Mess with Me

by Nicole Helm

  She needed space and time to build up all those defenses. To hide the hurt and say it was fine.

  It was just, she couldn’t stand to do that cuddled up with him, or with him naked and next to her on her bed. She couldn’t do it with him here, and so Sam, it hurt.

  “Could you just leave?”

  His jaw actually dropped, his eyes wide and disbelieving. He slowly pushed into a sitting position, pushing fingers through his hair. “Okay,” he said, his tone so even and calm. “We’ve had an emotional night with a lot of firsts and things we didn’t plan. Let’s calm down and talk about it.”

  Talk about it? The tears threatened more, multiplying behind her eyes, a burn she couldn’t seem to fight. She couldn’t stand the thought of him understanding. She couldn’t stand the thought of him seeing this was what she always was to people: someone to hide, who didn’t fit into anyone’s plans.

  Well, the fear was back. A hard punch hidden behind the words our secret.

  “Get dressed, please.” Hayley practically slapped the tears off her cheeks, so angry she was that they’d fallen. “I want you to go.”

  “Hayley. You can’t make me go. You can be upset, but let’s talk about—”

  She turned and walked out of the room, incapable of looking at him for another moment. He was so strong and perfect, and how could this be spiraling so out of control? But she didn’t want to be his secret, and she was tired of that being what love meant.

  She should tell him that. She should stand up to him like she always did, and when she whirled around, he was stalking after her. He’d pulled on boxers, but the rest of his clothes were in the living room.

  And she couldn’t . . . She’d lost whatever strength she’d had when it came to him. This was what her mother had meant all those years, warning her about the dangers of sex. It was this horrible realization you’d have to crack yourself open for it to make any sense.

  Why on earth would she want to do that? She’d learned how to crack him open, but doing it herself was so mind-numbingly frightening she couldn’t even imagine it.

  “I told you that I love you and you kick me out because I said one thing that upset you?” he demanded.

  She hugged herself, counting and hating every tear that dripped down her cheek. “Please go.”

  “So you’re not even going to talk about it? Not even acknowledge whatever this is?”

  She stalked to the front door and jerked it open, even though he was undressed. She couldn’t take this. It was crushing her.

  He jammed his limbs into his pants, and then his shirt, then put on his socks and shoes. He glared as he stalked toward her and the open door that led out into a cool early morning.

  “I don’t know why you’re doing this—”

  “Maybe sex switched our bodies,” she offered, trying for offhanded, for anything that would make him stop advancing on her and looking at her like she’d hurt him.

  This wasn’t about him. It was all about her and how much she couldn’t give this to him. Secrets or love. No, maybe she finally realized what her whole life had been trying to tell her.

  She wasn’t equipped for love, for belonging. She was too scared. She was never what anyone actually wanted. Not openly, anyway.

  “You can’t push me out like this. You can’t refuse to tell me what’s happening.”

  “Yes, I can. That’s what I’m doing.” She wanted to shove him out the door, except she was afraid if she touched him her fingers would curl around him and hold on against her will.

  “Then you’re going to have to boot me out on my ass, because I’m not moving another step until you tell me.”

  She was angry enough that that’s exactly what she tried to do. Ignoring the fear of holding on, she grabbed his arm and pulled. He didn’t move a centimeter. She stomped around him and pushed and pushed, but he was immovable.

  “I won’t be a dirty little secret!” she yelled, overloud, everything inside of her shaking and off-kilter. She pushed him again. Harder and harder, but he didn’t budge. “I won’t be your secret, so get the hell out of my apartment and leave me alone.”

  “Hayley.” Everything about him had softened, enough that her next shove moved him a tiny shuffle step. She tried again, but he’d firmed back up and took her arms. “Stop, baby. That isn’t what I meant. That isn’t what I meant at all. Talk to me.”

  “No!” It was her greatest shame that it was said on a sob, that she knew she was making an absolute fool of herself. Why couldn’t he leave? She needed space to lock it all down and then it would be fine and they could go on as they were, but this was messing everything up.

  “The secret thing, Hayley. Hayley, stop. It isn’t about you. It’s about us. About your relationship with Brandon and Will. It’s complicated, and—”

  “And none of your business! And . . . and . . . I know what secrets mean. I know what that means.”

  “Apparently you don’t.”

  She recognized that voice, that old-Sam intimidating growl. It wouldn’t sway her, she wouldn’t let it.

  “Go.”

  He glared at her, something icy and grave in those blue eyes she’d been very nearly obsessed with. “Fine. You don’t want to talk or listen—all things I’ll point out you’ve made me do—that’s fine. I’ll go. You can get your shit together and come to me when you’re ready to have an adult conversation.”

  Which was all she’d asked of him in the first place. To give her time and space to be calm and rational. Put it away where she put all the other hurts she didn’t want to face.

  Sound a little like what you’ve been poking Sam for the past few months?

  Worst of all, he stood there, as though he was waiting for her to change her mind. As if he thought she could handle this.

  He’d been the one to turn the tables. To make this about love and feelings and . . . and secrets.

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “Goodbye, Sam,” she managed to squeak out.

  “Unfuckingbelievable,” he muttered, but he grabbed his jacket and moved, slowly, into the hall, and when he turned to say one last thing, she shut the door in his face.

  It was wrong, and probably terrible. Everything felt wrong and terrible. She sank against the door, all the way to the floor, and since he was gone, she allowed herself to cry.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Sam’s foul temper worsened with every passing day. Hayley avoided him so completely, he was always shocked to hear she’d been into the Mile High offices at all.

  He could go to her, he could force some sort of confrontation, but whether it was pride or the fact he was hurt and didn’t want to admit it, he kept his distance too.

  By day five, he was in some weird kind of numb shock. Five days—five—and she was still pretending he, oh, hadn’t said I love you, certainly hadn’t taken her virginity, and that everything she’d said that night was a lie.

  It didn’t help that Will was in his own foul temper, and Sam had even less inclination than normal to figure it out.

  He figured they’d punch it out of each other eventually. On that fifth afternoon of Will sniping at him, after five nights of little-to-no sleep, Sam was about ready to take those blows in the middle of Mile High headquarters.

  “You two don’t stop circling each other, I’m going to get the hose out,” Skeet muttered.

  “Lilly’d kill you if you waterlogged the living room,” Will replied, his sharp gaze never leaving Sam’s irritable one.

  “Something’s got to knock some sense into you two snarling idiots.”

  “All I need to do is put away my equipment,” Sam said, not even bothering for a civil tone anymore. Will wanted a fight? Hey, he would damn well give one. “So, why don’t you get your pansy, whiny ass out of my way.”

  Whatever scuffle was seconds away from breaking out was quickly and efficiently ended by one clear-cut sound.

  Climbing gear clanking onto the floor.

  Sam and Will both looked to the spot behind Will wher
e Brandon now stood, having tossed four sets of climbing gear to the ground, so reminiscent of Sam a few months ago, Sam couldn’t possibly miss the connection.

  Or how different his life had become, how different he’d become, and he was letting Hayley, of all people, nudge him back into that surly coward of a beast he’d been.

  Seriously, what was wrong with him?

  Lilly appeared from behind Brandon, and Will groaned. “I know you two are married and all that, but I doubt you should be climbing in your condition, Lilly. And I don’t mean pregnancy, I mean clumsy.”

  “First of all, William, I am not clumsy. Mostly. Secondly, I don’t plan on climbing. I plan on facilitating the bet.” Lilly clasped her hands at her stomach, all regal grace. Sam might have smiled if he didn’t feel like his heart was being slowly torn from his body.

  Which wasn’t the first time. The first time had been losing his sister under his own watch. This time it was a woman who wouldn’t even let him explain.

  And you’re going to listen to her?

  “The climb will be the same one you three did not so very long ago, and the bet is as follows.”

  “Didn’t know getting married put Lilly in charge of everything, including your mouth,” Will grumbled.

  “Shut the fuck up and listen.” Brandon smiled. “My wife is talking and I expect you to pay her some respect.”

  Lilly continued as if Will and Brandon hadn’t spoken. “Whoever makes it to the top of the rock face first gets to ask the three losers three personal questions each, and the losers must answer truthfully, no matter what.”

  “I thought we agreed on two questions,” Brandon said quietly.

  Lilly gestured between Will and Sam. “Clearly we need more than two answers out of these two.”

  “Well, I’ll have to pass, as I don’t have any personal questions for anyone.”

  “Not even me?” It was Tori’s voice, and oh shit, they were in for it. How could Brandon or Lilly possibly think this was a good idea? Sam wanted to back out that very second, but this was a friend thing, one that preceded Abby’s death, one that tugged at him in much the way Hayley did.

  He wanted to fix it. He wanted to make it right. But he damn well couldn’t when the other parties were so dead set against any kind of healing.

  “I’m in,” Sam said resolutely. He couldn’t force Hayley into for-old-time’s-sake bets that would give him the answers to all the burning questions that were tearing him apart, but he would start here and then maybe he’d have an idea.

  Will was the obstinate holdout, but some nonverbal communication between him and Tori, or maybe the staring contest they seemed to be engaged in, finally had him changing his tune. “Fine,” he muttered.

  “It’s settled then. Now, chop-chop.” Lilly clapped. “There’s only so much daylight.”

  Will and Sam grumbled. Brandon and Tori, perhaps a little too gleefully, loaded up Brandon’s Jeep. Sam tried to slide into the front seat before Will or Tori could, and almost got his nose broken in the process.

  As much as he’d have liked to finagle getting those two to work out their deep-seated issues, he wasn’t going to break anything over it. So, he sat in the back with Tori while Brandon and Will were in the front.

  They reached the rock face and quickly set up their equipment with minimal conversation. Sam found he missed doing something for fun. He missed the good-natured ragging on each other, the cheerful competition.

  He was tired of being weighted down. If there was anything Hayley had taught him, it was that no matter how much he buried his shit deep, deep down, it was still there. And it only took the right circumstances to knock it out.

  It was so much better to be in control of the when and the where and the how. So much better to come to grips, rather than fight or hide.

  Was that why she’d been so mad the other night? Because he’d been suggesting hiding something, and it seemed so against her nature?

  “Earth to Sam.”

  Sam blinked over at Tori, who was closest to him. On her left was Brandon, then Will.

  Sam would really love to win and smugly ask everyone completely non-personal questions, just to mess with Brandon and Lilly’s plan, but he saw this for what it was—the same thing it had been when he’d done it months ago.

  A peace offering. An opportunity to talk, to heal. Then it had been begrudging. Now, he wanted it.

  “Dude, you ready or what?” Tori demanded.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  Brandon counted off and when he shouted “Go!” they all started. For the most part, Sam paid attention to the rocks in front of him. Occasionally he’d look over at Tori, then swear and increase his pace.

  He’d forgotten she was the best climber out of the four of them, or had been years ago. Something about her small, compact frame managed to work in her favor.

  Tori was first, by a long shot. Sam got over the top so closely with Brandon and Will, he couldn’t tell the order they’d crossed.

  Sam sat, breathing heavily. He’d taxed himself and still come in, at best, second. “You must have been doing some climbing lately, huh?”

  “I set a record not too long ago, actually,” Tori said with a grin. It died when her gaze slid to Will, who was glaring at her with an intensity that did not befit the situation.

  “I’m not answering one fucking thing from you,” Will spat out, jabbing a finger toward Tori.

  “That’s fine, I figured you’d be a pussy.”

  “Son of a—” Will was all bright fury, but Tori kept steamrolling on, and it was a good thing.

  “I forfeit my questions to Brandon anyway. Enjoy your talk, ladies. I’m heading out.” She started readying her gear to rappel back down, but at Sam’s questioning gaze she shrugged.

  “I’m looking for a place in town. I’ll be out of your hair as soon as I find one.”

  He gave her a nod. That was as much of a promise she was staying in Gracely as anyone was going to get.

  She rappelled down, without help, though Sam kept an eye on her as Brandon situated himself in a sitting position.

  “Three questions apiece. Where do I start?” he asked, clearly enjoying himself all too much.

  “Fuck off, you manipulative piece of shit,” Will said with a surprising lack of heat, considering how he’d been acting the past few days.

  “Don’t make me video-chat Lilly. That was her first plan. And look, I don’t have three questions for either of you. I have one, and Will, as reigning supreme douchebag—a title I never thought would be usurped from Sam—here it is: What the fuck is your deal?”

  “I don’t have a deal. I’m my charming, normal self,” Will replied, sounding so much like his normal self that Sam blinked.

  “I am not afraid to sic my pregnant wife on you. She will badger and maneuver and badger, and talk, talk, talk, ta—”

  “Christ. Can’t you all give me a break? Do you know how screwed up it is when your life’s gone to shit and the last thing you need is a reminder of where it all started?”

  “Yeah, pretty fucking familiar with it, Will,” Sam grumbled. This had all started with their sister: her invasion of his privacy and all the protections he’d made to save himself from ever being in the position to hurt someone again.

  Will and Brandon were both quiet for a long while.

  “Will, you’ve been painfully tight-lipped with what happened with Tori. I don’t need all the gory details, but you’ve got to find a way to work with her.”

  “It’s bullshit that you’re letting her back. Bullshit you two outvoted me on this. She abandoned us, do you not remember that?”

  “It was always supposed to be the four of us. Always.”

  “Hayley can be the fourth. We don’t need that foul-tempered witch.”

  “But we can support five now. And speaking of Hayley . . .”

  All eyes turned to Sam. He adopted the stoniest, blankest expression he knew.

  “Lilly thinks there’s something going on
between you two.”

  “What kind of something?”

  Brandon grimaced. “The kind I don’t particularly want to think about when it comes to people I’m related to.”

  “If he knows what’s good for him, nothing’s going on there,” Will said, all threatening looks.

  Sam resisted, barely, the urge to roll his eyes.

  “Out with it, Sam. It was a bet.”

  There were a lot of ways he could ease them into it. He could lie. He could keep his secret, but it seemed wrong somehow now, in the light of day, with his friends staring expectantly at him. So he told the barest, most uncomfortable truth he knew.

  “I’m in love with your sister, which neither of us seems too pleased about at the moment.”

  That shut them up right quick, which was almost enjoyable. If he wasn’t so miserable.

  “So, you’ve slept together,” Brandon said flatly, and though Will looked righteously pissed, something about love and not being pleased about it had hit him where it hurt.

  “I’m not going to share the details,” Sam said calmly. “But it’s a relationship. Or it would be if I could get through her legion of issues.”

  “Her legion?”

  “Yeah, apparently starting with mine put her way behind.”

  “So, you’re just going to date our sister?”

  Sam gave a nod. “That’s my plan.” Who knew what Hayley’s plan was, but that was his. And now Brandon and Will knew. They were done with secrets, done with hiding.

  Brandon nodded with something like permission, if Sam had been looking for it. Which he hadn’t.

  Will had already started to change his equipment over for rappelling, and that was also fine. He wasn’t fighting or going to cause problems.

  This was as far as they were going to get.

  Once they were down the rock face and had packed their gear into the Jeep, Tori having left her equipment and disappeared to who knew where, Brandon stopped Sam before he could get in the vehicle.

  “I don’t have to tell you that if you hurt her, there’ll be hell to pay.”