Beat.) Although I did make a sound. “Ummmmmm.” I wasn’t silent.
WOMAN Fair enough.
MAN Let’s just say … that’s pretty much on her “list” as well … these days.
WOMAN Ooooohhhh … really?
MAN Yep. (Beat.) Top five, probably.
WOMAN Wow.
MAN And climbing …
WOMAN Ha!
MAN So … yeah … not her number one priority any more. (Beat.) SEX./ Or, sex with me, anyway …
WOMAN Got it./ Understood.
MAN … and you?
WOMAN …
MAN Alright then.
The WOMAN nods at this, then looks up, checking the sun.
WOMAN Shall we?
MAN You bet. Got a few more “K” to go …
WOMAN Yes! “Miles to go before we sleep …” (Smiles.) Or something like that!
MAN What’s that?
WOMAN Oh … nothing … from a poem. I think.
MAN Cool. (Laughs.) Another thing I swore I wouldn’t use later in life …
WOMAN Poetry?
MAN All that shit. Reading … English Lit.
WOMAN And look … I just proved you wrong!
MAN No, that’s not … you used it. Not me.
WOMAN Okay, that’s … well, yeah. That’s true.
MAN And see? (Smiles.) Even that poet was smart enough to use miles in his poem and not all that other crap … meters and shit.
WOMAN Ha!
MAN I’m just saying!
WOMAN “Meters to go before I sleep …” (Smiles.) You really are funny.
MAN Thank you.
WOMAN I like that …
MAN Thanks.
They stand for a long moment, staring at each other. This could go either way with just one more gesture.
WOMAN Anyway … (Beat.) Come on, let’s get going before … we …
MAN What?
WOMAN Nothing. (Beat.) Before it gets too late. (Beat.) I’m due back soon …
MAN Right. (Beat.) Right …
They start to run again. Pounding down the path through the woods.
WOMAN This is nice.
MAN Agreed. Totally.
WOMAN You usually go around noon, you say?
MAN Yeah … a lot of the time. (Beat.) I’m self-employed so I’ve got a little bit of …
WOMAN Leeway?
MAN Yeah. Free during the day. If I need to be … (Beat.) Within reason.
WOMAN That’s nice. (Beat.) Being your own boss, I mean …
He nods and takes another drink while he’s running. After he’s done, he offers it to the WOMAN. She mimes “No.” He puts the bottle away on his belt.
MAN And you?
WOMAN I’m … ummmmm … ok. (Beat.) A confession …
MAN … alright …
WOMAN My daughter’s at home.
MAN … okay …
WOMAN Sleeping.
MAN Oh. (Beat.) You mean … now …?
WOMAN Sort of …
MAN Alright. (Beat.) Sorry, I’m …
WOMAN She’s home alone.
MAN Oh.
WOMAN Without me. I do that sometimes …
MAN Really?
WOMAN Yes. I’ll wait until she’s asleep and then I go out. Running, usually. (Beat.) Occasionally errands or just … maybe shopping—not for me, but groceries or—but it’s usually exercise … just for an hour. Or so. No more than that, but … yeah. I do that. (Beat.) Is that horrible?
MAN … no …
WOMAN Ha! God … it sounds like it …
MAN I mean …
WOMAN You can say it.
MAN No, I just … you know …
WOMAN Go ahead.
MAN Just … technically … I don’t think that you’re supposed to … like … leave babies on their own …
WOMAN She’s two.
MAN Still.
WOMAN She’s a big two. 100th percentile in almost all of those categories … but yes. You’re right. They advise against it … and it’s commonly looked down upon.
MAN Categories?
WOMAN You know … the baby categories … the ones they check. Weight and height and, and … that sort of stuff …
MAN Oh. Right. The “categories …” (Beat.) So, well … that’s good … she’s big.
WOMAN Ha! BUT.
MAN Yeah. But it’s still kinda frowned upon.
WOMAN I get it. (Beat.) I know.
MAN I’m not judging you …
WOMAN Thank you. (Beat.) That’s rare …
MAN Excuse me?
WOMAN No, not from you! I didn’t mean … in my life. That’s what I’m saying. There’s a lot of judgment going on in my life … that’s what I meant. Personally.
MAN I see. (Beat.) Husband?
WOMAN Him. Mother-in-Law. People at church …
MAN Neighbors?
WOMAN Thankfully, no! (Beat.) We live in a nice little … it’s quiet. A cul-de-sac, but at one end. Not on a through street.
MAN Great.
WOMAN It’s a beautiful house …
MAN Sounds like it.
WOMAN (Pointing.) It’s just … right over there …
MAN Oh. Yeah?
WOMAN Yes. “Whispering Pines.” Do you know it?
MAN Ummmmm … sure … yeah. The subdivision … over there. Right off of Hobart. Right?
WOMAN That’s it.
>
MAN Great houses in there.
WOMAN Yes.
MAN That’s …
WOMAN You’re judging me.
MAN No. Not at all. (Beat.) Promise.
WOMAN Thank you …
MAN It’s hard … I know that it is …
WOMAN It’s … (Beat.) I used to bring my baby monitor over here and try to … but it’s out of range. Sometimes you might get a little something … a few beeps or whatnot … but mostly nothing. (Beat.) I did used to do that. For a while.
MAN Yeah, they’re made for … you know …
WOMAN Right. (Beat.) Closer.
MAN Uh-huh. And …?
WOMAN Nothing. I just come over here … to run. For an hour.
MAN Oh.
WOMAN I’ll wait to make sure that she’s out and I drive over here and do my stretches … and then I hit the trail … I can do the whole loop in about an hour … and then I go right back home. (Beat.) Well. Usually. (Beat.) I’ve only ever come in and she was up twice. And awake. Or crying. (Beat.) I mean that … just twice.
MAN Ok.
WOMAN If you think I’m terrible you can just say so …
MAN No, that’s … I mean … who am I to judge you on that? Right?
WOMAN I guess.
MAN Honestly. It’s so tough being a parent. (Beat.) I’ve done stuff … like … I mean, small stuff, obviously, but … I’ve run in the drug store—this was before they put in the drive-thru—and left them in the car for a few minutes. The boys … you’re not supposed to do that. Right?/ Not on a hot day, but still.
WOMAN True./ Right.
MAN Or … or … at the water park once … this was a few years back, but … I lost track of one of them. “Ethan.” My youngest. I lost sight of him for … I turned for a second, for just, like, one second and … BAM! He’s gone. This huge crowd. People everywhere and kids all look the same … it was total panic. Shit. Unreal.
WOMAN But … everything was okay …?
MAN Yeah. Sure. (Beat.) Eventually …
WOMAN Oh no. (Beat.) What happened?
MAN You know. The routine. (Beat.) Calling in security … and the P.A. announcements … all of that stuff … my wife just, like, shooting daggers into my back the whole time … (Beat.) I don’t think she’s ever really forgiven me for that …
WOMAN Oh … God …
MAN Yeah. (Beat.) So … yeah … I get it … your coming over here. For this. (Beat.) End of story: Ethan went to the bathroom. Alone. Half-hour of me shitting myself in public but Ethan? He was fine. Toilet paper hanging off his flip-flops and this big smile on his face … like nothing happened. (Beat.) And nothing did happen …
As they jog he reaches a hand out to her. She takes it and squeezes it. They glance at each other. A smile.
She lets go of his hand and they turn back to their work-out. Both sweating now and burning up ground.
MAN SO … you can’t bring her with you … or no family available, or … you know, like … a sitter … or anything? For your workouts, I’m saying …
WOMAN Not that I’ve been able to … my husband is a bit of a … I don’t wanna say it …
MAN No, I get it.
WOMAN Doesn’t want just any-body touching our child.
MAN Got it.
WOMAN And we’re both not local, so … there’s no family or … you know …
MAN Right, but … I mean … people need relief.
WOMAN …
MAN You can’t be on duty all the time. Without help. With a child (Beat.) I’m sorry, but that’s … you can go crazy doing that.
WOMAN I know.
MAN No, but I mean, they’ve done studies … post-partum depression and, and … even without that … just the stress of trying to be a good parent … and no sleep … it’s seriously dangerous … (Beat.) Seriously.
WOMAN Thank you.
MAN I’m not being nice here. Really. I’m not.
WOMAN Well, it sure seems like it …
MAN Not for you, that’s what I’m saying … I’m not just saying this for you. To make you feel good. (Beat.) It’s the truth.
WOMAN I appreciate that …
MAN Sure. (Beat.) I don’t think leaving your little—Giselle—leaving her alone, that maybe isn’t the answer … but …
WOMAN Right.
MAN You need help. Plain and simple. (Beat.) Not mental, I don’t mean that …
WOMAN … I probably do, though …
MAN Maybe, but right now you need a person. A real, live person to help you … give you some assistance … support …
WOMAN I dream about that sometimes …
MAN Yeah?
WOMAN That kind of thing. A “helper.”
MAN I can see why.
WOMAN Not a “helper,” per se, but, like … a plumber.
MAN A plumber?
WOMAN You know … from the porno films?
MAN I’m … are you kidding? Right now?
WOMAN Yes! Of course I am!
MAN Oh.
WOMAN But I do think about someone who just … a different life, I guess …
MAN Huh.
WOMAN I guess I don’t actually think that much about my daughter when I’m dreaming about it, so … that’s not very …
MAN No?
WOMAN No. So it’s actually more of a new life. Kind of. Thing. (Beat.) I think more about someone—it’s a man, usually—some man who actually loves me. Loves me in a way that’s so obvious and pure … someone who wants to be around me … would do anything for me … laughs at my jokes and stuff … (Beat.) Just … stupid shit like that.
MAN That’s not … so … you know. Outrageous. To want that.
WOMAN No?
MAN I don’t think so. At all.
Silence for a beat while they continue to jog along.
WOMAN Well … it seems pretty far away right now. In my life, anyway.
MAN Yeah. I know. I’m sure.
WOMAN But that’s what I think about … when I’m alone out here. On the trail. Or in bed.
MAN A man?
WOMAN Yes.
They run in silence for a moment. The MAN considering all of this.
MAN What kind of man is he? (Beat.) Is he … like … a nice man?
WOMAN Yes, he is …
MAN I figured he would be. (Beat.) And kind?
WOMAN Very kind. To me, he is … and funny. I love funny!
MAN I see. And handsome, probably?
WOMAN Yes … but not completely … not so much that it ruins him, at least …
MAN Ahhh. (Beat.) That kind of handsome.
WOMAN Yes. (Beat.) He’s rugged. An athlete. A runner.
MAN Got it.
WOMAN Not too tall …
MAN No?
WOMAN No … and it doesn’t bother him … that I’m taller than he is …
MAN Nice.
WOMAN In fact, he likes it. Finds it amusing.
MAN Really? “Amusing?”
WOMAN Of course. He’s not a surface person, so it makes sense … to him …
MAN Uh-huh.
WOMAN He’s in shape … he adores me … all that stuff. (Beat.) The stuff we dream about.
MAN Who?
WOMAN Women.
MAN Guys, too. (Beat.) In a partner, I mean … we’ve all got fantasies. (Beat.) That’s not a crime … (Beat.) Right?
WOMAN I don’t think so. As long as they stay that way …
MAN And … is that what you’re planning to do? Keep ’em that way? (Beat.) Your …?
WOMAN I am … yes … for as long as possible …
MAN Got it.
WOMAN I’m going to live my life, the life that I chose for myself and committed myself to … with my daughter and my husband …
MAN … right …
WOMAN But in my head … my mind … I’m gonna live this other life … a dream life … with the man I mentioned. My help mate. My “soul” mate.
MAN I see.
WOMAN Just him. And me. Alone together.<
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MAN Nice.
WOMAN And we’re gonna be so happy …
MAN I bet you will be …
WOMAN And I’m gonna do everything he asks me to do … everything he ever dreamed of doing as a person … dreamed of doing with a woman …
MAN … wow …
WOMAN Everything …
MAN Yeah …?
WOMAN Yes …
MAN Everything?
WOMAN Things I’ve only yearned for before now.
MAN “Things?”
WOMAN Yes.
MAN THINGS.
WOMAN Yes. And other stuff, too …
MAN … oh God. “Stuff.”
WOMAN Without worry. Without regret. Over and over and over again …
MAN … you and him …/ Him and …/ And …
WOMAN Yes …/ Yes …/ Yes. Oh yes.
MAN … oh shit …
The MAN turns from her, obviously adjusting himself. His underwear. Fighting an erection or something.
They stop for a moment while he fixes himself. The WOMAN waits and stretches. Smiles to herself.
WOMAN Are you alright?
MAN Yes. Sorry. All good. It’s all good here. (Pointing.) Cramp …
The MAN gets himself under control. Takes another gulp of water. Holds it out for her.
She declines and waits for him. Checks her Fitbit.
WOMAN Almost done …
MAN Sorry?
WOMAN We’re almost there … my thingie just lit up. My Fitbit. We have over 6,000 steps and, like … twenty-some active minutes, so … that’s …
MAN Is that good?
WOMAN That’s pretty good.
MAN Great.
A long moment where they are close to each other. Inching a bit nearer to one another with each word or phrase. Almost kissing.
WOMAN So …/ Should we …?/ Ok./ What?/ Yeah?/To …?/ Right. (Beat.) Right …
MAN Yeah./ Yes. Let’s …/ No, you know what?/ We should probably go./ Time to get back now./ To reality … I guess.
They pull back and start jogging again. Taking in the sun and the outdoors and all the rest of it.
A glance at each other, then back to the trail. Silence.
WOMAN Feels so nice to get out, even for just a little bit …
MAN Yeah. It’s terrific. Exercise.
WOMAN Yep.
MAN I’m … you know … trying to do it on a regular basis these days … like I said before …
WOMAN Right.
MAN When I can.
WOMAN Around noon.
MAN Most times. Or mornings … I can usually do mornings, too. (Beat.) My wife works four days a week—at a flower shop—so I’m pretty good … once the boys are …
WOMAN Mornings are good for me, too.
